Wrapped in White

Cassie HATES using public bathrooms but when she does, it turns into quite an adventure.

You know, I’m one of those people who always tries to look at the lighter side of life. I laugh probably more than I should and especially in situations I shouldn’t. Life’s just easier to get through if you have a sense of humor.

Especially when you have a predilection for getting into trouble.

I don’t try to. I just can’t seem to help myself. And by trouble, I don’t mean I’m breaking the law or even the rules, I’m just… clumsy. I run into walls, trip over flat ground, flip tables over.

And, wear toilet paper as fashion accessories.

Don’t wrinkle your nose, it’s not like I did it on purpose.

I avoid public bathrooms like the plague. Have you ever been in one of those nasty cesspools? Shudder. I’d rather lick my toilet seat at home, I know it’s clean. Sometimes though, you just gotta go.

At the mall, during one of those unfortunate times, I walked in and blanched. Someone left toilet paper all over the ground, there was pee on the only available toilet seat and I won’t even tell you what was on the stall wall. I would have turned around and walked out but my tummy gave a very unfortunate, very urgent gurgle.

I quickly grabbed a piece of toilet paper (not from the ground) and wiped the toilet seat then sat down for my embarrassing musical number. I heard a couple other women groan at the noises but I couldn’t help it.

I don’t need to bore you with those gross details but needless to say, I ended up probably using more toilet paper than I needed to. I washed my hands with my head down and walked out, being grateful to never look back into that foul hole in the wall.

A couple of children giggled hysterically as I sauntered away from the bathroom. I didn’t think much of it but when a group of teenagers pointed at me and started cracking up, I became a little concerned. I adjusted my skirt and put a hand up to touch my hair, everything appeared okay.

At the time, I was working at one of those annoying kiosks lining the center of the walkway. I wasn’t one of the pushy salesmen, I simply gave out fliers for a company. However, this gorgeous guy worked at the sunglass kiosk next to mine. His name was Christopher and I spent every shift flirting desperately.

When I walked up from my bathroom venture, his dark brown eyes flicked up and down, and stayed down. A smile twitched at the corner of his lips. A horrible sinking feeling dropped in the pit of my stomach.

Yeah, you know what I’m talking about. The one that says “Oh, you’re screwed and not in a good way”.

I gazed down too but my black heels seemed perfectly normal to me.

Wait, oh no, couldn’t be!

Toilet paper stuck to the heel of my left foot. I stepped on it with my right foot and stared at in horror. I didn’t want to touch it, I knew where it came from.

But, with Christopher’s eyes on me, I couldn’t just leave it lying on the ground. I took a deep breath and reached down, picking up the offensive paper. Touching it made my skin want to crawl but I did so and spun around to walk it to the trash can.

The moment my back turned to Christopher, I heard him give a smothered giggle. He cleared his throat.

I whipped around and glared at him. “What now?”

He put a hand to his mouth, trying to stifle his laughter. “I’m sorry but Cassie, you’ve got a piece of toilet paper hanging out of the top of your skirt.”

The blood drained from my face. I reached a hand behind me, feeling for my embarrassment.

When I found it, I prayed for the ground to open up and swallow me. Sure enough, in my hurry to get out of that disgusting bathroom, I somehow entangled a piece of toilet paper in my panties and now sported it like a little tail.

I jerked it out and practically ran over to the trash can. When I turned back around, I kept my head down but it didn’t save me seeing Christopher chortling to himself.

Yeah, needless to say, I didn’t really flirt with him from that day on.

It wasn’t that I thought he wouldn’t reciprocate but I couldn’t look him in the eye. I mean, really, how do you look the cute guy in the eyes when he pointed out you had a toilet paper tail?

Eewww.

I do really try to see the lighter side of life and laugh at my experiences, but that was just one of those moments I thought it would be better to hide than giggle. I can laugh now, but man, the suffering. And, it wasn’t like only Christopher noticed my toilet paper decor.

For a couple of weeks afterwards, a few persistent customers asked me where my “tail” was or told me that my shoe looked so different without the roll hanging from it. Even a few of my friends who worked in adjoining stores still bring it up.

“What’s the point of this story?” you ask.

The point is, first off, always, and I mean always, check yourself for scraps from the bathroom. It’s very important. Secondly, if you miss something, laugh it off. Because if you don’t, months down the road when you’re still being teased, your only other option is to cry and no one likes a cry baby.

Ah no… what is that?!

Son of a monkey!

Really? Another piece stuck to my shoe?! Who leaves toilet paper on the ground? Seriously!

Sorry, gotta go, remember, check yourself!

You don’t want to have my bathroom fashion sense.