Dear Henry,

A letter he'll never read

Dear Henry,
There is so much I wish we could finish, like the false promises you gave me from the very beginning, the life you wanted so badly. Now, you're far away, living a life I won't know. Instead of groveling like you expect, I'm going to move on, just like you wanted.

There's so much I wonder about: When did you meet her? How did you gain a more intense connection with a girl you hardly knew? Is there something she possesses that I don't? Does she have a spark in her soul that I was never going to find? Does she know your favorite things, your favorite color, your birthday, the way you take your coffee, that you know how to play over 13 instruments? I know you, inside and out. I loved you during the good, the bad, and the ugly. I memorized all your favorite songs, and I know the moment you fell in love with me, instead of just loving me. She will never love you in the complex and sacrificial ways that I did. I promised myself I would never love someone with the velocity and candor that I did you.

Do you lie next to her, wondering how things would have been if you had worked out with me? Does it kill you inside, seeing me smile in the arms of another man? Are you writhing in agony, over the fact of losing me, or the fact that you can't have me anymore and that I'm spoken for? Is there that sparkle in her eye when she looks up at you in admiration? Is she yet another pathetic attempt to erase me until all those memories resurface yet again? You said your favorite expression was, "water me and I'll water you." Not pour gasoline on it, I'll let you in on a little secret, I'm a reflection of who I'm with. This was no accident why things fell apart the way that they did. I never wanted to hurt you, but I did in a way that'll you'll remember for the rest of your life. My dad always said a traumatic life experience would change you, I'm hoping that this did.

Does she love you like I did, does she give you everything that I couldn't? Are just some of the questions I have for you mate. Do you still have dreams of me like I do of you, you live in my head rent free like that last breath on here planet earth. This is a trauma bond, it is maddening, almost like a hard drug addiction. You made me lose all sense of who I was, and when the smoke cleared, I realized how much time I left behind and all the friends that I have lost over a man like you. A man who was never going to give me what I wanted or needed. I would have given you the world, more than any other woman could, especially someone as young as her. You always did compare me to someone else. So, here we are again, this whole letter being a pissing contest with a kid I don't even know. You will ruin her the way that you do all the women you involve yourself, what's new?


I do want to thank you for all the inspirations that you had bestowed upon me. I have a creativity intensity I have not had in years, and all of that is thanks to losing you. I'd give anything to discover what kind of person you really were long ago, so I could have avoided looking as foolish as I had for the better part of 12 years. No amount of warning could have ever prepared me for the loss of myself to some man that would never change. You have given me the worst fear of abandonment, even worse than losing my own mother and being abandoned by my own father. In many ways, you remind me of my childhood and that's where I should have known you were never going to be the right guy.

I wish you the best, I wish that you get better, I wish that you fall in love and treat that person how they deserve instead of destroying others how you know best. I miss you, and part of me will always. I will always love you, Henry.

Love,
Jade