The Day My Thumbs Declared War

Think your typos are bad? This autocorrect disaster will make you feel much better.

The Day My Thumbs Declared War

I settled in to write a text,
A message deep and kind.
I poured my heart onto the glass,
The best words I could find.
I meant to say: "I’m so inspired,
By your grace and lovely soul."
But my thumb did a gymnastics flip
And lost all self-control.

I looked down at the screen too late,
My blood began to freeze.
I’d sent: "I’m so in spider,
By your grease and lumpy hole."

I gasped and tried to fix it fast,
My pulse was drumming loud.
I meant to type: "I’m sorry, friend,
The autocorrect is proud."
But I hit the "U" instead of "I,"
And the "K" instead of "L,"
I sent: "U soggy fiend,
The auto-erect is hell."

“I’ll send a sample!” I thought,
“Of the writing I’ve been doing!”
I meant to say: "Check out my poem,
It’s the project I’m pursuing."
But the "M" became an "N"—
The phone, it has no shame.
I sent: "CHECK OUT MY PORN!
IT'S THE PROJECT IN MY NAME."

DING! (Giant Blue Thumb)
DING! (A frantic "No!")
DING! (A third one just to prove
I’ve reached a brand new low.)

I scrambled for the "Delete" key,
My dignity was gone.
But my palm hit the Blue Icon—
The Messenger "Thumb-Thon."

It sounded like a pinball machine
Was exploding in my hand.
I looked like a frantic hitchhiker
In a glitchy, glass-top land.

I tried one last "I love you,"
To end the night on track.
I meant: "I hope you have a great night,"
To win my friendship back.
But the "O" became a "U,"
The "G" became an "F,"
The phone just wanted chaos
While I’m typing like I’m deaf.

The final text went through the air,
A nightmare in its flight:
"I LUBE YOU! AND I HOPE
YOU HAVE A FREAK NIGHT!"

DING! (Blue Thumb)
DING! (Blue Thumb)
DING!

I threw the phone across the room
And turned out every light.