Proposed rules to obtain a better relationship. (satire) (63 rules)
RULES TO BENEFIT THE ALLEGED RELATIONSHIP:
As we all know the unwritten rules to relationships can be an absolute hassle, and devalue the entire basis of the relationship itself. Generally, because this is understood, relationships have a tendency to derail and cause further problems. Although the participants do not want to follow the rules themselves, they want their partner to do so, which creates an even bigger chaos. Because of this the following guidelines have been proposed in order to ensure a better quality to the typical relationship.
PART I: Times, Dates, and Length and stuff to remember.
RULE # 1: Most important.
If you decide to only follow one rule this is the one. Out of all the things that you may want to remember...remember your partners name. Yes, this is a given I suppose, but it’s happened before. This rule includes that you don’t call your companion by a past companions name. Especially don’t scream out an old loves name during sex. That could just get messy.
RULE # 2: Starting Date is unimportant.
Although the original starting date of the relationship CAN be a good thing to remember it is not necessary. A date is simply what it claims itself to be: it’s just a date. There may appear to be some invisible warmth hidden to and/or cushioning associated with that particular day, but in actuality that date is just simply the beginning, no more, no less.
RULE # 3: Length is unimportant.
The previous rule also implies that the length of the relationship does not have to be remembered either. Who honestly cares how long you and your companion have been together? If they do, then perhaps they should focus more on their own relationship(s). After all it is said that too much time can tear people apart, so if the length is unknown then this can not happen quite as easily.
RULE # 4: Trivial dates are pointless.
If your partner honestly cares the first time you two kissed, then you have bigger problems than are needed and will have too many dates floating around your head. Tiny little events in your relationship should just be forgotten. Although, perhaps, the setting is important, the exact date is not. If you try to remember everything that happened in your past together then you can not focus on what will come in the future, and hopefully your relationship is planning to have a future.
RULE # 5: Birthdays are better remembered than forgotten.
This is one of the few dates that it is better to remember than to forget. Possibly because this isn’t actually part of the relationship but of the individual itself. However it is unimportant to remember birthdays if you have agreed not to exchange gifts during such times.
PART II: Gifts.
RULE # 6: Gifts to be given only on the year mark.
If one has chosen not to follow RULE # 2, and it if it is decided that the participants exchange gifts to mark this date, then there are only certain times when this is appropriate. Personally, I have found that once a year is the best alternative to no gift exchange. Too many gifts will devalue this time and a once a year thing makes it much less demanding as well.
RULE # 7: Limit random gifts.
It is just entirely pointless to randomly send flowers all the time. Once again, too many gifts devalue the emotional value of each individual gift. Repetition is not key when it comes to giving gifts. The more spontaneity behind each gift the higher quality the gift receives. If you have decided to give gifts only make it once in a while. I will repeat, too many gifts can get obnoxious. It is even better if a couple removes random gifts altogether, but a few is acceptable as well.
RULE # 8: Gifts have a time and place.
There are only certain times when gifts should be given. It is not appropriate to surprise your partner with a gift in front of a bunch of people. However you may find this romantic, many people do not and do in fact find it embarrassing.
RULE # 9: Either give a gift during their birthday or do not.
Do not give a birthday gift one year and then deny them one the following year. It is one way or the other and changing this up makes things entirely too complicated. Both of you need to decide whether you are going to exchange gifts, and stick to this, both of you.
RULE # 10: Holidays and gifts.
Although it may look good to exchange gifts on holidays it isn’t necessary. In fact the following holidays I find entirely pointless to exchange gifts: Valentines day, Easter, Halloween, and the like. Once again if you do exchange gifts, this should be both of you, not just one.
RULE # 11: Money is no object.
If your companion cares about the price of the gift that you give them, then you should lose them. They’re not worth your time. Honestly it is just about that thought, and the meaning, or attempted meaning in some cases, not the cost.
RULE # 12: Anything can be a gift.
Yes a card is a gift. Anything material that you give to them is a gift, or receive is a gift.
RULE # 13: Don’t give your partner money.
Okay the title of this rule is a little deceptive, because in actuality it means don’t GIVE your partner money, maybe loan them money, but giving them money is just a problem waiting to happen. It’s easier to take things for granted if you just give them money.
PART III: Talking, Phone Calls, and Communication.
RULE # 14: No surprise visits, always call first.
Okay I admit, every once in a while it is kind of cool to just have your partner show up to visit you, but if done too often this can get annoying. You might be in the middle of something. I know what your thinking, that sounds like they have something to hide. But you should have trust for your partner and with that trust respect for their privacy. If you call, you will never show up and they’re gone, or get caught in a situation where you just shouldn’t be there.
RULE # 15: Make phone conversations short.
It is just plain annoying to be sitting on the phone with someone for hours and hours listening to nothingness. Wouldn’t it just be better if one could actually cuddle up with your loved one as opposed to just hearing their voice? Now I will admit that this rule does not apply to long distance relationships or online relationships, but typically those are to be avoided anyway. A simple “I’m on my way over,” will do nicely.
RULE # 16: Don’t ever hang up without a good-bye.
It is entirely rude not to say good-bye when you get off the phone. Common courtesy people!! Perhaps this is just a pet-peeve of mine, but I can not stand when someone just hangs up on you. Even if the conversation is obviously over, take the five seconds to say bye.
RULE # 17: Don’t talk too much.
Now obviously I don’t mean that you shouldn’t talk to your companion, I’m just simply saying that there are times to talk AND times to be silent. You have to listen to your partner bitch in order for them to be willing to listen to your whining.
RULE # 18: When to and not to tell all.
Once again I’m not saying lie to your partner, but don’t say anymore than you need to. If your partner doesn’t have to know something and they won’t find out and it’s only going to cause them pain, maybe just an accident or something. THEN DON”T TELL THEM!! Because all your going to do is cause pain. If they do, however, have a possibility of discovering whatever is at question…then tell them because it’s better they hear it from you as opposed to someone else…(that came out a little wrong)
RULE # 19: Honesty is key.
Focusing on the rule above, if you decide that you do in fact need to come clean, it’s important that you tell the truth exactly how it is. Even tiny details can turn your story haywire. So literally, tell it how it is. None of that half-truth bullshit, because that just gets annoying and diminishes trust worse than them finding out on their own because you lied.
RULE # 20: If you’re having a problem say something.
Mind games are stupid. Don’t expect your partner to suddenly get a clue and understand what’s rocking your mind. If you just sit around and wait for them to figure out what’s up, which they may never do, you’ll just get annoyed and this causes trouble. This is a common error, even though it seems so simplistic.
RULE # 21: Tell your partner exactly what you want.
I can not emphasize enough how problematic it can be if you just emphasize what you want to happen but do not actually flat out say what you want. That whole “do what you want” but really meaning “do what I want on your own” thing…it doesn’t really work.
RULE # 22:Don’t say “I love you” unless you mean it.
This is huge on my DO NOT DO list. I can’t stand being told that I’m loved when really they are just trying to get into my pants or the moment just seemed right or they’re trying to humor me. I would rather be told that I’m liked, than being lied to about something so serious.
RULE # 23: There is a difference between the spelling of “love” and “luv.”
Love means that emotional fluttery, heart-racing feeling that you get when you are entirely into someone. Luv on the other hand is a friendship, I will luv you as a friend type thing.
RULE # 24: “I love you” has a time and place.
This is the same concept as RULE # 8. It’s just that sometimes it feels too awkward to say I love you in front of certain people. They’re private personal words.
RULE # 25: Don’t say I love you too much.
This correlates to RULE # 7, if said too often these words are just words. Have you ever heard the saying “Love is just a four letter word” ? That’s where this falls into place. That four letter word just eventually gets bitten at and it’s meaning because devalued, or taken for granted.
RULE # 26: Avoid talking about the future, unless you’re at the point of marriage.
It’s understandable if you are on the verge of marriage (which isn’t even considered during most of these rules because that would take far longer than I’m willing) to talk about the future. But it can be really scary if your partner suddenly asks you things like “what do you think we should name our kids?” Keyword being OUR! Then you get problems like, "if/when this happens our relationship will cease to exist." These statements may be a mutual understanding, but that doesn’t mean that it needs to be spoken. (I’ve had a real problem with this.)
PART IV: Spending Time Together and Time Apart.
RULE # 27: Spend time together.
Even if this means that you have to scuffle to spend a measly ten minutes together, this obvious rule is sometimes forgotten. In order for a relationship to truly work out you two have to be together. (By the way, if this rule doesn’t make sense to you, than perhaps a relationship is too complicated for you.) This is why I disapprove of long distance relationships.
RULE # 28: Compromise as often as possible.
Either pull one of those, you pick this night and I’ll pick the next, or both agree on something to do. I understand that this can be difficult, because this is harder than it sounds. This is a DUH rule though…one persons shouldn’t be controlling what the two of you do in your relationship.
RULE # 29: Make sure you have some alone time.
I don’t mean that you should be having sex 24/7 with this, but the two of you need to have at least some time alone. People forget this all the time. (I’ve screwed up relationships because I didn’t follow this one.) It may be fun to “double-date” but you have to be alone once in a while. Even if it’s curled up on the couch, or sitting next to each studying or something.
RULE # 30: If you’re gone too long take a break.
I can not stand long distance relationships, I’m sorry. I just find it to be a huge expectation to not expect your partner to want to date other people where they are. I have a two month rule. If you’re not going to see each other for two months, break up over that time. I mean if you truly were meant to be than you won’t date anyone else anyway, but you should at least try to have some fun. NO I’m not saying sleep around with whoever the hell you want…I’m just saying it’s pointless to stay together.
RULE # 31: Avoid long distance relationships.
I have the utmost respect for anyone who can pull of a long distance (or online) relationship, because I doubt that I could, mostly because I feel like I’m a burden, tying them down or something. This sort of relates back to RULE # 29.
PART V: Breaking Up and Getting Back Together.
RULE # 32: Avoid pointless break-ups.
Do not, I repeat do not, have one of those off/on relationships. You know what I’m talking about, those people that break up over the stupidest things and then suddenly love each other and are back together in a matter of days. It makes me sick. My suggestion leads to the next rule…
RULE # 33: Only allow one get back together.
It’s alright if you and your companion have a scuffle and end up hating each other for, say a day. As RULE # 31 suggests, try to avoid off/on relationships. So I suggest that you allow this to happen once…after that it’s over. Or if you do want to get back together again, try hard to remember exactly why you two broke up to begin with, obviously there is a reason, so just remember hard.
RULE # 34: Don’t break up right away.
You can control pointless breakups if you don’t break up with your partner right away. I’m not saying “Don’t break up with them, ever.” I’m saying just walk away when your angry about something and give yourself some time to think. Regret can be a severe problem in some cases, and this rule should limit its strength.
RULE # 35: Avoid unnecessary arguments.
Basically this means, have you ever seen those couples that argue basically just to argue? Avoid that, don’t do it. Not only does it ruin relationships but it’s also really obnoxious to watch.
PART VI: Paying.
RULE # 36: Take turns paying.
I have a severe problem with that whole “guy’s must pay for the date” expectation. Us females have cash too and we can pay just as well as guy’s can. I mean it is pretty cute to have your partner pay for you every once in a while, but return the favor. It’s only fair. While I realize that some people appreciate being paid for or paying...I find it so post-woman's rights.
RULE # 37: Don’t always allow yourself to be paid for.
It is important that you two can express your individuality every once in a while and pay just for yourself. Going on a date doesn’t mean one person has to pay.
PART VII: Living Together.
RULE # 38: Have a runaway spot.
It’s fine to live together but you have to have somewhere to go in order to scurry off to if there is problems at the home front. You can only tolerate so much time from one person. This way you’ll have a place that you can “get away from it all” to.
RULE # 39: Don’t have someone else in the house too.
I just think it’s too awkward to be living with your companion and someone else in the same house.
RULE # 40: Realize that things will change.
Before you move in with each other its really important that you realize that, although you two are in fact compatible, that you will still have differences. Maybe they don’t make the bed right, or they make the bed, but you like the sheets rampant when you crash for the night. I know that it’s hard to compromise these things, but this rule just demands that you keep this in mind.
RULE # 41: Don’t move your partners stuff.
While your companion shouldn’t depend on you to remember where they placed things, odds are that if you move them, while cleaning or what not, they will be even less likely to find what they’ve lost. So don’t do it. If you’re a neat freak (such as I am) tell them to clean it up OR move it but tell them exactly what you moved and exactly where it went to.
PART VIII: Cheating.
RULE # 42: Don’t.
DUH!! Just say no. You don’t HAVE to cheat.
RULE # 43: Don’t get caught.
I’m not saying that you should cheat with this rule, but if you do. Do not get caught. This relates back to RULE # 18. If they’re going to find out probably then let them know, but if they most likely won’t find out then don’t say shit. Odds are if your relationship means anything you won’t cheat anyway, but you can slip up and you just won’t do it again.
RULE # 44: Ask permission.
Alright some people have problems with cheating, and that means that you need to discuss this problem with your companion. Chances are you can come up with an agreement. If you’re going to cheat the following rules are demanded to be followed.
RULE # 45: Don’t sleep with anyone they say not to.
If you two have come to an agreement that cheating is a possibility than you must keep a running list of people that are off limits. Best friends, enemies, certain whores, etc. may be included on this list.
RULE # 46: Don’t sleep in the same bed.
Do not take this side person into the same bed that you sleep with your partner in. That’s just disturbing and gross.
RULE # 47: Don’t let it get emotional.
The reason that your still with your partner is because you have emotions for them. If your “sidekick” is on your emotional side too than maybe you shouldn’t be with your partner.
RULE # 48: Don’t let them stay over.
If they stay over there’s emotional attachment and that is not the purpose of this sexual romp.
RULE # 49: Don’t go back.
If you really don’t want this to be a serious thing between you and your “fuck buddy” than don’t go back to them. Only once and then it’s done with. Sort of like a one night stand. The best words I've find that emphasize this is "don't dip back into the pool."
RULE # 50: Have a grace period.
If you cheat on your partner, then don’t have sex with your partner for the following few days. You can decide how long this period will be. At least then the sanctity of your relationship will be upheld better.
RULE # 51: Remember that if you are cheating your partner may be too.
You can not expect to be able to cheat and not have your partner do the same. Keep this in mind every time you cross the lines and be prepared for them to do so as well.
RULE # 52: Remember your partner may be the only cheater.
This is very important to remember, especially if you are following RULE # 43, and you talk to your companion about it. While you may be staying clean and keeping to just your partner, they may not be doing the same. Once you’ve had the talk though the ground is open. Keep this in mind as well.
PART IX: Sex.
RULE #53: Either do or don't.
You can't pull one of those..."today I will have sex with you, but I don't know if we will again" thing. This is what you call leading on. It's obnoxious and a pain in the ass.
RULE # 54: Try something new.
Missionary style can only be amazing so many times. Switch it up sometimes and try whatever you want. Just do something different.
RULE # 55: (females or homosexual males) never spit.
It just looks like you're being disrespectful. It might taste like crap, but just suck it up. (Please excuse the pun, I swear it was unintended.)
RULE # 56: (males or homosexual females) never spit
this is the same thing but a different rule because it's a different process. :P
RULE # 57: Don't have sex too often.
Yes you can "over-sex" your relationship, scary concept huh? Truth is you can actually turn your relationship from love to lust and it can be nearly impossible to switch back to just love once this has happened. Sometimes literally just sleep together.
RULE # 58: You don't have to have sex.
Whereas there can be pressure in the relationship. And whereas it can be implied that this is a neccesity to have sex, it is not necessary in the relationship.
PART X: Lists. (not really rules)
RULE # 59: Avoid dating:
This is not really a rule but a list of people you should avoid dating, each being pretty self-explanatory:
Family (this includes step-family members, mom’s boyfriend‘s son/daughter, etc.)
Band members (from your own band)
Ugly people (he he just kidding)
RULE # 60: Avoid dating for:
This is not really a rule either but a list of reasons you should avoid dating for, each is also pretty self-explanatory:
Family wants you to
Friends want you to
Status (be it to be popular, or to move up in your career)
Because it’s convenient
Because you “need love”
RULE # 61: Break up with if:
This is not really a rule, but a list of reasons you should break up with your partner without question:
You don’t love/like them anymore
You find out they are dating you for any of the above “avoid dating for” reasons
They keep bugging you to borrow money or the car or etc.
They have no future
They don’t have any plans of where they want to go (even if they can’t make it they still have a plan)
Addicted to crack! (lol)
PART XI: Common Sense and Miscellaneous stuff.
RULE # 62: Don’t expect them to follow every rule.
If you plan on following this set of proposed rules, don’t expect them to follow every single on of them. It’s just not humanly possible. I can’t even keep up with my own rules sometimes.
RULE # 63: Don't take your relationship too seriously.
Learn how to laugh at yourselves. The good and the bad, laugh as often as possible
(The problem is that this can never really be completed, so just keep an eye out for updates. Please rate as is though, and please, PLEASE critique, give me your opinions, think I should add something? Something not looking right?? TELL ME!!!!!! Thank you!!)
*Keep in mind that this is a.) my opinion b.) mostly a joke c.) not some “females want sensitivity, I’m male and being cruelly funny” thing … which I was accused of (mostly because I’m female) & d.) I do have a concept behind this madness….if you honestly care how my mind is ticking send me a review, I do respond.
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