by Alex Nicole
Our dress code recently had a few changes--you private-school-goers can relate.
The [New and Improved] Dress Code Manifesto
(or, How to Enrage an Entire Population of Teenagers)
The Dress Code Policy is rooted in good morals and personal hygiene. Any attire that may be interpreted as inappropriate, extraordinary, distracting, and/or immodest by the Administration is in violation of the dress code. To be more specific:
RULE #1 - No jeans. We are students at a prestigious college preparatory school; we are not common hoodlums.
RULE #2 - All shoes must have backstraps, with no exceptions. Please refrain from such ridiculous excuses such as, "every pair of shoes I own is backless; now I have to go out and buy plenty of new ones to compensate for them," "no one even makes shoes with backstraps," and, of course, the most unreasonable objection of all, "How is this helping our hygiene, anyway?!" Also, heels must not exceed two inches; we are not strumpets or circus clowns.
RULE #3 - Logos of any kind on shirts must be no larger than a 3x5 card. (Unless it's the school logo. Then it's okay.) Also, no camouflage clothing of any kind, because... well... just because.
RULE #4 - No sleeveless shirts may be worn. The reason behind this is, obviously, that these revealing articles of clothing are nothing short of being outrageously promiscuous. What will people think if we allow our students to strut about with their shoulders exposed? We must not forget that, as private school elitists, we are fully responsible for setting an example for the rest of the world; therefore, sleeveless shirts are immediately out of the question.
RULE #5 - No mullets.
RULE #6 - No hair in unnatural colors.
RULE #7 - No mullets in unnatural colors.
RULE #8 - Males may not have any visible piercings, because that is the mark of the devil, and that is most certainly not the impression we want to give others about ourselves; the same goes for tattoos.
RULE #9 - No heavy chains (e.g. dog chains) or so-called "bling bling", as we do not wish to evoke the look of drug dealers or "gangstas". Just because you think it is "the shiznit" does not mean that it is by any means tolerable.
RULE #10 - You may no longer wear any leather to school, including jackets. Why? Yeah, well, uh, we can't think of a good reason, either.
RULE #11 - Um, use your best judgment for skirts. Just remember to wear the right shoes.
Students who fail to comply with these rules will be forced into a cage of rabid pit bulls where they will be left overnight. Remember--you are the future, and we're counting on you!