One problem with being a lawyer is that your soul will pay through eternities...
|"Hello, hello. Welcome, everyone! Please make sure the doors are closed back there, we wouldn't want any old soul to slip out the back way once we've begun."
"Now, has everyone received their referrals? Anyone not having a referral should not be here, and just to clarify, this is part three of a four part series on the instruction of former lawyers needing to be reformed to form a new form of lawyer. Er, is that clear enough for everyone? Good."
"All right, moving along, as stated in parts one and two, and just to refresh your memories, let me briefly cover the main subjects. First, all former living lawyers here have indeed been to the After-Life Debt Union and filled out an information card, right?"
"And having filled out those cards each former lawyer has since then been assigned a Zombie to assist in the acclimation process, correct? I see a hand up, go ahead."
"Ah, very tricky question. The Zombie assigned to you does not literally 'belong' to you, however the said Zombie is at your beck and call. They are yours to utilize in the acclimation process to your new duties here after death, but once acclimated to real death, the Zombie then becomes your new 'boss' as it were, and your roles will reverse, you will answer to your Zombie's beck and call. Does that help?"
"Ha! Ok, well, then it shouldn't be too hard to perform your tasks for the Zombie, seeing as how your living boss was one, too. Once in a while they do like to visit the Life plane and mix things up a bit!"
"Anyone else have a question? I don't see any limbs up, great! I will then proceed as if all present are in the acclimation process with their Zombies, and has anyone been to the Phantom Library yet? Don't forget, this is a requirement that must be completed prior to the end of your first eternity; by show of hands or movement, how many have been?"
"I see a few heads bobbing, and the black and yellow-striped soul in the middle, question?"
"Oh! No, you need to step down one door to the left to go to the Other Place. One of the counselors there will assist you with any Before-Death-Grievance Agreement that you had signed for in blood. I'm afraid you're beyond any form of redemption our Zombies can offer you. Bye-bye now, take care not to loose too many stripes on your way down."
"Just a moment, please, everyone. Can I get one of the candy striper's in here to disinfect the area? We'll need some extra tonic water spray on those who were seated nearest to the unfortunate soul recently departed. I can see several of them are wilting and turning to mere vapors already. Thank you."
"OK. I think no other hands were up, so let me continue. Sorry? What was that?"
"Well, of course we use tonic water. Gets out all the stains, don't you know! Couldn't exactly use the water of Life-After-Life, now could we? We'd be having weeds growing everywhere and then our poor vampires would be sneezing their little hearts out, poor dears. And they really are little. Their hearts that is, not the vampires."
"So, as I was saying, when you have the chance to visit the Phantom Library, make sure you get copies of all the names of the progeny that have been wronged by any wrongdoing you may have done in your former lifetime, so that you can keep accurate records for your Zombies to track in your Pay-Back Debt accounts. Some of you will be lucky in that only a generation or two will be forthcoming, but for most of you, I believe around nine generations is average."
"All of this should have been covered in parts one and two. Any further questions before moving to today's lecture?"
"Ah, let me see. Here it is, if you look at the very last page of section four, paragraph eight, sub-paragraph two, section c reads and I quote, 'Any soul who had been a lawyer in Life, assisted any lawyer while alive, or falsely helped to prove innocent any guilty party whether known or unknown, worked for any insurance company to the detriment of general humanity, wrongly proved an innocent person guilty, or helped to prove wrongly either by direct or indirect action, will spend their first eternity serving the progeny of all ill-affected living souls while still able to perform said tasks until such time as their second eternity comes around, and then become able to fully serve the After-Life Debt Union in such a manner as befitting their station, such as it is.' So there you go."
"Now, let's see. Oh, yes. Part three. By show of hands, how many of you were Public Defenders?"
"Um, yes. OK. I need everyone with their hands up to move to the yellow area down here in the front. Again, by show of hands, how many were Prosecutors?"
"Really? Wow, lot of hands, very well, I need all former Prosecutors to move to the green section toward the middle of the room. You know the drill now, so everyone who was a Business or Corporate lawyer, please move to the red section in the back of the room."
"No. No reason. The colors don't signify anything in particular, it's just a way of keeping your classes straight. I need all souls in the red section to follow the pink werewolf to the red building for the part three lecture. Oh! And don't tease the Witches and Warlocks group that's outside performing their Wiccan rituals. They are mostly white practitioners, but the black arts practitioners can melt a red lawyer in nothing flat so do behave, it's in your soul's best interest. It takes an eon to put your form back together again, and you still have to perform your duties. What a mess that would be."
"Now, I also need all souls in the yellow section to follow the green and gold faery, fly up higher dear, so everyone may see you, ah! There you are. OK. As I said, follow the faery to the yellow pavilion around the corner for your part three lecture."
"Pardon? Oh, sure. While alive how many of you ever participated in the making of taffy? Well, the mixture must be folded, folded, folded, refolded and folded even more, back into itself until the right consistency is achieved. Follow? No, hm. Alright. When taffy was cold and you bit into it, you would chew, chew, chew until it jelled into a softer mass, right. But on warm days, taffy could just melt onto your tongue like the smoothest of honey? Well, there you have it. We are making taffy here, and working toward the right consistency that is best for the After-Life community at large."
"So, if you all would please follow the faery we'll begin to refold. Thank you. Could someone make sure the door is closed again after the last yellow lawyer?"
"Whew. Much better. Now everyone left in the green area, and everyone not in any color group, feel free to commingle and get comfortable. This is a much more cozy setting. Can everyone hear me alright? I think I'll just astrally project the rest of the lecture from down there, this pulpit is just too high for a group such as this."
"There now, isn't this better? Is my aura too bright for anyone? I can tone it down a level or two. How about my colors. Too hard on your newly dead souls? Wonderful! Shall we continue? Please open your booklets now to section three."
"Part one explained in depth why lawyers spend first, second, and sometimes their third eternities serving progeny and erasing their After-Life Debt to society."
"Part two covered the basic Service-To-Pay-Back Ratio used to determine just how many eternities, or portions of eternities, were required to fulfill the obligations that were incurred in Life, and now must be paid back After Life."
"Now, part three will cover the more gritty parts of your acclimation process. If anyone has glanced ahead, you may have seen a few diagrams and you can just disregard that portion completely. As prosecutors, and varied other specialty lawyers, you will open the green section in the middle of the booklets, if you please. We like to encourage your souls to consider paying your debts by assisting those on this side into accepting their fates."
"Your very professions in Life were centered on bringing to justice those responsible for taking the lives of innocent victims. On this side of Death, you can now meet and assist those self same victims come to terms with their eternities."
"You will be assigned as Buddies to help those souls comfort and encourage their living families to continue on with their lives, until they, too, meet us here."
"Goodness! How serious this lecture has become. Let me just stress how important it is that you consult with your Zombies on every soul's case, so that each one is helped in a proper manner."
"I'm sensing a question. Yes, here at my elbow, what was that?"
"Certainly, we do have a 'police force' of sorts. You see, since souls are dead, no one can kill or maim or do permanent harm to one another. But there are those malicious spirits out there that will deliberately lead a soul into a wall or a floor. Or into an exorcism. Should you ever find yourself being exorcized, let me stress to you that it is much better to go into the light, than to wait it out and be cast out of a body. Or better yet, find the closest vampire and they will obligingly escort your soul back here, mostly free of charge. And since there are no possessions or money or 'things' to go missing, your services are what you use to barter with."
"Many of you are probably staying in your graves, am I right? Well, let me tell you, there are thousands of collectives that would welcome new members if you don't like the feel of worms crawling through your souls. And especially those who were cremated, I just bet you're getting tired of squeezing into an urn every night, right?"
"Soon enough, you will adjust to the fact that day and night don't exist for you anymore and you'll find that an eternity has passed before you know it."
"Now, with that being said, I suggest you read the rest of section three in the green booklet, and have your Zombie answer any questions which might arise. Oh! Almost forgot to mention, the Symposium on Heaven and the Other Place has been put back on the bulletin board, along with the Lecture on Leprechauns, and the Soulless Souls Sales Committee Luncheon."
"Also, the Prehistoric Souls Parade will be floating through Valhalla Villa for the next decade, so if you're heading that way there might be a bit of a crush! This concludes part three, be sure to reserve your space for part four, green section, in the next century so that you'll be assured of a spot. And remember, no teasing the Wiccans!"