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Rated: 18+ · Editorial · Entertainment · #890904
...and time to leave the advice moguls, too.
Recently, an article appeared on the Internet titled, "When Is It Time To Leave A Relationship?" It was written by Coulson Duerksen for the Discovery Channel, and it dealt with the findings and opinions of a man named Dennis Neder, and ordained minister and doctor of metaphysics. Essentially, Neder suggested that, as long as kids aren't involved, if a relationship has gone south, it's time to move on. Neder offered ten sure-fire signs for knowing when that might be occuring ... in other words, when to break it off. In short form, I am listing the reasons below ... as well as my responses.

1. You're no longer getting what you want or need from the relationship.
Who is ... at least in toto? Ninety percent of the people I know no longer get everything thay want. Maybe it's sex, maybe it's kids; maybe it's money (or the lack thereof). CHANGE changes wants and needs, and usually one or both parners feel "short-changed". So what? Shit happens. Sometimes "wants and needs" get back burnered in the process. It's called life.

2. You can no longer communicate with your partner.
Correcto-mondo. I speak male, she speaks female. So occasionally we need a translator. Early on, translation wasn't needed due to our mutual balance of hormones (we were balancing each other). Now we communicate with grunts and hand signals. So you see, sooner or later it all shakes out.

3. You no longer look forward to spending time alone with your partner.
It's more like we can't spend time alone. Somehow, without us knowing it, we were invaded by other relationships ... work, friends, hobbies. There's so much going on, I can't even spend time alone with me. That's no reason to leave ... is it?

4. You criticize or micro-manage your partner.
Somebody has to. Actually, she micro-manages me. There's no way in hell that she's the final word on how to hang a pair of pants or how to store shoes. Certainly there's more than one way. I'm sure of it!

5. You compare your partner to others.
If the others look like Pamela Anderson or Halley Barry, I do ... in just the same way she compares me to Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise. What's wrong with that? Sometimes I compare her to Jay Leno. Then she looks really good.

6. You try to change your partner.
Into what? Actually, I see nothing wrong with wanting her to act like a Vegas stripper who is sex starved. Role playing is good. I pretend I'm a sleazy gambler whose wife is back in Akron. If I don't mind doing that, what's her problem?

7. You don't laugh anymore.
Yes, but I don't laugh any less, either. And as long as I'm not laughing at her, this should have no bearing on whether we stay together.

8.You're doing all the giving (or getting).
Absolutely ... either way. She and I both agree.

9. Your friends no longer like being around you when you're with your partner.
Actually, my friends don't like being around me when I'm not with my partner, either. But I don't care. I hang on them like glue. That's the price they pay for having ever been my friend.

10. You no longer feel good about yourself.

That's it. That's the sum of his insights. This guy, Neder, gets paid for this. I find that astounding. Any self-pitying fool can relate to his rationalizations, using them as their own justification to move on.

Who needs it? What's wrong with simply saying, "I'm tired, I want to move on, I'm hot for the girl (or boy) at the check-out line?"

But since this guy gets paid to offer his insights, I thought I'd offer some of my own. Here goes:

You know it's time to move on when,

1) Your partner starts wearing your clothes ... to his work.
2) Your partner is seen frequently with a hot looking blonde that isn't his sister (or brother).
3) Your partner is arrested for soliciting.
4) Your partner hasn't been home in a month.
5) Your partner has a credit card charge for a $2,000 ring and he claims it's for his navel (as in belly button,, not ships at sea).
6) Your partner smells of cheap perfume and booze and he claims he picked up both oders buying milk at the convenience store. (This is only true occasionally).
7) You catch your partner in bed with your sister. This only counts if both are naked and neither are sleeping.
8) You catch him masturbating ... the next door neighbor's husband.
9) You come home to find that your furniture, his clothes and your bankbook are gone.
10) Your partner's name is in the obits.

Now these are reasons to move on! So if you find any of this helpful, just like Mr. Neder(or is it Dr?), I will accept money for my sage advice. You can send it to me care of this website, but please, no checks and do it quickly. I may be moving soon, myself.
© Copyright 2004 Rod Emmons (capewriter at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
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