Love Loss + the Lack of Christmas Spirit

A journalist has to write a heartfelt piece about Christmas but, lost his spirit.

Hope, faith, love and miracles is what most people feel when they stare out at the snow fall around Christmas time. I use to feel that way. Like you can feel the magic in the air. Like anything is possible.
Today is Thursday December 23rd and it is the fifth anniversary of my mother’s death and I am alone in a room with a half of glass of whiskey in my hand suffering from writers block. My editor has been up my ass about turning in a column about this magical time. A Christmas miracle.
But let me ask you a question…how do you write about this magical time of the year when you don’t believe in the magic of Christmas anymore? Or completely lost your Christmas spirit.

My dead line is in 2 days and I haven’t written a damn thing. So, I continued to do what most writers do best…drink.
What a cliche but whatever. I got wasted and then decided to take a stroll through the snow checking out the decorations around the city hoping to gain some inspiration.
I walked through the park and that is when I seen her. She was strikingly beautiful. And talented. She was alone skating on the ice at this rink in the middle of the night. I got too close to the ice and smacked the ground so hard I distracted her. She came skating over in a hurry to see if I was okay.

“Oh, my god. Are you hurt or anything” she asked helping me up?
It took me a minute to get up and I could barely speak. I stumbled over my words so much she thought I smacked my head too hard on the ice. I was just drunk and embarrassed is all.

“Hold on, let me help you sit down” she said directing me to a bench.
“Let me have a look”.
She wanted to make sure I wasn’t bleeding.
“A nurse and an ice skater huh? You can do it all” I teased.
Having said that she realized I wasn’t concussed.
“Oh, you sound pretty fine to me” she joked back.
She sat next to me and I couldn’t help but flirt.
“I mean the only thing that is pretty fine is you”.
She cracked a smile than introduced herself.
“I’m Jubilee”.
I laughed “really”.
She understands the irony “you can just call me Lee”.
“Lee” I said while shaking her hand.

There was a moment of pure silence. She looked out at the ice rink taking in the beauty of the snowfall.
“So..what are you doing out here this late anyway” she asked curiously?
I almost didn’t hear her question as I was still so stunned. By the fall you would think but there was something unexplainable happening inside me for the first time. Was this the feeling people talk about?
“I could ask you the same question? It can be dangerous out here this time of night” I replied.

“I like to skate when I’m stressed. I use to compete in ice skating when I was a girl with my mom. I got injured and my knee wasn’t healthy enough to compete any longer” she explained.
I listened intently and was absolutely intrigued.
“What are you stressed about” I couldn’t help but ask?
She turned away and awkwardly dodged the question.
“So, what about you” she asked?
I hated having to talk about me. There isn’t nothing worth really talking about.
“I was just taking a walk”.
“In the middle of the night” she asked confused?
She gave me a look like I just told you something personal now give me something personal in return.
“Ahh, I was trying to clear my mind and get into the Christmas spirit so I can write an article”.

She was surprised.
“You’re a writer! What do you write”?
“Articles for the Daily News. Specifically, the heartfelt column”.
She jumped for joy.
“Oh, my god. Your Jerome Cane” she shouted.
I nodded my head “you heard of me” I couldn’t believe it.
“My mother and I love your column we read it every Sunday. You are definitely not what I pictured” she admitted.
I didn’t dignify her with a response and try to stand up but I stumble. I grabbed my head in pain as I begun to get a headache. Lee looks at me understanding the real reason why I fell. She takes my hand.

“Come on, I know the perfect cure to soak up that alcohol.”
We go to her car so she can change out of her ice skates and then we walk to a corner vendor.
“New York hot dogs” I say a little condescending.
“It will fix everything”.
I laugh at her passion for these hot dogs and she pulls me over to a big water fountain in the middle of a hospital court yard.
I felt like it was a little strange “a hospital though”.
“Shut up. It’s pretty with all the lights they put up for Christmas. Come look”.
I sit and look at all the lights with her. She was right. It was beautiful.

“ So, why can’t you write? What is it about this article?”
I shrug.
“Christmas is just not my holiday. It hasn’t been for a while now” I admitted.
“Why”?
I dismissed the question. I shrugged again.
“Okay. How about this? Growing up what was your favorite Christmas memory”?
I think hard but I haven’t really delved deep into my memory since my mother died.
“Um, I don’t know.”
I laughed when I finally thought of something.
“This isn’t much of a favorite memory but… my mother’s favorite thing to do was to decorate the tree and she would always ask me to help and I would complain because no matter what she would always move the ornaments into a “better” spot after I already added it onto the tree. She would promise that she wouldn’t do it no more but she could never help herself”.

I continued to laugh thinking about it and Lee began to share my joy but than she asked “and does she still move the ornaments till this day”?
I instantly stopped laughing. The question hit my heart like a pin into a voodoo doll. I shook my head and said “no”.
I got up and turned away so she don’t notice the look of pain on my face. She comes up next to me and I quickly wipe the tears and clear my throat.
“What about you” I ask?
“Favorite Christmas memory.”
She took a second to think.
“Baking cookies for Santa Claus with my mom. It became a bit of a tradition. We would have girl talk and make predictions about what will happen the next year.”
I thought that was actually a cool tradition.
“And did anything you predict ever come true” I asked innocently.
Her demeanor changed.
“Trust me. I could have never predicted what happened this year if my life depended on it”.
Some how I felt like I had said something to offend her. She ran out the courtyard. I gave her a minute before I went looking for her. When I found her she was standing in the lobby of the hospital talking to a doctor. It seemed a bit heated and I waited until he left to walk up to her.

“Hey, What are you doing in here”?
“I was just warming up. It was getting a little cold out there”.
She was lying. I felt like there was definitely something deeper going and she needed a distraction so I decided to take her hand.
“What are you doing” she asked?
I smiled.
“Now it’s my turn to take you somewhere”.
She hesitated.
“You trust me right”.
She squinted her eyes.
“I believe so” she said sarcastically.

I took her to my church.
“A library” she said confused?
“I have keys. My old English teacher from high school manages the library now. He allows me to come and go in case I ever need to do research for the paper”.
“What you never heard of the internet” she joked.

We went into the library. This was the first time today I haven’t felt on edge. I walked her to the fairytale section. Walking up and down the aisles scanning the books with my finger reminiscing my childhood. Lee studied me curiously patiently waiting for me to reveal what is weighing on my mind.

“My mom use to read to me every night. She was the one that made me believe that fairytales were real. She taught me that life is a very long hard journey but the out come will be a happy ending worth celebrating. I stopped believing in my happy ending five years ago today.”

I picked up an old copy of sleeping beauty and studied it for a moment. Lee was laser focused hanging on my every word. I felt so exposed but felt comfortable to be vulnerable with her. I couldn’t hold back tears

“She passed away. Completely unexpectedly right before Christmas”.
I became weak and dropped the book.
“She had an aneurism just like that. One minute she is there than the next…gone”.
Lee couldn’t help herself and threw herself into my arms wrapping her arms around my waist resting her head onto my chest. It had felt like she needed that hug just as much as I did.
After opening up to Lee I walked her to her car to make sure she was safe. The walk was a little silent and awkward. I sure hoped that me telling her about my mom would crack her open to be honest with me but every time I thought she was going to speak she changed her mind.

“Well, it was nice to meet you… Jerome Cane”.
I laughed.
“You can just call me Rome”.
She got in the car and rolled down the window.
“Can I have your phone number? Maybe we can get some breakfast tomorrow or something” I suggested.

“Hmm. I feel like I’m obligated to. I mean we need you to get your Christmas spirit back cause otherwise I won’t have a column to read on Sunday.”

I couldn’t help but smile and she took my phone and entered her number.
“And who knows. Maybe we can fix that happy ending of yours as well” she flirtatiously added giving me back my phone.

“I’ll call you in the morning Lee” I said shaking her hand.
“Looking forward to it Rome”.
*

I couldn’t wait until morning came. I called Lee around 10 o’clock but she never answered. I got dressed and then texted her but once again there was no response. It was going on noon and an email came through on my computer.
DEADLINE SATURDAY BY MIDNIGHT

I’m so tired of my boss. I grabbed my coat and took a walk down the street to the cafe. To my surprise there she was drinking coffee looking stressed out with papers all over the table. I walked in and one of the papers fell off. I picked it up and handed it to her but not before noticing that it looked like medical papers.

“Hey, Lee” I said handing her the paper.
“Oh, shit. Rome” she quickly scooped up the papers and snatching the one I had in my hand.

She hurried outside to her car. I watched her struggle to get in.
The barista walked over with my usual coffee order because I come here everyday. I handed him money and said thank you.
I grabbed her coffee and walked it out to her.
“Your forgetting this” I said.
Lee grabbed her coffee and she was so quick to drive off.
“Wait, I thought we agreed to get breakfast today”.

She seemed regretful “I know Rome I’m sorry. I’m really busy right now. I’ll call you later okay”.

She drove off before I could even agree. I walked back over to the park where the skating rink was. I sat on the bench watching couples skate together drinking my coffee.

I couldn’t help but think to myself that yesterday she was taking to a doctor at the hospital. Fuck with my luck I would finally like someone and they would be sick.

At the hospital Lee is biting her nails sitting in a chair looking out a window looking stressed out. A voice over took the room. A woman’s voice sounding tired, sick and frail.
“Stop biting them nails baby girl”.
Lee looks lovingly at this woman in the hospital bed.

“Hey, mom” she said rubbing her head.
“How long was I out of it this time” she asked?
“You were out of it pretty much all day yesterday”.
Her mother weakly sits up.
“That dialysis is really kicking my ass” she admitted.

A knock on the door interrupted them.
“Good, your up Ms. Johnson.”
“Connie, Please”.
The nurse smiles. “Of course”.
“Unfortunately we don’t have any better news. The dialysis is just a band aid at this point. You need a kidney transplant now. What we need is a Christmas miracle to bump up your eligibility. Until then we can make you comfortable”.

Lee stands up.
“Wait. So, your not going to give her dialysis anymore to by her some time” she asked?

“Sweetheart” Connie said.
The nurse has to reassure her.
“The dialysis just is not working any more. It is breaking down your mothers body causing more harm then good. There’s nothing else we can do but, wait until your mothers number is called for her transplant. I’m sorry”.

The nurse leaves “baby, come here. Sit with me”.
Lee walks over sits down and holds her moms hand.
“Tell me. What did I miss”?
“Mom, we don’t have to..” she cuts her off.
“I want to know everything. It will take our minds off things”.

Lee takes a deep breath.
“So, after you fell asleep I went to lunch in the cafeteria. Then I went and spent some time with the kids in the pediatric ward. We sang songs and played games”.

Connie listened with joy.
“Then I went ice skating. Met a guy. Ate a hot dog for dinner”.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Go back. You met a guy.”
Lee smiles.
“I met Jerome Cain”.
Connie playfully smacks her “shut up”.

“We hung out last night getting to know each other”.
“Is he cute” Connie asked?
“He’s very cute mom. We were supposed to actually see each other today but”

“But what, baby”?
“I don’t have time. I need to be here with you making sure you get your taking care of”.

“Jubilee Marie. Nothing would make me feel better than for you to find happiness. Your happy ending”.

Once she said that Lee’s ears perked up remembering what Rome said about fairy tales and happy endings. She took it as a sign that she should call him.

*
Rome is sitting at the library reading A Walk to Remember from Nicholas Sparks. The story is about a teenage romance where a troubled teen boy falls in love with the pastors daughter who turns out to have cancer.
Lee calls Rome. He sees her call and he ignores it.
After losing his mother the thought of loosing someone else would be too much for him. He rather put a stop to it before it even starts.
She can’t believe he ignored her call and felt like she needed to go apologize. She decides to go look for him. She gives her mother a kiss on the forehead.

“I’ll be back soon, mom” Lee said.

After reading for a while I left the library and started to walk back to my apartment. I was about to walk into my place when randomly I heard a honk.
It was Lee she got out of her car and ran over to me.
“What are you doing here” he asked?
“I wanted to apologize for earlier. I was going through something difficult and I ran away.”

“It’s okay. It’s understandable. We don’t have to connect Lee. I get it.”
She seemed confused.
“You do” she asked?
“Yeah, I saw the papers earlier. Your sick and don’t want to get close to someone. I get it. I wouldn’t want to get close to someone either in your condition.”

“What? Rome, I’m not sick.”
“Your not”?

Now I’m confused.
“Is there some where we can go so I can explain” she asked?
“Are you okay with coming up” I asked?

She agreed.

*

It has been a while since anyone has been up in this apartment. I haven’t made a connection with a woman in years. I have closed off my heart for so long but, now just staring at this beautiful woman is making my heart beat so fast. I don’t want this feeling to end.

Lee is walking around my apartment acknowledging my accomplishments. The degrees and awards hanging on the walls. Columns of old articles every where. My extensive book collection. All of my pictures. She stops on a picture of a woman.

“Is this your mom”?
I smiled “yes”.
“She’s beautiful”.

“So, what’s up Lee? What is your story? I told you mine.”
She takes a deep breath.
“My mother. She is in the hospital. She obtained an infection and it turned into sepsis. It destroyed her kidneys. She has been on dialysis for the last six months but, now her times up.”

Lee began to break down.
“Iiitt’s not working anymore. She needs the transplant now and who knows where she is on the donor list. They - they - they stopped dialysis. Sh she’s dying”.

Her break down turns into full blown tears and I walked over and grabbed her so tight.

If it’s anything that I understand it is the loss of your mother. We hugged what felt like a long time. I pulled away and looked at her longingly in the eyes.
“I know how you feel” I said.
“I’m so sorry. I know this is a lot knowing what your dealing with but..”.
I shushed her and light grazed her cheek.
We both felt so connected in that moment there was no denying our chemistry. I decided to go in for a kiss. We kissed and it was so beyond words that the feeling escalated to the bedroom.

*

The next morning we woke up and it was so comfortable. We did it again in the morning. She was laying on my chest hugging me so close. Until her phone rang interrupting the moment.

“Oh, my god it’s the hospital” .
Lee jumped up so fast getting dressed.
“Hello. Yes this is Jubilee Johnson. Okay, I’m on my way”.
I start getting dressed as well.
“What happened”?
“My mother went into shock. I need to go.”
I follow her.
“You want me to come”?
“No”. She aggressively stopped me. Pushing me away.
“I want to be there for you”.
“There’s literally nothing you can do for me. I’ll call you later”.

She runs out and I pace back and forth in my apartment wondering what I should do. My heart tells me to go but, my brain tells me to stay. I haven’t listened to my heart for a very long time. It could lack judgement. I don’t even know if I can trust it.

“Fuck it. I’m going to the hospital”.
When I got to the hospital Lee was flipping out on the nurses and doctors.
“You need to save my mom. What are you doing? If my mom dies I’m suing this hospital.”

I run over to try to calm the situation.
“Are you the husband” one of the doctors ask?

I give them a look to fuck off and I grab Lee to calm her down but only her emotions are way too heightened.
“Get off of me. Why are you here?”
“I came to support you” I told her.
“Support me. I told you to fuck off. This is my mom yours died. Stop trying to use my situation to get over yours you fucking weirdo”.

I was taking aback. I found someone for the first time that made me feel like my heart wasn’t made of stone and she crushed it so fast.
I let go of her and she pushed me. She looked embarrassed but, didn’t want to admit she was wrong and walked away without a word.
I wanted to clear my head so, I walked around the hospital for a while.

I came across the children’s ward and, It made me look at life so differently. All of these kids were staring at death in the face and, still found a way to keep a smile on their face and continue to have fun. Why and how are kids this strong and resilient? They are the Christmas miracle. One thing my mom would always say is that Christmas is for the kids. That’s why she would donate to St. Jude every year.
It is the fairytale of Santa Claus that keeps the spirit of Christmas alive. I mean even long after I stopped believing in Santa Claus that never stopped my mom from writing from Santa on my gifts. I think I get it now.

After wandering around for a while I came across the room that Lee’s mother was in. I stood there looking in through the blinds.
Lee was sitting by her bed holding her hand but Connie was unconscious. A nurse walked over.

“It’s a shame she is out of time.That young lady does not deserve to watch her mother die on Christmas” .

I could not bare to let her lose her mother like I lost mine. Not if I had anything to say about it.

*

I went home and I wrote. I wrote a heart felt article about a beautiful woman that I coincidentally met who’s mother is sick while I am grieving mine. How her mother needs a kidney transplant weeks ago and is on the brink of death. I wrote how this woman name Jubilee helped me feel again and the sick children at the hospital gave me back my Christmas spirit that I thought I lost so long ago.

I made my deadline. By midnight I sent in my article and, it was published for the Sunday morning paper. After staying up writing for hours I had passed out.
I woke up to a barrage of knocks at my door. When I opened it it was Lee. She jumped into my arms. I was confused as I was a sleep for a while after such an emotional roller coaster of emotions that I went through for the past few days.

“What are you doing here? The last time I saw you I thought for sure I was never going to see you ever again.”

“I read your column. Rome it was so beautiful. Because of you your column reached so many people and, my mother was donated a kidney. She is having an emergency surgery as we speak” she told me.

I walked away and, sat on my couch.
“That’s great” I admit but, I’m definitely seemed unenthused.
“My mom is going to live aren’t you glad”?
“No. Of course that was definitely my intention. I’m confused on why your here. Your mom is getting a kidney and, that’s great but, I’m still grieving over the loss of mine. It really hurt what you…”.
She interrupted me.
“Stop. I know I said some things at the hospital and, I regret every word. I thought my mom was going to die and, I was acting irrational. Which should not be an excuse”.

“I get it. Trust me I do. I think you should be at the hospital not here”.
“So, all of this was only a story to you. Nothing we had meant nothing to you”.
I shrugged.
“It was all just for a good story.” I was lying through my teeth.
I thought I had learned my lesson and my Christmas spirit had returned but I couldn’t help but be jealous that Lee has more time with her mom.
She seemed stuck for words she didn’t know what to say.
“Well, thanks I guess” she got up and, left.

I got up so angry and, swiped a bunch of shit off my table. I can’t believe I was such a dick and, let her walk out of here like that.

The article popped up on my computer. The vibration of flinging shit off the table made my screen pop on. I sat down and, read the article.

HEARTFELT COLUMN

Today’s column is about the strength of a beautiful young lady named Jubilee Johnson that helped me regain the Christmas spirit with her hope. Hope that her mother will get better. A woman named Constance Johnson is in need of a kidney transplant. Her condition is extremely dire and, if anyone out there is willing a woman could use your help. I have been a complete mess since my mother passed away five years ago. Not giving a care in the world. Ironic for someone who writes heartfelt articles every week. However, Jubilee has made a spark inside of me. One that is hard to ignore.
My mother told me that happy endings are a possibility but, when she died I gave up on that possibility until now. Losing your mother is one of the worst hurts of your life I don’t want that to happen to Lee. So, please help her out if you can and, bring a Christmas miracle to life.
Also if you would like to spread a little Holiday cheer please donate to the St. Jude Foundation so, a child can enjoy their Christmas.

- Roman Cain

I finished reading and, the news came on.

“Merry Christmas everyone. Today’s story is about a local columnist who helped a woman receive a kidney transplant on Christmas as she was on the brink of death. What a miracle!”

“Okay, I get it mom” I shouted out loud.
I put on some clothes and, race outside to stop her.

“Lee” I shout.
She turns and, I run over to her out of breath.
She is waiting for me to say something.
“I like you” I say.
“That’s nice” she responds.
“I’m serious. I can’t stop thinking about you. I can’t help but, feel like we were brought into each others lives for a reason.”
She agrees.
“Me too”.
I grab her waist and she grabs my face. We kiss. Lee takes my hand.
“Come back with me to the hospital. My mother should be getting out of surgery soon I want her to meet you”.

I smile. “I will be delighted”.

We walked to the hospital and, that was the beginning of the rest of my life. Lee and I had married a couple years later with a bundle of Joy on the way.
A little girl named after my mother born on Christmas Day and, I never lost my Christmas spirit again. I see it every time I look into my daughters eyes. My very own Christmas miracle.