... is going off the air in 2011. Plan accordingly.

I too have an announcement to make... beginning in three years, I will no longer wear socks. After many hours of prayer and thought, I came to the decision that wearing socks, while it made me famous, is just something thats time has passed. I would like to spend my golden years sockless and retired. But, we have just enough time to honor my socks. So in the short three years ahead, everyday I will present you with an ode to my socks.

...ahem...

Oh! Cotton clothed foot gloves!
Where have ye gone!
In shoe nor hamper, do ye show your face.
A hat for toes no longer,
to looms fruity heaven you float.

Remember when, back in the day,
your holes were wide and many?
A molotov fuze you made for me,
back in the revolution of '93.
The thin red line across the toes,
we dared to cross together.

Socky-sock sock face!
Face of socky sock-socks.
When toilet paper was few,
I could always count on you,
to -

Well, it pretty much goes on for like four or five pages. Emotionally charged, I think that's the best way to describe my work.

You all have homework. Tell me why Twilight sucks below and you'll get a prize respect, that's all it is.
 

... "Can you spare half a million dollars please?"

Why yes, I can spare half a million dollars worth of advice, right now!

Mi Belle * Michelle asks: "How do you keep a secret from coming out? If only half the room knows the secret and everyone is talking about the same issue?"

Secrets aren't just a ladies deodorant, and are only fun when you know them. Keeping them from getting out can be difficult, especially when those in the know are chatting about it so dangerously around the unknowers. There are only two things that can take a persons mind off of a secret: sex & violence. So, in the situation you've described I say either flash or punch your way to keeping that secret where it belongs. Try doing both at once, then the room will completely drop the secret subject. You're welcome.

Ariana asks: "If a company is purchased in a hostile takeover, what happens to the remaining shares that weren't purchased?"

Those shares become non-performing assets that count against the company in their fourth quarter reports and micro-economically tariffized into double-downed 401k Roth, IMF balanced spread sheets against the 15% rebated interest rates. So buy them up while you have time!!! You're welcome.

Noa נעה asks: "[W]hat should I get the Palestinian girl in my economics class for 'Holiday', since we are evidently having some kind of 'Holiday gift exchange'?"

That's a tough one. Because not only do you have to pick an appropriate gift, but you have to pick a politically sensitive one as well. I was thinking about this over a pipe and brandy in front of my fireplace, when it hit me. This Palestinian friend of yours is a girl and girls like the same thing the world over. So, get her a gift card to Victoria's Secret and a bottle of fake tan. That's what I get all my lady friends, and they never call back because they're too busy enjoying these gifts. No Victoria's Secret in Tel Aviv? Just ask around NYC while you're there, hundreds of kind men will line up to help you find one. You're welcome!

NOVAcatmando'ing NaNo... asks: "Is it possible to transport water from the moon?"

Yes! In fact it's easy. You fly a rocket ship to the moon and use a space drill, then you collect the water in space clouds and float them over the Earth where it becomes moon rain! The moon rain is then collected in buckets and used on Slip-n-Slides! I do science good. You're welcome!

Scarlett asks: "How much do toy boys cost these days?"

Hmmm, that's a tough one... what did Mariah Carey and Demi Moore pay for theirs? It depends on the quality I take it. Be sure to find one with papers and all its shots, that's a good place to start. And if you're looking at an import, be double sure it's not a knock-off! You're welcome!

Phew! All this advising has got me beat! Looks like another day of not doing homework! Today is the GREAT AMERICAN SMOKE OUT which I take it means that we are all supposed to pick up the habit! So get to smoking America!
 

... did it. My brother and SIL are having a baby. Not this minute, but in like 8 months or so.

I think no one is as excited as my mom. She's been talking nothing but baby lately. My SIL went and got a "mom" haircut yesterday. Oi vey!

I'm excited for them, but I question anything that's small, built like a human and doesn't speak English. What's its intentions? Is it a spy? I'll have to learn its habits and mannerisms.

I was giving the SIL trouble cause she's been hunting down gender neutral stuff, and I say she needs to find politically neutral things as well. Also, I've been hunting out a Che baby outfit, but to no avail. Just a little something the baby can wear when Uncle Zack comes by. You know, politically neutral.

So, we were talking about watching the birth, as in, will my bro do it. And I said I wouldn't. SIL says, and I quote, "When your wife (or girlfriend) is having a baby...". Fair parenthetical deuce. Which got me thinking, I don't know if I've ever had a girlfriend sane enough to reproduce with.

I used to date Yellow Witch for a beat, but she wasn't sane... she was Bosnian - [Please play the following videos in rapid succession]

... and it consists of this: {Link:http://howto.wired.com/wiki/Read_a_Barcode?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+wired%2Findex+%28Wired%3A+Index+3+%28Top+Stories+2%29%29}

Until this very moment, you never thought about teaching yourself to read barcodes with your naked eyes, and now you can't stop thinking about it can you?

It's been raining here for forty days straight. No lie, only slight exaggeration. I have a headache, and think I have the flu. Not even swine flu, I'm so passe I've got bird flu.

Did you hear about this book by Sarah Palin? "Going Rogue" is the title... which, as we all know WASP fiscal conservatives have always been considered revolutionary, and counter-culture. Especially here in the United States. That broad's a regular Che Guevara.

I think she's a walking insult to intelligence, but that's just me. A lot of people like her cause she's folksy and speaks in small words. They want to see her president cause, hey, if this country is going to go down the crapper it may as well do it with all the class and sophistication of a NASCAR race.

Anyhoo, did you know today is INTERNATIONAL UNDERWEAR LIBERATION DAY. That's right, another year has passed and we once again liberate ourselves from our undies. So, tell me, how are you celebrating without under-drawers today?
 

... have I ever been behind.

Missed a few days there, but nothing to worry about, nothing that can't be made up.

I don't think he'd mind my saying, but our friend Pancake Master , aka Røb, will be on the "Jeopardy" television program tomorrow (check your local listings). It's huge news, especially around these parts where our last competitor on the big show, Melvin, not only finished in the negative, but kept saying "god dned Canuck" under his breath every time Trebek would correct him. Poor Melvin, he actually works in City Hall here.

Thanksgiving is nearly here. This holiday means less and less to me as I get older. There's football on and usually someone spends like 8 -12 hours cooking a bunch of goodies, but otherwise, I'm "meh" over Thanksgiving.

So, in elementary school fashion, I want you to tell me what you're Thankful for this year. No need to make a hand stencil turkey, you can just type it in the box below. I'm personally thankful for cheap booze.

... egg on my face!

Did you know perineum meant taint. As in, "it taint your ass and it taint your balls, it's your taint", taint!?!?!

Cause I did! I was rubbing my taint all over this site for weeks if not days! I can just imagine over in the children's genre, every time my handle would pass by they'd cover their eyes and shriek in fear of my taint. I bet they can still taste it!!!

I had e-mailed Paige Turner , Yellow Witch and Problematic Content to document my taint on WdC (with my taint), and yesterday the site 5-0 finally caught me! Sophy was kind enough to share this exchange with me:

Sophy : Your handle has been cleared. Handles must be E rated. Perineum is not E rated.

Z Perineum ( (: Whaaaa - , but, I don't understand!?! What's going on!?!

Sophy : What don't you understand? How do you define Perineum?

Z Perineum ( (: I define it as "I have a Perineum Membership to WdC". What'choo got?

Sophy : That would be Premium Membership. Not Perineum Membership. But if you want to change your handle to "I have a Premium Membership" then go for it. Just not Perineum.

So close! I thought I'd get her to define it for me! In any event, Sophy and I shared something in that short exchange. We bonded over taint, and that's about the tightest bond that can be made.

Now it's back to the drawing board to find out other ways to make WdC my personal fun house. Any suggestions? What hi-jinx should I try next?


 

... man the guns!

I got "Call of Duty: Modern Warfare II" yesterday. I'm not a big, "get the game the day it comes out" type guy, but I think this was necessary. I spent a good deal of time last night hunting terrorists. I mean it is Vet's Day, what better way to celebrate than with CoD?

This is the one game I play on-line. The others I may dabble, but this is the gnarly or the gnarled on-line. I spend most of my time dead though, so my stats are slow to rise. If on-line play were a war movie, I'd be the comic-relief guy with a girl back home, on his last tour, who you know is going to get smoked.

"Did... did I get 'em, captain, did I?"
"You got him soldier *sniff**sniff*, you got him."
"God... bless... Americaaaaaa..." - And dead.

There have been dudes playing this since midnight two nights ago like non-stop. I got things to do, I can't be that guy.

Speaking of soldiering as a profession. My brother bought some of the original G.I. Joe cartoons this past week and I watched one this weekend with him. You think of things that you normally wouldn't of when you were a kid. Like what does the USG budget office think of all these jets that get destroyed in every episode? Everyone is always bailing out! It's like no one has ever landed a jet in the Joe unit.

Or how is everyone's aim so bad? I mean, this has been well documented, but aiming at humans seems fruitless... aiming at an inanimate object though, these guys are suddenly 100%.

You know what... I think that cartoon was made for kids!!!

What's your biggest cartoon let-down from being a kids to an adult? Mine is actually He-Man.
 

... one surprise lighter.

Alright, the pressure of keeping this secret has just been too much! I'm dropping it on your heads.

"RESERVOIR BLOGS #1"  = the super secret newsletter being created in secret... secretly.

Some of you got this through the group of the same name, but I'm going to leave that link here for all to see. Then, if you so chose, you may petition for entry into the group. There's a vast induction ritual that you have to undertake which includes collecting a pair of 23 different freshman girls' underwear and then streaking through the quad during lunch. A keg stand usually fits into this somewhere too.

I think I wrote succinctly in the intro of the newsletter the group's goals, the newsletter's purpose and what not, so I won't repeat it here. But do give it a look and the group a consideration.

If nothing else, you should play the games, they're wickedly mischievous
 

... Large Hadron Collider.

You guys know how much I like to do science. I like doing science more than doing football! Well, here is some scienceing for you: Bird drops baguette, halts Collider.

http://news.cnet.com/8301-17852_3-10392917-71.html?part=rss&subj=news&tag=2...

The fact that a bird can carry a hunk of baguette anywhere near the Hadron Collider is startling to me first off. You would think for the $9 billion invested in this thing, someone would put a roof over it. But, what captured my attention most about this article was the other article linked within from the NYT.

The Collider, the Particle and a Theory About Fate
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/13/science/space/13lhc.html?_r=2

Long/short, a couple of physicists have a theory that the Hadron Collider's mishaps and what-nots are being caused by, well... The Higgs particle (or "God" particle if your bashing a bible (instead of your bishop)) would be, these guys say, so abhorrent to the nature of our time and space, that the universe itself, when suffering its consequences, would come back in time and prevent the Collider from working.

Confusing? Not really. You're playing a video game, you save your game at a checkpoint then fall in a pit. You go back to the checkpoint and this time don't fall in the pit. The Large Hadron Collider: Proving Nature Uses Autosave

This theory actually coincides with one of my own, the Zack Theory Of Awesometivity (Or Z=Mc∂ ©, using ∂ = awesome). What this theory states is that you will not die. You, as you sit and know yourself, will live a long life, or as long as your physical body allows. If you went out today and were to cross a street, you may stop just in time to not get hit by a car.

Alternately, as I sit and know myself, I may read that you were hit by a car and I would do crying . Stephen Hawkings a few years back said, in regards to his original black hole theory, that the building blocks of matter and energy could not be destroyed in a black hole, they were simply maintained in an alternate universe. We can only exist in one temporal universe at a time, hence, you may pass in my universe, I may pass in yours, but in one universe we keep on trucking.

You will die, eventually, physically there's only so much the body can do. But consciousness, energy, cannot be destroyed or lost from the universe. If these theories about the branching of time, about parallel and alternate universes are true, then one of you has to live out the full time your physical body will allow. See?

I feel like you're all still thinking about that damned bird. Here, let Carl Sagan's auto-tuned voice woo you back to me:

... your SATURDAY STUMPER


If I were to reside on the Satellite of Love, on what cult, classic TV show might I appear? That's the Satellite of Love.

Good luck to all competitors, many will enter few will win.