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 |   My journey through (and beyond) the valley with Cancer as my companion. |
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Dear Friend: This is not a Blog about writing! (I already have one of those.) This is a blog about a journey I am taking with illness. I have recently been diagnosed with Cancer. My goal is honest therapy as I progress through, and beyond this new reality in my life. I hope that, somewhere along the way you will find some words that will help you too. While this is, in fact, an interactive Blog, I hope that you will scroll slowly down this page. For you see, the front of this Blog IS my journey. The entries are conversations that are held along the journey.Yes, there is a lot on it--before actually getting to the Blog entries. But, I hope that by the objects and words which appear before the Blog itself, you might come to understand just a little bit about me, and my journey, and some truly amazing friends who have agreed to journey with me. I hope that you, too, will choose to accompany me on my walk--through the Valley. I invite you to join me, and discover the wondrous truths, meet some truly amazing people, and share those "memorable" moments this journey will undoubtedly present. Come along, won't you? In His Care, ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Would you like to help me help others? I found this amazing organization, and I am proud to be a sponsor. I hope you will check it out. It's called The Network For Good.  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** "RISUS OMNIA - INCRUMENTUS PER DEDECUS - SAPIENTIA PER DAMNUM" ("Every thing is funny - Growth through humiliation - Wisdom through loss") ~Leunig~ The hilltop hour would not be half so wonderful if there were no dark valleys to traverse. ~Helen Keller~ "If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people." ~Virginia Woolf~ ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** "There is strength in truth." ~The Barton Family Crest~ ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** “Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved.” — Helen Keller, American social activist, public speaker and author (1880-1968) I have moved the list of my thanks for those who have helped to make this little Blog so very special. I hope that you will take a moment to read the list, growing every day, and let these fellow travellers along this journey know that you appreciate the contributions they make to our walk together.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Please feel free to click on the Blog Rings icon below to be transported to some of the very best of the Best Bloggers around WDC. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** If you are new to WDC, or to our Blogging community, I highly recommend the monthly edition of "The Blogville News". Feel free to click below, and let Scarlett   know that a Blogger sent ya!Hey! We've started a Christian's Blog Ring on WDC. Click on the logo, and join us! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Budroe
 Ring LeaderI have three publications at the moment. Here is a link to purchase my latest one. Buy a great read, and help a fellow writer out, Okay?  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I am located south of Nashville, Tennessee. Got it? I am one state away from the Gulf of Mexico. South, way south. Okay? So Sara comes over and we decide today is the day to go Christmas shopping. Outside, both the kitty and I are absolutely struck dumb when it begins. The kitty is only 8 months old, remember. For the past several weeks, the kitty has been aggressively guarding the front door from any rogue leaf that might somehow fall onto my porch. Good kitty. Suddenly, the kitty sees, I mean "sees" the precipitation that has begun falling. Snow. The kitty has never seen snow. It's incredible. He is busily guarding against every flake he sees. Chattering and meowing, he doesn't understand what he is seeing, but it obviously is not a good thing. He has a new enemy. He now has to guard his turf from the snow! Hilarious! Sadly, I understand his dilemma. I cannot believe I am seeing snow fall outside my house. This is just the wrong place. It's like a time warp.I don't understand. I feel the kitty's consternation.Again, Hilarious! The cat and I are bonding over something very strange in our world. Then, off to the Mall. It was a good time, with a few items selected. Suddenly, the rumor spreads across the square footage: the mall is closing! My goodness. It has been snowing non-stop. It is 27 degrees, and ice is becoming a concern. No customers. The mall is closing. Great! How am I supposed to shop in a closed mall? Sara has never driven on snow! What? Much concern and confusion as we begin the long 1/2 mile journey home. Are you freaking kidding me? Less than an inch of snow, folks. This is just way beyond strange. I submit that Tennessee drivers are a very special, suicidal breed to begin with, but this is just incredible. The city is slowly shutting down because of less than an inch of snow! Oh, my. Yes, I am definitely in the South. Thank goodness, I am In His Care, Budroe |
| For those of you who might care to know, things are going alright for me right now. Much of my time is being given to the Annual Advent Adventure. It is going so very well! I am surprised, and totally satisfied with the progress of our adventurers this year. As they have determined for themselves, there is some really deep work going on. Digging deep into the message of Christmas seems to be having a profoundly positive effect on us all this year. Already, I could say the Adventure has been well worth the last year's work. I can only hope the other adventurers would say the same: so far they have. I'm very proud of them as they have reached inside themselves so deeply, committed to complete the adventure honorably. There has also been some really good writing to come from the work. I hope to list it as a reference guide upon the completion of the Adventure, to use in future adventures. It's not fluff stuff, folks. There is some really amazing writing here! I'm glad for that. To know that the adventure is creating such an affect on the participants that such quality is coming from the event is highly gratifying. It must be correct, after all. I'm glad for that. I hope Dad gets all the glory. So far, He has. Personally, things are taking on a routine. I have a home care worker, and will visit the labs tomorrow for routine blood work. My kitty still loves me, and Sara visits almost every day. We are dealing with modifications to my home for handicapped access, primarily in the bathroom and a (somewhere!) ramp for a wheelchair. I am getting "into the system" here. It is much simpler, now that the approvals have been received and processed. I hope it remains to be so, but after several years of fighting, I am not ready to let down my guard. On the one hand, I need not to create any further complications in my increasingly complex world. On the other hand, I don't want to be the victim of a rather knotted bureaucracy. With Sara's help, I am learning to live on limited (but manageable) finances. There are a few arguments there, but we are working them out. For four years now, I have wanted to feel as if I was doing something productive, something that would contribute. Right now, I feel that I have, and that I am. The project is not mine. I am just practicing Stewardship over my Dad's work. I feel close, and know that this is His work. That's fine with me. The SAD is really starting to kick in, and it is very difficult for others to understand or deal with. I am doing what I can to mitigate the effects, but it is hard to do. I want to be happy, to feel as though things are going really well. Winter just kills my soul. I do know that Winter is not a time of death, but of hibernation. It's just so terrible that I am mostly like a hibernating Grizzly which has been awakened very early--every day. This is a time when I consistently feel as if I am letting myself and everyone else down on a regular basis. Depression reigns, and it is a fog just so deep I cannot see through it. That makes others crazy, because they just cannot understand how a season can have such an effect on a person. I don't understand it myself. But, day by day, I do persevere with it. And, in the process, I do strive with all my being to remain, as I pray you are, In His Care, Budroe |
| Things go forward for me. I am doing pretty well as we head into December, the Holidays, and the end of the first decade of the Century, and the first year of the second decade of this Century. I suppose that, like it or don't, this really IS the 21st Century. I feel incredibly lucky to live during this time. I have so many things which just purely interest me (as you may have noticed) that every day has been filled with learning, adventure and wonder. If you stop to consider the times we live in for a moment, you may well share this wonder with me. The Annual Advent Adventure goes extraordinarily well, with a group of determined adventurers who are giving their all to the success of this activity. The first time is always a difficult time for the creator, but this bunch has blown all my expectations away. These folks are truly doing the work, and in ways that just stop me cold with wonder. It is a terrific journey so far, and I can only thank the adventurers with my whole heart. I know I'm pleased. I hope Dad is, too. NaNo 2010 is done, and I did not make the mark this year. The book, "Turner Falls" is secure, but not ready for writing yet. It will be, and when it is I will write it. On to next year! I hope this day, and every day, finds you, In His Care, Budroe |
| This book, currently titled "Return to Turner Falls", has become a pure beast of segmented thought, wounded plot, and lack of message. I can't even find a reason to believe it will be a pleasurable read! Trying to wrangle words on a project that, at this moment, is being described privately with more expletives than otherwise has raised my stress rate to nearly uncontrollable levels. It did not propel me through NaNo happily. It is too soon a major task. I set it aside with a sense of relief. There is a story in there; I just cannot find it at the moment. I do not spend a lot of quality time wrestling my novels. This one is telling me that fermentation is required. To write it this "green" would be a complete waste of time. My job as a writer is to know this, and deal with it appropriately. I have not "trunked" the work because there IS a novel of substance in there somewhere. If it gets written, I will write it. I will not write it now, however. My time, for the next month, will be dedicated to the daily activities and fellowship of the Annual Advent Adventure. I am hoping that many more WDC members will participate. It is a bit of a commitment, at approximately twenty minutes each of the first 25 days of Christmas. For those who would like a "reset" on the entire Christmas Holiday itself, this will be a life-changing event. I would love to see hundreds involved, because I believe this work will bring a new sense of celebration to their holidays. I don't believe there's any "preachy" parts, although Scripture is the focus of each day. It is the Scripture of the Christmas Story, delivered in a way that is understandable, simple and relevant. The true power of the series, however, is the potential for interaction between the participants. New friends can and (I think) will be made. The season will be revived in the hearts of those who take a few minutes each day in December to reflect, apart from the craziness of these difficult times, on what this is all about, anyway. The opportunities to inject individual situations into this series are profound, and I look forward to some amazing stories from the journey. If you would like to sign up to participate, just click on the image. That's where I will be for the next few weeks. Turner Falls will just have to wait, while I remain, In His Care, Budroe |
| I'm in a new home. I have the medical coverage, home care, assistance and help that I need to exist safely in a strange environment. I have people here who care for and love me. I have a pet who loves me. I have much that I did not have one year ago. I begin to have hope again. I have the beginnings of the flu, yet I am thankful that this is not a life-threatening condition. I have a sense of replacement in my life, from a very bad existence over several years, to a much better life in only a short time. I have thousands of words ready to become the next novel. I am writing, every day. I am participating in some online communities that mean very much to me. I write to, and hear from, friends that mean something special to me. I have a strong faith that sustains me daily. I have food. I have shelter. I have access to an online life of purpose. I have a sense of tomorrow for the first time in four years. In 2010, I have been truly blessed many times over. I know them each and every one, and have not taken any one of them for granted. There have been difficulties receiving some of these blessings, but that mostly comes from a lessened sense of worth or worthiness. That sometimes (yes, usually) happens because of the overwhelming nature of the gifts I have been given. I have a dear friend who has cared with me, and for me non-stop--even when I did not, could not. Pretty much everything that comes before can be directly associated with this friend. I am thankful that, among all those who could be, yet are not, this friend has stayed the course, unwilling to accept defeat in any situation. For that I am very, very thankful. Tell me friend, can you name one specific blessing that you have received in 2010 that you can know is directly through the love of God for you? Share it with us all, and share the blessing of radical thanks giving. Let's display His goodness to us, through us, and for us. And then, thank God for the blessings yet to come. They are many. You are His Kid. He is crazy, stupid, nuts in love with you. I am now, and will forever remain, In His Care, Budroe |
| When I was trying to establish a logical tactic for moving from Southern Illinois, I was told not to move because I had homecare, medical care and medicaid in Illinois--and Tennessee did not. According to the information I received from case managers IN Tennessee while visiting, that report seemed valid. It is not valid. I have been awarded the very same services here that I had in Illinois, including MedicAid. This is a sad point to consider as a victory. Yet, it is so much more than a victory to me. I can now have a Doctor, and medical coverage, and prescriptions, and home care, and home health, and vision care, and dental care, and access to the medical system that will (supposedly) support me. I got my notification today in the mail. At 1 PM, the case manager showed up on my doorstep. Three hours later, the information was collected. Friends contacted for that purpose spoke very badly about the Doctor I had been assigned. So, I will attend to that issue directly. On Wednesday (the plan says), I should be meeting my new homecare worker. Meals will either be prepared, or arrive. Doctor appointments can be made. I can hopefully deal with my Dental problem. The victory is that the tools that provided a secure and positive life for me in Illinois IS not only available, but is actually on board. Return to status quo. Overall, I am feeling that very strange feeling you get when you realize you are becoming but are not yet ill. A general malaise has covered my entire body. It is a very strange feeling. It seems to expand outward to my entire environment. Is this SAD, or is there more going on? I know my body. My blood sugar would indicate something going on, and the usual general pain is increased by at least an order of magnitude. When I began this journey in Southern Illinois, I was clearly aware of the objectives and results of success. As I begin this journey in Tennessee, I cannot say the same. It seems nearly impossible to wrap my brain around all the perambulations and geometric possibilities of the care I have been given. Sara does understand, and I want you to know that is a HUGE blessing for me. The question searing my brain is: Where did my brain go? SAD, the weather and a general feeling of BLECK! are surrounding me yet again. From tomorrow to the end of the month, I intend to finish the novel. I have given it a name I don't much care for. I don't know why that's important, but it is. "Return To Turner Falls" is an accurate title. I don't much care for the sound of it, though. It makes me think this would be the (at least) second title in a series. Good thing it's a draft! I am now actively advertising the Annual Advent Adventure, and I do hope all who read these words will choose to participate here . It is set up to be a really awesome adventure through the twenty five days leading up to Christmas. Short studies, conversation and dialogue amongst friends promise a life-changing experience. Well, what can I say? I do thank you for your continued support and friendship. It means so very much. I do remain, In His Care, Budroe |
| It seems there is a virus going around that resembles a particularly unhumorous strain of streptococcus. I have somehow managed to get it--in my face! Seriously. Gums swollen and full of virus, migraine headaches have returned from the point of origin somewhere inside the tumor on the right side of my face. Poor dentition definitely does not help my lower gums, and this bug found it. Fever and pain have sidelined me for a couple of days. Antibiotics and lots of meds have helped, but of course with any infection, the blood sugar goes berserk. It is a non-stop carousel of fun and frivolity that not only affects my physical and mental health, but that of my care giver, Sara as well. I am away from the computer most of the day for the "right now", but will return soon. I have a novel within me that must be completed this month. And, to add to the mix we are having two Thanksgiving celebrations here this month. It's a good thing I have no stress on me, or this entire adventure would just not be possible! Oi! Me: So, Doc, my arm hurts every time I do like this. Doc: So don't do like that! or Doc: Your arm? My shoulder! I've lost two friends from West Frankfort this week. Both are sad and tragic stories. One man, Jim, died leaving a wife who is blind, a stroke victim, and a cancer survivor. The other, Barry, died so very alone that no one even checked on him until he had been gone a week. Both are situations that leave me without appropriate words to say. Given that I spent over 30 years being the Chaplain specializing in those facing the end of life, it is true that I very seldom have nothing to say. But, what do you say to those feeling the loss of these good men? It is so strange being on this journey, sometimes. As I strive to carve out a living life these days, in the midst of all this journey requires, it is surreal watching your friends and acquaintances leaving before you. I feel so very sorry for both of these situations that words simply escape me. They will be missed, and I am grateful to have had the opportunity to know them. Jim was a very giving man, who started a volunteer ministry which provided fishing rods and gear to children called "Hooked on Jesus". Many hundreds of kits went to the kids of Southern Illinois because of his work. Every rod, reel, and lure was prayed over, and blessed before being given to the youngsters. I pray that the ministry will continue. It just seems so appropriate to me. When the entirety of the ministry is comprised of such a simple act of faith and love, it is sure to have eternal effect. Barry was a friend to me, suffering from severe mental illness that was well controlled by meds. Of course, as is the case so often, there were plenty of times when Barry was not on his meds--usually because he could not afford the hundreds of dollars each month required to keep them at his disposal. Those times were often exciting to us, because we never knew exactly how Barry would present himself, but we always knew when he was "off his meds" because he was a screaming hoot, and brought laughter and joy to those he most often would specifically "target" as his victim. He would create, or improvise, or simply sing a song about them that would create havoc for days or weeks, but always in a safe and friendly way. As fate might have it, Jim was often Barry's target. It became an honor to be Barry's "target" when he was "off his meds" for two reasons. First, the songs Barry created and sang (with a very capable baritone voice) were memorably accurate. Secondly, when such was not the case, Barry was extremely quiet and reserved, aloof and keeping to himself. He was the first person I met while moving in. It makes me quite sad to know that he died so very alone. He lived across from me, and I want to believe that, had I been there yet, his passing would have been noticed much sooner. Well, what can I say? Please pray for these good men, both honored military veterans who were living out their lives as best they could. I will remember them both. That's five friends since coming to Tennessee that have moved to Heaven. Distance doesn't help so much, but there is a part of me that understands how lucky I am to be here, especially right now. I'd just hate to have to deal with such loss "locally". Is that selfish of me? Gosh I hope not. But, maybe. The burden of sadness is surely a part of this journey. Strangely, it is a blessing to know that these are losses felt, and shared by an entire community of people who do truly understand the difficulties of living out life with illness and disease. Any sadness shared is cut in half. Any happiness is multiplied. It is a community that shares both well. I'm lucky for that. Don't let those you love breathe twice without knowing you care for them, that you are grateful to know them. It just matters so very much. Thank you all for being those with whom I feel so honored to exist. Father, I believe. Please, Dad. Help me in my unbelief. Help me stay, along with all those who love me, In Your Care, Budroe |
| I've got it. I learned today that I really believe that humans who murder humans are very bad humans. When they murder innocent children, I don't think we have invented the proper punishment for them yet. Really. I've cleared tons of activity from my calendar. For November, it is to give a priority to NaNo, which is not going well at the moment for me. Hopefully, this weekend will be a writing storm, and I will finish the volume. Hopefully. I know the story, but am having trouble with it. The "take away" needs to be clear, yet transparent. That's a bit tough for me, but I'll get it. Keep the faith. It's getting really cold at night here in South-Middle Tennessee. Warmer in the afternoons, but so low on the thermometer at night that I keep dancing with the AC/Heat. Colds come from activities like that. Pray. Hard. We are just not being very nice to one another. Why? Until next we meet, I remain faithfully, In His Care. Budroe |
| Some will agree, some will disagree with me on this. I took a zero today on the writing front. Perspective is important, and it can get cloudy, or clouded over, or completely disappear at times. Writers write every day. Well, most days, anyway. It's a goal, not a benchmark. We need to give ourselves the only break we are liable to get in this work. Measured, limited breaks are not counter-intuitive or counter-productive. When you need food, eat. When you need exercise, get out of the chair. When you need rest...it's okay to rest, too. I am to see the Doctor this week. The expectation is that he will, among other things, increase either the dosage or delivery schedule of Insulin--or both. It seems the more closely I come to living the life of the diabetic, the more uncontrolled the Diabetes becomes. This is a confusing issue for me. Cause and effect usually operate under what should be predictable parameters. Some of the parameters are predictable, taken on their own. Combinations, however seem to break free from the constraints of reason. When the whole no longer resembles the sum of its parts, the entire issue comes into question--again. Personally, this unreasoned result tells me there is something else going on that is effecting the Diabetes that is exclusive of the Diabetes itself. That's what reason and logic tell me. Emotionally, it just stinks. The journey continues. For today, it is a declared holiday from writing, and concerns of most (but not all) other flavors, as well. I read a quote today that made this post possible: "We are NOT retreating! We are just attacking in a different direction!" Perspective is a truly wondrous thing, as I remain In His Care, Budroe |
| The words are evading me. Zoom out to the scene. Clean, white space. Zoom back to the plot. Clarity rears it's ugly head. The pieces are being perfected, edges hones to perfectly fit. All I need is the "triggering" event. There are three different characters/scenarios that will accomplish that task. Doesn't exactly sound like the goal is to write 50,000 words, now does it? No, it doesn't. Why? Because this is a novel of merit, with my name on the cover. Frustration comes from non-flowing words. 10,255 in different pieces of the puzzle, all of which become relevant when the one missing piece falls into my mind and into place. It is like 359 degrees of the circle are complete, with only one missing piece left to fill the circle. The harder I look, the more elusive the one missing piece becomes. I'll work in different areas, do different things. When the piece makes itself visible, the book will pretty much write itself. I'll just take dictation. I'm looking forward to that. In the meantime, I remain In His Care, Budroe |
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