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You have entered my blog. I take no responsibilty for your reaction. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** MY NEW CAR....WELL IF I HAD THE MONEY TO BUY ONE!!! Thanks Thea!!!! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I have decided that color is an emotion.....why you may ask? Well colors seem to relate directly to how we feel. They can bring you down or lift your spirits. Why do you suppose that certain colors attract us.....why do we have a favorite? Haven't you noticed how a certain color brings out the best in some people.......casues them to radiate emotion...wether it be sensual or confident or even mourning. Even insurance companies believe that colors create their own emotion as they believe red is involved in a higher percentage of auto accidents. Does your favorite color protray your thoughts and emotions? Did you know that color of an object is not as it seems? That is right, the funny thing about it is that the color we see is the color reflected from an object. So in essense the color we see is the color the object is not.... Crazy huh? an object obsorbes certain colors and reflects others.....if it does not obsorb blue for instance, the blue is reflected and that is the color we see....so the object is not actually blue.....it is every color but blue. To make a statement true, one would have to say.....I love that car because it is not blue..........and I love blue.. |
| I know there are many views and our heritage tells us stories of our beginnings but I still wonder at times, if we really know what our connection is. Why do we love the feeling of the sun's warm rays as they cause a tingling in our bodies? What is it about a fresh spring morning that bellows up wanting emotions deep inside as we suck the air into our lungs? Why does the babbling brook, roaring river or raging waterfall bring such peace to us? The smell of a forest, fresh snow, burning leaves, budding flowers, cooling water, a cool nights fire crackling its song........all amazing and different. What is our connection, why does each of these things bring a type of euforia to us? I think the indians were correct in believing we are a part of nature and should respect all of our "brothers and sisters" every living thing is connected in some way. We cannot see the umbilicle cord...yet it is there, that is why these things touch and move us so ................we need to respect and honor their existance even if we don't know or understand the connection. |
| There is something different today......I feel it yet do not understand it. Funny how that is. If only I could read these things....is it bad or good? Should I pay attention or not? I am actually quite tired of this whole sensing thing.....what good is it if you have no idea what it means? It only creates uncertainty and mixed feelings. I do not like it. Ever hear of fight or flight? Well that is how I feel.......Do I fight to understand these feelings or run away from them as fast as I can? Well I feel I will never find the steps to understanding so where is the damn door......... Some say there is a switch and one must learn to activate it.....others say hogwash, it is only the imagination running wild. I do have a pretty active imagination...I can vision my thoughts relatively easy......like there is a projector in my head. If only I had the audio out and video out plugs in the back of my head, I could hook up to the tv and download the junk floating around in here....... |
| There was a full moon this morning shinning into my window on my way to work or at least almost full. Besides that it is Friday the 13th.........more importantly, I shaved this morning....perhaps I should have left the 4 day stubble as it would surely go better with the full moon and the date. What does it all really mean? Is the date today a bad thing, an omen? Are warewolves more dangerous on friday the 13th or is any ole full moon just as bad? Problem is, the only thing I can be sure about and give an honest answer to is the fact that I shaved and my face looks much better. Is it possible to have a very bad day today only to be overshadowed in four days.......perhaps spending some time with the Blarney Stone and finding the pot ole gold? Wouldn't it really stink it you knew for sure you were going to get the pot ole gold because some little short green guy presented you with this very authentic looking map, only to get eaten tonite by a chainsaw weilding Warewolf? To top it all off, when the warewolf wakes up Saturday morning with a blood soaked map, he will be rewarded with your pot ole gold! Do you see the irony? It's no wonder I shaved.....It also proves I am not the Warewolf.....doesn't it? Face it, this close to the full moon on Friday the 13th......surely the stubble would not be shaved off so easily if I were on the cusp of changing into a creature. |
| Don't you hate those times in your life when things are not black and white.....not merely a yes or no? The book of life's answers apearantly has not been published as I couldn't find a copy anywhere. I want change or at least the threat of change.....yet I do not know what that change should be. I could solve a mystery or search for truths as I have the type of anylitical mind for it. I could do that with my eyes closed, yet I can't answer my own questions. I have no valid advice for myself. I can pick apart TV shows and movies with ease....I am never ...I mean never surprised as I figure out and predict outcomes ....usually to the dis-liking and dismay of who ever is with me. I think they don't want to know what will happen next. I can't help it, these people are so predictable, they always set up for the next scene. I think that is why I enjoy writing something with a twist and I never "set up" for the end. Hell....sometimes I don't know what the end is going to be until I write it. Problem is, I never know when I am going to write something...there is no set time or warning. What I need is a retreat. Someplace where I can just tone down and relax....take in the beauty around me with no worries.....perhaps a desolate cabin in the woods or a quaint house on the beach, a sailboat (though I have actually never sailed ...always used a motor or rowed) a mountain hike with no time limit. Actually just some un interupted free time would work. I find that I have very little time to myself....perhaps only when I am running and then I am working so hard that I can't think about relaxing. The thought of waking up in the morning with no schedule and knowing that the next day will be the same intrigues me. The "real" vacation I think...... If I had lived an interesting life, I would then have time to write my memoirs. I havn't lived that life though and I have a small spot deep insdie that longs for those kind of memories. I would never trade my life now of course, I have beautiful children and I am very proud of how well they have adapted to this god forsaken place. I am responsible for bringing them here and will stand up to the requirements I have created for myself. Yet....I have some deep desire for something totally different. It haunts me at times and I struggle to contain it. I suppose it would be easier if I knew what it was but it is more like a shadow lurking in the alley, just waiting to jump me but perhaps just a little afraid of my reaction. I am afraid of my possible reaction too. I am afraid of change as bad as I want it. I like schedule I like things to be related to the clock, it is how I run my life. I want things to go smoothly and I refrain from surprise, yet it is surprise that I crave. That is where the impass comes in......I want to be in control of my life and my future. Instead I am coupled with my past and the path I am on. I can't change the past as I have grown roots to my responsibilities. These roots can not be ripped up as they will die. In essense, dreams become unreachable without selfishness. |
| Isn't it strange how actions create re-actions? I read a poem today and I was imediately struck with emotion. It was a woman's view of a sensual meeting. Suddenly I not only understood the other side of the story but almost lived it in my mind as my fingers could not move fast enough to record my vision. I guess this is always the way with me. I have no talent, only little spurts of writing that bubble out un anounced. I didn't plan on writing anything yet it was there. How odd......where is that switch that turns it on and off? She wrote: "Invalid Item"  -- I wrote: "Sensual Rain" |
| If I was smart, where would I be right now? Appearantly and judging by many events through out my life, I have not been too smart. I am reading a book about some of the geniuses of the past and can't believe how smart they were. Where do the thoughts come from? I mean...hey I'm not a totally dumb person, surely not the dullest nail in the bag. Shouldn't I have some important thoughts too? Shouldn't I be able to offer some insightful ideas? What is it about their brains that works so much better than mine? There surely must be an exercise or pill I can take...........perhaps a special massage around the cranial area? OK...i'm working on it....I'll be back. |
My work is clamping down on expenses. This decreped economy is effecting our business and the company has had it's first layoff in 10 years. On top of that they have removed many luxuries for the employees.....cut hours, banned overtime, stopped all spending without extreme scrutiny and approval. This affects me in many ways. My hours are cut by 12......yes I said 12 and in the process of restructuring to cover responsibilities. (I needed the 12 hours to do my job properly), I am cutting down all internet use, among many other things. What that means is I will not continue my upgrade as I will not have the opportunity to blog anyway. That along with the fact that I am not writng right now makes it foolish to spend the money. I will reduce my port to the maximum for basic membership and hopefully not be totally forgotton. Hopefully after a short break, my writing spirit will return along with the economy. Perhaps then I will re-instate my upgrade. Thank-you all ........and you know who you are!!! I will be hanging around and you should hear from me occasionally. Ski-ster (the green lantern) |
| Have you even felt that you were standing off in the shadows while viewing yourself and your own life? Did you like what you saw? Was it acceptable or discouraging? I see myself as a totally different person than what I percieve others are seeing. Is my view distorted by my own brain or do I see a more real truth? I really want to love the person I see and I want to feel respect and contentment about my life so far. I want to sit back in the comfort that I have done many things right and overall have performed my destined function during my tenure here. Instead I question my motives and my actions. I think I radiate smugness when it is not really there because I am not great at sympathy. I can't feel sorry for people who have made certain choices and need to be responsible for them. I can not take a portion of their load through sympathy. Empathy is a different thing all together .... now I have that and it is a strong part of who I am. Problem is I think it doesn't show too well. I think from my upbringing of being totally responsible for my own life at such an early age. I really don't know where I am going with this. As usual I start writing and find out the same time as the reader, what I am eventually going to say. Today I guess it is just a rambling about my feelings of myself. Sometimes I just don't feel to happy with who I have become. The fact that I can't seem to bond on a deep level with others. I am not a follower yet not a leader either. I will step into the shadows and be somewhat undetected. I do not want limelight as I do not know how to handle it. I want to be emotionally attached yet I do not want to be bothered. A loner of sorts I guess. As I walk in a crowd of peers and they are all interacting with the essense and emotion of the complete body of souls, I am just an observer and no one realizes it, they think I am cought up with the core of emotion. They think I feel exactally what they feel.......yet I don't...I feel beside myself as I wonder why I can't let go and be part of the group. I have had many people say that I stick my hand out emotionally only to withdraw it in a premature manner. I leave them wondering and confused. Why do I do that? Am I afraid of them, myself or what could become of the whole thing. It seems that to reach out beyond a certain point....the point of no return.....leaves me feeling vulnerable and responsible at the same time. The safeness and security of my own brain......Why can't I get past that? |
| I was sick a week ago.....some flue type cold thing where your whole body is attacked and death seems like a good alternative. After a week, it has finally given up and gone to torture some other poor soul. One thing though, The cough does not seem to want to give up ....that and the flem. Damn flem just hangs around down there and every once in a while the cough will grab a bit of it and force it out. I know .........not the greatest subject.....but it is driving me crazy! If I could just get the crap out, I think the cough would then go away. I know now how a cat feels.....when they work up that fur ball and send it back out into the real world....I am sure it feels real good. If only I knew how to do that.....yeah if I could work up a fur ball and send that flem packing, I would surely feel much better. Know any cats willing to teach me the procedure? Could the process be that hard? |
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But, honestly, I take the good with the bad, even when it is really bad. Emotions are a huge, huge part of who we are and sometimes holding them back doesn't allow us to truly experience life.
I don't really know what it takes to be a writer but heck, I like to do it and it seems the more I write the more I like what I write. That, I think is the most important thing about being a writer. 