%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 |  this will probably be empty, so don't look |
|
You have entered my blog. I take no responsibilty for your reaction. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** MY NEW CAR....WELL IF I HAD THE MONEY TO BUY ONE!!! Thanks Thea!!!! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
I got up late today. I hate that. It seems to affect everything and the balance is knocked haywire. Funny thing is, it really changed nothing. I have no set time that I am required to be at work. I choose to start at 4 am as I get a lot done before others show up and the phone starts ringing. I enjoy the peace and quiet. So because I set my own time, I really can't be late by most standards. But in my mind it is a huge thing. Now this is beginning to sound huge right? Like I got here so late that I am behind in my work or something. Well I woke up at 3:30 instead of 3:10.....ok 20 minutes late.....I skipped breakfast...(a banana...I know it's not much) ...I didn't shave ... I did a quick washjob instead of a full fledged warm shower (that means a quick soap -n-rinse before the water had a chance to warm up...brrrr) I fired up the truck about 6 minutes later than normal.....I drove a tiny bit faster on the way to work...it usually takes me 23 minutes average....today 19 minutes....I usually arrive 3-6 minutes before 4:00 am and unlock things. Today I arrived at 3:59 am..... So.......I wasn't really late...so why do I feel this way..like I am behind? I shut off the alarm on time, I cleared the phone and talked to the answering service at the some time as normal.....the girl had no idea I was rushing around and running late. No body knows but me....it is my secret. I have a reputation of being early, today my nature allowed me to be late and still be ontime....isn't that weird? The last time I was late, I was 5 minutes early. I figure there is something major wrong with me. Perhaps I was late for some important thing in a past life or something but my whole being shudders when I am running late....something is wrong..I think. It will affect my whole day. Like everyone is skipping forward and I am trying to get in sinc with the right leg. |
| I know it is an odd subject for blogs.......but I just don't get it...When the pyrimids were built, they used huge cuts of rock. the average size was 50 - 100 ton and some of the largest ones were 200 ton. Now I work for a rigging crane company, we are involved in moving equipment that weighs similar to these rock blocks. So we use big jacks and little wheel contraptions along with forklifts to actually move this machinery and we lift them with Gantry cranes or hydraulic cranes. If we took away all of our modern technology, we could not do our job. So how did the egyptians cut three sides of rock including the bottom, pick 200 tons out of the ground and then move them long distances and pick them up to put into place? Now if they found a way to cut this rock, and each man could pick 200 lbs, it would take more than 2000 men just to raise this huge rock 5 or 6 inches off the ground. never mind raising it 10 feet out of a hole. Now even if these rocks were say 30 feet x 30 feet sguare, how would you get 2000 men squeezed into a small area to grab onto ropes and lift? After lifting they have to clear it of the hole, drag it for thousands of feet or miles, pick it up and place it on other rocks to create the structure. What I don't understand is if they actually found a way to do this, why did they make it so hard for themselves? Why would they put in such a massive effort to cut and move one 200,000 lb rock when they could have much easier cut, moved and place ..say twenty 10,000 lb rocks and still built a solid structure? Even when they processed granite for bridges, causeways and other structures back in the 30-60s they cut pieces that were manageable. If had been easier to handle bigger pieces, don't you think they would have done that with the technology we had then? So now it is 2008 and we still don't have an easy way to move things that large. So if a person is smart enough to engineer something as amazing and majestic as the pyramids, don't you think they would have been smart enough to cut the rocks into easily manageable sizes? Wouldn't they do it the easiest way they could? Unless they had a means to handle things that large back then that we don't have now? |
| Today is September 11th......yes a day remembered by many..tomorrow is the 12th which means nothing to most. To me it means one year ago something happened that changed my life. Something that I am not allowed to forget because it still affects me everyday. I am not the same person I was ......slightly defective I guess would be a fair description. People probably wonder, how could one small thing that happened to me be as rememberable as Sept 11th? I spent many nights wondering why.....what was the reason this happened? Where do I put the blame? Then I got thinking, two acorns drop from the tree. They land side by side in the dirt. One starts to grow and the other doesn't. What is the reason for that? Why did one grow and the other just rot away? Was there a person or thing that looked at these two acorns and decide one deserved a chance to survive while the other did not? Perhaps it was the same with my accident. How can one think that there is some worldly reason for it, that is was meant to be, that someday I would wake up and it would all makes sense to me. I am thinking that will not happen. I am thinking that I will just have to continue my path in life reguardless. Somethings just plain happen and situations exist and we are here....that's it. I am not one to complain and I guess I have a strong constitution. I got up 10 feet from where I started, with blood and teeth in my hand, a fuzzzy recolection, a broken jaw (in two places), broken collar bone, broken ribs, cuts and abrasions on my face and arms and walked to the car, went to the hospital and waited for them to fix me. I didn't cry or complain, I didn't ask for special treatment, I didn't get worried when more than one trained nurse and a doctor walked in, saw my condition and left with a strained look on their face. What do you think it means when a person that sees tragedy and broken people everyday is taken back by what they see when they look at me? I often wonder why I had little emotion. I wasn't in shock, I was totally aware, but I wasn't worried. I just let the surgeon decide what was the best thing to do. He did ask if I was in agreement with his course of action. What was I to say? Like I could come up with an intelligent conversation with a broken jaw anyway. He actually did a pretty good job on the outside, the scar is hardly noticable. Most people would not believe it was that messed up. Some people have just stood there staring at me. They didn't realize it I guess. I assume they were trying to see the remnants of the accident. Perhaps they couldn't believe it was that bad as they didn't see me before. perhaps it was really just a little scratch and i blew everthing out of proportion. If only they knew.....if they had to continue with the hidden things like I do...if they could experience a year of unsettled procedures. If they had to repeat words that just did not come out right, if they had to find ways to chew certain foods, if they had to go a year unwilling to smile when the face fights to show it's happy side, perhaps they would understand or perhaps they wouldn't. Half of my lower lip has 50% feeling and I used to hope it would come back...I will have replacement teeth which I used to think would be the same as real teeth, I used to think I would talk completely normal again......but lately, I am admitting to myself that it might not be as perfect as that.... It has been a year, I am scheduled for a bone graph in a couple weeks to build up the bone in my jaw for tooth implants.....perhaps after that and after they put in the teeth...a few months down the road, I will feel closer to 100%, but it will never be the same as it was.......... Reasons and blame.....we all seem to have the need to search for them...In my case one person did a certain thing that caused the 10 lb pin to fly through the air with so much force that it landed 30 feet away after knocking my seemingly weightless body 10 feet. He made one mistake....is he to blame? Some would say yes. I could have had him fired. He did not follow safe procedures, I told him to wait as I accessed the situation but he decided in a split second to put pressure on the piece. That pressure sent it flying through the air and my face was in the way of a meaningless journey. I didn't blame him, or anyone else....my boss wanted a full report, he wanted to know who was at fault...who are we going to make an example of......I told him we are all to blame and I am the living example....make the example of me...show people this is what happens when we are not safe.....don't fire someone and affect his life and family because a mistake happened...... We didn't fire anyone and my report put the blame on the improper procedures of the shop which sends the blame to the head of the department...Me. Yes this one guy made the mistake and made a bad decision. But it was just an accident that's all. |
| I realized last night that I don't like wearing my wallet. It bothers my butt. Not that it is full of money but it is fuller than it used to be. I think as we get older we tend to feel we need more stuff with us. So where as I don't have a pocket book, I tend to stuff more than I need in my wallet. I am sure if I weed out the un- needed stuff it would not bother me so much. Instead, I just take it out and leave it in my lunch box or in the car when I am driving. I have forgotton it a few times and had to run back to the car from the store. The other strange thing is that I usually keep it in my left pocket. What is strange about that is that I am right handed and my research tells me that a right handed person usually puts their wallet in the right pocket. I always kept my comb in my right pocket. That must mean deep down I thought my comb was more important than my wallet as my right hand could get to it quicker. I no longer carry a comb. I am not sure when it was that I stopped. When I was a teenager right up until my early twenties I had very long hair...by long I mean shoulder length. As time passed, I kept getting it cut shorter and shorter. I don't know why I had it long, I hated it to get messed up, I didn't like it blowing in the wind. I was always trying to fix it. As a standing joke my family would walk by and rub their hands through my hair to mess it up....I hated that! Now my hair is so short I no longer need a comb. It has been quite a few years and my old comb just sits up on the cabnet in the bathroom. Every once in a while when I am getting ready, I think I hear a faint wimper. The comb seems so lonely. What I like now is when I get out of the shower, I just rub the towel accross my head and I am done. I love riding in a car with the window down and I have no problem when it is windy out. One new thing I enjoy? I take my hand and rub my head, the hair is too short to mess up....I love that. When I was younger people used to say I should cut my hair short and I would say no way as then I would look like my father.........now people compliment me and I say yeah it reminds me of my father. Funny how our perceptions change. |
| I am worried about yesterdays entry. I feel the blog is in place to create awareness and cause people to discuss matters that normally would be overlooked or shoved into the back of our minds. I failed to spark any valid thought or conversation in that blog. What was wrong? Was it the subject? Is it to difficult for people to grasp as we make similar dicisions like that everyday. My point was that sometimes we are forced to rationalize and side with the best of two evils. We have to feel comfortable with the path we choose and not dwel on the past. Sometimes our lives are not black and white, not an easy outline to follow. Surely this is a step many people here have had to take. I made many choices in my past that haunt me daily.... sometimes hourly...I think about them and labor with the reality of their consiquences. I guess my entry was designed to help create a rational avenue to overcome the hauntings. If only we could return to the moment that changed our lives...that choice we made .....if we could retract the one moment, would everything be ok now? Or would there be many other instances that would now take the forefront. Past choices are no longer a reality unless we keep them alive in our own mind. It was, it happened and it is part of what I am today. I can't change that and neither can anyone else. The only thing I can do is accept me for who I am today and hope others accept me too. I think once we accept ourselves, it causes others to follow suit and our lives will suddenly get better. You have to love yourself before you can allow anyone else in to love you. I can't say I have found a way to love myself completely or to overcome every aspect of my past, but I have come a long way and things are much better. The road is long and sometimes it wigs when I wag. I guess this is the best I can do to explain the thought behind yesterdays entry. |
| I used to think there was a fine line between right and wrong, good and bad, love and hate.......but I realized something, there is no fine line. It is not black and white. There is a huge gap between all of those things that seem opposite. That gap creates a large gray area. It is in this gray area that most of us spend our lives. Everything is relative. Relative to something else. It is wrong to steal but if you had to steal an important document and it was the only way you could save the lives of thousands of people, wouldn't you have to do it? If you had to lie and maybe kill someone in the process, at what point would it be OK to do? Is there a guide line? Like if it was to save 10 thousand people and you had to kill only one, that would be ok.....but what if you only saved 20 people? What if you were only saving one person but it was your loved one and the one you had to kill had done horrible things to others? When things are relative, the gray area is almost undefinable. We do it everyday. We support our choices and decisions by comparing them to outcome or substance. If we try hard enough, we can support any and all of our actions. So the decision to judge our actions is left up to others. If we break the law and are found guilty we are punished. Others could break the same law be judged by the same people but get no punishment as their defense shows a relative reason to excuse them for their actions. Even our laws leave a loophold for such things. Our law states it is illegal to take anothers life.....but if they do something deemed bad enough to a jury they could get the death penalty. Our own law decided to do the very thing we say is wrong and illegal. Our religions preach that killing is forbidden no matter what...there is no excuse...so if a judge follows the law that trained him and issues a death for a criminal, how is he judged according to religion? Is he damned forever? He was doing his rightful job according to our own laws. My point is that we have to decided in our own mind what guides our own lives. We then have to live that guideline to the best of our ability....isn't that all we can do? On the other side of the coin, if you we told by some higher power that a person was suposed to die and when the time came you had the means to save their life, would you let the event happen or would you instinctively try to save the persons life? What if you were only 95% sure the infomation given to you was valid, would you then save their life? at what point would you change your mind? 90%,80%,50%? So, a mentally ill person hears a vioce in his head that tells him to kill someone, he believes with all his heart that the voice is a legitimate. He is 100% sure he was contacted by God. He kills because he belives he was supposed to. Should he be punished by the death penalty? Does he have a good enough excuse? How would that compare to your own thoughts? You believe you know what is right. How have you come to that decision? Did someone else tell you? Did you hear it from your parents or from church? Don't we all have that little voice in our head guiding us? When is it OK to listen? How do we decide when it is true or not? Something to think about huh? |
| I was complaining the other day about politics. Someone (I won't name any names Sam) told me to get off my Duff and do something about it. Wow! It is true, if it means that much to me I should do something. (by the way, Duff is new term to me. I would have used a stronger word) The comment hit me.....it is true I do nothing, nothing at all. I have a thousand excuses but it melts down to me not wanting to put in the effort, not wanting to be involed. It is a fault I must admit to. I can talk subjects to death and do nothing to change it. I have no right to put down anyone who has the drive to get off their ass and do something to help this country. I am ready to admit I am not that person. I do not posses the things I would need to do what these politicians do, I am not capable. I have a flaw and I just can't do it. That is a new thing for me to say or admit to. I usually maintain I can do anything if I put in enough effort. I don't have what it takes to do this....I just don't...I feel selfish saying I don't want to....I am sorry, I am not the person I protray muself to be. It is dishonest in a way almost hipocritical. ......Ski hangs head and walks away slowly...perhaps a small tear is forming, he has no tissue.............then goes and sits on his duff whimpering and hiding his face from the world. |
| Isn't it human nature to huddle together? We need other people in our life to support us. I guess we have clan instincts. It seems the sanctuary of knowing there are others who believe in us is so important. Everything we do evolves around the clan. If you are with the "in" group they are your support or clan, if not well the outcasts are your clan. We come to WDC and there are clans here. We seemingly could not survive with out others to wallow with. The government has specific clans too. each group feels they are right in their thinking and act accordingly. Do you think it is too much to ask for us to have unity? I do not think it is realistic because our history shows it has been imposible up till now. If we all found out our true future and realized it to be the truth, would we finally band together and become "the clan of the earth" or would we still fight and bicker with each other until the end of the world as we know it? We are so self centered and somehow we fail to admit it. We want everything to go our way and we want the best for us and our families. Very few of us (including myself) do anything other than talk, about the world and the problems we face. We live our tiny little lifes with our tiny little friends and expect others to do the big work. Things like run the country, grow our foods, provide the products we feel we can't live without. Sure we work, earn money and purchase these things. Somehow that gives us the right to expect evrything to be done for us. I complain about the goverment, I talk with my friends about the world problems, I hate the feeling I get when we discuss the many problems out there. Some things are true, others are false. How do we know the difference? I talk, I complain, but I don't do anything.....so how can I justify my complaints? How do we know what is true and what is not? We become concerned about Glogal warming......is there global warming? How do we base our views on that subject? We listen to others and we decide who we believe. Isn't is strange that there is not one answer? No one agrees, so who is telling the truth? A few scientists say the ice caps up north are melting with vengence and that prooves global warming.....others counter that the ice caps in the south are growing and forming more ice than we are loosing in the north. So is it merely evolution of the planet as it's orbit changes? The Democrat say's he is thinking of our best interest and his views are right so we should elect him......but he is a very rich person who does not understand a normal life...shaded in a way. He thinks we should leave the rest of the world alone to fight amongst themseves.....it is not our problem. The Republican say's the Democrat is all wrong, of course he is a rich dude too so does he have his thumb on the real pulse of us normal people? He thinks we need to be involed in policing the rest of the world and damn well better be paying attention before we end up getting blindsided. They are so detirmined to fight each other and prove the other wrong that they will blindly lead us in to our demise. The world is changing. China, Russia, Iran, these are very rich countries now. China alone has it's hands clasped around our throat as it owns so much of our paper (the credit industry) Russia has money flowing in by the bucket full, has no good intentions and is jumping into bed with all kinds of undesirables. They sell whatever weapons and technology they have to any little country with oil money. It seems that these countries are banding together as allies against us.....makes me think that the Democrats are the scariest bunch as they want us to be nice on the playground and don't realize that the other "kids" are scheming behind our back. Yesterday two american fighters intecepted a Russian Mig over the air space of New Hampshire. How can that happen? How could it get there undetected? Well it seems they have an electrical field...yes a cloaking devise....Oh we have one too.....What does this mean? Well I think it tells us that we have to be sitting on the playground with our eyes open. We can't assume everyone is playing nice...can we? It seems it is time for us to swallow our internal pride between the left and right...we need to get the clan together and guard ourselves from the outside. If not, we will no longer be free. I believe this to be true. There is talk of a major change in the world as we know it in 2012...a mere four years away. Others say it will be in seven years. They read scripture and interpit the words. The conclusions they come to are all close to the same.....world war three................all because the "earth clan" can not get along. They can not seem to share the playground......What can we do? How can we decide what is true and what is fabricated by others to convince us of their view? There is propaganda everywhere. the US is no different than the others we have it too. We are given a shaded view to hopefully convince us of one thing or another. I want the truth. Is there anyone out there that really knows the truth? |
| At what point are we responsible for our short comings? Do we really steer our own life or is there a path already in place? A path laid out for us and when ever we veer off, we are somehow grabbed and slammed right back on the path we are heading. If this it true, how do we distinguish between the two, the right path and the wrong path......wouldn't it be much easier if they just gave us a big map? Then we would know and not waste our time going the wrong way. How are we to know which way is wrong? Can we trust the people around us or do we have to find a way to receive the answers inside ourselves? I think the answers are in each and every one of us, I just don't know how to reach them. We surely should not trust whatever someone else tells us as we do not know if they are on their right path.....Hmmmnn......something to ponder.......If a seemingly smart person who apears to know all the right answers and convinces us to believe them, is themselves completely wrong.....whose fault is it if we listen to them and make the wrong decisions? Doesn't it seem a little unfair that we have to be responsible even though there is no guidance sheet available to us? I think it boils down to the fact that we have to trust and believe in ourselves first....then perhaps the answers will come. |
| I wish I was at a cross road in my life. To be able to pick a new direction and the excitement/anxiety that goes with it. Like the first time I flew in a plane. The new feelings I experienced. I felt like a kid as I experienced the ground give up it’s grip on the plane and I the weightless took over. Suddenly I was free because the earth no longer had a grip on me. The first time I drove on my new license at 15 years old. I left the house and once the house had disappeared from the rearview mirror, I owned my soul. Technically I was on my own. Even though people knew my where a bouts they didn’t know EXACTLY where I was. So the feeling radiated a heavy sense of freedom. The first kiss with the soft lips of a girl. At the time I didn’t think past the attraction. Did we have anything in common? Sure, we were both teenagers. We didn’t care about love or life or jobs or future. Just that exact moment when a shiver ran up my spine and my gut was all knots. love and hate was all wrapped together like the red and white of a candy cane. It was exciting and I wanted more. When my first born appeared and the doctor handed her to me. She was so small and I worried about hurting her. I was scared and excited to be holding my on flesh and blood. I whispered, “Hi Amanda, I am your dad.” They brought a stainless bowl full of warm water and I laid her in it and rinsed all the birth liquid from her soft wrinkled body. There was a bond as we stared at each other (OK, I did most of the staring) She didn’t cry at all, she seemed quite content with my hands wrapped around her. It felt great to think she trusted me already. After that experience, I did the same with the rest of the kids and had the same feelings all over again. I miss those feelings. I haven’t had them in a while. I guess it is time to get excited about something again. It can’t be too late can it? There must be a way to create these wonderful experiences without drastically changing my life? Where has my wonder gone? The newness and surprise not knowing what feeling will jump up next. The times when excited, anxious, worry, scared, happy and apprehensive can be said in the same sentence. Is it only for youth? Can’t I still have those experiences? So where are they? |
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
But, honestly, I take the good with the bad, even when it is really bad. Emotions are a huge, huge part of who we are and sometimes holding them back doesn't allow us to truly experience life.
I don't really know what it takes to be a writer but heck, I like to do it and it seems the more I write the more I like what I write. That, I think is the most important thing about being a writer. 