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You have entered my blog. I take no responsibilty for your reaction. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** MY NEW CAR....WELL IF I HAD THE MONEY TO BUY ONE!!! Thanks Thea!!!! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I read a bunch of blogs and a few stories today before I wrote this. I am amazed how people can be so unselfish. they continually do good things for people and sometimes at their own expense. I read blogs and stories about love, heartache, wanting and wishing. Then I sat back and thought of my own life, my own selfish complaints.....I feel embarrassed as I have many things going for me yet...I still complain and wish for more. Perhaps I am a bit spoiled and the more I get just causes me to want more. I remember when I was in my 20s.....damn did I struggle. Money was a luxury and times were tough. I was making $107.00 a week......now I make 10 times that but I am not ten times happier... why is that? Shouldn't I be happier? Well it seems no matter how much money you make, no matter how secure you think you might be, the problems are the same...nothing changes, you still worry about life and money. You still struggle to make life go the right path. Money is no answer and niether is a good family and good surrounding because the world is the same. Small money problems from the youth become large money problems....you make more thus you spend more....love problems never seem to change reguardless of how long you have been on this earth. The world is still just as tough now as it was 30 years ago.....maybe tougher...difference is now I am so entagled in things that I can't just pack up and leave like I could have 30 years ago. Not that I am having any problems out of the ordinary, more like I realized that my dream 30 years ago of doing well and solving all my lifes problems was just that .....a dream....you can't solve all your problems then live happily ever after.......you have to accept what you have right now at this moment...accept and enjoy your life today...because today is the memory of happily ever after. I say this because I read some stories and blogs of some younger (an older too) people and they think like I used to think.....they dream of those better days. I suspect and worry that they are missing the great memories of life.....that they will wake up someday and wonder why they didn't take time to enjoy "the good ole days" Today...right now...this moment, is the good ole days. |
| Sometimes I am at a loss for words. I sit down as my brain overflows with thoughts and feelings but nothing manifests to the tip of my fingers. If I wrote about my internal thoughts, it would surely be a sight. A never ending pile of unfinished sentences and lone words. How much junk can one read before giving up and moving on to a more sane blog? I assure you there is some meaning but how do you interpet it? A leave falls to the ground and is merely one leave. Dozens more begin to fall, they swirl and flip around as if tied to a string in the wind. The fall colors seem bright as the sun reflects it's brightness at all angles allowing spurts of radiant warmth to land on your face. The seemingly random event suddenly becomes a graceful ballet. The brain percieves the wonder and beauty as a moment in time that could easily be painted and displayed on the living room wall. A person walking into the room does not see just one leave amonst many other "one leaves" they see a complete picture with depth and meaning. They marvel at the painter's vision and ability to transfer this wonderful image and display it for all who enters to enjoy. They do not have to ask what it is or represents, their brain immediately understands and appreciates the vision. I feel that someday my thoughts will be brought into one picture on the wall and when viewed it will finally make sense. People will no longer wonder where this man is coming from or where his thoughts are going. It will be known and understood just as easily as the fall scene is immediatly meaningful. I suppose that is what writing really is, channeling what some consider random thoughts into one single pile of words. When this pile is viewed as a whole, an image materializes and the reader is in awe of the beauty they find before them. I want that beauty, that imortality, I need people to suddenly get a bright look in their eyes as they read my pile of random thoughts. The look that radiates understanding and pleasure painted across their face with bright colors and acceptance. My words are as simple as rain drops resting on the leaf of a tree or morning dew hi-lighting the individual threads of a spiders web, there is more there than meets the eye. Someday the dots will be connected and everything will fall into place. |
| I am heading to the mountains this weekend. Yup going to the camp at Rangeley lake.....I wish I owned this quaint log cabin and could go when ever I want. But I guess I can't compain as we have been picked in the lottery 4 times now and at least once a year. I am quite excited and I hope it snows like it did last year. When we got there, the first night it snowed 10 fluffy inches and we went snowshoeing on the lake....got all cold and then came back and sat by the fireplace enjoying the radiant heat and flickering light....out the window the snow flakes were meandering toward the ground as if they were in no hurry and didn't really care where they ended up.........The next morning I had to shovel my way to the truck,,,,,,,,it was great. I could live in a place like that....if only......Yeah, if only |
| I find myself soul searching. Everyone around me is talking about newyears resolutions and what changes they need to make. Starting a new life, new direction.....they are so excited about the change....the new President, the new year, NEW...WONDERFUL.....CHANGE...... Aren't these just words? Isn't meaning derived from action? I think change is within us not outside us.....people are talking about external change....how they will change what others see when looking at them. Is this really change or just a "new coat"? It is all physical. "I want to lose weight", "I want a new job", "I want more money". "I want to find my soul mate get married and have children" All good things but only physical changes. Does that really change who you are inside? It seems to me that if you take a good look at who you are inside and strive to make that person better....then good things will come to you. That doesn't mean you will lose 150 lbs and have the opposite sex crawl all over your body hoping to gain your attention. Though that is a fun thought and one I have dreamt about too, the mere act will not make your life happy. It has been well documented that many sudden millionairs have gone broke in just months, many huge weight losers have lost their way.....become a different and less caring person as they now think in a physical manner or merely gain the weight right back. This is because they have not changed inside....they are the same person with a different "coat" The coat acts as a cloaking devise that tricks others and shows a mirror image of a change that is not true. As a rose buds, it looks like a simple pod of similar color to the stem. Inside it is a beautiful thing but one we can not see. As it begins grow inside it becomes so beautiful that it can no longer contain the wonder it is creating. It begins to bloom, it actually turns itself inside out and shows the world it's inner beauty and color. It was always there....we just couldn't see it. It eventually dies and withers away but not it's essence. In our minds, the beauty lives on forever as we can see and appreciate all it gave us. We will never forget it as the image stays imbedded. Isn't that what we should be striving for? Isn't that the NewYears resolution? I want to be so good and wonderful inside that the radiance can no longer be contained and I have no choice but to bloom and show everyone how wonderful I am. I want my image to be embedded in their minds forever. It is a sense of imortality and hopefully just the image will makes others lives happier and perhaps they will start changing their views and capitalize on their inside. That is my newyears resolution.......just to be the best me I can and hopefully that me will be good and help, others feel good too. Maybe if I feel good then I will lose a couple pounds and find a few extra bucks or at least appreciate what I have right now. |
| I came across this quote today and thought I would share it: ~LIFE IS NOT MEASURED BY THE NUMBER OF BREATHS YOU TAKE, BUT BY THE MOMENTS THAT TAKE YOUR BREATH AWAY. Happy New Year!!! |
| Today is the last of 2008. Usually the new year comes and it means little overall to me except to keep reminding myself to write the proper date. On the last day of each I know I am going out to eat with my brother and his wife, have a couple drinks, watch the ball fall, go to bed and just wake up the next. Really just another day. This year feels different. I can sense the end of today as some type of meaning. Oh, I will still go out to eat, have a couple drinks, watch the ball drop........but tomorrow girates a different feel this time. I don't know why but I think this is surely going to be a different year. OK, so here is proof: I just received a call from a cousin whom I used to spend a lot of time with when I was young. In the last 10 years or so I have only seen him and his wife 3 or 4 times and 3 of those were a funeral. Out of the blue he invites my wife and I out to a hotel where they have rooms reserved. There is a band or something playing too. How odd is that? We do already have plans with my brother but what prompted the call? Why would they suddenly think of us? Are we the last of a line of phone calls or did they pull us out of the blue? I wonder how many others he has called? This is surely going to be a different year. |
| I'm not sure I like Christmas all that much anymore. I had trouble finding the spirit this year and without spirit it is just a big commercial event. The stores want your money and will what ever it takes to get it. I didn't see one person caroling, had very few people say Merry Christmas, not many smiles at all. Even in traffic, I would let a car out and two or three would try to force their way out too. If not for the happy faces of my (grown up) kids and the grandkids Christmas morning, I would have rather skipped this holiday completely. I fear it has lost it's meaning as people are not allowed to say Merry Christmas anymore...they now have to say happy holidays..... Our heritage is translucent and in danger of disappearing. The trickle down affect of Christmas being banned from schools, people not being allowed to celibrate at the work place, combined with tough economic times has crippled the core of our spritual being. I find myself searching for one of the old movies like Miracle of 34th street to try and find a way to bring back that old good feeling. It helped some but I still felt lost. At a time when we should and need to be working together, when the Earth's very existance depends on us paying attention to our actions, we instead are fighting amongst ourselves and disreguarding the big picture. We have elected a new president in the US, this one preaches change while his party reeks the same old policies. Our whole political system is more about who can get what without being responsible for the repurcussions. How much they can drain our rescources for their own gain. What has our system come to when we think we can sell a senate seat to the highest bidder or use our power to position our own agenda. Why should private business expect the government to bail them out because of their own bad judgement? Hey I have made some pretty bad financial decisions in my life, who is responsible? Me of course. What a crazy mess! My own state has overspent and now they want to cut jobs and dip into "the rainy day fund" which is money that was collected in good faith for special purposes.......now it will be spent to help the state from going bankrupt just as the social security funds were "borrowed" and never paid back. I for am one am pretty tired of working my butt off to finance all thes top officials and buy them second, third or forth houses....I can hardly pay for one. Many of us who cannot afford to buy a new car have been roped into paying our tax dollars to help give the car industries top execs a bonus.....a bonus for bad behavior! The money would have more benefitial if given to us so we could buy a new car then the car companies would have an influx of new money while at the same time selling their product, which depletes the stock so they have to keep the workers going to fabricate new product. That is the circle of life as far as finances go. That is the answer but it won't happen because the politicians are beholding to the people that financed their campains and positions. The have "favors" to repay and that money will come from our own pockets. OK....I guess I am done ranting...... |
| HAHAHA.....you are all worrried right? You think I am not blogging anymore and how will you continue in life without it? Well don't worry. It is more like a prelude to catch the reader. I am not quiting, it is just that my computor at home still has trouble with this site. It does not let me log on to my account. I can go on the site but not my account...kinda strange. Someday I will have time to figure it out. I checked everything I could think of ....even the date and time...but to no avail. Anyway, what I meant is I may not be on for the Christmas holidays as I will be out of work until monday. Merry Chrismas to all of you........You notice I didn't say happy holidays ...that is because I still have tradition and the politicians of this world will not change that. I think I have at least three avid readers.....to you special people...thanks for being my friend, Thanks for listening to my crap, thanks for being here when I need a friend.....I wish you all find happiness this Christmas. That is my Christmas wish.....just be happy. |
| I read a story the other day by a very talented writer. The content, though vivid and exciting, doesn't matter so much as the frame of mind it put me into. The essence of the story revolved around a raw attraction that may or may not have been healthy. By that I mean when one is drawn to another almost uncontrollably, it doesn't necessarily mean it is a match that is meant to be. Not that it can't be "the one" but it seems it rarely is. What is the driving force behind the attraction? Why do we feel on the verge of losing all self control with merely a look from across the room? I wonder how often this has happened to others and how things turned out? It happened to me and I don't think I ever got over it. When I was a freshman in high school, Elizabeth was a Junior or perhaps a senior...but anyway a couple years older than me. It was near the end of the school year. I am not sure why I hadn't noticed her before. She was working at the front desk near the office area. I don't really know what her function was....I suppose to answer questions and give general information. The first time we met eyes, I felt weak. I was drawn to her and couldn't seem to understand it. The first couple times I dropped my head down to break the eye contact because I was scared. Not sure what I was actually scared of, perhaps that she was older and I had no right to be attracted. I assumed it was a one sided thing. One day I was sent to the office to get something or drop something off and she was there. She motioned me behind the counter and began a conversation. Her eyes seemed to look right into my soul and I felt she knew things about me like she was reading my mind. She was wearing a Mauve colored blouse That seemed to drape across her breast and allow a vision in my mind of their size and texture, fairly tight jeans that seemed to show only the exciting highlights. It was a soft sensual look that has been burned in my brain ever since. I can close my eyes and almost reach out and touch it...as it seems so real still. I was leaning on the counter on my elbows and she leaned beside me but put her elbow over mine. This allowed her breast to touch my arm. Spikes of some type of adrenaline ran like a raging river through my veins. She locked eyes with me and I couldn't turn away. I felt froze in time as she whispered to me "I can show you things you have never imagined!" I was intimidated and embarrassed. I was still a virgin but acted like I wasn't. I was caught off guard and instead of letting things progress (which is what I wanted in my soul) I laughed out loud and told her to stuff it, there was no way she could teach me anything and besides I wasn't interested. What was I thinking? This was a crazy sensual woman begging me to join her. I think she knew the truth as she didn't give up on me. It was like the movies.....I would notice her walking toward me in the hallway and time would slow right down, I could see her voluptuous body moving in ways that my mind could relate to. Parts of her were moving and bouncing as her eyes were locked onto mine sucking the strength out of me. Once we passed I could not stop myself from turning and studying her body movements as she walked away. Almost as if an invisible cord was pulling my head around. Sometimes she would turn her head and catch me looking, it made me feel like I was stealing something from her that I didn't deserve. I felt she surely could read my inner desires and she was in complete control of my emotions. This went on for about a month and I was going nuts.....I couldn't flush her from my mine but also was not strong enough to ask her out. As I think back I realize how foolish that sounds. She was surely undressing me with her eyes so I do not think she would have turned me down...a sure thing I suppose. What was I thinking? I can only assume my inexperience was embarrassing enough to hold me back. The year end came and school was over. I never had the chance to make a move or perhaps that was my excuse at the time. We apparently were in different circles as I didn't cross paths with her all summer vacation and by the time I started school in the fall, I was not only with somebody else, but she was pregnant and I was struggling to stay in school.....that is a story for another day though. Because of this turn of events, I didn't have any interaction with Elizabeth. I am not sure if it was because she didn't care or I didn't notice but I don't remember seeing her or talking to her. I suppose she might have graduated. I ended up leaving school and getting married, so it seemed that that part of my life was in the past. One year later and I am a divorced dad. I managed to pass a high school test and get my diploma. I was walking into a store and met face to face with Elizabeth. I near melted right on the spot. her eyes wrapped her essence around my soul and started pumping...I could hardly contain myself but did manage to set a time for me to pick her up.. I pulled into her parents yard. I was driving a large convertible with the top down. It was a warm star lit night. When she stepped out the door and came down the walkway, I felt a burning fire inside me licking at my skin and screaming to get out. She was wearing a puffy Cashmere sweater that seemed to be asking me to not only touch it but rip it right off with one quick movement. I was sure there was only soft voluptuous skin underneath with nothing else in my way. I found out later that I was right. We went to a soft lit bar and had a drink. I have no idea what we ordered or even what we talked about. But we left there and somehow ended up in an old gravel pit......I will leave the particulars to your vivid imagination as this blog is probably not the place for such descriptions. I took her home and again, no real memory of our discussions or what the next move, if any, was. Perhaps this is the key, we had a sensual attraction, our bodies seemed to thrive and go out of control the closer we got but there seemed to be no small talk, no intellectual connection or at least not as memerable as the raw sensualism. I wanted to call her many times but didn't have her number and didn't know what I would say if I did call her. We lost touch and I didn't see her again until years later at The Clam Festival. This was a local event that attracted thousands of people and lasted through the weekend. It took place the same time every year in July. I was walking down the side walk heading for the ride area. I was with a girlfriend at the time. I noticed her two or three blocks away walking toward me. How she stood out in a crowd of hundreds walking to and from the Festival, I do not know, but there she was and she was staring right at me. It seemed as there were only two people in the world at that moment. I could feel her essence penetrating me and it became stronger as we got closer. She was wearing very short dungaree shorts and a blue T-shirt with some type of design on it. I really don't remember the design as my eyes were drawn directly to her braless breast moving to the beat of her swaying hips as she walked. We locked eyes and said hi to each other as we passed. She caught me looking back and so did my girlfriend. I was so disappointed. I wished so much that I was unattached. I didn't see her again until the festival the next summer. I made sure I went alone and my plan was to cross paths with her. It seems to be stupid though, as I actually thought in a crowd of close to 200,000 I would meet up with her. As fate can usually slap a person silly, I did meet up with her. I was walking down the sidewalk, thinking of her and how she made me feel, I looked up as a motorcycle slowly came by. Behind the driver, with her hair fluttering in the warm wind was Elizabeth. Her eyes touched me all over, I think I felt a shutter through out my body when we locked on each other. I wanted to reach out and touch her as they went by. This time she turned her head and watched me as her date continued down the road.I am sure he never knew. She continued staring back until they were far away and out of site. How ironic life is to flop the situation. I was alone but now she was involved.....I went home as I was no longer in a festive mood. I fell in love and got married. During the next 20 years, I thought of her often but kept her special memory to myself. It never faded and was as strong a vision as the first day we met. I think I even fantasized a few times as the years went by. last year while Christmas shopping I saw her. My wife and I were in Target. We were in the woman’s clothing and I noticed a woman about 300 feet away in the children’s section. Our eyes met and the feeling overwhelmed me. I couldn't quite recognize the person but my body told me it was her. It was exciting yet sad at the same time. thirty four years since the first contact, the feeling was the same, just as powerful, just as unsettling. I could tell she recognized me and tried to find a way to get closer, to talk to her without my wife knowing. My wife and I started walking her way. Her and what I assume was her teenage daughter started walking our way. It was inevitable in my mind that we would meet. What would I say? What type of questions would my wife have? Would she notice my flushed appearance? My legs felt like rubber and I think I was starting to sweat. We met almost face to face, I lost my breath for a moment as she looked me in the eyes and then darted left to avoid me. I couldn't help but notice her hard red nipples pushing against her bra and white satin blouse as we passed. This convinced me she did remember, It suddenly hit me......she felt the same as me! We didn't say a word. I looked back, she didn't. Perhaps she was a little self concious about her nipples I thought of this meeting the other day as I read the story about infatuation. I realized we both had this uncontrollable desire. Something burning inside, a flame that never quite goes out. I can image her writing a story like the one I read. I can vision her wishing I had reached out and touched her. One subtle gesture to entice a roaring fire to the point of raging and out of control. I went to Target this Christmas season.........would fate bring us together again? Would I wimp out again and refuse to talk? I was actually a little afraid of running into her......but it didn't happen, I didn't see her. |
| How many of you can say that you literally wanted two front teeth for Christmas? Not many I suspect. I not only want my two front teeth but 8 others to go with it. You see over a year ago I had an accident and lost many of my teeth. It has been a long road since then and honestly, when it happened and they said I could get implants to replace them, I visioned a couple of months suffering and then this majestic set of teeth protruding from my gums. I guess I did not understand the magnitude of the damage along with the time requirement to repair. My first problem after 3 or so months was that the surgeon backed out on me, so it was like starting over. Then the dentist I was working with quit......so I had to start over again.The second surgeon got cold feet, the third finally did the work. I was beginning to wonder how bad it really was.....did nobody have the desire and experience to handle this...it honestly didn't seem that bad to me. I was surviving on the few remainning teeth I had left along with four bottom and one top front left behind to help me chew until the time comes to put in the implants. So, technically I have one front tooth but it will be removed to make way for a new one. The four bottom ones that were "stuck" back in by the emergency plastic surgeon, are miss placed and crooked so they will be pulling those too. I had to have bone removed from my hip to be graphed to my jaw.....that took place 2 months ago. Now I received a call that the "flapper" is ready. What they do is pull the rest of the teeth and screw this flapper in (which is really just a fancy term for bridge) this is two plates, an upper and lower that looks like teeth that are left in place while the bases to the implants are allowed to heal. They are placed in the jaw bone and they have to heal before the actuall teeth and by mounted on the base. It take months for bone to heal so the "flapper" (false teeth) is a temporary solution. They called yesterday to say my "flapper" was ready.......so if I schedule it, I could have my two front teeth for Christmas..... I think I am going to opt for the week after Christmas though...something about a sore jaw while trying to get shopping done, eating Christmas dinner and just enjoying conversation with my family with out pain. I guess I should be glad I am alive but honestly this whole jaw thing has been a real drag............Over a year later and I still can't make sense of my situation.....what wordly reason is behind it or was it just something that happened ...no reason....no lesson.....just too bad for me. The plastic surgeon called me superman......I guess because I stood up off the floor and walked to the car, got a ride to the hospital, had emergency surgery, went to the intensive care unit and then went home.....the hospital kept syaing "no one has ever gone strait home from intensive care" well I felt OK considering and I wanted to get the hell out of that hospital......what a poorly managed system. Well I convinced them to let me go......I had a broken jaw in two places, a broken collar bone, two cracked ribs and some pretty sore muscles. I couldn't talk too well with the jaw wired......but I was no superman, I just wanted to go home ......sometimes you just want to be home and away from all that crap.....today, I am at work and I would rather be at home....I am tired of coming here and dealing with the imperfections of the management. No, not superman.....just a guy that has had enough. No I don't complain but that doesn't mean I am not in pain or discouraged with things...I just don't show it......I don't think there is anything super about that. Everyone else including my family think it is business as usual, but actually it is just adapt and do the best I can, I won't wast time by complaining about it. |
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But, honestly, I take the good with the bad, even when it is really bad. Emotions are a huge, huge part of who we are and sometimes holding them back doesn't allow us to truly experience life.
I don't really know what it takes to be a writer but heck, I like to do it and it seems the more I write the more I like what I write. That, I think is the most important thing about being a writer. 