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Because I usually am in Vino ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** In 2009, I gave up my studies as a medievalist and musician, left my home, my family, my life and moved to Provence in southern France for a guy. In 2012, I moved away from him to study wine. Today, I'm a vagabond sommelier working in Paris at one of the oldest and most famous restaurants in the world, struggling to find some purpose to what I deem the rest of my life. I'm still married and after 8 10 years, I'm still trying to fit-in with French life and culture and to understand why the French are the way they are. Because they're weird in a different way that I think Americans are weird. Perhaps it's me who's weird. |
| I wanted to go to the post office today to send my keys to a friend so that he can take a look at my apartment in Paris, but the line was soooooooooooooooo long outside that I would still be standing there by the time they closed at 17h. Instead, I'm going first thing in the morning tomorrow when they open at 8h30. I might not be first in the door but here's hoping I won't be waiting two hours. My new glasses should also be ready tomorrow. I am very excited about that. Haven't done much else today. I cleaned the kitchen and the shower and my office. The shower was a big one because I hate cleaning the shower. Between two hairy people, one with A LOT of crazy body care products, and two cats who like to sit in the shower, it gets pretty disgusting very fast. I clean it with my pants off. My husband thinks I'm weird, and maybe it is, but I've always felt that wearing pants while cleaning the shower is uncomfortable. So I'll get in there with just a tank top and underwear. Sometimes I just do it naked and take a shower right after. Because if I'm going to get all dirty cleaning the shower, I might as well clean everything. I did yoga and went running and then went to the post office. Well, tried to go to the post office, which ended up me just wandering around town for an hour. Running is still extremely painful and slow, though today I'm less sore and was able to do a very slow 9km. I'm taking tomorrow off and hopefully I can do 10K on Friday. Oh and my husband and I ordered food to be delivered from Picard - king of frozen foods. I suppose that for some people that's a productive day, but I feel very tired and like I'm going to be unable to accomplish anything else. I am going to try to study and to write. Mostly, I want to go upstairs and lay down. Maybe I'll write in my paper journal. Often, I find myself drifting off and staring out into space thinking about nothing. It happened just while writing this paragraph. |
| Lockdown ended yesterday. And what did I do? I spent the day sleeping. I went running Sunday afternoon, despite confinement restrictions still officially in place because if I had to look at my elliptical machine one more time I would have vomited. But it was rainy and weird out and since I hadn't been running in two months, it meant my body was unprepared for it. And this Monday I could barely move. When I wasn't sleeping I was playing the Sims. That was my entire day. That's alright though. Everyone deserves one day of total blech and I was fairly productive last week. Relaxing and recovering one day is not going to be the end of the world. I can go running today. Which I will, in an hour. I am also going to put on my mask like a responsible citizen and try to get new glasses. Because I'm tired of everything being just out of focus. Monday I worked on my story for the short shots contest. I think I finally found the story in all the exposition. But when I laid down last night and thought about it, I wondered, is it too cliché? And the answer is yes. Probably. Very Cliché. And that makes me sad. But it's only the first draft, and it's not done yet, so maybe I can pull something less cliché out of it later. My husband and I were watching Le Quotidien yesterday on TV - it's kind of like a French version of the Daily Show (though not quite as racy) and they had a French comedian on who was just not funny. At all. French comedians aren't funny. The French aren't funny. In fact, I don't mind saying that their sense of humor is wrong. As simple as that. It's wrong. What they think is funny is either outdated, racist, usually both, or is very mistimed over the top slapstick. Exaggerated facial expressions, bad sarcasm and irony. It's just wrong. The newscasters were cracking up as this woman's jokes. I just wanted it to be over. It was so painful to sit through. At one point the host (who I do find humorous, way more than most French comedians) asked her what she was going to do on the first day lockdown ended. She said "Je vais faire mon pipi." Meaning she's going to get up and pee. Really? Pee jokes? That's the best you can come up with? I'll give her credit for making a good point -we all got up to pee Monday morning but still. Really? My husband says I'm too hard on the French. I probably am. They are not all like that. And there are a few French comedians out there who are pretty good. But when they bow down to their stereotypes however they go hard. There's no coming back. I don't know how other Americans can find the French so charming. Maybe my problem is that I don't really like Americans either. I should have moved to Germany where I can just look on with disapproval at the rest of the world. Europe is a strange place. |
| It's strange but I woke up this morning missing Paris. I have the tiniest apartment on the planet, the city smells terrible, it's a cesspool of infection and insecurity, most everyone is miserable (oddly enough, I have nothing against most of the people), there is a massive and obvious class divide, it takes 1 hour to get anywhere - ANYWHERE - even down the street and it was once filled with tourists. And did I mention it's expensive? So expensive. But I miss it. I want to walk around the Opera in the 2nd and pretend I'm trendy in the 10th and laugh at the students in the 5th and smoke outside of a café in the 6th. I want to fight the Asian and Russian tourists in the shops and when I go running I want to follow some firefighters 2km. I want to almost get hit by a bus. I want to take the metro lines 1 and 14 and contemplate that the only reason the super tall plexiglass guard rails are there is because the city didn't want the tourists to be hampered by how many people throw themselves in front of the subway cars everyday. (Sadly this is not an exaggeration. At least one person dies from suicide by subway car each day in Paris. If you visit the city and your metro is delayed this is quite likely the reason.) I want to have to watch my purse closely and surveille everyone suspiciously. Paris is in all respects, a weird, weird place. But I miss it. The lockdown ends tomorrow but Paris is in "the red zone" and travel has been restricted so that I can't actually travel to the city without a permission slip. I will have to ask my employer if they can write me one even if work isn't allowed to reopen. At least I can go running again and leave my house as many times as I like during the day. Although I wonder how this is going to work in Arles since I fear there is a large part of the community that is too uneducated to understand that the end of lockdown does not mean it's the end of the virus. I'm sure there are plenty who do understand the difference but I think it's going to be about 50/50. Also, all last week the weather was bright and sunny, 24°C with a nice cool breeze. Today it's raining. Tomorrow it's raining. I've been waiting 2 months to go running outside and it's raining. I will run in the rain. Make no mistake. I played oboe and worked on my novel yesterday. I'm feeling, snarky, angry, mean, negative today. In fact, now that I think of it, I felt that way yesterday afternoon too. My stomach hurts and um- I've been to the toilet several times this morning. It's calming down now. Perhaps some meditation and yoga would help me reset my mind a bit. |
| The taxes must have worn me out yesterday because today I find myself rather tired. There's a running problem I've had since I was an adolescent where my energy suddenly collapses to the point that I feel weak and barely able to hold myself up. It seems to come and go without any logic or reason. Some days I'm fine and other days I can barely keep my eyes open. Usually it falls within the hours of 2 and 6 but sometimes it comes earlier. Back when I was at Brandeis they tested me for a variety of things, thyroids, diabetes, iron deficiency, and they all came back negative. Another doctor in France encouraged me to have my thyroid tested again, but I never did it. I probably should have. Nothing really seems to help except laying down and taking a nap, but even then, I often wake up feeling worse than I did before I laid down so I'm just trying to push through it today. I did some studying, read some blogs, went shopping. I bought a new nail polish color because my nails are growing since I haven't been biting them, since I haven't been at work. Funny how that seems to work. No smoking, less drinking, long nails, healthy diet, all because I'm not working. Like I wrote yesterday, I don't hate my job, but I often wonder if I should return to it when the restaurant reopens. I won't say that I'm more productive now than I am when I'm at work because my job takes up so much of my waking hours, but I am more focused and I've spent more time doing things I enjoy than I did on my weekends when I was at work. For instance, I might have an evening off from work and go home around 6 or 7pm. Instead of going home and spending an hour studying or shopping or enjoying myself, I usually order delivery, get drunk, and pass out. Or if I have a long break in the middle of the day, I nap rather than exercising, reading, studying, writing, etc. On the weekends I sleep, run, and spend time roaming aimlessly around the internet. My waking, off hours are spent just recovering rather than being enjoyed. And that has always bothered me about this career that I've chosen. I don't expect to go home after a 10 hour day and spend another 5 hours writing or studying but an hour here and there would make me feel like I'm doing something for myself. I don't even have the energy to go out and make friends or be social. Therefore, my only friends are people I see at work. And I'm not really allowed to socialize with them all that much because of my rank within hierarchical structure. I started a story for the Short Shots competition but I haven't made much headway since Tuesday. I should go back to it later. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to enter since I've already won once, but it's a nice exercise. The word count limit is 1500 but I'm aiming for 5000 words at least for the first draft and then we'll see if we can either cut that back or abridge it for an entry. If not, then I'll have a 5000 word story. I should also get back to my novel prep. Now that NaNo is over and I don't feel crushed by the weight of my crappy NaNo story, I might be able to concentrate on creating a mood and narrative for my novel. I'm struggling with finding the voice of many of the characters as I develop them. I realize I will probably have to write in the 3rd person POV which I'm not thrilled about, but I think it will be the best way to tell the story. So narrative is going to have to be key. I always feel like even in the 3rd person POV the narrator needs to have a role, a voice, a developed character in the story, even if they are totally impartial. That's an interesting idea. I'm not the first person to make it, but it's something I've never put down into words myself. Something to think about and develop... It's been a long time since I've written a haiku. I'm going to lay down now. |
| Today I was a big girl and filed my US taxes. Don't yell at me but I hadn't bothered since I moved to France in 2009. In part because I couldn't be bothered, in part because for the first few years of living here I had no income to file and in part because I spent the first few years too much of a mental mess trying to deal with the French to deal with the US. Anyway, I sat down and did it for part of yesterday and today and it was a mess. But I got it done. All these papers to prove to the US government that I'm not interesting and have no money. Nor am I claiming any stimulus checks or refunds. Just take your stupid paperwork and go. I warned my husband that this is probably going to cause "a thing" because I haven't filed in 10 years and now the IRS is probably going to want to know where I have been since 2009. But one filing at a time. And honestly if the IRS and US government are going to get themselves in a tizzy for someone who makes next to nothing after taxes and living expenses they need to get their priorities in order. But I'm afraid that when I apply for French citizenship it might come up. Or if one day I need to go back to the States for whatever reason. I'm not planning on it but I told myself I'd never do a lot of things that I ended up doing. I also worked on my student loan deferments but I can't send those electronically because... because... why not? They will have to wait until I can gain access to a printer. Still, I feel like it's one small step towards being a better adult. I don't know why I should care. I don't want or have a lot of the things most people my age have and it suits me fine. I guess maybe it's the principle of the thing. I often consider myself a responsible person but in terms of finances and a lot of "serious stuff" I have failed miserably. I feel like if I can manage this, maybe, eventually, I can climb out of my crappy career situation and find something that allows me to have a personal life and not feel so miserable all the time. Or maybe I can learn balance a personal life with my crappy career and not put so much emphasis on something so insignificant. I don't hate my job, but it's a lot of stress for something that isn't really essential. Yes, restaurants and hospitality bring a moment of pleasure, a real memorable experience, and wine is a great existential, ephemeral medium, but in the long term it's A LOT of stress and abuse for something that isn't that important. And the hours I work- often 10 or 12 hour days are a bit much. Maybe with this small step I can learn to stop running away from shit. |
| It's clear I've failed as an adult. All of my US student loan emails go through an old account that I hadn't looked at in months. I happened to look at it today and discover that my student loans which I had put on deferment sometime in the past are many days overdue. Forbearance is gone. I forgot to renew the deferment and with everything closed, I can't do it now. I can't find masks in the stores here. I don't know if I'll be able to get up to Paris anytime soon to check on my apartment. I haven't filed taxes in the US since moving to France. People tell me this was the wrong thing to do. Despite having no taxable income or any assets or really connection to the US at all. I don't live there anymore. I have a passport with an American stamp but that's all. And quite frankly, I don't care about any of it. I look at this financial wreck of my life and wonder why it all can't just go away. I can't deal with it. It makes me panicky and angry and feel like a total failure so I just don't deal with it. One day it will probably come back to bite me in the ass. I'll get arrested coming into the States to visit my family or something. They'll confiscate my passport and what? I have no assets in France. I don't own anything. I know I should deal with this stuff, but I can't. I don't want to. I hate all of it. Just thinking about all the bureaucratic and financial crap I've avoided all my life is enough to make my anxiety go right through the roof and cause me to break down. Why can't I adult? I can't keep on top of this. I don't know what to do or where to start. So I'm going to take a shower and then bake bread I have rising on the kitchen counter. The day started out so well. I got up early. Started the bread, did some yoga, was feeling pretty good about ... things... and by 11:30am it's all fallen apart. I just want someone to take it off my hands, to take all of this off my hands. I don't want to be responsible for student loans, taxes, papers, documents, passports, and all the rest of that crap. I just want to live my life. I pay taxes in France. I'm a law abiding citizen. I do the best I can. All the rest of that stuff is so unappealing to me and feels so unnecessary. And now I'm drowning in it. Or if I'm not yet, I will be one day. At least I don't have children who will inherit my mess when I'm gone. |
| Tomorrow, wine should be arriving. I ordered six bottles from a sommelier website that has an agreement with various producers mostly in France and highlights different cuvées each month. I also bought another four bottles from my local caviste this morning. So I'm less stressed about the lack of wine in our house. It's kind of ironic if you think about. I'm responsible for one of the biggest wine cellars in the world but my home has a serious lack of wine. There was no wine today, however. Most of today was spent sleeping because my allergies flared up something awful last night. My eyes started to itch, my skin started to itch, and I was sneezing every 15 seconds. Oddly enough, I can breathe fine. I woke up this morning with my eyes swollen and irritated and feeling horrible. I must have been scratching them in my sleep. I managed to buy my wine and make a trip to the pharmacy for medicine. I can't remember the last time I had to take allergy medicine. It was definitely when I was in the States so it was over 10 years ago at least. I don't know what brought on this insanity. My husband thinks it's because I'm not smoking and all the toxins that normally cover my skin - both inside and outside - are gone. I guess that could be it. I just want it to stop. I hope that tomorrow I will feel better. Yesterday was not exactly productive but I had a clearer head, I was thinking about some things, actions I've taken over the years, reactions I've had to other things. Starting to do some home therapy in a way. Today, I just woke up angry. I was angry at everyone. I guess it's alright. Anger is allowed on occasion, even if there is no outward reason for it. At least I'm aware of it... ? It's 22H30 right now. I'll probably go back to sleep soon. I was trying to find a true crime documentary to watch but none of them appealed to me. My eyes hurt anyway. I'll listen to an audiobook instead. Since reading is out. |
| According to the French government, confinement is ending next Monday. Though it's still a subject of debate on how much movement we'll be allowed. We might not get out at all. I don't really care. Monday, deconfinement or not, I'm going running. Because that's what I miss the most. I just want to run. Fuck the elliptical. I could take my chances and go today. There are two old biddies right underneath my window right now, chatting like nothing is wrong. No masks, no personal space, no worries. But I'm not allowed to go running even though I won't be near, or probably even see anyone. I try to stay out of people's business. Especially the French, who never cease to baffle me, and even more especially the Provençale who baffle me even more than a typical Frenchmen. And quite frankly if people want to take their chances getting sick and spreading the virus around, that's their problem. I can't control other people's lives and how they live them. At the same time, it enrages me. I'm doing my part to be a good girl and help others by staying in so that we can all eventually go back to work and restart the economy and save "life as we know it." When honestly, I think we all deserve to go through another massive economic depression that would result in the deaths and starvation of millions. I believe we deserve the breakdown of society and the economy, even if it would probably mean my own death to achieve it. But I'm doing my part for others anyway. Because I know most of society isn't ready for that and won't accept it with any sort of grace or ability to rebuild and make the world a better place afterwards. And for the past 20 minutes I've watched people walk underneath my window and chat with their friends like it's just another day. I want shout at them. I could call the cops but as I've said a thousand times, I know the cops here in Arles would do nothing. Absolutely nothing. In other news, I haven't been writing or doing much of anything since NaNo ended. I wasn't doing much during the last week of NaNo besides putting myself on autopilot to bang out 1500 words a day. Yesterday I did try to study and actually sit in front of my computer thinking about writing. I guess that is better than nothing. The first step is always having the intention and opening the book or the blank page. I don't have much to do, so I will try again today. I don't expect to find my groove - as I mentioned in my last entry. At least not for a while. My only goal is to understand myself; understand why, when I have the desire, I cannot find the will. I refuse to accept that this is just the way it is. I no longer allow computer games after 5pm. It was one of the causes of my being unable to sleep even if I was going to bed at a fairly reasonable hour. Around midnight is actually early for me, given that when I'm working my typical bedtime is between 2am-3am. After sleeping badly, nay I say, horribly, for three or four nights in a row I had to change something. It seems to be helping somewhat, though tonight will only be day three. The biddies finally went their separate ways. As I'm almost 40 I often think about at what age someone becomes a biddy. Is it 65? The age of retirement? 70? 80? Is it a state of mind? Because if it is, I'm probably already a biddy even though I look 30. When will some middle-aged women who acts like a 20-something stare out her window at me with disgust and think "ugh, that old biddy is at it again." |
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I think it's awesome that you're using that negative experience to get creative. It's hard not to just wallow when those things happen. I use a paper journal for most of my actual coping process too, but I do share bits and pieces on WDC as well.
Might try a short story a day instead. Stay safe. 
