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Because I usually am in Vino ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** In 2009, I gave up my studies as a medievalist and musician, left my home, my family, my life and moved to Provence in southern France for a guy. In 2012, I moved away from him to study wine. Today, I'm a vagabond sommelier working in Paris at one of the oldest and most famous restaurants in the world, struggling to find some purpose to what I deem the rest of my life. I'm still married and after 8 10 years, I'm still trying to fit-in with French life and culture and to understand why the French are the way they are. Because they're weird in a different way that I think Americans are weird. Perhaps it's me who's weird. |
I have posted the first two sections of my story "Invalid Item"  and I'm almost done with Part 1. I wanted to finish it today but I'm getting annoyed by how long it's taking. Why does writing take so long? Did it always take this long or am I really that out of practice? Or have I become so long winded and convoluted that I can't write a concise story and instead just ramble on? Anyway, what I thought would be a 10,000 word short story is looking like it will be at least 20,000 words with Part 1 being the first 10,000 that I'm about to wrap up. I hope that I can actually finish this one and not end up dropping it halfway through like the last two stories I've written these past two months because I won't be happy. As I write, I hear the whisperings of doubt dripping constantly in my ears. "Why are you doing this?" "You don't even know where you're going with this story." "You're just going to fail and abandon this one like you've abandoned all the others." "This is the dumbest thing you've ever written. You're just ripping off - insert list of various authors here - and doing a bad job of it.' Yeah well, fuck that. Even if this has no point and never gets read at least I've done something with my furlough from work. Yesterday, I did nothing. Literally nothing. I sat around and played a game on my phone and listened to true crime podcasts. The goal was to work- write, study, play oboe. I even got dressed and looked good for the occasion. But I ended up back in my pjs, laying on the couch and doing nothing by 1pm. I'm trying to be better about concentrating on my work, but without any actual goals that need to be met in the long term it's difficult. The fact is that I don't really have any goals in my life period. Don't most people have goals - like buying a house, or a car, or having kids, raising kids, earning a promotion, painting the house, traveling to Cancun, learning Spanish? I don't mean they have to be super ambitious goals like discovering the cure for cancer or taking over Russia, but I suspect most people have some sort of goal in life that they work towards. My husband's for example is buying a house and having enough money to live comfortably and not be bothered by anyone. He works to arrange his life so that his life is as people-free and as stress-free as possible. He just doesn't want to have to deal. That might sound well - lonely and irresponsible to some people - like he's shirking any responsibility to be an active member of society, which he is, but that's his goal because he doesn't trust or like people and that's fine. I don't even have that. I tried once to come up with some long term - bucket list - kind of goals but they ended up feeling far fetched and impossible. I suppose they aren't impossible, but given that I don't like my life as it is, it feels like learning Russian and visiting Gobekli Tepe are weird goals to have right now. Anyway today I wrote, did yoga. I'm going to run when the sun stops burning the street. And I'll play oboe. My reed stuff still hasn't arrived, which is weird. No word from the company where I ordered it either. M said he's stop by my apartment in Paris this afternoon. He's probably on his way now. I'm terrified of what he's going to find. But at least I'll know if I have to go up to Paris immediately to deal with a disaster or if the disaster can wait until travel restrictions are hopefully lifted in 10 days. |
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I think it's awesome that you're using that negative experience to get creative. It's hard not to just wallow when those things happen. I use a paper journal for most of my actual coping process too, but I do share bits and pieces on WDC as well.
Might try a short story a day instead. Stay safe. 
