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An evolution in years |
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blank mind, empty thoughts, hollow ramblings "Some nights when it rains I dig out your old pictures and dance with memories sour now with age I wish I could let go and just walk out of this prison this shrine that I have build around my pain" - The Dreaming "I've always been good at helping everyone but myself." - me "God you were so beautiful, 'til I looked in your eyes" - The Dreaming |
| This is a selection of quotes from a work I wrote last night that is for the most part too personal for me to actually put up here. If you ask me, depending on who you are, I may let you read the whole thing. But I'm not sure if anyone will get that permission. "Heartbreak never really fades, just scars over. And when you are the cause of that heartbreak, it never really manages to form that scar." "I still dream about him" "There are too many parts of my heart that belong to others, nothing left for me" "Usually by now I am looking for an excuse to run, even if I dont' realize it." "Being away from him hurts more than I could possibly imagine" "If you don't have the time to read, you don't have the time, or the tools, to write." - Stephen King "Forbidden fruits create jams" - Chuch sign saying "What a strange path I took to find my heart" - Crime and Punishment in Suburbia "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Well, I'm all moved in and settled at college. It took me one night before I gave up making my bed. All in all, it isn't that bad. My roommate kicks ass *grin* and her twin is cool too. Our room could be larger... it could have a carpet instead of tile... and it could use a new coat of paint, but what else is new about dorm life? We've got a great setup with the whole food thing, and as of right now we're not starving, so that's good stuff. My job is *eh*. I figure I'll get used to it after a while, but the hours suck and they let me out an hour late today which really sucked since now I'm so tired I havn't had the opportunity to either call Jeremy or go to the supposedly all important shindig going down at the student union which my roommate really wanted me to go to. ahwell. I wish I could have talked to Jeremy today, though. Classes start tomorrow and I'm not sure how that's going to go. I'm running out of things to say - but the last thing: I went on a fucking great trip today with the orientation thing. We went rafting, and there's a man made waterpark where we pulled out. The first rapid is a class 3, basically just a drop with a kickass eddy. So we pulled out and spent something like an hour hanging out by the rapid, watching people go down it with intertubes, duckies (inflatable kayaks), and regular kayaks. Then we started just swimming down it and that was such a fucking rush. The water was about 50 degrees, and it was so cool I can't describe it. All in all, a good day, except for the NASTY sunburn I now have. *ick* That and work sucking. ~~Sarah "If you don't have the time to read, you don't have the time, or the tools, to write." - Stephen King "Forbidden fruits create jams" - Chuch sign saying "What a strange path I took to find my heart" - Crime and Punishment in Suburbia "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I have spent three nights in a row now over in my Free Forms journal trying to come up with something to type. I've got a few ideas, but nothing comes out. I've done the same in here. I have to move tomorrow and I have no profound thoughts about it one way or another. All I can think is "I so don't want to go back to the long-distance relationship thing". It will be really weird to be in the place that Jackson and I spent so much time planning on going to together. Yes, the school was my first choice long before I met him, but it took on a different meaning after he and I decided to go there together and now... now I don't even know what is going on with him in the least. I wish I did. Other than that, life is uneventful. I just wish I could manage to write something sometime at somepoint. Maybe moving will help me come up with some new things. Maybe I should start putting my novel up here in chunks. Maybe I should just focus on my novel since that has nothing to do with anything that is going on. Yes. Novel. |
| I have dreams about Jackson calling me and telling me he understands. As soon as I hear his voice I know it is a dream, but I don't care anymore. I keep seeing ravens and crows everywhere I go. whole damn flocks of them. That hasn't happened since before I met Jackson. I talk to Cody and he tells me he's been having dreams involving me and Ravens. if only symbolism weren't so damned confusing. |
| I have decided to make this journal a public journal again. Basically... well, because I really just don't give a shit anymore. If you want to know about the real people in my life for the past few months, not the storybook versions, feel free to read. If you are one of said people and you want me to remove your names from this and replace them with your screennames, I will. Just email me. Other than that, have fun. ~~Sarah "If you don't have the time to read, you don't have the time, or the tools, to write." - Stephen King "Forbidden fruits create jams" - Chuch sign saying "What a strange path I took to find my heart" - Crime and Punishment in Suburbia "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I can't write anymore. I sit down and all that goes through my head are the typical rants of life. I try to organize them into something coherent, meaningful... anything... and all they are is a jumble of words. Everything in my head is still in so much chaos... I don't know where to begin... I don't know if there is to be a beginning. I looked in my writing notebook the other day and it hit me that I hadn't put pen to paper since I broke up with Jackson. I don't sleep anymore. I wait until I am too exhausted to keep my eyes open, and then I'll sleep for a few hours. When people ask me how much sleep I got I'll give them my typical response from months ago, but the truth is I havn't slept in about a month. A few hours here and there... The dreams are getting to me. Flashes of what could have been... any number of "could have beens". Anthony pointed out to me that I wouldn't be who I am if I didn't follow my heart... if I didn't act on instinct. But I'm sick of the pain that causes people when I act. I've gotten very good at hurting people these past few years. Hell, if there was an award, I'd probably have it. I hate that I still care. I hate that I still care about everyone. Even the ones I have every fucking right to hate. But I hate that I still want Jackson in my life when I know that is the last thing he needs. I need to just pull away, make him think I don't care, but I do. It will be easier if I don't, if I'm just the heartless bitch he made the mistake of caring about in the first place as he moves on and finds someone much much better than me. I never deserved him. Of course, naturally, I really don't feel that I deserve anything good. I always told him he deserved better. Perhaps now he'll reach out and get it. I say all of this and still the dreams persist. I'm so tired of the dreams. I am so tired of being somewhere public and thinking I hear him calling my name. I'm so tired of it all. I'm tired of dreaming about running into him years from now and being unsure what to say. I'm sick of listening to Stabbing Westward and having all their lyrics make sense. I'd crawl into a hole somewhere and just let everyone forget about me, but I think people now would actually look for me. If only they'd realize I'm not worth it. So I think I'm crawling into the hole in my mind again. Sequestering myself so I don't think about anything at all, really. Jeremy can make me smile. But even his power to do that only goes so far. Perhaps when I move these memories will quit haunting me. Of course, then I'll still have this knowledge that Jackson was supposed to be at Western with me. I'm starting to see what he means when he calls this the neverending summer. It will be worse now that I don't have work. Work got me through the day, kept me moving. It forced me to sleep, because I did need to be able to think, act, have reflexes, etc. Now there is no real reason to sleep anymore. Why am I typing all of this out? I've been writing it over and over and over again in my notebook, if only to acutally have something there, so it's not like I'm decompressing. Something new comes out every time, I guess, but it's really just bitching. ~SJK |
| So apparently I have been 100% cut out of my old group. And they couldn't even be stylish about it. Graduation, and all of that, today. Afterwords, Pam mentions to me in passing "So I'll see you at Matt's tonight?". I give her a confused look, and she (in a sort of *no duh* tone of voice) says, "For his party" I think to myself, "Ok, so he must have anounced it on the forum, and since I'm not forum 1337, She's just filling me in on it." So later that evening, Gaite and I head over that way. We get there. Matt looks quite surprised. I later discover from a short conversation with pam that most people had recieved their invitations directly from Matt. He hadn't even mentioned a party to me. He didn't even have the courage to tell me that he wasn't comfortable having me at a party which Mengqi was invited to. If that was even the reason. Since apparently it's been a pretty well known party, and no one... No One... mentioned it to me until Pam accidentally let it slip (I'm sure she wasn't filled in on the conspiracy because she would never go along). Fuckers. Every last one of them with the exception of pam. Even David didn't bring it up with me. "Human life is permeated with underground streams" - Berdynev "You have to give the darkness permission, it cannot take over otherwise" - Madeline L'Engle, A ring of Endless Light "Terrible deeds done in the name Of tunnel vision and fear of change Surely are expressions of A soul that's turned its back on love" - Bruce Cockburn, Put it in your heart Forget my portfolio, check out: corvvs ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Well, I'm sitting back here at the computer where Jackson and I sat on friday during marketing. It's haunting, though it isn't as painful as it could be, given that it's not the same class and I don't have to focus on the exact memory. I was saddened today at lunch when Connor and Jenn were talking about good movies to go to for their first date and then asked if I'd seen any of them and I had to reply no. I have no one to go with, so it's not like I see alot of movies. It's interesting how my life has been reduced to sleep, school, talking to Jackson, work and role-playing, and even the role-playing part of all of that has minimized to the point where it really isn't so much of an activity anymore and is more of a momentary distraction that occurs every now and then for a few hours. I need to find something to do, something to occupy the hours between work and Jackson and school. The scrap-book helps, but not that much, and really school is just as boring as not having school so I need something to occupy me while I'm in classes with these people who couldn't care less about my life or the fact that I'm even there. They'll talk to everyone but me, and honestly that doesn't disturb me as much as it should, given that I'm not at all interested in thier companionship. My few friends are not in classes with me anymore, and I really wish I hadn't been switched around with my english and MBA classes, because at least in the other classes I had a few friends (Connor in english, Kate and Emma in MBA). I need something to occupy these moments when everyone is over in the corner talking to each other about Prom, never once noticing me or the fact that I'm sitting in the corner trying to get through the rest of the hour. Fuck them all. "Human life is permeated with underground streams" - Berdynev "Terrible deeds done in the name Of tunnel vision and fear of change Surely are expressions of A soul that's turned its back on love" - Bruce Cockburn, Put it in your heart Forget my portfolio, check out: corvvs ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** http://www.neopets.com/refer.phtml?username=kgirlfae |
| Wow - this is a new one for me. I got called a poser for wearing Jackson's flannel shirt. I enjoyed correcting the poor pathetic person who tried making fun of me, meanwhile calling attention in that annoying/subtle way that I do to the fact that he was what he was attempting to mock. Lol... "Human life is permeated with underground streams" - Berdynev "I HATE writers block!" - Me! "It'll all go back to normal if we put our nation first, But the trouble with normal is it always gets worse" - Bruce Cockburn ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** http://www.neopets.com/refer.phtml?username=kgirlfae |
| Given the two people who can read this journal are writers, I'm looking for some help on this, but I don't want to publish it on the site just yet... seeing as it's not done. (one hundreth post, btw - I didn't notice that during the first two edits) *Tracks* Fleeting Connections on mine swept fields does anyone around here even bother to feel Temporary moments of calm in the storm but after years of this waiting you realize nowhere is warm And I'm racing along the tracks Like a lost night train rushing toward the day when I can hold you again but when all my roads seem to pull me from you I'm lost in the corner what to do, what to do? Momentary lapses in the facade of life no one manages to see through thier walls of strife Brittle cries in hollow lands a try at escape leads to wire-cut hands And I'm racing along the tracks Like a lost night train rushing toward the day when I can hold you again but when all my roads seem to pull me from you I'm lost in the corner what to do, what to do? *and this is where I lose the rest of the poem/song* HELP! "Human life is permeated with underground streams" - Berdynev "I HATE writers block!" - Me! "It'll all go back to normal if we put our nation first, But the trouble with normal is it always gets worse" - Bruce Cockburn ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** http://www.neopets.com/refer.phtml?username=kgirlfae |
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