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An evolution in years |
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blank mind, empty thoughts, hollow ramblings "Some nights when it rains I dig out your old pictures and dance with memories sour now with age I wish I could let go and just walk out of this prison this shrine that I have build around my pain" - The Dreaming "I've always been good at helping everyone but myself." - me "God you were so beautiful, 'til I looked in your eyes" - The Dreaming |
| I'm sitting here in the library at a computer surrounded by people that are in a class, and somehow I manage to not be kicked off a computer in order to allow people access to the internet. That isn't really the subject of this post, however. For the past few days I've been trying to sort out things in my head, and in the process I have gotten very lost. My head is a very confusing place, and I don't like being up there longer than necessary. Actually I hate being up there in the first place, much less when half my brain is trying to kill the other half, and I generally can't get anything to agree. I'm really not sure what I should be thinking, much less how I should be reacting to the events unfolding around me. The hardest thing is, I don't really feel comfortable telling all in this journal, or more accuratly, I can't really journal everything due to the fact that the two people that are currently making the issues around me are the only ones to read this. It's not that I have any particular problems with either of you, but it's that I have issues with what's going on. I don't want emails being flung around. I honestly don't see where the issue comes from, Jackson, seeing as you've never met Cody, and the only things you know about him come from me - things which are pretty vauge, and rather tainted by my own view of events. Not to mention the fact that my memory gets pretty hazy as to details almost immediatly, and I tend to just be able to express emotion, which is a mutable thing depending on the emotions with which you are remembering emotions (this is something that only makes sense to me I think sometimes). So what is the issue? You've never met him, so why this distrust? Because somewhere inside of you you're jealous (and no, you can't really deny this). I'm not sure what you are jealous of exactly. The past between Cody and I is hazy at best, confusing and fucked up at worst. I can't really say everything that went on, everything that was felt, because it is something that I couldn't even figure out when the events were happening - thus the problems. The only issues I see here are the ones between Cody and I. Issues which both of us are willing to finally put behind us, and issues which probably in the end have strengthened our friendship. And that's what it is - friendship. I can honestly say that Cody is the only person on this planet I would actually call my friend. Sure, I have Pam and Gaite - but they're more like sisters than anything else. There are times when I simply cannot go to them with problems, because I know they won't understand. I have always been able to go to Cody, I have always been able to lean on him. When most people were more concerned with using me as a pillar of support, Cody always gave me more than I gave him. I didn't really blame him when he said that I'd used him, because I had. I will never lose respect for him as a friend - he is the best friend I have had in my life, and he has continued to be such even through our problems. Ok, wow, that got a bit bitchy (and when I say a bit, I mean in that whole gigantic painful way). *wonders if it's a smart idea to continue* *Decides that she's already begun, so she might as well contine* As for the email situation - I have always hated email and all the rest due to how impersonal it is, and my own issues with writing long letters and such. My grammer leaves alot to be asked for, and I've always had issues with spelling. I don't usually go to an effort to correct my spelling unless I knew I was being graded on it. I don't see the point in going through all that effort when all I'm doing is writing to someone that wouldn't care, or also when I'm writing for myself. Your only samples of Cody's writings are personal writings, and why would he go to the effort to clean them up for the general public if he just wants to get his thoughts out as quickly as possible? Along the same lines, I love the fact that you are always so precise with your word choice, because it reflects your personality - you are in every aspect a Virgo, and I love that. Part of what makes your writing so enjoyable is that I don't get hung up on the grammer and spelling. I can actually settle down and enjoy the content. But there are advantages to both systems. The thing that makes this so hard is that if you two had met under different circumstances, I'm still convinced that you probably would have ended up liking each other, if not good friends. I'm not sure that's quite possible given the circumstances, but with any luck some kind of mutual acceptance is achievable. Actually, I was really impressed by Cody's email. It basically addressed most of the issues I had tried to bring up, but in a far more convincing manner, and I think it was something that needed to be heard from more than one source. I'll admit, there is still some awkwardness with me in regards to being around Cody. I don't think the past two years are going to be something I just suddenly accept, and I think it will take a while for me to settle back down into friendship. There's alot of history there that needs to be dealt with. And that's something that needs to be sorted out between Cody and I. Jackson... I love you, and I always will, but this is something that is between myself and Cody. And yes, while you are the most important thing in my life, and while you always come first, there will be second and third and forth (etc.) most important things, and they will have an effect on me and my life, and as a result us and our life. Cody is very clearly important to me. *damnit* *gets kicked out of the library* *Is now in business lab* *continues* *realizes she has no idea where she was going with any of the above* *just starts whining "Why can't we all just get along?"* |
| This is not going to go well. Not in the least. Not in any way shape or form. There should be bans against three earth signs being allowed within arms reach of one another - or an 'emotional' arms reach at least. badbadbadbad. "Human life is permeated with underground streams" - Berdynev "I HATE writers block!" - Me! "It'll all go back to normal if we put our nation first, But the trouble with normal is it always gets worse" - Bruce Cockburn ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| "Thoughts disappear and hopes have died But now I am safe, nothing can hurt me here" "The truth and the lies so confused as one I can't believe in anything sacred when I don't believe in anything" "Locked in my memories There's nowhere left for me to hide But I am not real I've made all I am with lies" "I don't believe That I could be so stupid and so naive I don't believe That there is nothing, Nothing left for me" "You used me up and left me here for dead" "Worthless, I'm a whore, crawling back for more It's pathetic how I feed off this abuse" "So all that I believe I am essentially are lies And everything I've hoped to be or ever thought I was Died with your belief in me so who the hell am I" "You wither And you blister I watch you burn and peel It's not like you can save me" "Give me back my mind" "I've spent every moment since the day you left In an attempt to rebuild a shattered remains of a pathetic life" "I swallow the hate, betrayal, and lies I swallow it whole and shove it deep down inside of me" "I just can't learn to forget Now I'm choking on the memories Choking on regret I tried, but I can't find a way to untangle all the pieces After they've been thrown away" "From the moment that you're born From the moment that you're concieved From your first step across the room 'Till you first learn to pee You're filled with hate Filled with lies Force fed foolish pride" "Voices whisper softly in the darkness Cries of accusation evil lies Voices echo screaming throbbing laughing Peel back my skull and look inside" "Someone screaming softly in the distance I run to seek my refuge from the light Until the darkness once more falls upon me" "Will the weight of today finally pull me down to drown" "I thought you were my friend that you were someone that I could turn to Now I realise that you were a friend when you needed something" "I know your life is empty, And you hate to face this world alone Your searching for an angel Someone who can make you whole" "The truth scares the shit out of me" "And now there's nothing left to say Well, nothing that you'd believe" "A darkness grows inside me in fading shades of gray All the colors of the world are slowly sucked away I'm sinking ever deeper to a place that's cold and black" "It's hard to face the truth sometimes" "I should be feeling so alive But it feels like something's missing Something's wrong somehow It feels like something deep inside has died" "And if there's one thing that I've learned from life, it's that it gets you in the end" "You think you're in control but you make me sick" "Now I just can't believe In myself or in anything" "Some nights I feel like I have died Or something deep inside is dying I try to understand my crimes But there's nothing here that really matters" "Your soul, a pit of stone The depths I wish I could have known Dangerous, black and full of spite" "You stare at me so silent, you stare at me so cold I think you stare right through me, that stare has made me old" "Your face flashes through my head, I swallow pain So this is how it feels to be betrayed" "Now all the empty promises are dead" "I want you the fuck out of my head" "Late last night I tripped in violent shades of green A thousand voiceless faces were chasing me I ran through air as thick as glue From a thousand fucking faces that all look like you Through night as black as hate my spirit fled Through branches filled with thorns my eyes bled and bled How could I ever hope to win this race When everytime I close my eyes I see your face When everytime I close my eyes It just can't happen here" ~~Sarah |
| AIM quotes: ...Tell me not to call Cody ...But what if he doesn't get my email, and then he thinks I blew him off intentionally? ...Why couldn't he just leave me alone? ... Perhaps this is his version of revenge. ...I'm just starting to get sick of being jerked around. I mean - this is exactly the kind of stuff he got pissed at me for. ...woah.... this is revenge ...I knew he liked revenge. I just didn't know he liked it as much as I do. ...I basically knew all along, I was just willing to deal with it. Hm. Random thoughts. Hope you like 'em Cody. ~~Sarah |
| Honestly, I'm not even sure why I'm journaling today. For the most part, today was uneventful. I picked out my prom dress, which is really cool, but I guess it doesn't really hit on my radar of "important stuff" I guess something of note today that has been bugging me is my friend Nathan's pestering questions as to his relationship with his boyfriend. Apparently his boyfriend has a history of cheating, and Nathan doesn't want him to cheat (god, can you tell this guy's a freshman?). He's asking me what he can do to preven this guy's cheating on him. My answer? "Don't date him in the first place! It doesn't show much self respect for yourself, now doest it?" *grumble* I just don't get the cheating phenomenon. |
| "I'm not so much losing my friends, but shedding the people who were never my friends in the first place." - Me in AIM w/ Jackson I wonder to what extent this holds true. For the past 4 years, I have never once had the same group of friends at school. Sure, I've had 'floaters' that kinda stuck around, but the main group that I always sit with, seek out and talk to shifted at least once a year, if not once a semester. So is it that I just drift away from friends ('lose' them in a sense) or that they were never more than a distraction in the first place? If so, what were they a distraction from? Why even bother in the first place? I don't mind sitting alone at lunch, I used to do it all the time, and I still do sometimes... but at what point did sitting alone become almost fearsome for me? Perhaps it started when I started hurting myself more often. I'd only ever do it in private, so the longer I was around people, the less often I would find myself tempted. And by the time I was so far gone that I'd started to hurt myself no matter who was around, no one cared - at least, not the only person who was ever around (Mike). I actually started hurting myself in front of him a month or so before I met Jackson. At first he would force me to stop doing it in front of him... but then it just progressed into him ignoring it. If Jackson hadn't actually taken the time to talk to me... *shudder* Ok, I think I went of on a really bizarre tangent there. *sighs* Of course, it all brings me back to why I continue shifting friends. Why can't I pick just one shallow group to hang out with? ~~Sarah |
| Ok, so Jess and I went to the county clerk's office today to have a chat with the people in the sales-tax department. Well, after a long discussion as to whether or not our potential start-up will need to pay sales-tax (she spent 10 minutes trying to convince us we did need to, when in the first 1 minute she revealed to any thinking person in the room that no, we did not, in fact, have to), she decided to just let us go with a handful of forms to "officialize" our business - a business with no set base of opperations (I guess you could count my locker at school, since that's where we're keeping our equipment and our schedule-book), a business with absolutly no retail issues (and it's only retail businesses that have to worry about salestax btw), but also a business that in almost every sense of the word can be defined as a volunteer opperation with a "mandatory donation" of $5/keyboard (which we've actually decided to make it - volunteer with a mandatory donation - thus NO taxes at all *whee*) - well, these forms happened to be the forms for a retail business opperating out of a commercial building. *sighs* And people wonder why Colorado is plauged with budget issues - can we say incompetence at the basic level?? These are the people who are taking the checks from people who are supposed to be paying sales tax. *grumble* The good news - JSCCK is offically up and running. We'll be passing out flyers in the next few weeks, and with any luck we'll start getting appointments. *crosses fingers* |
| There is a slightly odd feeling knowing that now Cody can access my journal. Should I continue to talk about how much not having him around sucks? Hell, I guess I never really talked about that much in the first place - just how much losing him hurt. Then again, I guess I did just bring it up. Anyway - the odd thing is, I'm not really sure how uncensored I should make my thoughts. I'm not even sure I can ever avoid censoring my thoughts, so perhaps I should just go about my usual journaling - the periodic bitchy rant, and that's it. Or I could use this as a medium to basically communicate with Cody, even though I said I would leave him alone... Is it my fault if he emails me? I've been told that when he does I shouldn't reply... but it wasn't my choice to leave him alone... he asked me to. Thus, if he's emailing me, he's basically asking for a replay. In that case, then, why doesn't he just call me? I won't call him - I won't approach him - I won't email him... but if he tries to contact me, I won't refuse contact back... it was his choice to end this, not mine. Hell, I'm even cool with being used as a punching bag... if that's what he needs, then whatever. I didn't turn my back on the friendship, he did - I still consider him a friend, and that is in all meanings of the word - I would go out of my way to help him... if only he would ask. As for everything else - I'm not sure how I'm feeling about this job opportunity I have at the Holiday Inn... it was kindof creepy just being back on that side of town... much less working one city block away from where he lives... Not like I'd run into him in a hotel or anything, but it's still a weird feeling. Somewhat like when he and I were fighting, and I didn't like going down to the creek, or anywhere else in Idledale for that matter, because I was /afraid?/ of running into him. *sigh* *leaves to continue pondering in a safer place - her head* ~~Sarah |
| Humans are creatures of habit... when we try to break that habit, we all too often end up crawling back to it. Proof - Cody. He's the one who said he wanted me out of his life. He's the one who decided to push me away. He's the one who finally came to the conclusion that having me gone would be a good thing - so I did the best thing a friend could do in that situation - I left. He wanted me gone, so I left. Did it hurt? Hell yes. In the past few years I've watched everone I was close to before starting highschool drift away. Was it my fault? Usually. Did it hurt? Sometimes. Cody was my last connection to my past - my last, long lasting friendship. He knew me better than almost everyone... I say almost, because Jackson knows me better, but more intuitivly than by actual length of time. Yeah, I fucked up. I didn't mean to - but hell, this is life, and people learn. And we learn for a reason. It took me a while, but eventually I learned where things were leading - Jackson. I had to go through most of that shit to be able to appreciate him, and to know how to actually be a decent person while in a relationship. *sigh* *makes her typical dramatic exit* |
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