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An evolution in years |
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blank mind, empty thoughts, hollow ramblings "Some nights when it rains I dig out your old pictures and dance with memories sour now with age I wish I could let go and just walk out of this prison this shrine that I have build around my pain" - The Dreaming "I've always been good at helping everyone but myself." - me "God you were so beautiful, 'til I looked in your eyes" - The Dreaming |
| So, I was talking to Munchie over the weekend and he mentioned that Jackson won't talk to him because he has contact with me. The boy's that paranoid. So I'm sitting here thinking: I still post in this journal. I still post on my various forums. I still allow myself to have a life both on the internet and off the internet. If one of Jackson's friends wanted to talk to me, I'd be cool with it. I don't even really care what's happening with him now, as I figure he's either found his way to be happy or he's still an obsessive little kid who refuses to get over himself or any percieved insult to himself. But what purpose does it serve to cut yourself off from people like that? If I tried to contact one of his friends, what would he do? I think it's kinda weird, and it bothers me. It also bothers me that I still have no clue who the people really are who view my journal from time to time and for all I know he's reading this. I don't really see it as fair if he gets to be part of my life and I don't get to be a part of his. It's not right. So I'm seriously considering dropping this journal again. Despite how thereaputic it is to have a place to put my thoughts and feelings on various subjects. I'd move it, but I've found in the past that it doesn't work as well. There's something about the fact that I have all my history sitting right here in this journal. I can go back years now and look at things that happened to me back in my Junior year of highschool. It's something interesting for me and I don't want to end it. I couldn't imagine letting go of something that actually has meaning for me. I wonder what goes on in his head that justifies these reactions. I've been burned before. I've had my share of heartbreak and pain, but I never reacted like this. I find it interesting that he's the only one that hasn't ended up friends with me in the end. Even Munchie managed to stay friends with me. So why has it been so hard for him? I wish I knew, so then maybe I could say the right thing for once. I wish a friendship could have formed, and I at times still hope... but I've given up on it, and I'm not expecting it anymore. Especially if he's going to keep acting like a child over the whole issue. I don't know why I still care. And it bothers me. I'm seriously considering taking my ramblings private again for a while. But then I'd just be sinking to his level. I like having my thoughts here so the people who I want to keep in on my life can read them, but not have to say it all to every single one of them every single time I talk to each person. It makes things easier. "If you don't have the time to read, you don't have the time, or the tools, to write." - Stephen King "Forbidden fruits create jams" - Chuch sign saying "What a strange path I took to find my heart" - Crime and Punishment in Suburbia "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Damn. Ok, I had this all typed out and in typical fashion I lost it at the last second. I'm just going to start again with what I remember as the first sentence and see if it heads in the same direction. Note upon completion: This took 2 hours to write and is 3000 words long and fills exactly 3 pages in arial at 10 point font. All of it is the unadultered truth. ___---===---___ It's been 4 months and I still miss him. I miss getting to talk to him, getting to see him on AIM, generally just... having him there. I watch the couples on campus and I can't help but think that that should be us. He should be here... living a few doors down from me... instead of living 1000 miles away and going to a different school. But, naturally, that isn't true, nor could it be true even if he were here. The life we planned was never meant to be. I could tell far earlier than I would admit that our hopes would never bloom into reality, and that we were doomed... (As Ms Bitter's in Invader Zim puts it: "As I was saying... Doomed, Doomed, Doomed, Doomed, Doomed, Doomed...") Anyway, this isn't to say that I want him back. I want him here... or at least talking to me, but I would never leave Jeremy. Oh, the final irony that the one time I am totally honest is the one time he doesn't believe me... but who would blame him. I know I'm not supposed to miss him... I'm supposed to be that cold heartless bitch that hurt him and doesn't care and frolics merrily out into the forest and does a little dance over the heart I ripped out of his chest. But I was never good at frolicing and I hate dancing in the forest so I guess that throws that plan out the window. I wish I could actually thank him for finally giving me the strength to be honest with myself. I never really allowed myself to do so until I met him. But sadly that strength he gave me was our very undoing so I'm sure he's not to proud of his work. If only he could understand that I knew in Febuary that we weren't going to work out, but I was too afraid to actually voice my fears. I knew in March that I was starting to fall for someone else, but wouldn't admit it to myself. I knew in April that I no longer loved him the way I knew I should, but that I still needed him in my life. I was too afraid to let go of what I thought was the best I would ever manage to get. In May I knew my heart belonged to another, but I stubbornly tried to keep ahold of what little share of good I had accumulated. But June... blessed and damned June... I learned what it meant to be truly honest with ones self... and that ended up letting me be honest to Jackson. Unfortunatly... I should have done it back in Febuary and tried to save him what heartache I could. He didn't see that I was finally being honest with myself, he only saw that I was leaving. He didn't see that it wasn't fair to either of us if I tried to lie to myself and tell myself I wasn't falling for Jeremy. He couldn't see the simple things... Sitting down across from Jeremy at 5:45 as we looked around the restuarant to see if there was anything we had missed... how even on the busiest days the slightest brush of Jeremy's hand across my back would give me the strength to keep going for a few more hours... How worried I was when Jeremy was sick for that weekend and how I couldn't concentrate on anything because I had to know he was OK... Jackson didn't see any of this. Didn't see what a chore it was becoming to constantly have to put up with getting on AIM every night just to asuage his small fears that I would injure myself on the way home. I understood where he was coming from, but it was frustrating to have to deal with it. He didn't see how much of a routine missing him was becoming and how little of a true emotion it truly was. He didn't understand that I had a life outside of him, one which he gave me the ability to embrace, and he didn't like what I had become. Of course, he missed the irony that he created me. He gave me the freedom to finally express myself. Of coure, the Sarah he fell in love with was the Sarah who needed rescuing, the Sarah he placed on the pedastal and tried to worship, the Sarah that was (to quote Stabbing Westward) "Battered and Bruised, Used up and Misused, forced to be someone I don't want to be". And he didn't like what I became once he gave me the freedom to express myself. I became flirtatious (something you quit being when you're in an abusive relationship, as the one before Jackson was). I started expressing my morbid sense of humor (which clashed with his past). I opened up to my more... sadistic? tendencies. I generally opened up, started to say what I'd always bitten back, and finally started arguing. I told him that he was getting too attached, that he needed to find himself... and he never managed to grasp the concept until I forced my support away. And I know I hurt him. I know he has every right to hate me. I know that I'll be sitting in the corner every night for probably the rest of my life trying to get over the only line that has been going through my head this month. I can't write anymore. All I can think of is "I wish it had happened differently". I've written a thousand different scenarios in my mind for how I could have done things... "Maybe if I'd said this"... "Maybe if I'd done that"... maybe he would still consent to talk to me... maybe he would still be there on my darkest nights when I just need to bounce things off someone who is impartial... maybe he would still be here to have those discussions with that I so thrived on. I don't discuss things of any importance anymore because no one has his intesity. No one has his mind... the way he'll grasp onto a concept and shake it out until the whole truth has been laid bare. That's what he did with me, and the truth that came to the surface was a bad truth. And yet, in that final truth he saw nothing but lies and deceit. How could he not? How could he have actually believed those last words? I don't blame him for thinking the tears were a show, the words mere empty sounds meant to dull the edge of the blade cutting into him, the sentiments faked and hollow... but I'm crying now and it hurts just as much as it did that night. Maybe it's the soreness that is constantly there from missing Jeremy's presence. One of Jackson's accusations was that I left him to have the convenience of a relationship that wasn't long-distance. Well, a 3 hour drive is long-distance enough for me to miss Jeremy, and I knew it was right around the corner when I made my decision. If that had been the motivation behind it there are dozens of guys up here who would be much closer than Jeremy, yet I feel no attraction towards any of them. I know that Jeremy's the one because he's the only one who saw right through the masks and to the core and actually managed to fall in love with the hardened bitch I am. Everyone else, when I finally let the shields down for them runs like hell. Oh Jackson, you know you did and you know it scared you to see the real me at the end. The me that knew that the world as she knew it was tumbling down around her and managed to go out into it and manage. Oh, I had my fights with you while I was working, when you would call me (and I nearly got fired for those), but the customer's wouldn't see my tears. No, those would come at 9:30 when the gate came down, I went in the back and collapsed for a few minutes. The tears would come at 5:45 in the morning and sat down opposite Jeremy hashing the whole situation out with him. I looked at the situation from every angle I could imagine, every nuance, every possible detail I could be missing. Jeremy sat there through all of it and didn't tell me anything, didn't guide me one way or another, but just told me I had to figure it out for myself. All I knew is that every time I looked at him my heart broke a little because of all the things I wanted to happen... I never imagined I'd actually be able to get him. I never thought he felt the same for me as I did for him. I had Josh, I had Colin (and what a nightmare that ended up being... if I ever see him again his balls are coming off and not painlessly. Fucking bastard. No means no.), but I never dreamed that Jeremy... I didn't even see what was right under my nose. I didn't notice that the whole time he was watching from the shadows. But now it is four months after everything and all I can think is that I should have been able to handle things differently. If only I hadn't cheated on Jackson, if only I had managed to express myself better, if only... fuck it. I can torture myself with the "if only's" and I have been for months. I can sit here and try to think of ways I could reconcile, but the fact of the matter is that I'm leaving it all up to him. If twenty years from now he decides to look me up and call me then I will embrace it (and don't think I havn't pondered this). If he emailed me tomorrow, a week from now, a month from now... the first thing I'd do is call him and try once more to apologize and see if there was any way we could salavage the friendship I know we were meant to have. If only the pain in my chest would go away for even a few moments, if only I didn't feel as though everything I've gained has been bought with his pain... if only I could know that he understood that I was finally being honest for the first time in my life and that I've held myself to the promise I made myself that day: to never lie to myself agian. I can't lie to Jeremy and say that it doesn't bother me that I'm not talking to Jackson. I can't look him in the eye and say that I'm over our relationship. I can't hide it from myself so I'm not going to hide it from the person I love. All that work, all that strife to get me to be honest and what happens? I turn around and give that honesty to someone else. Damn I'm a bitch. I keep thinking... keep hoping that he might be keeping up with this journal. Goddess knows that suddenly the webpage I found his info on now has "contact info avail. on request"... but that could just be him becoming paranoid on his own. I can wish that he's reading this and maybe getting some understanding from it, but unfortunatly I have that sinking fear that the three views the last entry had were Cody, Munchie and Jeremy. Or some other similar combination. I wish... I wish I could know that everything is working out for him. I wish I could at least have the peace of knowing that he's made a path for himself, and that he's finally embracing his own strength... the strength he imparted to me, the strength he let me lean on to rebuild myself. If only he knew how much I admired, and still admire, him for that strength (among other things). But that's the beauty of it. He is getting his revenge in the best way possible - he cut me out and I will never know. I will always try to follow what I can, but I will never know. And that hurts more than anything else he ever could have done to me. That still cuts at me in ways even he probably can't imagine. In fact, there's only one other person who has even glimpsed what it does to me because he's seen it. He's seen the tears falling down my face and looked in my eyes as I cried. He's the only one who has ever been able to see me for who I am, with absolutly no masks, and been able to embrace it. And he's 3 hours away and probably asleep right now as I try to struggle with these feelings once again. I threw myself into my work for the first month, to dull the edge of the pain I had cut into my own heart. I threw myself into moving the second month to ignore the scar that was forming over that wound. I settled into the dorm and looked around and realized that I couldn't hide from it anymore. I couldn't ignore it, and I spent three weeks with damp pillows trying to come to terms with the fact that I destroyed a friendship more valuable to me than the friendship I have with Cody. And if only he would read this and grasp it... but he won't and he won't and I should quit hoping and erase it all and burn it from my memory. Burn it, destroy it, like he did... but every time I hear any member of the corvvs family 'cawing' on campus I see his face float through my memory. Every time I walk down to Keating alone and eat alone I think that I could have been eating across from him. Every time Kara talks about her Anthro classes I am reminded of his dedication to the field. Oh the irony there! She's going to change her major to Anthropology and specifically study the American Southwest. She'll be focused in archeology, but that was his region... and I know I'll be friends with her for the rest of my life (I'm going to live with her for four years if the plans go right)... and wouldn't it be beautifully ironic if they ended up working together? From the few pictures I have on my computer she thinks he's cute. and I write this and wryly laugh and try to shove yet another possibility out of my mind and burn it all away. If I weren't so damned straight edge (with the exception of the sex thing) I'd just fritter it all away with drugs. I may be in no substance living, but I know it would be all to easy to get it elsewhere. But no, I refuse to do that, and I am left to my own devices to stop the yammering in my head. The yammering that leads to windy entries such as this that make little to no sense when you read them as potentially coherent thoughts. No. I should stop typing. I should quit pouring it out, because that only makes the speculation worse. "Maybe this will be the entry to change his mind"... but it is a false hope that I will never win. It is the very thing pulling me down every time. I should quit, like I have before, and just keep moving on. But I can't cut this tie that easily. It's still painful to dredge up a memory that suits a conversation. It's still painful to recal the shape of his face and the way his hair fell across it. Those memories still sting and I want them to go away because they hurt so much... so much... and no matter how much good is in my life right now (and there is more of it than I could have possibly imagined) that pain doesn't fade and doesn't go away and isn't any less painful... in fact, with each passing day it grows more painful. Oh, mashiara, you have concocted a truly divine method of punishment... oh, and the irony of the term "mashiara"... how I managed to select the very thing it became... ("mashiara = beloved of heart /or/ a love lost" - Old tounge dictionary, WoT) a love lost... did I ever tell you that one, Jackson? no... a prophecy filled that I didn't even realize I had made. So goodnight, and whomever reads this understand that I'm am not letting go of that hope. I'd rather die of the pain from those cuts than allow them to scar over. I finally got rid of my scars, and I refuse to be left with new ones. So if this pain destroys me so be it. I have the pleasure to balance it, I have the one person I need to bring sanity to my life... but I will carry these particular wounds with pride, knowing that I could burn them away... as I so wish I could... but that I'm stronger than that. I could destroy everything... but then I wouldn't be allowing him his victory. and that victory is the least I can give him. I'll hurt for you Jackson, for as long as you choose. And I'll let you win this one. "If you don't have the time to read, you don't have the time, or the tools, to write." - Stephen King "Forbidden fruits create jams" - Chuch sign saying "What a strange path I took to find my heart" - Crime and Punishment in Suburbia "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I did it again today. I sat down on google and typed in the word "Corvvs". This time it came up with something new. Texas Tech. At least I know now. I wonder if I'll ever be able to just let it go. I hate this, I hate that I feel like I'm betraying myself by still wanting to be a part of his life. Not like I was six months ago... but at least part of it. I got so close to him... *sigh* If we hadn't screwed it up with emotions, we could have actually made great friends. Stupid emotions. "If you don't have the time to read, you don't have the time, or the tools, to write." - Stephen King "Forbidden fruits create jams" - Chuch sign saying "What a strange path I took to find my heart" - Crime and Punishment in Suburbia "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I walked down to keating just now, thinking to get something to eat. I looked around, and nothing, absolutly nothing, looked edible. It wasn't that it didn't look good, or that it looked horrid or anything, I just didn't want to eat. Anything. So I got myself a plate of fries, ate one, nearly threw up, and put my tray away. I'm hungry, but nothing tastes right, or good... and it's not just that keating's food sucks. I've bought food and thrown it away because it just... it doesn't stay down. I've had a headache for three days now, and it's still not going away. I wake up with it, I fall asleep with it, I suffer along with it... It's still here. I'm getting bloody noses again. Stupid dry weather. The edges of my mind seem hazy, dim. I can almost feel myself melting into my surroundings, falling away from reality. I've been listening to my CD player again as I walk from place to place. It's an all too easy way to isolate myself from the world, and provide a soundtrack for everything going on around me that I'm watching. I watch from the outside again, I'm not part of the scene anymore. Kara walked in the room around lunch time today, didn't even say hi, dropped her stuff off and went to lunch. I'm starting to wonder if she even saw me. I've never felt disconnected like this. I know people are there, I can feel them... my empathy works for that. But I don't feel like a part of the picture. I don't feel like I've meshed in right. I'm not here. A good part of that is probably because my heart is somewhere else. It's a three hour drive to the west and an hour long phone call every night at nine. My connection to the real world isn't by my side anymore and in missing him I'm missing what it feels like to be really alive... really feeling... I never knew that before and I never missed it before. |
| I don't get the mentality of the people around here. "Let's go to Kareoke! It will be fun" Later, at kareoke... "I don't want to preform, I'll make a fool of myself." WTF!? What's the point of going to something if you're not going to participate? If you go to a game, you cheer, if you drive half an hour to go up to a festival, you bloody well don't stand around in the street while the festival is going on around you talking and NOT JOINING IN. If there's a bonfire and everyone is dancing around it, do you just stand around and watch? Do you at least bother to sway to the beat? Or do you stand in the back and just chat with your small group and ignore the entire proceedings? I don't get it. If I go to something I expect that I'll jump into it, but does that EVER FUCKING HAPPEN?? no. Because while everyone is being negative about it they don't realize that I'm sitting there saying to myself "come on, if just ONE of you would bother to join in with me this might actually be fun." But they don't. And I don't see the point in standing up and doing something if the people I went with don't also participate. That's what sucks around here - everyone expecting others to do the participating for them. IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY. Tonight was a perfect example. "Well, we're getting started here in a few minutes, if anyone wants to go just bring your slips of paper up with your song". No one moves. Everyone in the crowd is murmuring "I don't want to go first." Hell yeah, I'd go first... If a single one of the people who volunteered to go with me would actually say "Ok, go turn in the slip" when I asked them if they were ready. Instead, "Well, I'm not sure I want to now, I think I'd rather just watch others sing." OH! and when I ask this illustrious group what the point of going to kareoki is?? "To watch other people sing" WTF? I thought the point was to actually have fun and maybe participate yourself. The whole way down there they were talking about wanting to sing. The second we get there... "Oh, I don't want to." FUCKERS. I'm sick of the insepid negativity. If we're going to dinner, the food sucks. If we're sitting around, they're bored. If we go to the volleyball games (WHICH btw, we're basically dragged to by the twins), the twins complain about the benches. If we go to movie night the movie isn't one they want to see (though we've had the schedule for weeks and weeks). If we go to Denver they complain about the size of it (HELLO?! It's a city, of course it's big), or they complain about the trip (they've known both trips that it will be at least a three hour drive), or they complain about the time spent (again, something we accounted for in the first place). If we're bloody walking across campus to get to the union or the cafeteria, the walk is to far. If we bloody do ANYTHING it isn't good enough for them. It's like they're set on not enjoying anything. BUT HERE'S MY FAVORITE ONE: The twins CONSTANTLY talk about how much better things were in the canyon. Cally complains about the weather (hello? the major selling point of this college is the snow... if you talk to ANYONE they tell you how cold it gets). Both of them constantly talk about how much prettier the canyon was, how much nicer it was down there, and they constantly say that if x person were around it would be so much more fun, etc. If they wanted to be around them so much, why didn't they bloody well go to the school nearest them? I mean, I love both of them and I'm glad Kara is my roommate, but it gets exhausting after a while. It's like they refuse to adjust to life up here because they'd rather be stuck back in highschool. And every time I walk out of something that they dragged me to, I get labled as the loner. As the person that doesn't want to participate. As the negative one. If they could only listen to themselves for ONCE. They have no idea how exhaustive it is to sit there and try to have fun while they're doing nothing but bashing the whole proceedings. Eventually you just get sick of it all and decide to walk out because I sure as hell don't get the point of sitting there and trying to have fun while they're bitching and moaning and tyring to bring you down. why bother going in the first place? Maybe I just need to get to know other people. I kinda snagged onto this group because it was so convenient. But I've never been good at that and there's no real hangouts like I'd usually go to in Denver. Damnit I miss Denver. At least there I knew where my group stood. I could count on being able to see Jeremy when I really needed it, instead of counting down the days to the next weekend when I'll be down there or he'll be up here and I'm FUCKING SICK OF IT ALL. I want to be home, which is paradoxical because I love everything about this school except the fact that it's so far away from the people I really care about. And I'm trying to get people up here, but I can't depend on this group for shit. They're not really good at the listening thing (They like to take things off into their own issues or just tell you to fucking get over it), and that's if they're even around half the time. I miss home. I miss being able to have people to go to. And now it costs me, albeit alot less than others up here thanks to my cell phone, to even talk to them. OH, and the cell phone is an issue in and of itself. On weekends they're all over it because they can call people for free, but the rest of the time they like to proudly proclaim "Cell phones suck" and insult me for having it all the time. My "leash" has become more like a fucking choke chain around this group, an easy way to blatantly insult me. At least with the insulting of my real group of friends I knew it was just playful, but half the time up here you know it's honest and direct and they fucking mean it. Fuckers. And I don't even know where the good hiking places are around here so I can't just take off and hike until I get to a calmer, happier place. Which sucks. *sigh* "If you don't have the time to read, you don't have the time, or the tools, to write." - Stephen King "Forbidden fruits create jams" - Chuch sign saying "What a strange path I took to find my heart" - Crime and Punishment in Suburbia "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| ... is the way people will overreact to just about anything. Jackson is slowly deleting his blog because I broke up with him. He deleted his writing.com account because I broke up with him. I just don't understand it. I've been heartbroken before, and I get that. I don't get this overreaction to everything that had anything to do with said person. Hell, I still have a dolphin glass etch in my window at home that Anthony gave me. I still have a variety of things that Mengqi gave me. I still have things from Jackson in my room. Hell, I brought something he gave me with me to school and it's on top of my desk right now. I don't understand this need people have to try to erase the past. No matter how hard you try to make it go away you can't ignore the fact that the past is ALWAYS there. I have things I sure as hell don't want to remember, but that doesn't mean I go destroying things. It's not going to make it go away. I can't help but wonder if the next girlfriend he has will be told that she's his first. If he'll block my memory out to the extent where he refuses to recognize it as happening. Which, naturally, makes me wonder if that's what happened with me. I know he destroyed everything pertaining to me. Which actually pisses me off because I sent back EVERYTHING that his mom asked me to send back, plus a few things that I'm sure she didn't know I had. If he asked me to return anything, I would as soon as I could afford postage. And all I asked was for him to return a small dolphin statue of mine that I'd given him. And he outright refused. I have the distinct impression that it was the first thing to get smashed. When I think of everything I went through to try to keep that relationship together, it bothers me. I can't remember when I realized it was going to shit, but I remember having a bad feeling right from the start. I dive into these things too quickly. Sometimes I wonder if investing any time into these things is worth it. But that's what's ironic. I don't even really have to do anything for Jeremy and I's relationship. It just works. If we miss calling each other one day it's not the end of the world. Yes, I miss him, and I'd be much happier if he was here, but it's not the end of the world that he's not. We're managing to see each other pretty frequently, but we'd still survive if we didn't. I can joke with him in my own sense of humor and not be afraid of freaking him out. If I'd told Jackson something along the lines of "Then we went and watched scott play pool, and every time he went to line up a shot Cally and I would lightly place our hands on his butt... man did that freak him out." he would have fallen down where he was standing and given birth to a cow right there and then. He could never understand that aspect of my sense of humor so I toned it down for 10 months and became the most conservative version of me. I hated it. I hated not being able to really let myself out, let myself go. You need that in a relationship. It doesn't work when you have to be someone you're not. We tried to pretend we were perfectly compatable, but we were so far from it it wasn't funny. When I met him I was pretty beaten down. My personality had been degraded to the point of exhaustion. The day he met me I was tearing my arm into mincemeat and seriously looking at suicide as an option. I'll openly admit that I latched onto him. He was my way out. I didn't think that at the time, but it was the way my subconscious was working. I'm not sure what his motivation was, but the obsession thing got really old after a while. Note to guys: if you want to keep your girlfriend, DON'T smother her. It's the fastest way to lose them. Ok, enough with Jackson, since that's the tip of the iceberg, and I'm just now starting to really think about these things and I want to let myself decompress at a reasonable rate. Next chunk of the iceberg: Cody. Of all my friends, this guy really has overreacting down to an art. I love him, yeah, but he's really good about freaking out over the smallest thing. And heavens *forbid* anyone say anything even remotly negative about him. I'm sorry, hon, but last year you told me you'd been pretending to be my friend just so you could hurt me more. That tends to really screw with the trust thing, especially when your chosen profession is ACTING. I still find myself questioning how much of how you act around me is real and how much of it is you acting. And the whole trust issue about that from last year is the FIRST thing on my mind. Next bit: Clay. He got all pissed at me because I wanted to study instead of going to a fucking barbeque with him. I'm sorry, I'm in college for a reason. And what right does he have to tell me how I should be living my life? If I want to study at night instead of in the afternoon when it's sunny out and I can enjoy myself in nature (which is a heck of alot more important to me than spending $5 to eat food I don't really like in the first place), then that's my fucking choice. As it turned out, because of his overreaction I just ended up spending the day inside studying so I could avoid him (he got me angry and that's never good), and went swimming during his precious bbq. I've had my times of overreaction, but about 4 months ago I figured I'd just stop caring. If people want to get me upset, they can try. They may succeed on one level or another, but as far as this overboard "all or nothing" response... I just don't get it. Time to wander toward class. "If you don't have the time to read, you don't have the time, or the tools, to write." - Stephen King "Forbidden fruits create jams" - Chuch sign saying "What a strange path I took to find my heart" - Crime and Punishment in Suburbia "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| why do people get angry with me for actually closing my door and studying? do they think they have a right to interrupt when I am in the process of actually *gasp* learning? isn't that why we're here in the first place anyway? and why the hell do they think a fucking bbq is going to convince me to NOT study? fuckers. "If you don't have the time to read, you don't have the time, or the tools, to write." - Stephen King "Forbidden fruits create jams" - Chuch sign saying "What a strange path I took to find my heart" - Crime and Punishment in Suburbia "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I've been keeping this journal for far too long now. It scares me. I have entries in here from so far back that I was still totally in love with Anthony. I have entries from my hating him. I have entries from dating Munchie. I have most of my recent life in here. And it's entertaining. Especially now that I'm in a place that only one other person from my former school attends. I'm sitting in my room alone (for the first time in days basically). And I'm still adapting to not having ANY privacy. I'm listening to the CD from my freshman year of choir. I remeber standing next to James learning Kyrie. He moved my sophmore year and I lost total touch with him by the next year. I never wanted to lose touch with him. Part of me is tempted to track him down. But I'm not even sure how to start, or what he'd think. I talk to Anthony from time to time now, but I havn't really talked to him in a long while. I keep thinking I should call him one of these weekends, but I never do. I remember standing in that choir with Mr. Arnett and singing my heart out. I remember being so dissapointed when Mrs. Willmarth destroyed that love for me. I don't have anything anymore. All of my 'good' friends from highschool barely talk to me anymore with the exception of Gaite. And even that communication channel is breaking down to a certain extent. And when everything is breaking down into chaos around here... FUCK I've even managed to alienate Cody, methinks. Of course, I do that about once a year, but I still hate it. I should be used to this by now. Ah well, just the drama queen in me. I'm starting to get that feeling again - the one where I'm standing and joking around with people and then I'm also in a corner watching myself and wondering what the hell I'm doing. I don't feel connected to myself again. Maybe I'm just lost in the corner's of my mind again. It's been a few months since feeling like this, and I hate it. The impalement sensations are returning in force, which just gets odder and odder. I don't know what it means when you have ghost sensations of impalement through your wrists and chest. I guess... I don't know. It's odd though, and I know it directly relates to mood. I can write again, at least. I've been focusing on my novel for the most part, which keeps me with a pen to paper, but I'm journaling again, which helps. It's been a while since I've been able to just sit down and type. Maybe something's loosening up in there. *sigh* Where does everyone go? where do I go? "If you don't have the time to read, you don't have the time, or the tools, to write." - Stephen King "Forbidden fruits create jams" - Chuch sign saying "What a strange path I took to find my heart" - Crime and Punishment in Suburbia "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Isn't it interesting how online journals can get you to type things that you wouldn't ordinarily tell people. And then when those people read your journal you realize exactly why you wouldn't have told them in the first place because they would have totally misunderstood what you were saying? But the funiest things of all are when you could have sworn you'd marked that entry "private" so that the rest of the world couldn't have read it. And it's even funnier when before you can fix it, the person you specifically DIDN'T want reading it, reads it and it fucks things up. "Rescue me from this black hole that's sucked me and left me dying" - Stabbing Westward I really should just put that to private now, but what's the point? Maybe it was a subconscious thing where I realized that it was probably what was best in the end since he's obviously feeling tied down by me on some level (and yes, Cody, I do still think that's what the true meaning of that dream is). The best thing is that only TWO people read that entry and I know who both of them are and I know that no one I don't know reads this journal. And if they do, I'd be surprised to hear from them. So this really is just as though it's private and only a few people read it. It makes no difference. I might as well just use this as a convenient way to send mass messages about my life. It's not like anyone would really understand the true message anyway. That's what journals are for. I tried making it private and I got yelled at. I was told that I needed to let Cody keep reading it because it kept him connected to me. And a few others said the same. So I made it public again, and now Cody yells at me once more. SO FUCK IT. It's staying public. Because if it's public I get bitched at about wanting to spread my life across the internet (which, btw, isn't happening to the extent he'd love to believe it was. I know no one gives a shit about what is going on in my life unless they know me and enjoy over analizing my journal entries as being exact thoughts and not just quick emotional ramblings). If it's private I get yelled at for cutting people out of my life. And I'd rather just not go through the effort to have it private. It's so much easier deal with when public. So Cody, give it up. I know you're hurt, I know you'd like to think I'm upset and never wanting to talk to you again, but you know what? Even though I'm kinda pissed about the whole thing where you try to undermine my opinions of the guys I'm dating (and let's not get into this argument, you know me well enough to know that I won't let something die if you hint at it and then say you won't tell me when it deals ONLY with me), that doesn't meant that I don't still consider you my best friend, it doesn't mean I've pulled down the picture of you I have by my bed, and it doesn't mean when people ask me about that picture that I don't tell them that you're my best friend. BECAUSE YOU ARE. Everyone has their issues, and I sure as hell have mine, but I still trust you more than I trust myself and I still want to hear your opinions even if they are based in the fact that you barely know someone. Get over yourself. I still love ya. "If you don't have the time to read, you don't have the time, or the tools, to write." - Stephen King "Forbidden fruits create jams" - Chuch sign saying "What a strange path I took to find my heart" - Crime and Punishment in Suburbia "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I got here and everything was great. My roommate rules, my Roommate's twin rules, and her roommate was cool too. We quickly formed a pretty tight group, and I'm making tons of friends that just kick ass compared to some of the assholes I had to call 'friends' back in Denver. And then the shit, naturally, hits the fan. It turns out Lisa (my roommate's twin's roommate) can't afford to attend and leaves. Now it's not nearly as much fun. And it's been raining ever since. And it's a fucking COLD rain. And I was talking to a guy on the floor who was originally assigned Jackson as his roommate and got the cancellation notice like two days later. That kinda sucked. And here I am still actually checking Jackson's blog with regularity, on the off chance that he decides to go back to blogging, but he hasn't updated in well over a month and I'm giving up. I really fucked things up, but that's life and I did it for the right reasons. It wouldn't've been right to pretend that everything was allright and we were getting back on track when I realized I was falling hard for someone else. And yes, I have fallen pretty damn hard. It hurts to be away from Jeremy and I hate it. It never hurt like this with Jackson, as much as I hate to type this when I know he could potentially be reading this journal now and could get hurt by this but I've stopped caring. At least I am still writing my feelings and I actually manage to keep my life going and I don't bog myself down in one person and forget who I really am and pretend to be something I'm not just to keep said person happpy because my happiness so depended on their approval. And you know what? I wasnt' the first. He placed his happiness in everyone's hands but his own and I recongnized that and I also remember going through it and he'll never be a balanced person until he realizes that error. But, of course, as I say all of this I realize that I do still care and for all I know he's lying in a ditch somewhere slowly dying. and I wouldn't even be told if he was. Fuck me for still caring. Why is it that I always care too much and no one believes that I care in the first place? Damnit. Oh, and here's another good one. Cody is pulling his "I don't trust the person you're dating" shit again. He always manages to do this right when he thinks I'm starting to want to run. He did it with Jackson ("Oh, he's probably good for you..." became "You're just doing this again and you're going to do nothing but hurt him") and he's doing it with Jeremy ("I like him he seems cool" became "I dont' trust him"). And he hadn't even seen Jeremy in the meanwhile. If he had any kind of basis for this beyond some kind of fucked up dream which he probably made up on the spot to freak me out, I'd be wondering. But the issues is he's done this for years and I never noticed because he was perfectly timed - I was always looking for a reason to run by the time he started bringing these BS concerns up. But I'm not running this time. Which does two things to me - first, I realize that I'm not running, which is an interesting phenomenon which I'm still trying to understand. Could it be that I actually LOVE Jeremy? And for once my heart and mind actually agree that the answer to that question is undeyably YES. The second is that I'm starting to get sick of Cody's BS. He has no right to be pulling this stuff when I'm still calling him my best friend. Well that designation has passed on until he realizes that he's not in control of my happiness. Fuck him. Other than that, college life is great. "If you don't have the time to read, you don't have the time, or the tools, to write." - Stephen King "Forbidden fruits create jams" - Chuch sign saying "What a strange path I took to find my heart" - Crime and Punishment in Suburbia "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
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