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An evolution in years |
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blank mind, empty thoughts, hollow ramblings "Some nights when it rains I dig out your old pictures and dance with memories sour now with age I wish I could let go and just walk out of this prison this shrine that I have build around my pain" - The Dreaming "I've always been good at helping everyone but myself." - me "God you were so beautiful, 'til I looked in your eyes" - The Dreaming |
| So today was beautiful. Clear skies, warm weather, slight wind, all in all perfect. I was walking back from class to observe my roommate and the rest of the group from my floor sitting around on the lawn outside our building. Feeling oddly social (especially given that I'm starting to get sick of this particular group), I sat down and relaxed. In this small circle was sitting a guy who I have seen around, but hadn't really talked to before. As a result of the conversation in the group he and I began chatting. Well, lo and behold in the middle of our conversation (which ended up migrating to and from the supermarket since I realized I still needed food for dinner), I find out that he actually ran in the same circles as some of Jackson's friends from up here. He had met Jackson at Ian's funeral even. He knew immediatly who I was talking about because one of Jackson's few good friends up here was his best friend. *hums "It's a small world"* It was a really odd feeling. Especially considering that I constantly heard about Ian from Jackson and basically ended up feeling like I knew the guy. It was really interesting to get a different view of him, and the most interesting thing was that they both basically said the same things. On top of that, this guy has very very similar mannerisms as Jackson. Really reminds me of him in an eerie way. All in all, an interesting day "If you don't have the time to read, you don't have the time, or the tools, to write." - Stephen King "Forbidden fruits create jams" - Chuch sign saying "What a strange path I took to find my heart" - Crime and Punishment in Suburbia "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| So the trip I was going to take over spring break got cancelled. I was going to get the fucking awesome chance of a lifetime to take a 1 week rafting trip down cateract canyon for $99. Apparently there wasn't enough interest. So now I'm going to Santa Fe instead. Here's the interesting part: Jackson thinks I'm not going to be anywhere near Colorado for any part of spring break. Now I have to spend two days in Denver, and I have alot of errands to run in town. So the likelyhood of my running into him just went up. He's going to be less cautious now that he thinks I won't be around, and I have to get these things done. It would really suck if I ran into him. "If you don't have the time to read, you don't have the time, or the tools, to write." - Stephen King "Forbidden fruits create jams" - Chuch sign saying "What a strange path I took to find my heart" - Crime and Punishment in Suburbia "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Sometimes I wish there was a simple way to get what's stuck up in my head to go away. I want the memories to go away. I'm sick of the little flashes of memories. I'm sick of replaying in my mind all the little moments of happiness that torture me and I want them to go away. I'm tired of fearing what scenario my brain will splay across my vision as I sleep. I want it to be over with. Him emailing me did help in some ways. I'm infinetly more settled into my relationship with Jeremy as a result. I have begun to realize that I can't blame myself for everything that went wrong in Jackson and I's relationship. He knew going into it that I disliked any kind of serious commitment. He ended up obsessive and suffocating. Interestingly enough, Jeremy started with the same information and has been amazing. He gives me my space when I need it and I love that. And yet these memories persist. The dreams continue and I am left with yet another night that I don't want to sleep, but know that I eventually must. I still find myself brought to the point of tears by certain songs, and in the 8 months that have transpired since Jackson and I broke up, even more songs have been released which remind me to such a degree of our relationship that I find myself torn between not wanting to listen due to the emotions evoked and a desire to listen perhaps simply because I almost revel in the fact that I am able to feel that pain. I spent so many years numbed to the pain that at this point it almost feels good to be able to experience it. I'm not sure that's a good thing, but there it is. And in an even more interesting irony I find it harder to hold myself back from the knife now than when I was attempting to numb the pain. Before I cut because it made it easier to ignore the pain. Now I want to cut because it will acentuate the pain. I hold myself back now for one simple reason - I can't do that to Jeremy. I'm so sick of these lows. I'm sick of knowing that at any moment they can strike out of nowhere. So I sit here, sleepless. "Cruel Intentions" is on the TV (fittingly) and I am typing during the commercials. It's so interesting that it is during these periods I express myself the best. Though I cannot express my thoughts in one coherent pattern, it is the only time I will sit down at the computer and be able to let my thoughts simply flow. It was times like this that I used to want to crawl into a corner and just wait to die. I think, if not for Jeremy, that I would still feel that way. Having him takes that edge off. I'm not sure I even realize how much at times. Soon, I will force myself to sleep simply because I told him that I would. I keep the sharp and pointies away from my arm because of him. I will wake up in the morning, look at his picture and for at least a short while be able to forget about the dreams. I find it interesting that I thought the dreams would stop. They did stop, for a while. I wanted them to stop. I don't even have coherent dreams anymore, just splashes of the memories I try so hard to repress during the day resurfacing at night. God... why won't the memories just go the fuck away? I can still see, with perfect clarity, the look on his face when I arrived in Houston for spring break... for pearl jam... all I want is for those images to go away. And yet they are still here, they still haunt me. Well, the movie is over, and I still don't want to sleep. Isn't late night television interesting? I basically have my choice between a infomercial for a roaster, a sexual enhancement supplement, and a program on the Food channel that I've seen something like six times already. I could watch MTV After Hours, but they play a very high percentage of rap, and that is just annoying. Well, off to chat with the little sister and perhaps sleep. Though the sleep thing is looking less and less likely to happen. Night night. "If you don't have the time to read, you don't have the time, or the tools, to write." - Stephen King "Forbidden fruits create jams" - Chuch sign saying "What a strange path I took to find my heart" - Crime and Punishment in Suburbia "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Yesterday was a major milestone for me. I finally closed the whole Jackson chapter of my life and I've now moved on. Interestingly enough, his communicating with me accomplished basically just one thing - it reminded me exactly why I fell in love with Jeremy, and as a result I basically fell in love with him all over again. I can't wait to get back to Denver now just to see him. After everything that has happened over the past two weeks (and it has been far more than just Jackson contacting me), I miss Jeremy so much... I don't think Jackson's intent was to make me fall even more in love with Jeremy. I'm damn sure his intent wasn't to make me totally get over everything I did to him. Yes, I cheated on him, but so what? It was a mistake made 8 months ago and it resulted in my ending up with Jeremy. All in all a pretty damn good mistake. Here I am, I am in a beautiful town, I'm surrounded by people who actually like me for the person I am, and I was still hung up over a guy who can't see beyond his narrowly defined views of the world. Jackson still can't look around him to see the beauty of the world surrounding him, and that isn't my fault. Yet up until yesterday I blamed myself. Now I don't understand why. Yes, my cheating on him must have hurt. But it took him 8 months to get over me? If the situation were reversed I'm sure I would have hurt, but I would have gotten over him far sooner. He insists on holding on to things that are gone, and that's not a good trait. At least one of us learned that you can't live in the past. "If you don't have the time to read, you don't have the time, or the tools, to write." - Stephen King "Forbidden fruits create jams" - Chuch sign saying "What a strange path I took to find my heart" - Crime and Punishment in Suburbia "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Just as I always suspected it would, the truth hurt him. All he ever asked for was the truth, and had I given it to him back in March (Febuary?) when the truth changed, perhaps it would have been better, or perhaps we would have not learned what we needed to. As always it is ever about the black and white with him, either an ugly truth or a nice lie... but to be honest there are always the shades of grey. I would rather not say anything that deal with an ugly truth, but I don't see my silence as a lie - it is merely my way of not having to tell a nice lie. It feels so good to be free. Before this the only concern left to me was whether or not he had been able to get past what I meant to him. Now I know that he'll be able to move on and perhaps find the person he really needs to be looking for. I've been lucky enough to find mine, and my only hope for him is that he is able to find is own. The chaos has ended, and it's time to go home. "If you don't have the time to read, you don't have the time, or the tools, to write." - Stephen King "Forbidden fruits create jams" - Chuch sign saying "What a strange path I took to find my heart" - Crime and Punishment in Suburbia "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I have found it interesting how quickly a week you thought was going to suck beyond belief suddenly ends up alright. Yesterday Jackson emailed me. I wasn't quite sure how to react, so for the first time in a while I went totally with my instinct. I called him. Freaky weird. So yeah, I guess things are at least on the path of working themselves out on that front. Which is good. I think (hope?). So here I was thinking it would end up being a really crappy week (things like that tend to upset the whole week for me and if I hadn't called him I'd probably still be freaking out), and then it ends up OK. On top of that I got a call from Comfort Inn to schedule an interview, so hopefully I'll have a job here soon (probably in housekeeping, so that will suck somewhat, but it's something). Even better, Morgan got the call too, so we may end up working together (hopefully hopefully). On top of that Morgan got her single, so we'll have a good hang out from now on. Good Times "If you don't have the time to read, you don't have the time, or the tools, to write." - Stephen King "Forbidden fruits create jams" - Chuch sign saying "What a strange path I took to find my heart" - Crime and Punishment in Suburbia "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Good break, good break. So far one of the best christmas breaks of my life. I managed to clean up on christmas - a laptop and over $250 in gift cards (yay! a laptop! that means I can actually access the internet on a decent machine again! more updates here I come!). As my previous entry shows, I made the deans list (woot!) which means It'll be easier to get into whatever school I decide to transfer to next semester. That makes the stress of transfering a little easier. The trip to new mexico was great. Jeremy's mom is really cool, and i can see from her where he gets a good number of his personality traits (driving like a maniac, for example). It was really cool to get to meet her (well, technically we'd met once before but I was still with Jackson then, so it wasn't like this time - but apparently she noticed how much I liked Jeremy right then and predicted he and I would end up together - good call). It was good to get to spent three solid days with Jeremy too. All in all, I don't think this break could have gone better. I really missed a bunch of people while I was in Gunny (Cody, Gaite, Pam...) and it was great to get to see them. Working was great too, I really missed the IYM group, and money is always good. I got offered a job as manager at Games Workshop out of the blue, which would be interesting, since I don't play any of their games. But I could learn, yes, I could learn. Dan seems pretty hell bent on keeping me in the IYM group, so that would be cool, and I know Greg would miss me if I left too. With any luck I'll be able to get a job at one of the IYM locations when I come back from Gunny, and I know Greg wants me back at the Mills. We'll see. Well, I hope everyone out there who reads this journal (what few of you there are) had as good a holiday as I did, and I hope your new year is good too. "If you don't have the time to read, you don't have the time, or the tools, to write." - Stephen King "Forbidden fruits create jams" - Chuch sign saying "What a strange path I took to find my heart" - Crime and Punishment in Suburbia "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Well, it looks like I finally have some good news - I made the Dean's List. Go Sarah :D So with any luck I'll be able to get into a good school when I transfer out of the hell hole. "If you don't have the time to read, you don't have the time, or the tools, to write." - Stephen King "Forbidden fruits create jams" - Chuch sign saying "What a strange path I took to find my heart" - Crime and Punishment in Suburbia "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Dear Someone, I've written dozens of letters I can't bring myself to send. I don't know why I write him these letters. I think I'm trying to be honest but I know the words would just sound like lies to him. I'm starting to realize that I am ready to let go, but I fear that if I do I'm giving up my chance to really apologize. Not that I'm convinced he'd even listen to any attempt I made, but at least I could try. The ravens are all around campus again. I saw them today playing int he field between the apartments and the union. I stood and watched them for nearly ten minutes. For the first time I didn't feel that stab of paoin that accompanies the memories. I regretted that he was missing the sight. I couldn't help but take a long look around and think, "Look at wehre I live. I'm surrounded by all this beauty and he's missing it." I'd feel sorry for him, but it was his choice. I think I would really laugh if I decided to transfer (as I've so often contemplated), because then he would really be missing out for no reason. Life is tricky that way. I don't know why I'm so determined to apologize. I was honest with him 6 months ago (without mentioning that I'd already been with Jeremy for a week - no point in adding insult to injury). I was sorry, I said so, and he rejectged it. I don't really blame him, but oh well. Time to embrace the beatuy that surrounds me in every aspect of life. With any luck he can find the same. I don't really need to apologize any more. I tried. I guess this is what it feels like to really let go and start with a clean slate. No more watching the ravens play with pain in my heart. No more monitoring his blog in the hopes that one day he'll decide to update it again. No more wondering if everything is alright with him. Either it is or it isn't, and it's not like I could really change any of that even if I wanted to. Life is supposed to be beautiful. It isn't supposed to be spent wondering and worrying and thinking about things you can't help. So here's to the beauty, Sarah "If you don't have the time to read, you don't have the time, or the tools, to write." - Stephen King "Forbidden fruits create jams" - Chuch sign saying "What a strange path I took to find my heart" - Crime and Punishment in Suburbia "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Dear someone, I'm not sure what to understand anymore. I'm not sure if anything I do anymore is what I'm supposed to be doing or if it is any way right. I guess that all rests on what you believe is right. All I know is that I think I did the right thing, but that over 5 months later it still hurts. I still have those moments when memories will float through my head... how it felt when I walked into the baggage claim and saw him... what it felt like when he would come and wake me up over spring break... what it felt like when I was driving up to his grandparents house the first day of christmas break. When will these memories cease to hurt? When will that little voice at the back of my head that refuses to shut up stop saying that maybe, just maybe, I did the wrong thing? What could I have done? I knew everything was falling down the drain and that nothing was what I thought it was. Maybe I still like the person I was trying to be when I was around him. Maybe I liked the more sedate version of me, the version of me that was alot easier to live with. I still can't at myself in the mirror without some kind of distaste at knowing what I did. I wish I could know if he's moved on. Maybe that would help. Maybe if I knew, then that part of me that says I should give up and just crawl back to him... I HATE THAT PART OF ME. I hate being so torn when I know in every fiber that I belong with Jeremy, that I could never hurt him and that... I could never leave him. Even the idea of doing that to him hurts me in ways that this doesn't. I just want that pain to go away. I want to be able to like myself again. and I'm seriously, wondering if that will ever happen. FUCK it all, Sarah "If you don't have the time to read, you don't have the time, or the tools, to write." - Stephen King "Forbidden fruits create jams" - Chuch sign saying "What a strange path I took to find my heart" - Crime and Punishment in Suburbia "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
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