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 |  Blog and other works of literary sense |
| Here is a collection of ruminations and whatnot. |
| I'm still awake and it's almost midnight. I'm feeling sleepy which seems to contradict my first statement. Such is my mind. I have had a snack which was a good one. I'm trying to see in the freezer where my stepdad stored the sausages he bought from the store. I'm more inclined to eat those instead of the same old eggrolls. I wish I could have the energy to make some pancakes. We have enough flour and surprisingly my stepdad bought more flour. I suppose he was forgetting we have still some flour. We haven't got yeast which we can't have bread straight from the bread machine. I don't mind making some bread. The bread my stepdad buys is passable. I could have made some breadsticks which I liked when I made them. But the problem was that the breadsticks had to be baked in two batches to fit the toaster oven. I think it might be best to have nothing at all to do but see what might be happening in the news tonight. I saw that this president demoted the man who was his campaign manager. Then I saw that the governor from some state who attended the Tulsa OK rally of this president come down with COVID. Others from that rally also came down with it. It's quite a scary thing. I don't know what is coming to this world of ours. I guess that is why I don't go out much. I went out yesterday with my stepdad and the pups to get some cash from the bank machine and I gave some to him for the house. I haven't done much else in terms of housework. I have cleared the sink at least once in the last few days. We keep piling more dishes in it and pots and pans, but that's not a problem. I once had a thought there was a neverending chore of washing dishes and getting the laundry done. And the trash to collect and throw away. I said to myself, well, it makes sense because there are people who live here and have to use things up as they do their living. I don't wish to sleep but I wish to rest. I might take a pain med so I can be comfortable when I do relax. I think one thing I ought to remember about my writing is that I'm retired and so I don't have to have a schedule to do it. I ought to take time to relax, and enjoy the free time to do nothing. I've been working since I was in college, and some of my jobs required me to be prompt and do things quickly. It was that habit that I got used to doing and so it might be that I'm struggling with this sort of transition into being really retired. I'm guessing that I don't have a real career but a hobby as a writer. I'm not treating this as seriously as I used to. My pension seems to be at least stretchable to three weeks and only one week is a gap of having no cash at all. In which case I just don't spend anything. Nobody really spends much in this house. If something breaks down it's usually my stepdad who pays for it. He does sometimes ask me to help and that's when I have some cash to give him every month. I've been fortunate that there's money to keep the pets fed. Well then I guess I'd better go get some sleep. Or at least have a night's rest. I'll try to listen to the rain as it still is pouring outside, but now that I'm attending to it, there's not a great deal of rain merely the sound of a relentless dripping outside. must go now. |
| I'm working tonight. I've made a newsletter. We have submitted screenplays to film festivals in the USA. I think it's exciting. I'm sure that there's a lot of competition, but it's fun to do. I'm able to do it at least this one time because I got my pension and the entrance fees are not that high. So, we will find out sometime whether we got anything for our efforts. I think that I've gotten away from writing screenplays. I think when the Muse is inspired I could write another screenplay. I do'nt have anything in mind now. I guess I could try to free associate. Something that is a scifi thing or maybe some sort of espionage thing. I don't know. My novels are sounding all the same but I guess it's just another thing that I have to work out. My personal life is rather crazy in my mind. Haha. It's difficult to explain how some people write to expiate some problems they've not been able to work out. So they come out with a novel or some other form of fiction. I was unfair to some singers who have used their broken heart love affairs to come out with a new song or collection of songs that might get some sales in the stores or iTunes. However I do not like that some of these people go in and out of love affairs just to get a song out of them don't you agree? It's a matter of principle. I don't know whether these people do this intentionally it sounds like they might do it. I guess I'm not a popular person with these bastards. I don't have a lot of espionage experience but I've at least read a few books like James Bond or watched something on the TV. I remember all those detective shows on the tube which my stepdad and I liked to watch every week. It really kept me from doing homework. I could have been a better student had I not watched TV so much. But, I don't care. I had a decent GPA. I don't mind the crap I went through in college. It's just great that it was a cheap school, and I was able to pay off my school debts. Well, not all of it, I"ve gotten into another degree so I need to pay that off. it's rather expensive. A California school. I did not go to graduation. It was in San Diego. I would have loved to see San Diego. I saw someone's home or was it an office that was pretty. Near the beach. The thing I want to do is to get to some sort of collection of thoughts and wits so I can at least write some prose. I am somewhat distracted. I wish my brain would get with it. I've had so many negative thoughts that have rained on my mind. I feel as though that atmosphere above my home has a density of ions that are negative and they focus on my mind. I know it's rather silly to think it that way. I don't have any real way to explain better. I know that I have to move to another place - or another country. To escape this raining of negative ions on my house. I can't afford it now. I need some cash. I hope that the screenplays will win some cash. I don't know how much the prizes are. I did some research on screenplays that have made a mint. Someone's screenplay (I can't remember his name or the movie it became) fetched over a couple of million dollars. Some other blog said that an average screenplay pays about $50K and after taxes it comes down to $35K. I can live on that amount of money all year. I haven't any vices nor other habits that would suck that dry. I guess it will have to come down to whether these two screenplays will get some attention. I was also followed by a French production (film) company on Twitter. Recently. I was very flattered. I have tweeted that I want to move to Paris or Montreal. I'm learning French. I think that if things jive together I could land a job with this film company and then write screenplays (not always in French) for them. That would be so awesome. To live in Paris. And writing screenplays. I hope that they'll still make movies. This COVID is a very sad thing. I see people say online that they've resumed filming in Canada. I do not know if that's true. How on earth can anyone decently do a film having to deal with the COVID problem? Money for films and then the movies and the theaters. How can anyone get any money from movies and moviemaking? And then those football and baseball games? Who's going to see these things? And that Indy 500 they say it's been postponed but I have not seen anything about it. It's very sad. Oh well. I don't know what people are going to do. What we can do. It's raining now. It's thundering too. Raindrops dripping incessantly outside. i don't mind it. I like the rain actually. I think one time I bought some galoshes from Amazon. The day after I got these, it rained buckets. It was so cool I could wear these to work. I was so happy that day. I don't think it rained that hard after that day. Oh well. I still have those galoshes but I'm afraid they're no longer pretty. i don't want to move to any other place in this country. I think all the places I'm considering are about the same like my city. Only bigger. The troubles in mine would be the same or worse in other cities. It's depressing. I wish I could be assured that other cities in the USA can be safe havens for people like me, who are dogged by bad thoughts. I can't live in this city. The bad thoughts have been so difficult to cope with. Some of these thoughts are ghosts of old people and my evil stepmother. I get a lot of disparaging thoughts from her direction. She never really liked me but she sure fooled me and everyone. But I'm thinking that she didn't fool God at all. Well, I'm going to see about taking a cig and ruminate on the rain. I hope it rains all night long. I think it might be nice company. Bye now, Mary |
| After midnight and having coffee and a cig. I'd had a few things to snack on. Listening to some pop music. Not sure what I want to do but I had a longish nap and now I'm wide awake. The knee is somewhat smarting whenever I do some unnatural move so I have it somehow immobilised so that it doesn't bother me. This pain has been around for some time. I suppose it's something I've got to live with and I take several doses of pain meds during the day and before I go to bed (so as not to make it pain and awaken me). The pups usually are in bed with me, and the smaller one likes to jump on me which is rather jarring. I never really complain, and don't tell him to stop doing so. I've tried to tell him to behave other times and he seems to have no real reaction so I'm thinking he's still too young somehow to listen. The pup likes to chew up things. I have several holes in my mattress due to his chewing habit. So the bed has gaps and I'm afraid he'll eat me out of the mattress and bed and I'll have to find another place to sleep. I don't wish to sleep in the living room couch. I've had enough of that in my last few years. The last time I tried to nap in the couch I was deluged with depressing thoughts and it drove me out of the couch and I sought refuge somewhere else. In the kitchen, more likely as not. But I can't tell the puppy no for some reason but I have tossed him back to the floor when I've felt he'd eaten enough of my mattress. Sometimes he behaves and does not do this chewing but he's rather intent on it. He's also quite intent on bending the frame of the mattress. And then, he's also got hold of my nice (and now sad looking) leather boots, my nice boots that I bought not long ago from a nice department store, and some jackets. He's eaten through the zippers of these, also a few purses, and well, he's rather a destructive yet loveable pup. When he behaves he's really good. He also has a habit of chewing at the hem of some dresses (new ones too) and so they all are looking ragged. He's a good pup and he does obey when I say No in a certain tone of voice. He's also rather fascinated with my cat and they've tussled a few times. The cat is rather a peaceful one and social with me but this pup has probably never met a cat in his short life so he's interested in him. When time comes to feed the cats, he likes to jump up and try to go after their kibble bowl and their tails (I have a second cat who hates him always - she's my older cat) so I had this idea that he wants to eat their kibble. It makes sense since the one cat likes to eat dog kibble as well (he's shared my first dog's kibble bowl in the past) so I've given some cat kibble to my dogs when the cats get theirs and it seems to at least distract the pup and leave the cats to eat. The most extreme thing I've done is to leash the dog and tie him to my chair in the kitchen so he doesn't get at the cat. I've been to pup classes with my first dog Duke and they suggested having a belt and tie the leash to it and then have both hands free to give treats as we walk. Walking the dogs has been rather a bit difficult. My older dog Max has rather a strange way of walk behavior. I mean, when I first got him and we would walk, he would refuse to walk and so I gave up walking him. He does well without a leash - keeps to me but he likes to dash away and back several times which I'm nervous about lest a car come round and get him unawares. I've gotten a leash and collar for him (the pup ate his collar and ruined it so I had to get a replacement). When we do go for a walk (which we haven't done in ages) the older pup is sedate in walking and the younger pup is raring to go, straining at the leash and producing a rather unequal pull on me. I've been half stressed by this and yet at times it does go well enough. But with this knee acting this way, I'm afraid I'll get into a pickle with walking the dogs. The last time my pup was weighed he was 15 lbs heavy and I imagine that this weight pulling at the leash would possibly cause some unsteadiness on my person so I am also rather concerned about that while walking. The pups like to play during the day and hare about the house so they do get activity that way. |
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