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 |  Blog and other works of literary sense |
| Here is a collection of ruminations and whatnot. |
| I'm noodling here. But I'm getting the impression that my stepfather is interested in me romantically. We didn't have much of a relationship when i was in high school. Once he said something to me that I hated and I told my stepmother that I hated him. She tried to pacify me. Later on I decided to think of him as just like any Dad in some other person's life. He was there but not always interested in what I did. Our family was friends with others who were immigrant families, Filipinos, who were fond of puttting together parties. When we'd attend, I'd be with my girl friends who danced with me (we didn't have boyfriends then) and sometimes my stepfather (who I did not know was my stepfather then) would invite me to a cha cha dance and I'd dance with him. Nothing much there really. He and my stepmother followed me to the east coast when i worked at yale. I had gotten into a car accident and I assumed they wanted to be closer to me when something like that might happen again. Thank God it never happened again. I had got sick and finally got away from yale and went to work in Sloan Kettering. I didn't have a lot of one on one with my stepdad. Just had dinner with them both, and sometimes when I'd go with friends to the Opera, he and my stepmother would come and pick me up and drive me home. Everything happened with my stepmother. When she passed away, I had the idea that he didn't know what to do with me. He retreated to himself and then he said he'd cook dinner. I wasn't that good at cooking at the time and only knew the usual stuff, spaghetti and lasagna et cetera. So we'd go to the Barnes and Noble sometimes during Sundays to have coffee a tradition that had started when my stepmother was alive. I was interested in reading and looking at magazines, stepmother liked to look at cookbooks, and stepfather would look at magazines like stuff with guns and so on. It was a normal trip. We'd also go for lunches after church, while stepmom was alive and after she passed away I continued to take stepdad for lunch. but that went away when I lost my savings and there wasn't any money left. Besides the restaurants had begun to pall and I didn't enjoy eating there. They were all too dull by the time I decided never to go to a restaurant again. I made my own meals at home. Stepdad was not happy when I decided to quit going to Mass. I would take him to church sometimes nd then go to the bookstore or library and pick him up on the way home. I was worried he'd be in an accident going home. After all he's 91. But I didn't keep doing that. He'd gone on his own and I was left in the house. Now he doesn't attend Mass anymore. He likes to pray the rosary. he said to me that the rosary was for me. He said he was unhappy that we had got into bad luck with our finances and other house breakdowns and he told me or implied that it was because I left the church and that I had to reconcile myself with the "blessed mother' who was the Virgin Mary. I'm not sure why people are gossiping about my stepdad and me. I do not want to give the impression that he's somehow having a bad relationship with me. i hate the idea. I'm going with Colin Firth. He's the only man I want to have in my life. |
| I finally told my stepfather that i was bored with eating eggrolls all day all day.He's now got a few things on the list to buy. I've had to go back to my old myfitnesspal account so I can keep track of my diet. I'm hoping to get fit and ready for the big move I'll be making. I' want to move to Paris someday. I hope to get some sort of income from a job when I live in Paris. It won't be working for someone in Paris as they want people who are good at French. I'm looking for a remote job where I can live anywhere in the world while doing it. If I am lucky I'll be able to find a remote job and then I'll be able to get to live in Paris. It is not an impulsive idea to live in Paris. I cannot live in the USA. There is a strange thing in the atmosphere here in this place I live in and I think it's everywhere in the USA. There might be something in the water, or some other atmospheric problem that nobody knows about. I know that they put up a structure called NOAA. This is supposed to deter nuclear attack from happening to the USA. They put up NOAA during the time when people were afraid of nuclear attack. I can't pinpoint the time when it was put up. I think that NOAA has an electron structure which somehow rains down electrons on the earth below it. These electrons land on structures and people creating a depressing effect. I'm one of those who's become a 'victim' of it. I've been sad a lot sometimes I have these ghosts who come to haunt me. I wonder if these ghosts are made up as holographic things to make me afraid of them. I'm not sure how these holographic images get to be with me occasionally. The effects of these images make me sad because when I see them I feel pains in my body. It's not a sci fi thing, it's what's happened to me. I can't connect it all but I do know that there's some sort of unseen campaign from somewhere to make me sad all the time, discouraging me to work on my writing. My novels are somewhat started but they're sitting uncontinued. I don't feel able to continue these. Memories come to haunt me from my past life, my lost love affair, my unhappy origins. These make me think of the sad lost life I have had. I don't like how I'm going on with this life. It's most probable that I'll end up letting that dark night overcome me and I'll be dead. I'll have to pass on and that is that. There will be rejoicing over this achievement that these people who control the holographic images, these transitory pains that I feel. It's not a good thing to write about but I have nobody to talk to about it. If I did that, they'd say I need to go and seek treatment. I find that seeing a doctor is another hurdle and I do not feel that I'll get good health care. I can't afford good healthcare. I have a meager income. The last time I saw someone who was a nurse practitioner at the clinic I used to go to, I had to pay them $230. That nurse practitioner gave me a bad drug to take. I reacted to it and I felt such a lot of pain from this medicine. That's why I can't trust anybody who's an MD or Nurse in this area. I'm not taking any meds anymore. I'll merely have to rely on God to take care of me. I hope to live another day. But it is making me wonder why am I still alive. It's making me think that there is a vision that God has for me and I hope that is true and I hope that this vision is something that will make me happy. I cannot work at all I can't feel able to do stuff in the office, I don't know how I'll be able to fulfill the duties of what God wants to go into, if that is what he wants me to do. I guess you might know that God wants me to go to England and become Queen. I don't want to be Queen. I think that it is going to be a lot of discipline and pomp and circumstance to become Queen. I'm not into that sort of thing. I don't wish to do what the Queen does and those who went before her. I hope that you can pray for me. I don't feel too happy. I'll just have to do what I can do here in the kitchen. I could go and try to rest when it gets too overwhelming, these bad thoughts, these holographic images and these sad memories that these bad thoughts want to put up in front of my mind. Memories are bad things if they cause you sadness. It's the work of the evil thoughts. They think that you're going on the right track so they make you remember something and it starts to grow in you mind and you get sidetracked. I wish to leave the past behind. I want to go forward. But I'm thwarted. I have no real goals to go after. I wish there were some but I'm finding it difficult to think of any. |
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