Every year we get the decorations down from the attic I see they are getting tattier and tattier but the kids just won't let me throw them away! So we patch them up and I hang them on the very dodgy unsymmetrical tree that they convinced me to buy!!
How can something so fun be so stressful?!!
Thank you for making me laugh today and remember some good family times!
Alexors
"WDC Power Sig"
The following comments are intended to be helpful. They are only my personal opinion so please feel free to ignore them if you wish.
I really enjoyed your poem.
The imagery you have used transported me back immediately back to my school days sitting endlessly waiting for the bell to ring so i could escape!
The third line of the second verse caused a slight bump to my ears. I think that this is because it contains only seven syllables when every other line contains eight. It is such a small bump it's hardly noticeable you might decide that its not worth changing.
Thank you for a really enjoyable poem and causing me a moment of nostalgia today! Alexors
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The following comments are intended to be helpful. They are only my personal opinion so please choose to ignore them if you wish!
I love this poem. How many of us have ever wanted something we can never have?
Why is it the more we want something the more unattainable it becomes and, the more unatainable it becomes the more we want it until we become consumed!
This poem really made me laugh! Why is it when i'm trying to write something that doesn't rhyme, rhyming words are all I can think of, and when I want a rhyme not a rhyme can I find!
My favorite part is the second verse. This made me laugh out loud.
I really enjoyed this one. Thank you.
Alexors
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The following comments are intended to be helpful. They are only my personal opinion so please choose to ignore them if you wish.
I really enjoyed this poem. The imagery you have used is very powerful. The tension builds throughout the verses just like a powerful storm building before it lets loose upon the land.
My favorite part is the last verse. How many times have any of us got so angry with someone to find them grinning back at us, infuriating!!!
I have no suggestions for improvement.
Write on. Alexors
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The following comments are intended to be helpful. They are only my personal opinion so please choose to ignore them if you wish! I really enjoyed reading your poem. I found it very poignant and true to what many of us experience at one time or another in our lives. I noticed that you haven't used any punctuation. This may have been intentional and views about the need for it in poetry differ vastly I have discovered! The only thing that caused a slight 'bump' to my ears was the repetition of now in the 11th and 12th lines. My favorite part is the first four lines. I found these very poetic. Thanks for sharing. Write On. Alexors
The following comments are intended to be helpful. They are only my personal opinion so please choose to ignore if you wish! You have managed to build up the tension really well in a very short period of time. Unfortunately I have no idea what 'Grey Poupon' is (I'm in the uk Perhaps we don't have it here!) which kind of spoiled the ending for me. I was a little confused as to whether the great outdoors was just the title or if this was part of the story if so it takes you over the 55 word count....so I guess not!. The short sentences work really well and I think the Bang! Crash! ups the tension well with very few words! Thanks for sharing. Write on!
The following comments are intended to be helpful and are only my personal opinion so please feel free to ignore them! I really enjoyed your poem. The imagery you used was very vivid. How true it is that we often look but don't really see what it is we are looking at! I did notice a couple of typo's : The second line of the second stanza I think should read growing and briefcases is missing the first e. If you are American I think color is right(if not it's colour!). My favorite part is the first first. It really grabs the readers attention encouraging them to read on. Thank you for sharing. Write On
This is a lovely poem. The imagery of the child playing was very vivid. The following comments are intended to help and are just my personal opinion so please choose to ignore if you wish! The first first has eight sylables per line and therefore has a set pattern. The second verse does not have a set syllable count which doesn't necessarilly matter but does cause a rhythm change which made my ears 'bump' a little. My favorite part is 'Then stopped and giggled with delight,
At little orbs of glad sunlight' This conjured a very vivid picture in my minds eye! Thank you for sharing. Write On.
I love the idea behind this poem! How true that what is something perfectly ordinary by day becomes something much more ominous at night. I always think Its the price we pay for having an imagination!! The following comments are intended to help and are only my personal opinion so please choose to ignore if you wish. The flow of the poem is really good. However the line 'Did it just move a little?' caused me to stumble a little as it doesn't follow the same meter as the previous lines. You might consider changing this in order to help the poem flow smoothly from beginning to end. Ultimately it is your poem and you must do what feels right to you. my favorite part is
'There's a small hole in the ceiling,
Right up above my bed.
In the day time I don't mind it,
But, at night, I wait with dread.'
This flows beautifully and immediately grabs the readers attention and draws them in! Thank you for sharing. Write on
The following comments are intended to be helpful and are only my personal opinion. So please choose to ignore them if you wish! I really like the premise of this poem. How true what goes around comes around, or at least I'd like to think so. Your poem does not seem to have a set rhyming pattern or syllable count. Despite this i still feel that it reads well. I didn't really understand the line 'now he'll do a bid' This may be American colloquialisim (if so I apologise) but it seemed as though you were trying to fit in a word to rhyme with did. If this is the case you might consider changing It as the poem doesn't have a set rhyming pattern and a different word may make better sense. my favorite part of the poem is the second verse. I think that this flows beautifully and is very poetic. Thank you for sharing. Write on.
The following comments are intended to be helpful. They are only my personal opinion so please choose to ignore them if you want! This poem is very vivid and very intense. You portray the hopelessness of the situation poignantly. The repetition of she and But to start the lines is very effective. I think the first line is meant to say screams (a simple typo?) something about the last line causes a bump to my ears. I think maybe it is the word 'only' Perhaps 'someone' would read better (just a suggestion ultimately its your poem!) I really like the fact that you have veered away from the repetition in the last line. This helps to give it extra impact. Thank you for sharing. Write on.
The following comments are intended to be helpful and are my personal opinion. So please choose to ignore them if you wish! This poem is very powerful. The language used portrays a strong underlying anger. I was a bit confused by the penultimate line. I read it several times and was still unclear exactly what you meant. My favorite part is
'Use me for what?
The lay down
The feel good'
I think this flows really well and is very poetic. Thank you for sharing. Write on.
I love this. It's really good. I love the way that you have actually told us the end of the story at the begining 'a family thing' but we don't yet know it ! I think this makes the twist all the more effective.This is my favorite part ' The first shot hit him in the chest. He dropped to the floor and Cheryl ran to him. screaming his name. He looked like a Brian, a dead Brian.' I did notice that screaming needs a capital s unless of course you meant the full stop (period if you are in America) to be a comma? I really enjoyed this and can't wait now untill I get some time to look at your port. I've made this review public in the hope that it will encourage other people to read your work! Alexors
The imagery you have used in this piece is extraordinarily vivid. I think that you have described perfectly the terror of mental illness. Just a small technical point. You need a few full stops (periods if you are American) at the end of sentances. The last line sums it all up for me. How can something be so real and vivid and yet not seen by others. thanks for sharing. Write on .
Your imagery is wonderful. The language you have used in this poem transported me immediately back to my childhood. I did notice a couple of things (please remember the following coments are intended to help and are only my opinion) I think reminds should perhaps read 'remind'. I also felt that the repetion of away didn't flow as well as the rest of the piece perhaps you might concider changing the second line of the last stanza.. This was a lovely read. Thank you for sharing. Write on.
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