This seems interesting. I wasn't sure what I was reading. Is it a start of a book or a summery. I love these kind of stories and would love to read more. It would be interesting to see what you come up with.
Great little skit I like that. I read it over my morning coffee.
One thing, this should be in two paragraphs. When the story switchs to the boy, that should be a new paragragh. Makes it flow better for the reader. ;) When you switch to a different character start a new paragraph.
Like this
A mother and father lovingly tucked their son into bed, singing to him, and kissing him goodnight about a zillion and a half times. Finally, they left him to sleep, and stole one final peek at the boy, before shutting the door behind them.
When they were gone, one eye shot open in the darkness. He stopped to listen. Was there any stirring about? Were his parents still up?
I really like your detailing. There is a lot of it but its simple and you make it easy to easy to flow through. 'Goes with the flow'
This morning when I arose from the moss, I followed the stream into the forest, watched the colors, smelled the aromas; investigated movement, questioned. I talked to the trees and questioned the everlasting. Slowly answers come; colors get brighter, smells become both more sweet and pungent, movements more sinuous and undulating - the glory of change and novelty. And the unending questions, the multiplying unanswerable questions that Gaia asks of herself and of me, as I am now, an integral part of nature.
I really like this paragraph. Its almost like a poem but in the form of a paragraph. nice
This is really good. I defiantly followed along with the story. It has a good feel to it.
Right off the bat though is a little confusing to the reader.
If you see the start ....Looking up from behind my computer screen, I saw one of my best emergency room nurses. She calmly walked past me carrying a limp baby in her arms. We made eye contact. I could see the fear on the nurse’s face. Her facial expression said, ‘you better come quick..
Calmly walked past him? She is in fear, Wouldn't she rush past him in an emergency? It would be a great opportunity to bring your sorry to life.
Also You'd better come quick... she wants him to come quick but she is walking?
I Was jogging around with my eyes this morning while drinking my morning coffee and came across your profile. I read some of your other chapters but they didn't really catch my interest. This one did though. I can defiantly see a big change in your writing. You are defiantly on the right track here. This one flows better, has more detail and is well written. Describes more of the story line aswell.. Excellent!! Keep writing!!
Great story! I enjoyed that over a coffee thank you for sharning
I noticed alot of detail with in the story and you dont really need to go into that much detail.
EX..
Mike carried the basket in his left hand and offered her his right arm. Jill took it and he led her down to an open patch of grass, near the lake. They found a flat surface and Jill spread out the blanket. It looked big enough to cover a king-size bed. She stepped out of her shoes, and slid her bare feet over the soft, suede surface. Jill moaned appreciatively at the softness under her feet. Mike took off his own shoes, got comfy on the blanket, and watched her slide her feet over its surface. He motioned her to join him, patting the empty space on the ground beside him. Jill made her way over and sat down with her legs folded to her left side. Mike smiled at her, provocatively rubbing the lid of the picnic basket........
Save yourself the time in discribing the detail.
You dont need to let the reader know which hand is doing what. Let the reader use there imagination. Size is of no imporantce (the blanket). She took off her shoes. The reader knows her feet are bare.
The word 'feet' is said twice in the same paragraph.
This has a really nice flow to it. You keep the reader moving ahead with the story. I don't post if i don't like it so good job. Though in the beginning where you wrote ' I remembered other things about the day, things I tried to forget. ... I thought you were going to go right into the things you didn't want to remember but you didn't and it set me off the story a little bit. I had to skip by some parts to get to what he 'tried to forget.
You have a really good flow of writing. I think your writing is detailed well thought of. You do mention things twice which forces the reader to pause for a moment. For instance *"Almost done, let me clean it up for you." And walked towards his car on the opposite side of the street.
As Ronnie was walking towards his car a bright light flashed for a moment.* You don't need the Ronnie was walking toward his car. Maybe replace it with something else. Everything else had a nice flow to it
Happy Easter. Your work is Well written and this is a great site to start. People will comment on your work and give you advice. Take it with a grain of salt and learn from it. It will improve your writing!
Advice from me .. You could change this sentence......Little did she know, that Nolan Brady has carried a torch for her for over a decade. When the pair are together, the sparks fly and the chemistry is undeniable. .
When people are together and there is chemistry they know it because they feel the others attraction. There's no mistaking it. You said the "sparks fly" so she did know that there was an attraction. So saying, I was reading along and at first she didn't know and then she did. So that a little confusing.
Cute, I enjoyed reading that! Mom and son seem to have a good relationship!
Some mistakes i have noticed..
-Yawning sleepily he stretched and rolled out of bed. you need a comma after sleepily.
- "It's not a monster, it's a raccoon, a raccoon is nothing but trouble. He's eating my raspberries." should be -"It's not a monster, it's a racoon and racoons are nothing but trouble. Instead of a comma put and... it helps the flow of your story.
Hello i enjoyed reading you story, It has a really good flow and cept my attention
Although, this sentence seems to be out of place = Genevieve got up and joined the two at the window. I think it's because you are having the charters report the story but this sentence looks as if you are reporting the story, If that makes any sense. Maybe it would sound better to say Genevieve got up to join the two at the window.
I like your story flow. Though there are a few mistakes maybe you should go over it once again.
Jess moaned rubbed her temples > Jess moaned, rubbing her temples.
Closing her eyes Jess nodded. Jess nodded as she closed her eye's. It looks like though those are just missed mistakes because it's done mostly correct just a few areas that are off. Sometimes it takes a second pair of eye's
That's cute I smiled when I read “Come on! Come on! What are we waiting for?” I love that!
You need an { s }on parent.... whats posted > and my parent right behind them>
And Also... And right there talking to the man, doesn't seem right. The flow is great unlit I got to that part. maybe you could change it to talking into the window or something.
Need a comma after hill... When we got to the top of the hill, I could see..
But it's great and i enjoyed reading it!
There are alot of mistakes in the story. You have a lot of misplaced words and periods. Treat it as if you are reporting from yesterday. Example.. Today> I a bike. Yesterday> I a bike
For instance : at the table like a big happy family just mom, dad my brother and my sister.
... at the table like a big happy family. It was just mom, dad, brother and sister.
If you pause briefly when your telling the story, put a period.
I was beginning to wonder what is going on it seemed like everyone else knew why we were doing this.
I was beginning to wonder what is going on. It seemed like everyone else knew why we were doing this.
I look up from my plate and say to her “I’m just really tired it has been a long day
I look up from my plate and said to her, “I’m just really tired. It has been a long day.
You need to do some editing. Interesting story though.
I'm glad you posted this. I love crime stories. It say's it was published by someone else, maybe you could do a little research and publish something on how you feel about it and what happened. I would love to read about something like that.
It's a little confusing, the Knife is you brother and your running with him in you hand? And this deer, I don't get it. Anyhow it is well written your word's flow easily over the page. Maybe you just need a little more detail. Maybe I'm missing something
Nice peom I enjoyed reading it though. Im not a poetry writer but there are some thing's you could change
EX: He enjoyed the isolation he had got .. "got" just sound's a little to boring to the reader. maybe you could use "sought" instead or a different word. to help it flow better. :)
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