This was a fun wee read. Everyone likes a good ghost story.
You did a good job with the few touches of Scottish dialect in the piece.
Some spelling and grammar errors let the story down a little and it could do with a little more originality, still a fun read though.
Suggestions
'Sams house' Sam's.
'Need some help[,] lass'
'Are you from Scottland' No, I'm from Scotland.
'Aye[,] lass.'
'with a slight bow that she thought was a little strange, but okay!' You've used a lot of exclamation marks to end random sentences, a full stop/period would have done in most cases.
'There's no need[,] lass'
'I really appriciate your help' appreciate.
'Can I at least offer you a ride somewhere.' question mark?
'“If the broccoli hadn’t already turned my stomach, I do believe that dress would have done the trick!' That's a funny line.
This is actually quite a sad and poignant piece. To begin with it reads as if we are having a little laugh at the gossiping old ladies, but we grow to sympathise with their plight. It reminded me of parts of a film called 'In Her Shoes' (one of my girlfriend's 'chick flicks').
It was a nice little read.
Suggestions
“Why[,] Pearl, who do you mean?” Think you need that extra comma in.
This was a fun little story, although fitting in those prompt words made it read a little oddly.
I thought the characterisation was good and there were a few amusing sections in the dialogue.
One thing I might question is the part where Joe's Long Johns are left outside to freeze. If it was cold enough to freeze long johns, surely the frost would damage the prize pumpkin too? I'm no horticulturalist- maybe they have special pumpkin blankets or something.
Suggestions
'but winnings not the only reason' should be winning's as in 'winning is'.
You did a good job of squeezing in those seen prompts, although it did slow the flow when you popped in the 'damndest thing...' one. The rest were all seemless.
The characters and situation seemed realistic. The story had a nice sense of drama all the way through.
Overall, an enjoyable read.
Suggestions
'Even if helped arrived, Chris knew it would get here to late' help and too.
Nice piece of writing, Kiya. I could tell you felt strongly about this one.
Wouldn't it be nice if it were so simple? There are so many forces involved now that it over complicates the issue.
You made good, clear, concise arguments here. The piece was delivered in an inquisitive and conversational manner - you were asking the reader what they thought.
Overall, an interesting and thought provoking read. Oh, and you made good use of quotes, too.
I thought you captured the air of Jimmy's rabal rousing speech perfectly. It is a tricky thing to give the impression of a powerful public speaker in a story and you do it very well here. You can feel the increasing waves of support he gets, too.
I was actually thinking of a very similar idea for this prompt, a little play on the 'Small Rebellion' part of it. For this reason I guessed the ending of your story before I even started reading. I still thought you executed this piece very well though. The rising tension and characterisation were perfect.
Suggestions
Your punctuation was spot on this time. My only suggestion is where you kept using the term 'the group'. I found it became obvious that something was being with held from the reader. Try changing it up a little, the crowd, the baying pack, the hoard, that kind of thing could work well here.
The style of the piece was very conversational and made for a pleasant read.
The prank was original and the description of it informative.
Overall a fun little read.
Suggestions
You haven't given the item a rating. I think 13+ would be suitable, although it could be 18+ due to the contraceptive device mentioned, maybe check the ratings guide. I don't think all members have their accounts set to view unrated items, so it could bag you a few more reads.
I spotted a few typos:
'his drivers seat' Should be driver's.
'to loose his cool completely.' I think you mean lose.
'In those days, before electronic ignition[,] systems cars had a distributor' I'd pop in that extra comma as you are portioning off 'extra information' here.
'and of Crosse he touched the wire' you mean of course, of course.
'Well[,] come Monday' pop that comma in there.
'refused to hear the case[,] so it was transferred' another comma.
This was a pretty fun little read. The narrator was very over the top - part fun, part annoying. It definitely added a new dimension to the story.
The pace moved along pretty nicely too. Again, a lot of this was due to the lively narration.
I enjoyed the story.
Suggestions
'Well, I tell you[,] looking for Monsters maybe fun for about two days' Needs an extra comma.
' I just stood
there watching.' You took new line in this sentence for some reason. You should maybe have a quick look over the item as it appears to readers - I also saw you'd missed a line between two paragraphs.
'Slowly[,] a shiny gray brown head' Needs a comma.
'This was what my mom and dad was looking for' Should be 'were looking for' although this story appears to be told by a young girl, so maybe it's supposed to be like this.
'My P.E.
Teacher, who tells Me that' Another little hiccup, a line space in the middle of a sentence, I think this is just when you copy pasted the piece. Like I said, take a quick look through the item to check it's all alligned as it shoulg be.
'Well[,] fine' Needs a comma.
"Watch out[,] you Monster! Here I come[,] ready or not." Needs those commas.
'I didn't know what to use as bait[,] so I tried lots of things' Comma.
Nice use of description in this piece. It showed good use of imagination.
The pace moved along well and you captured Mense's sad existence just right.
The only point I would raise is the description of Loch Ness as a 'pitifully small loch.' I can assure you it is far from small (23 miles long), maybe it just seemed this way to a sea monster used to the open ocean?
Anyway, a fun wee read. Good work and well done on the win.
I found this a fairly dark and interesting read. The drama and tension of the situation worked well as the reader waited to see how it turned out.
However, the story line was quite melodramatic and the epiphany moment of the main character seemed to come at an odd time. Just when he was at his most irrational and dangerous he suddenly had a very logical insight.
Overall an enjoyable read.
Suggestions
'She couldn't understand[,] my jealousy proved my love for her.' Needs a comma.
'Your the kindest man I've met' You're, not your.
A few times I spotted a space after an opening quotation mark, for instance, " You can't let women push you around..." I think these were just typos, but they made it look a little untidy in places.
This is a good example of a dialogue driven piece.
You built up a nice little sense of mystery. At one point I was thinking 'Not another Harry Potter style wizard story' but you redeemed yourself in the end.
The pace moved along pretty nicely and there was some good use of imagination in the piece.
Nice word play. A fun wee read.
Suggestions
Didn't spot anything technical. Maybe you could have added some more imagery at the expense of some of the dialogue.
You really got the tension going the whole way through. The characters and dialogue worked really well too. You captured the contrast in the two men really effectively.
I thought this piece worked really well, and had exactly its desired effect. A really fun little read.
Suggestions
'Yeah[,] sure' Comma.
'Though he [had] worked for Lin Hui’s corporation almost five years' I think you missed a word here.
'why would I do that[,] Mr. Williams' comma.
'You see[,] Mr. Williams,' comma.
'from the Caucasian business’ that Lin controlled' There definitely shouldn't be an apostraphe in there. I think maybe you meant businesses?
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1115385 by Not Available.
Wow, now that's how to write an opening! First two lines are superb, faultless in fact.
Seriously, though. You did a good job of supplying a little mystery at the same time as defining your character in the short course of the first paragraph. He is very easy to picture in both appearance and manner. Good writing.
You also used great description setting the scene of the decaying building. It is very realistic. Good use of detail.
The little interuptions in italics work well, providing a growing sense of tension in the piece.
Hmm, pretty gruesome.
A very enjoyable read this one. It wasn't clear how it would turn out until the very end.
This was a pretty interesting piece. It reads more like a biographical work than a work of fiction. There are no real indications in the genres, etc. if this is the case or not, but it seems very realistic.
The style is quite different, like we are reading someone’s journal. It did feel like the reader is being told the story rather than ‘shown’ it, but it suits the piece well.
The story maps a complex field of emotions as it explains the failure of a relationship. In 600 short words we are taken from the joys of a new relationship to its seeming demise.
The character work is interesting once again, as are your observations on relationships. The narrator possesses a form of hard-earned wisdom. The woman in the piece uses every effort of diplomacy to make the man happy, but in the end it is not enough and she must surrender before giving in too much.
The opening scenes set this one up nicely. There is an inevitability to the climax, but the reader is guessing the whole way through just who is going to 'get it'. Great stuff.
I think the piece captures the senselessness of violent crime, but also the frustrations of poverty. Two families with clearly little money choose very different paths through life. Or did they choose?
At times this story is touching, grim and horiffic. A gripping little read.
Suggestions
'Maybe he could leave a little early today, he thought' In this case, I'd use I instead of he in the thought. This is because I would treat this as 'indirect speech', Officer Allen is thinking this, he is not likely to think of himself as he, is he?
'calming his daughter[,] Katrina' comma.
In Robert Gonzales' first section the daughter's name changes from Katrina to Kristina.
This piece reminded me of Graham Greene in both style and theme. You capture the sense of foreign lands, placing the reader right amongst the heat and the culture clash. Another common theme in Greene's work is adultery and infidelity. This features from the very outset of the piece.
'It was also a time in my life when it was easy to blame others.' Good characterisation. You work well with the narrator, giving away just enough about her, but not too much.
I found this piece to have hidden depth which increased as the story progressed. At first it might have been a tale of lust, but it turned out to be something far greater. It offers non-traditional ideas on the notions of love and faithfullness. However, these ideas are well presented. The story is excellently written, gently paced and leaves the reader thinking. The characters and plot have a believability and realism, despite the unfamiliar ideas. Great work.
Suggestions
'She had been polite but icy[,] which was understandable.' I'd put a comma in there.
'I said[,] in my sweetest[,] most annoying voice' I'd definitely put the first comma in, at least.
'Where is he[,] by the way?' Another comma.
'then she[,] I thought[,] should keep her ways.' More commas. This time, the two for one deal!
A dark tale this one. Given more impact in light of recent events. Although you wrote this before hearing about them. Coincidence is a strange thing, huh?
The part that really stood out for me was your use of narative voice. It really fit the character well. This provided realism to the piece.
The ending is not the most original, but I didn't see it coming. You pulled it off really well.
I only spotted one error, you need a comma before 'dude' in the opening paragraph.
Overall an interesting and thought provoking read.
I liked the use of narrative voice in this one. It adds humour to the story and allows it to unfold in just the right manner.
There are a few little stand out phrases in the piece, a particular favourite was 'I never liked the little rat demon', great description of the mutt.
I found this a very enjoyable read. you gave it a nice touch of mystery making us wait to see what fate had befallen old Brucie. And I didn't spot any errors.
Good use of description in this one, the prompt really required this.
You gave a good depiction of what the world might be like if you lost the ability to see colour. The final paragraph adds a touch of humour to the imagery.
You used realism in a prompt that leant itself more to some kind of surreal subject matter - impressive.
Overall I enjoyed the read and it's definitely a fun excercise to write for.
Suggestions
'gray shiny fixtures, grey curtains, a grey floor...' You crossed the international grey line on that one!
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1115385 by Not Available.
I wasn't around to judge the previous round, but thought I'd pop and review anyway.
Firstly, I must declare my admiration for your title and descripton. Hopefully it will draw in a few readers for you, I know I'd have to take a peak if I saw that description, if I hadn't found the story posted in the contest forum.
Good use of imagination in this one. You fit in a neat ending, too. I was wondering how you were gonna fit in the next 24 hours with so few words left.
I liked the opening section of this one, you set out the scene and characters really well. It's easy to picture and reads very well.
The narrative tone is excellent. It really sets the story apart. I like its informal qualities.
"The green atrocity reads ‘I EAT DOGS - FAST’ in bold white font." This line was very funny and worked on a number of levels.
'Peons like you...' Nice word choice there.
You raise the tension nicely as the money mounts on the table, I found this section a very gripping read.
Overall this isn't a ground breaking or innovative piece. However, it is very well written, the characterisation is superb and it was a realism to it. It is also a very enjoyable and engrosing read. I felt a connection to the narrator the whole way through, you capture and share his emotions really well. Great job.
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