I liked the opening paragraph, it provided a seedy and ominous start to the story.
I found the innuendo a little unsubtle, so it became obvious the reader was being misled, or you were attempting to mislead them. At times it was quite amusing, though.
Overall it was a fun little read. I wanted to see if I'd guessed the ending correctly and the innuendo provided more clues as I went along. In answer to your question, yes, it was exactly what I was expecting.
Suggestions
'The man walked held her chin...' I think there's a word or two missing or a word too many there. Try 'The man walked over and held her chin...' or 'The man held her chin '
'But it never mattered what they looked like, as long as she did as he told them to.' This sentance reads a little oddly switching between they/them and her. It's part plural and part singular. Try 'But it never mattered what she looked like, as long as she did as he told her to.'
'Alexandra could here the tone' Hear.
'Every time it got it went inside, Alexandra trembled.' An extra couple words in there.
First off, good job with the description, I felt I had to find out more.
The opening paragraph combnes amusing imagery with a sense of urgency. Good start.
The story is nicely paced as Sylvie makes her escape.
The ending was pretty weird and random. I'm not really sure what happened here. Is she dead? If so, how? Is this some kind of avenging angel come to punish Lucas? I don't mind things turning surreal, but the story needs some clarification or resolution.
Suggestions
'and escaped out the door','to escape the heat' Escape is repeated very close together here. You should maybe think of changing one of these to provide variety.
The first paragraph made good use of short, choppy sentences to increase the tension. I did feel like it could have been even more effective broken into smaller paragraphs, too.
The tension runs on through the piece as we wait to discover what happened to Piper. Unfortunately, this issue is not fully resolved by the ending.
This was a good effort for a young writer, you could maybe go back and look over it with more experienced eyes. It is a good basis for a story.
Suggestions
A lot of sentences in the story start with the word Piper. you could maybe look at changing some of these to provide variety.
' the nurses face' Should be nurse's.
'injected a needle into her arm' they don't inject the needle, they inject what the syringe contains. You could say, 'stuck a needle into her arm' or pushed or jabbed.
This story has quite a mix of tone for such a short piece. It starts off very gently, although there is an air of sadness, the tension and darkness seeps in as it moves to the inevitable conclusion.
The description indicates this may be a true story, if not it is a believable one.
I found it well written, sad and shocking. Good work.
Some nice character work, too. Timmy and Henry are obviously quite a test for the long suffering Laura.
It's good to read a siple slice of fun once in a while - there's no social commentary in this one, even if it does comment on recent news events.
Suggestions
'her six year old son, Timmy' I'd normally write six-year-old, but this could be personal preference.
'the trip to the sight of the' I believe that should be site.
I think you could make a tiny bit more out of that ending. It was very funny, but very sudden, like you were rushing to get it finished. Maybe save some words near the start when Timmy repeats himself (I know it was funny, but you could get away with one less repetition, I think).
'She said some things that made me laugh and some that made me sorry for her.' This line is very effective, characterising both the narrator and the customer.
The setting and characters in this story are not immediate choices for a gripping story, yet I found it quite engaging as I read. Everything about it is very simple, the message at the end borders on cliche, but it remains a heart warming little tale of everyday life.
It is odd to stumble across a story written in second person narrative.
There is some good description in here, it sets the scene pretty well. I did feel it needed something more, a stand out piece of imagery to bring it to life. The piece relies solely on the description. The section describing the grass probably comes closest.
I enjoyed this little read. It almost takes the reader to the place described.
Suggestions
'A bird, wind, leafs.' I liked this line, but that should be leaves.
'Pansies, daisies, and lilies in all the colors your mind could imagine.' For a descriptive piece I found this line a little lazy, insisting the reader think up the colours instead of suggesting them to us. 'Pansies, daisies, and lilies' did have a nice rhythm and internal rhyme, though.
A tale of escapism. A woman leaves her troubles behind, emersing herself in old movies.
'In their world, everything was black and white.' This was a simple, maybe even an obvious line, but it fit the story well.
The story unfolds quite tragically as we learn about her wedding day. The memories provide poigniant punctuation to the story of the storm.
I enjoyed what you've got so far, a good start to a story. You could maybe mention at the start that this is a work in progress, because it's always a little disappointing for the reader to get to this point and find no ending. Your caracters are interesing and I am eager to find out their plight after the storm.
Suggestions
'lined up in alphabetical order on the shelves, knowing that their replacement would only last so long.' I found this sentance a tiny bit confusing. Do you mean she doesn't put them back in the correct order?
'beast of a man ragging from one tantrum to another' I think you may mean raging, as in rage, rather than ragging, as in rag.
'She gazed through the shadows of her living room, watching for a figure in the shadows' repetition of the word shadows. Maybe try, 'She gazed through the shadows of her living room, watching for a figure lurking there' or lurking at the window, or whatever.
'ready to take up down to safety.' not sure if up is the right word there, maybe them?
'There was only the glow from the paused television.' You can't pause a television, you can pause a video. Or try 'the frozen image of the television'
Would the baby really have calmed with a noise like a freight train going on?
I liked the opening, straight into some effective characterisation.
There was some Bukowski-esque humour in the piece - mainly concering drinking, smoking and fornicating. It was easy to laugh, both with and at the narrator.
The shopping scene was particularly amusing, summing up exactly the male "thoughts" on couches. Okay, maybe if she wanted one with a horrid, floral pattern you'd have chipped in with a no, but otherwise...
Anyway, I enjoyed the story. It had style and entertained me on my coffee break.
Suggestions
'Like any intelligent young, woman and her mild mannered, slightly hung-over boyfriend would do.' Lose the comma before woman.
'The next stop look like the Mexican armada' Looks like.
'because oh the Mexican flags' because of.
'Oh, if only, I had the cash' lose the second comma here.
'both of which who are barely adult-sized' both of whom?
Your title is quite intriguing. I did feel I had to read it and find out.
The opening of the story is good. The narrator has a distinctive voice and she picks out some strange details. I thought the second paragraph was especially good, it conjured up some nice imagery.
'We tried to make our legs bang against each other the way those little metal balls do on that toy.' This image brought a smile to my face.
I enjoyed this story of an oddball couple. The use of description stood out and I found the whole thing quite touching. The story was quite bitter-sweet.
Suggestions
'red and with a picture of a white sailboat' I don't think you need that and in there, although it may have been deliberate to make the narrator sound young and innocent.
Good job with the opening of the story. The writing's fast pace brings out the urgency of the situation and there is a building sense of mystery.
The writing was strong in this story, it carried the tension all the way through.
I found the piece entertaining and suitably grim. A decent wee disaster story.
Suggestions
I didn't spot any technical errors. Although there is a mention of decomposing and the story takes place withing 6 hours, I don't think decomposition sets in that fast.
I'm trying to get back in the habit of reviewing, and I realised I hadn't read one of your pieces in quite a wwhile, Molly. The description on this one caught my eye.
I like the little slice of intrigue as we wait to find out what Sierra had to tell Stone.
That ending was most amusing. Great job of satirising soap operas. I think I might actually watch them if they were more like this.
I found this a very fun little read. I would recommend to both fans and not-so-fans of soap operas.
Suggestions
'I’ve had some bad new[s] today' - Bad news, you missed a letter.
'"I can't talk about this right now.["] Stone stood and held out his hand' You didn't close your inverted commas there.
'a thatch of eyebrow that would have made an lavish mustache on a smaller man.' I liked this line, great description.
You have a way of letting your narrators tell the stories. It gives each piece a distintive voice. Maybe some readers don't like this, but it works well on a tale like this, letting Toby's language provide entertainment and realism.
Anyway, another fun read.
Suggestions
'He could reel of yards' should be off, not of.
'jams on the breaks' You meant brakes.
One criticism I may make of this is that Toby's character is a lot more defined than Rico's. Maybe we could find out a bit more about Rico.
An effective piece of descriptive writing, this one.
I liked especially your shading in the piece: ebon, alabastor, whitewashed. There were many other descriptive sections that stood out, but I liked the contrast here. Ebon and whitewash seeming to represent the extremes of the Queen's sudden change in circumstances.
The crowd scene was another stand out. Your word choice was excellent. 'a horde of wretched serfdom', 'Voyeurs, vendors and pickpockets', great stuff, and nice alliteration in the latter.
I really enjoyed reading this, even though the story was secondary to the writing itself. Great job.
Seems like a long time since I read one of yours, Ernie. I always look forward to it, though. Let's see what you have here...
I liked the gentle story-telling style of the piece. The second paragraph in particular had good use of tone.
The section where Erin's questioning mind earns her exile was very funny.
I wasn't expecting the dark humour that emerged in this piece. It was very well done.
I really enjoyed this one, good job, sir.
Suggestions
'Twenty-four year old, Erin Bellamy, didn’t cry at her parent’s funeral, not one tear.' Uh oh, the first line went a bit wonky. I don't think you need the commas around her name, since she's not being addressed and it should be parents' since it is plural.
I liked the structure of this, good use of internal monologue, even adding a 'second voice' in places.
The tone of the piece is very forbodding. The atmosphere suited it. It worked well.
This was a good piece of horror writing.
Suggestions
You've used italics to signify both internal thoughts and the flash back sections. I found this a little confusing. You could try something else to seperate the flashbacks, something to act as a page break, maybe.
I liked the detail in the characterisation here. The story is told through the narrator's eyes very well. In particular the language and phrasing seem to fit the character very realistically.
The ending was inevitable, but you made it poignant and hard hitting at the same time.
I enjoyed the read, it was delivered in a distinctive and realistic style and captured the tragedy of the situation very well.
Suggestions
'keeping the old nose to [the] grindstone' think you missed a word there.
'getting things ready to be sent [to] Iraq' Think that's another word missing.
'it came to mind while I stand here' Shifting tense there - came is past, stand is preasent.
The piece had quite an odd tone for the main character. Most of the language and description were very formal. His speech contrasted it strongly. I'm not sure if this effect was intentional or not.
The main character seemed a bit of a cliche with his constant use of the words essay (which is correctly spelled esé or ese, aparently) and holmes.
There were a few amusing moments and revelations towards the end of the piece. However, I thought the pacing could have been sharpened up a little.
The story is a good start which could be improved greatly with a few little changes.
Suggestions
'Its mid-day' should be it's.
The opening paragraph mentions 'dewy summer air' and 'afternoon heat'. Isn't dew normally found in the morning, and not during hot periods.
Maybe try and vary the labelling too, he's refered to as the 'young man' three times in the first paragraph, and in the description of the piece.
'the callers’ response' I'm assuming it's just one caller, so this should be caller's.
'the sounds direction' should be sound's.
'The young mans memory' Should be man's.
'in search of [a] lighter'
I also spotted a lot of missing commas. In particular where people are being refered to, for instance, "Look[,] essay[,] you need to get here now, you hear me[,] holmes?”
'Everything in this land seemed so abandon, so alone.' I liked this line. It sat well with the tone of the piece as the narrator tries to capture the innocence and magic of childhood.
The story bubbled along quite nicely as she wandered around her childhood play ground and the memories it held. I liked the way nothing quite seemed the same - we often find that when we return to something from our youth.
Other people's memories may be different to this, but I think most people will be able to relate to this story on a broader level.
Suggestions
'Peaking in my memory took the wheel' I'm not too sure exactly what you mean here, but I think it might be something like this: 'Peeking in, my memory took the wheel' The peaking you had is mountain peak or peak performance, peeking is like looking or peeping. I also assume the memory is peeking in, not you peeking into the memory, so it needs the comma.
'Many people must have passed through these woods[,] for nothing but a small porcelain teacup lay there anxiously.' Needs that comma.
'non-existing turtle' I think non-existant is the correct word.
Your description drew me in - looked like a great premise for a story.
The piece showed good use of imagination and description, particularly when The New Ideas tried to 'catch' light.
The story had an odd tone to it. Quite conversational - like the story was being told by a parent to a child.
Suggestions
'In a prehistoric and windy settlement, lived a community of prehistoric humans.' You've got the word prehistoric repeated here. First lines are very important to a story. The settlement wouldn't be prehistoric to them. Maybe chose a descriptive word like ramshackle or whatever you think fits best.
I thought this was an interesting idea and showed good use of imagination. It also puts the reader in the position of imagining themself in the same situation.
I was waiting for something nasty or unexpected at the end - but it never came.
You captured the character's excitement pretty well.
A pretty interesting little horror story. It was well written - good use of imagination and description - you captured the menace in the approaching snow very well. I particularly liked the description likening Jon's battle to the defense of a castle.
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That ending was most amusing. Great job of satirising soap operas. I think I might actually watch them if they were more like this.