I was wondering about the little different style of writing, until i saw "HE WATCHES" and understood it all. I believe it's really difficult to write in that form but you have done it, amazingly well!
Every word filled with belief, hope and optimism. Filled me with the same feelings. Inspiring and encouraging!
When i started reading it, i wasn't sure where this was going.
But as i continued, i could see the comparison you had drawn. it was very new to me. i could imagine and see the two paths, you and the figure.
A few suggestions (personal opinion):-
Occasionally you get lucky and come to the same crossroads and can choose again but only if you are aware[,/that] the possibility exists.
When life seemed the most difficult[,] these paths seemed to appear more often, but I could never [get up][find] the nerve to speak to the individual standing there and [they][he/she/He] never spoke to me.
It was foreign to me but at the same time[,] it felt very comfortable.
The first line sent me to the world of imagery, with the lovely nature all around.
Though i did come back from the imagery a couple of times, it isn't you who is to be blamed. You have a great vocabulary and i don't, so the words i didn't knew the meaning to, brought me back to reality.
I would share with you the fact that i, myself, am very bad at rhyming. So whenever i see a rhyming poem, I am very alert. Because quite a few times, the effort is seen and I feel that the poem has lost its essence due to the forced rhyming, that is done. (Precisely the reason i write free form poetry :) ). and this is what i loved about your poem. It rhymes and it rhymes perfectly and effortlessly. It doesnt feel like you have made it rhyme. It's just there.
And I adore the concept and the story! Really beautiful and touching!
Well! it's very difficult to weave and express something in as little as 55 words!
Your idea was good.
I especially appreciate the imagery that you have created.
A little suggestion (subjective, my personal opinion):
I felt that in the line "His soft full lips parted slightly", the use of two adjectives 'soft' and 'full' distracted me and detained the flow of your writing and my thinking that was flowing with your writing. In my personal opinion, I would have liked it better, had it been either of the two but not both of them.
My husband took our only car to work every day[.] [S]o there I sat, staring at the same four walls day after day.
One Friday night[,] he sat at the dinner table telling me about his plans to go squirrel hunting the next morning.
Not willing to admit defeat and stay home, I shed a layer of clothing and suck the belly in and finally succeed[ed] in getting the suit zipped up.
Right into the b[r]ush, I keep pace with him through the crunching leaves and snapping twigs
He whispers to me, "We're going to sit right here, when it starts to get light out, we'll hear the squirrels in the treetops.[''] We settle down on the dirt pile.
We piled into the truck and I unzipped the suit [down a ways] {not required}to let the belly bulge out.
I adored this line:
Baby and I, nice and cozy.Uh, ok, a little snug and I can't sit without sprawling my legs to make room but at least I've got the suit on.
ha ha ha! made me laugh out loud!
Thanks for the laugh! :)
Hmm, really short. It demands a lot from the reader, doesn't it.
I feel that sometimes it is good to leave things up to the reader but at other times, it's good to tell. After reading your poem, I felt the second thing. I wish you had written more, elaborated and explained.
I was perplexed.. 'i want you but i cannot love you'. yeah! though it hit me later, that you were INFATUATED!
A lot of feelings go in there..pain, confusion, desire. its deep and its good for being deep.
Hmm, funny, well written, nice! Though i am still left wondering how is it possible? if his hair was fine at the saloon, what went wrong after he washed it back at his room? That's one mystery i wish you had solved instead of letting it hang in the air.
Suggestion:
Humming an old Beatles tune (Yellow Submarine), he quickly finished his bath, and, dressing in his pair of newly-bought jeans and a white shirt, he left his hostel room with cash in his pocket.
Different. I am amazed by the intensity, the words used and the context in which they are used. Gives a starkling view of reality and the painful feelings felt. Lovely imagery created.
Well-written.
Cheers!
Christina
P.S. This is your wish granted by Sister of Mercy's Wishing Well. Have fun! :)
Well, i haven't read a rhyming storeom before. Though it's different, i am not very fond of the pattern since to me, it seems that it breaks the continuity of the poem. I must say though, that you have written very well. It's not easy to write so.
And i must appreciate the subject you took up. Very touching, involving and deep.
What a sad, little poem. But i loved thw way you have written it, making me feel as if i am a part of it all. as if it isnt the person in the water, but me. you have created such vivid images for me to imagine myself there. A great job.
A few suggestions regarding the punctuation marks:
Without warning{,} the boat rocks violently
In one ferocious bite{,} my arm is ripped clean.
I scream for someone to help me, to {reach? "give"} out their arm.
I let my body slowly sink below the surface{,}
allowing the water to envelope me.
The movie we were supposed to be watching{,} faded away with each passing minute. For within few moments the world stood still for {'our place together'. instead of this, 'us' sounds better}.
{'All four seasons'. this seems repeated. "They" seems better} felt their way through the room, as closer and closer you held me.
{At this moment, another moment in time,} {'it seemed like another moment in time where' seems more appropriate} you were no longer my friend, but the object of some long locked up secret{,} inside.
I love this line "Like the first spring day of the year, so crisp and clean. "
My whole self in that moment was for you. {"My". not required} trust found its way through my soul's walls.
Our eyes closed, only daring to peak their way into the circumstances{,} to catch a glimpse of the sought{-}after beauty before them.
Loved this line " It broke the seemingly motionless moment with a melodic blend of beatings. "
It did what we not do. Closer and closer our lips came {"still" not required}. A
But, alas, from my own frightened logic, and moral decisions{,} I did not act. But oh{!/,} how I wanted to have your lips traverse across that last breath and connect with mine. Oh, to have kissed you like I wanted! But it {"is not"? wasn;t seems more appropriate} so.
i liked the last line, "i sat alone" it says quite a few things about the emotions felt by the lady.
I am left spellbound truly! even when i started reading it, i fell in love with your style of writing. i can't spell it out loud but there's something in the words you use, in the way you use words, and the way you weave them into sentences, that just takes the breath away and holds me tight and close to the writing. i dn't know. it was beautiful..the story.. how you have written it and the way i can imagine starkly the happenings.
Well... a thought that came to your mind and wondering about it, you wrote it in the form of a poem. Nice one though. Thought-provoking.
Makes me wonder what lies within my mind and what I may find in there
I loved the expression 'taking a trip within one's mind, the treasures one might find'. Very subtly said, yet giving a very clear and powerful message.
SUGGESTION ( Subjective, personal. Making any changes or letting it be is entirely your choice. No offend meant):
Though aptly used, somehow the word 'T.V' takes my mind off the content of the poem and distracts me. i find it a little too technical. i am not very sure what you may relace it with but i would like to suggest either 'current' or 'power', referring to electricity.
In all, liked it. It was simple, about daily life yet thought-provoking.
Wow!
Intense..painful..
I love the words and expressions you have used. They create some great imagery.
I feel it's written spontaneously..with words going across your mind and you swiftly writing them down. Perhaps that is why punctuation marks are missing, or rather you did not want to bind the words.
I love the imagery created by:
'I remember standing in the corner
Of my grandparents yard
Staring up at just one piece
Of an endlessly blue sky'.
What a beautiful expression....!!
I also loved:
'The crowd of people’s faces all blending into one'.
Also, liked:
'It was a different part of the sky
A different part of my life, but sill of the same whole'
Suggestions:
'From my arms after I the DRUG the razor across' Drag? Dragged?
I am confused: needle/razor?
'And I looked up at the same sky I USE to,' USED?
'A different part of my life, but SILL of the same whole' STILL?
In all, loved what you have written, especially the way it has been written.
Write on!!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Cheers!
Christina
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