I think you have an okay start to your poem. I have a few suggestions for you.
The transition between the first and second stanza is a bit confusing. Why will "loose tears want to fall?" Because "it's your voice I want to hear?" This transition is unclear.
In the second stanza, "Loose tears will want to fall, / and slide down farther" is also confusing. How will loose tears "slide down farther" if they have only "want[ed] to fall?" The tears have not even fallen yet. They only "want to fall."
The last line of this stanza also has me confused. "Because then I will feel the fear." What "fear?" What is this "fear" you are referring to?
With the last stanza, what is the composer wanting to hear?
There is too much left open for interpretation. The reader only knows what the composer tells him or her.
Overall, I found your poem to be quite confusing.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think you have a good start to your poem. I am some suggestions for you.
The first thing I noticed with your poem is that the title is "Wild nature tames." In the body you write "Wild nature Tames." There is inconsistent capitalization here. I would stick to a consistent capitalization within the title and also between the title and the title within the body of the poem.
There needs to be an apostrophe in the first word of your poem, "Nature[']s."
You use a form of the word "wild" twice in the first stanza to describe two different things. I would change one of those words to something else. I don't think it will change the meaning too much.
Another thing I noticed is that your poem kind of contradicts itself. Within your poem, you state that their are "rugged views" but then you go on to describe these rugged views with "soft flowers and rolling hills." This doesn't seem very "rugged" to me. This "rugged[ness]" also brings "calmness?" It is a bit confusing. I think with a little bit of rewording your poem will make more sense.
Remember, the reader only knows what you tell him or her.
Overall, I enjoyed reading your poem. I think you should make it poem longer to draw the reader in more. I feel as though you have only peeled off the first layer.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I am not the biggest fan of haiku poems because they are so short. That being said, the composer has some major restrictions place upon him or her in writing one. There is a syllabic count and a lot must be said in a very short amount of words. And in this short amount of words, the composer must latch onto the reader or produce the desired effect of a poem.
You have conveyed meaning in such few words. But, I think the poem needs to be longer. This is just my personal opinion. I like a series of haiku poems with the same subject matter rather than just one.
Well done.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think you have a pretty good poem here. I have a few suggestions for you.
While reading I noticed that some of your thoughts kind of bleed into the next line. Your thoughts are all kind of joined and muddled together. This became a little confusing. It was difficult to differentiate where one thought started and one thought ended. Thus your poem was a little difficult to follow. A little bit of punctuation will help with this.
I think that your poem was also difficult to follow because many of your lines are fragments or run-on sentences. Again punctuation will help with this.
I am not sure that you should put a forward slash between the words "lonely" and "isolated." I think that putting the word "and" between them will suffice.
In the second stanza, the last two lines are a bit confusing. "Will crush those below / The ones I care about." There are "ones below those [you] care about?" This is how I read it. Once again punctuation will help with this.
The last two lines are confusing. "For just my hammer and anvil / To hear." This is a fragmented sentence and I am not sure what you are referring to.
Overall, I enjoyed reading your poem.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
You have a nice start to your poem. I do have a few suggestions for you.
The first thing that I noticed is that there are some flow issues with your poem. If you read your poem out loud you will be able to catch this.
Some of your rhyme is off a little bit. "Light/brighter."
In the fourth stanza you repeat the word "now." I would try to change one of these words so there is no repetition.
In this same stanza, the third line is a bit confusing. "Tired I am from the way." What way? I am not sure what you are referring to with the word "way." The fourth line follows suit. "So I close my eyes and wait for the day." What day?
With the last stanza, you say what has already been said. In the third stanza you write "I see the stars who will never depart" and in the last stanza you write "The stars lie overhead." I would try to put something different in the second line of this stanza.
You also repeat the word "lie" twice. This is a little redundant.
Overall I enjoyed reading your poem. It just needs a bit of smoothing out and polishing up.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think you have a good start to your poem. I have a few suggestions for you.
My first suggestion has to do with the flow. I think that this is mainly due to your word choice. You are choosing to omit some words to help the flow but it actually messes it up. I would suggest to you to read your poem out loud. When you do this, you will notice some things you wouldn't normally notice while reading silently. Your poem reads very choppy.
Your poem is made up of many fragmented sentences. Here are some examples "the pointing of fingers", "When all were bloodied, / were down on the ground, turned crimson with gore, / back to that girl..."
I have also noticed that there is quite a bit of repetition within your poem. You repeat "I saw it, you know" four times within your poem. I would try to change a few of the words so it is not so redundant. Something along the lines of "I [was there], you know" or something like that.
You also need to watch your line breaks. This added to the lack of flow within your poem.
Along time ago, I was told never to center align a poem because it is just an easy way to make it aesthetically pleasing.
Overall, I enjoyed reading your poem. There is just so much of a need for editing that I found your poem difficult to follow at times.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
Once again, you have an irregular rhyme scheme. I would try to make it consistent. About halfway through your poem you start using internal rhyme as well as end rhyme. "Purging/urge/emerge", "aware/there", and "rare/dare" are some examples. And then about three quarters of the way through you stop using internal rhyme. Try to stay consistent with your rhyme.
The transition from the seventh line to the eighth line is a bit confusing. Between these two lines there is a change or transformation of character. I would either put in a stanza break or make this transition smoother. The reader is kind of caught off guard by this.
The last line of your poem is good, but I think it could be better. I like the use of "adore" but the last line needs more of a punch. The last few lines should wrap up your poem. The last line should be a kind of "punchline" that really gives the reader something to hold onto.
Overall, I enjoyed your poem. It just needs a bit of smoothing out and finalization.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think you have a good start to your poem. There are a few things that just need a bit of smoothing out.
I have a few suggestions for you.
My first suggestion to you would make the rhyme of your poem consistent. The rhyme scheme is as follows. AABBCCCDDDEEEFFGGHHIIII. Maintaining a consistent rhyme scheme will make your poem flow a little better.
The first line of your poem is a fragment. There is no verb.
With the fifteenth line, I believe the line should read as follows, "In hope that [what] was once lost[,] will [be] able to be found." Or [is] able to be found."
Lastly, I think that you should read your poem out loud. If and when you do this you should and will be able to see where you need to smooth out the rough edges. You may need to add or subtract some words to help the flow.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think you have a really good start to your poem. I have a few suggestions for you.
The imagery you use is good, however, because of some of the wording you use, the picture you are trying to portray gets a little muddled and confusing. My suggestion to you would be to read your poem out loud and you should be able to catch the areas that need a little help with the wording.
In the third stanza, second line, you say "which could bring an end." What end?
The fourth stanza is very confusing to the reader. What are these "fire-breathing animals?" These are also "scared" "fire-breathing animals?" Why are they scared? "Truly see / the light behind the eyes" what and whose "eyes?" And then are you referring to different 'animals" that "move and think like them?" Who is the "them" you are referring to?
In the last stanza of your poem, you write "The humans" as if the composer is no human. Who is the "we" you are referring to? The last line of your poem is also a bit confusing. "[W]e discuss not war but weddings." This seems a bit out of context. Perhaps an explanation in an earlier or added stanza is needed.
Also, watch your comma placement. Commas are needed in certain areas. You also have a few misplaced commas.
Overall, I enjoyed reading your poem. The fourth stanza really needs some clarification.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
Take this review seriously, but not to heart. Do not take these next few words the wrong way. Everyone has felt this way before and everyone has said this exact same thing before. You are saying the exact same thing thousands have said a million times before. There is nothing literary or poetic about this piece. You have posted this on "The Review Request Page." Why? Do you want people to feel the way you feel? This is not the way to do it. This a bit of a guilt trip.
Everyone has felt this way. Everyone has said the same thing, but in different words. What makes you different than anyone else? This is teen angst. Where is the poetry? Turn this into something beautiful that someone can peel off the layers and analyze...maybe even indulge. Your piece just sounds whiny. What are you going to do about it? What does your heart really tell you? If you dig deep enough I am sure the right words will come. Not a bunch a teen angsty whining. Pieces like this do nothing for the reader.
If you just wanted to vent, don't request a review.
What book were you referring to with the last line of your piece?
I would try to make this into an aside. Add some literary and poetic devices into this and you may have a piece of literature when you are done.
I have written pieces like this, and it really doesn't do anything for the reader or the composer. It doesn't get the emotions out as writing should.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I do not understand the motive or message behind this poem.
Disregarding the note below your poem for right now, I don't know what you are trying to say. This is definitely a rant. But, what does it offer the reader? What was the purpose of not only posting this poem on "The Review Request Page" so people could read and review it, but also making this a static item. You requested a review of this item. What did you want the reader to get out of this? What kind of review were you expecting? Why did you request of review? I think there is some ulterior motive as to why you requested a review.
That being said, you decided to post a note. In the note you write, "This poem was very impromptu." It was written without being "planned, organised, or rehearsed." So it is a stream of consciousness poem. Fair enough. Then you go on to say, "I put zero thought to it and just recklessly penned down my thoughts in here." Now you are just belittling yourself. I have "recklessly penned down my thoughts" before. But, I went back and organised my rant and it actually turned into a well-thought-out poem. It turned into something someone could hold onto or think about.
Lastly, because you wrote, "So don't judge me for the syllables not fitting in or for the non existent rhyme scheme" I am now going to judge you. I had no idea your poem was supposed to have correct "syllables" and an "existent" rhyme scheme. Where are the syllables and rhyme scheme you say your poem is supposed to have?
This could have been a much better poem if you went back through it and added some imagery and poetic devices.
This is what my rant turned into after a long and terrible day a work. It still needs some work, but I think it's pretty good.
I think you have a good start to your poem. I have made some observations while reading.
First off, I would recommend reading your poem out loud. In doing this you will catch certain things you weren't able to catch while reading silently.
Second, I would stick to a consistent rhyme scheme. This will better help the flow of your poem. In reading your poem, I found the flow to be quite choppy.
Your poem consists of many fragmented sentences. This also adds to the lack of flow.
Overall, I enjoyed reading your poem, and I like the theme. The structural issues, along with all of the fragments, made your poem difficult to follow.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think you have an alright poem here. You are writing from what you know at that is okay. Everything in your poem has already been said before. Sometimes in the same words, sometimes in different words. I would try to be a little more original or unique for lack of a better word. I would try to throw said imagery into your poem that no one has ever heard before. Your poem doesn't really stand out to me. It doesn't grab me as well as it should.
What does this "fear" do to you?
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I believe this is something better suited for your Bioblock. I would also try to be a little more professional when it comes to your writing.
One instance is this sentence, "My writing has gotten more sophisticated..." I would change the word "gotten" to something like "become." It sounds more professional. In other words, it sounds like you know what you are doing. It shows that you have integrity with your writing. You and your writing become more believable and credible.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think you have a pretty good start to your poem. I have some suggestions for you.
You do not need a comma at the end of the third line. You are dividing an independent clause. There is also no need for a pause.
In some areas you need a period instead of a comma. You are adding commas after independent clauses.
In the seventh line, I don't believe you need the "and." It seems like a filler word to help the flow.
You need a period at the end of the eighth line.
You need a comma after "But" in the third to last line. And did you mean "walls [are] closing in" instead of "wall's closing in?"
You do not need a comma at the end of the second to last line.
In the last line of your poem, I am not sure what or who "They" is referring to? It sounds as though you are referring to the "wall" in the third to last line. It is a bit confusing.
Overall, with a bit of editing and some clarification you will have a good poem.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think that you have a good start here. The imagery you use is pretty good. I have some suggestions for you.
I do not like how your poem is so subjective. It is almost as if you are accusing the reader of these traits. I think that you should let the reader decide if he or she carries these traits. A little rewording will help with this. All you have to do is change or take out the pronoun, "you." You may not have to take out all of them, just most of them. With all of the "yous" within your poem, you are forcing these traits upon the reader. "You have to be this" or "you have to feel this certain way."
You also open your poem with a question. I think that the poem should be the answer to this question. You should leave the question out entirely. When a writer asks a question at the beginning of a poem or too many questions, this distracts the reader. The reader is forced to answer the question. It is an automatic response while reading something. The reader loses focus and therefore some of the meaning of your poem is lost. Sometimes, a question is okay at the end of a poem. The composer must be careful to not leave too much open for the reader. The reader wants closure. The answer to the question should be located within the poem. I found that the answer is not addressed within yours.
Overall, I think you could have a good poem without asking the question. If you take out the question within your poem, what are you left with? You may also want to think about putting this poem in the first person so it has to do with the composer rather than the reader. I would try to reduce the amount of "Is" in your poem if you do this.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think you have a pretty good poem. I have made some observations, and I have a few suggestions for you.
First off, you changed some of the wording in your poem to make the rhyme work. In other words, I think that some of the rhyme seems forced.
That being said, I also noticed that each stanza consists of a different number of lines. I would try to make each stanza the same number of lines. This will help the flow of your poem.
You have a few missing commas needed in your poem.
In the first line of your last stanza, "you" should be "you've."
Proofread before you post.
Overall, I think you have a really good start to your poem. You just need to polish it up a bit and change the structure so it is a bit more uniform.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think you have a pretty good start to your poem. I have some observations and suggestions for you.
"Just when I needed you to be" sounds a bit odd. I think you should take out the "to be" and see how that sounds. You also don't need a period at the end of this line. This sentence continues into the next line.
The third line of your poem is very long compared to the lines of the rest of your poem. I think this may have been a mistake.
About halfway through your poem, the point of reference changes. At first the composer is referring to himself or herself. And then, it switches to referring to someone else. "Were all right inside of you."
"Your heart, your soul, your mind" is a fragment. What about them?
I think that the last three lines of your poem are the strongest part of your poem. This may be because there is rhyme. I would try to make the rhyme scheme consistent throughout your poem, however.
Overall, with a bit of editing, I think you will have a much better poem.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
You have a really good poem here. It is short and simple with a pretty good rhyme scheme. I really have only one suggestion for you, it is more of an observation.
In the last line of the first stanza, I am not sure what the word "any" is referring to? Wasn't any what? Are you referring to "faith" or "fight?" Each word changes the meaning of this line completely. This is a bit confusing and needs clarity.
The ending of your poem is nice and strong. I like the almost twist at the end. It wraps everything up nicely. The reader receives the closure he or she needs.
Overall, I enjoyed reading your poem. Thank you for sharing.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think you have a pretty good poem here. It is quite simple and that is okay. The imagery you use has been used over and over again. However, this poem doesn't seem to be overdramatic because of its simplicity.
Opening your poem with "he's a bird" is kind of awkward. You are setting the direction of your poem with this line. The direction is then a bit off kilter.
I think with the last line, you should add "to" right after "wants." The line would then read as, "who wants [to], but can't be free.
Overall, with some polishing up, I think you will have a better poem.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think that you have a good start to your prose. I have made some observations, and have a few suggestions for you.
First off, you have a few missing and misplaced commas and periods.
There is only one "d" in the word "shadow."
I am also assuming the word "scrolled" is referring to Facebook. This kind of threw a wrench in my stomach wild reading that word. Facebook is not poetic at all. However, it is part of your prose without directly saying it. I have to take it for what it is. I also understand that you probably tried to leave it out by saying "I scrolled backward today." I give you props for trying to make good imagery out of something that is by no means poetic. "The timeline of your wall."
I really like the line "You've always been in the first chill of autumn." I also like the line "Where I shared secrets so deep I wouldn't tell God if I could help it." However, this sentence is also a fragment.
Your prose contains many fragmented sentences. This made it difficult to follow at times and also messed up the flow a bit.
Overall, with a bit of editing I think you will have a great piece.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think that you have a good start to your poem. I have made some observations, and I have a few suggestions for you.
My first suggestion to you would be to read your poem out loud and see how it sounds to you. When you do this you will notice things you were unaware of while reading silently.
You have many missing commas throughout your poem as well as a few misplaced commas. I see that you use almost no capitalization throughout your poem, but using correct punctuation helps with the readability. It will also help the flow.
In the sixth line, I believe that you mean "smile" instead of "simile." "Simile" is a poetic device.
In the tenth line of your poem, I believe you mean "his mere existence would mean [the] world to me." You forgot the word "the."
"His just looking" is incorrect grammar.
In the thirteenth line "did he [have] to go" or did he choose to go? This is the same concept with the fourteenth line. Also, in the fourteenth line, you need to take out "a."
In the seventeenth line, I believe you mean "[tell] him goodbye."
In the eighteenth line, I believe that the second "detached" should be "attached."
Overall, I think that you should proofread before you post. With a lot of editing and punctuating correctly, you will have a much better poem.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think you have a really good start to your poem. I like the theme or message you are trying to portray. Some of the lines need a bit of clarity or polishing up. I have a few suggestions for you.
The lengths of your lines are quite long. With a message such as yours, there is a lot to take in. I think with shortening the lines of your poem, this will give the reader time to pause and digest what he or she has just read. This would change the rhyme scheme of your poem from internal rhyme to end rhyme.
With the third line of your poem, "a deep[,] sharp knife" cannot cause pain. But the cut of a "deep[,] sharp knife" can. I hope this makes sense.
You need a question mark at the end of the fifth line instead of a period. You are asking a question.
The ninth line of your poem is a very very long-winded line. I think that you can polish it up a bit to make it flow better.
The third to the last line also needs some polishing up. It is also long-winded.
A little over halfway through your poem, the rhyme scheme changes. I am not sure why you decided to do this. I would make the rhyme scheme consistent.
You have a few missing and misplaced commas.
Your poem is fairly strong up until the last line. The last line is soft. The ending of a poem should be very strong. What is the punchline you are trying to tell the reader? The ending should tie or sum up the entire poem. Yours does this, but it doesn't grip me like it should. You are just saying what you have already said earlier within your poem. The word "free" is repeated.
Overall, with much editing, I think your poem could be really good and reach out and help a bunch of readers. It will give something to them to hold onto.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I like the imagery you use in this poem, also. This poem has a bit more clarity than the last one, but it gets a little unclear towards the end of your poem. I have a few suggestions for you.
I like the use of "vaulted" and "vault" in the first stanza of your poem. Not everyone will get this, I believe.
You need a comma after "swag-bags."
"Deep with possessing" is a little confusing. Maybe "Deep [for] possess[ions.]"
In the second stanza, third line, you do not need a comma after "sky."
In the third stanza, you need a comma after "but."
In the fourth stanza, I am not sure what you mean by "unheeding of spikes." What are these "spikes" you are referring to? You also don't need a period after "spikes." It is supposed to be a comma. You don't need a comma after "trove." I am not sure what "they" is referring to in the last line of this stanza. It sounds as though you are referring to the "spikes."
Again, with the last line of your poem, I am unsure what "they" is referring to. Are you referring to the "spikes" or the "rubies?"
Overall, I liked this poem better than the last one I reviewed. Thank you for sharing.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
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