I have just read your poem, and I have made some observations. I like the imagery in your poem. Some of it, however, is a bit confusing. I have some suggestions for you.
The title of your poem doesn't really match your poem. It does, but it doesn't. This is poetry so a writer can pretty much do anything. In hermeneutics, one cannot understand the whole without understanding the parts, and one cannot understand the parts without understanding the whole. So in other words, the title will work if the poem is understood. I don't know if this explanation helps.
You have a lot of fragments in your poem. This makes it confusing. "Slate purple, leaf green." What are these descriptions referring to?
"The mustard sweep of the fields" is also confusing. What about this?
The last line of your poem is also a fragment.
You don't have a single complete sentence in your entire poem. There are no verbs. The second line is almost a complete sentence. You need "The" as the first word.
I am not sure if the word "drift" in the second to last line is meant to be a verb or a noun.
Overall, I think with a bit of editing you will have a great poem.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think you have a really good start to your poem. The imagery you use is pretty good. I have made some observations, and I have a few suggestions for you.
First off, I wouldn't put the ellipses after "day" in the first line. A poem is dramatic enough in itself. I don't think you need to be more dramatic. The imagery in this first line seems a bit off with the imagery of the rest of your poem.
In the first line of the second stanza, the tense of "barraged" doesn't agree with the "tense" of the line before it, or the lines after it. I would try to make a smoother transition with all of these lines.
In the first line of the third stanza, you have a verb tense disagreement once again. "Clouded/burning/aching." Past, present, present.
In the fourth stanza, you ask a lot of questions. A composer must be very careful when asking questions. You ask three questions in a row. I find more often than not that I am answering these questions rather than reading the poem in front of me. Asking too many questions can distract the reader. You ask all these questions when you could be telling the reader the answer. The answers are where the poetry lies. Not the questions. I don't want to have to figure out the answers to these questions. The composer should be able to tell me the answers.
I think the ending to your poem is the strongest part.
Overall, with a bit of editing and a bit of answering you will have a better poem.
And maybe, if you make your poem just a little bit longer, you will have the opportunity to draw the reader in more. There will be more to hold onto as they are reading.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think you have a really good idea here. But, your piece needs a bit of polishing up and work.
I really like the theme and subject matter. It appears that you put some thought into this piece, but the spelling and grammatical errors really distract the reader.
Throughout your piece you use the incorrect form of "too." It should be "too upbeat."
I can agree with what you are saying but the structure and incorrect grammar makes your piece a little difficult to understand. First off, this is prose, not a poem. I would also divide this into paragraphs which will allow the reader to digest what you are saying. I can see that this is a bit of stream of consciousness. However, I found it difficult to follow. There is a lot happening within your piece. You must allow the reader to pause as he or she is reading. This will help the reader understand what you are trying to say.
Proofread before you post.
You have missing and misplaced commas. Your commas are unevenly spaced. You have some misspelled words and unnecessary spaces within a bunch of words.
"U" is spelled like this, "you." "Lil" is spelled "little." I understand that people speak differently in different areas of the world. This is where context comes into play. A writer must set up the context for the reader. Remember, the reader can only understand what the writer gives him or her. In this case, the piece loses meaning and validity because there is a lack of context. If you set up a context you gain the reader's trust. Once you gain the reader's trust, the reader is more likely to believe and hold onto what the composer says.
Context comes with writing and practice.
Overall, I enjoyed this piece. It just needs quite a bit of editing.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think you have a good start here but I feel there is a need for you to dig deeper. I feel like there is only one layer for me to peel off, and then your poem just kind of ends. You are just scratching the surface with this poem.
"Have you ever seen / The shadow." What shadow? This is kind of ambiguous.
And then you continue on in the second stanza. But, what "armistice?"
"The shadow came and broke / the armistice?" What about it?
Your poem is much too open and leaves too much for the reader to figure out. Remember, the reader can only understand what is given to them. You leave me with more questions than answers.
Your poem is very short, and I think that you can elaborate on it to make it longer. This will draw the reader in more. It will give the reader something to hold onto when he or she is done reading.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think you have a fairly decent start to your poem. I have some suggestions for you.
My first suggestion to you would be to read your poem out loud. You will and should be able to catch the errors missed while reading it silently.
In the third line of your poem, I am not sure what the "it" is you are referring to. I am assuming your "heart," but it is very unclear.
The fourth line of your poem is a fragment. What about it? There is no verb/action taking place. "Whipping at..." is describing the "wind."It also may be a gerund like the words "skiing" or "swimming." These two words look like verbs but are actually nouns.
The first half of the sixth line is kind of confusing. "The singing or the water..." The composer may also be a bit confused, also.
In the tenth line, "one" should be "once."
The eleventh line is a fragment.
The twelfth line, refers to the "pain" of what?
Thirteenth line, I am unsure of what this "one" is that you are referring to?
I would recommend dividing your poem up into stanzas.
You have a few missing and misplaced commas throughout your poem.
Proofread before you post.
Overall, I have read many poems about a "broken heart." What makes this poem stand out from the rest of them? This subject has been covered over and over and over again. I am finding that it is becoming more and more difficult to get something new. What is different about this poem from the rest? I found relatively little. The imagery in poems such as these has pretty much been used so much that it has been beaten to death.
Write a poem that has never been said before. We as writers borrow from other writers. Shakespeare even did this, but he created something new from old themes.
Put some imagery into your poem that no one has ever heard before.
I think that you have just written what others have said without putting your own spin on it.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I am here to read and review another one of your poems. I have made a few observations while reading.
The first thing I noticed is that there are some flow issues within your poem. Your poem may be written in meter. You have contracted some words to either keep the meter of your poem or to make your poem poetic. This is okay but you must make sure your poem reads well. I would suggest reading your poem out loud. When you do this, you should and will be a able to catch these flow issues. At times, you also divide up your lines in inconvenient spots. This makes your poem a bit choppy to read. You also have a few misplaced commas in your poem. Some of the commas within your lines are not needed. The first one is located at the end of the second line of the first stanza. When you read your poem out loud you will see this.
I would try to make the ending of your poem a bit stronger. To me, your poem just kind of ends. It feels like it was cut off. There is no closure for the reader. The last stanza or last few lines of a poem should wrap up the whole thing. Your poem is missing its closing stanza.
I think that the contracting of words may be a bit out of date. This contracting may be difficult to read for some audiences. This is just my opinion.
The rhyme seems to work with your poem.
Overall, I enjoyed reading your poem.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
My suggestion to you would be to read this piece out loud and see what happens. Did you run out of breath? I did. Periods were created for a reason. Use them. I couldn't even make it to the end. I have no idea what I just read. Because without periods, there was no way for me to pause and digest what I just read. What I read left me as quickly as it came. The whole meaning of your piece was lost as soon as I read each word.
From the little bit I read. I would also suggest proofreading before you post.
If you decide to add punctuation I would be happy to reread and review your piece.
Overall, punctuation helps.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
You have a good start to your prose here. This is a piece of prose and not a piece of poetry. Consider a piece of prose as an aside or reflection that is written in paragraph form. A piece of prose can be poetic and a poem can be like a piece of prose. However, there is a difference between poetry and prose.
Also, you need to proofread before you post. You have many grammatical and punctuation issues throughout your piece. I suggest reading your poem out loud. When you do this you should and will be able to catch these issues. It will read differently because you are reading the piece out loud rather than silently. It works. Trust me.
Some of your sentences are a bit long-winded. I would suggest shortening some of them. This will help the flow of your poem. A well written piece will contain shorter sentences and longer sentences. This ensures a consistent flow.
"...it's itself" sounds really weird. I would write "It is" instead of "it's." Or, change the subject of the sentence entirely.
I think you should divide this up into at least two paragraphs.
Overall, I think with some editing and polishing up, you will have a nice piece of prose.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
You have an okay start to your poem. I think that you are just kind of relaying what happened without making your poem poetic. I would try to insert some figurative speech or poetic devices to spruce your poem up a little bit.
"Nightlight" is two words. "Night light."
"Good night" should be in quotations because someone is speaking.
Also, the events of your poem are nonlinear. You turn the night light on. Then you get scared. And then you tell the reader that you are not scared because the night light is turned on. It is a bit confusing.
Overall, I think you can make this a much better poem. As I wrote earlier, try to throw some "poetry" into your poem. This will draw the reader in more. Put some heart and effort into it.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
You have a really emotionally descriptive poem here. I really love the imagery used. With a bit of polishing up, you will have an exceptional poem. Here are my observations:
My first suggestion to you would be to read your poem out loud. There are some flow issues in the third stanza. The flow needs to slow down a bit. Most of this stanza is one sentence.
In the third stanza, second to last line, I am not sure what "pros" means. This may need some clarification.
In the last stanza, the word "non syllabic" should have a hyphen in it.
You have a few missing commas that need to be placed within your poem.
The rhyme scheme is irregular at times.
Last thing. I am not sure what the "VV" means at the end of your poem.
Overall, I enjoyed reading your poem. Thank you for sharing.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
You have a decent start to your poem. I noticed that your poem reads a bit like Walt Whitman's writings or like the play "Our Town." Unfortunately, with this poem it does more harm than good. Whitman throws a few quick jabs and punches into his lines to spruce his writing up a bit. He always ends with a punchline that makes the reader think or reflect on himself or herself. Your poem is mostly based on observation. This is fine, but it doesn't really evoke emotion in the composer or the reader. All of this description doesn't really do much for the reader. I can relate, but not on a deeper poetic level. It's kind of like reading an instruction manual. You describe these things but you don't put it into your own words. This is happening over here and that is happening over there. What about it? You care about these observations because you wrote about it. Why should the reader care? How can the reader relate to this? Why should the reader relate to this? I found that you give the reader very little to hold onto. I want something that I can take with me after I am done reading your poem. What does this poem have to do with the reader? I feel like there is a wall that was put up, and the reader is unable to take down. You are not fully letting the reader into your world.
The last line of the second to last stanza is a fragment.
Overall, I think you should give the reader something to hold onto.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think you have a pretty good poem here. By the description from when you posted your review request, I have an inkling that English isn't your primary language. That is okay, of course. I have a few observations. One right from the start. I am not sure if your title is supposed to be the common phrase, "Benefit of the Doubt." It may be as you have intended.
In the third stanza, second line. "Sometimes[,] it's one who sees the surest way." First thing, you need a comma after "Sometimes." Second, who is the word "one" referring to? I believe you mean "one person." I would try to clarify this. Third, it is difficult for me to understand the word "surest." This is word is somewhat uncommon in describing what I think you are trying to portray. There is a difference between the right word and the almost right word. This whole line needs a bit of cleaning up.
In the first line of the fifth stanza, "It's good to have a faith." I would take out the "a." It doesn't really make sense. But, I can see where you are coming from if English is not your primary language.
In the last stanza, second line, "...lead astray and hide from view." Who is being "lead astray?" There is no indirect object in this line and it needs one.
The rhyme scheme is irregular at times.
Overall, I enjoyed reading your poem. I like the meaning behind it. Thank you for sharing.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think this is a great start to your poem. I have made some observations and there are a few things which need to be addressed.
I noticed there is a lot of repetition of words or phrases within your poem. The word "home" is repeated. The word "night" is repeated four times within eight lines. The word "free" is repeated.
I am not sure where the second set of italicized words come from. These two lines seem almost out of context to the rest of your poem. They are written in a different style and with different imagery than the rest of your poem.
With the line "with a underbelly of lies" the word "a" should be "an."
Some use of commas hear and there would help the flow of your poem. I feel like your poem at times carries on and on and doesn't allow the reader to pause. The reader is forced to take in your poem all at once without a break to digest what he or she has just read.
The last two lines of your poem need a bit of clarity, "...spewing truth to the place of dreams." What truth?
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think you have a really good start to your poem here. You have put a lot of effort into this poem, but there is much room for improvement and revision.
My primary suggestion to you would be to read your poem out loud. If and when you do this you should and will be able to catch the errors that I am about to discuss.
My second suggestion is more of an observation. The second stanza of your poem consists of five lines where the rest of the stanzas of your poem consist of six lines.
The rhyme scheme of your poem is irregular. I would try to stick to a consistent rhyme scheme. This will help the flow of your poem.
Some of the spaces between your poem are doubled. I am not sure why this occurs.
Your poem is quite long. I would try to condense it so it is not so long winded. I felt myself losing focus around halfway through. With longer poems, it is best to keep the reader's attention so they don't get distracted and lose the meaning of the poem.
You have a few missing and misplaced commas throughout your poem.
Some of your rhyme seems forced. Lines should naturally rhyme with each other. Sometimes it is okay to use slant rhyme to keep the original intended meaning.
The transition from the first stanza into the second stanza does not work very well. You never want to divide up a complete sentence between two stanzas. The meaning becomes lost, and it confuses the reader. A stanza should be it's own separate entity within the poem as a whole. Sometimes this is intentional, but it must work with the poem. In your poem, it does not.
I think you have pretty good poem here. With a bit of smoothing out, I think you will have a better poem. There is always room for improvement. No matter what! I like the picture you depict with your words.
I have a few suggestions for you. Both of them involve reading your poem out loud.
For this suggestion, I want you or someone else to read the poem out loud and to look for the areas that need a bit a clarity. You know where the poem is going automatically but the reader does not. The reader can only understand what the composer gives them. I think there are some areas that need a bit of clarity. This is mainly in your transitions. Your poem jumps around a little bit and this confuses the reader. I believe the poem is linear in your head, but when it is put onto the paper it becomes a little nonlinear. This is a translation issue. It happens to all writers.
The next suggestion is to read your poem out loud again. There are some flow issues. When you read your poem out loud you should and will be able to catch these issues. If someone else reads your poem out loud you really will be able to catch these issues. I have a problem that because I have read my poem so many times, I just blow right through it and everything seems okay.
Overall, I enjoyed reading your poem. Thank you for sharing.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think you have a pretty good start to your poem here. I believe you are also using correct grammar. This counts as poetry in my opinion. I think that this is mainly due to the fact that it appears to be "stream of consciousness." This poem is the result of your thoughts rolling out and unraveling.
I do have one suggestion for you. You need a conclusion. The last two lines of your poem are kind of soft. They don't latch onto the reader as well as I would like. I feel as though there is a part of the last line left out; As though there is something missing. The last line of a poem should sum up the entire poem. Your last two lines of the poem kind of does this, but I feel it could be much stronger. I am not saying change these lines. Just add another line or two.
Overall, I enjoyed reading your poem. Thank you for sharing.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I am here to read and review another one of your poems. I like this poem a little better than your last one. This poem is a bit too subjective for me. Due to the subject matter this cannot be helped.
Unfortunately, with poems of this subject matter it's hard to find anything new. It's even harder to write something new. The Romance/Love and Emotional genre has been written about for thousands of years. By nature, poetry such as this always portrays a sort of teen angst.
I would suggest adding some imagery or poetic devices that no one has ever heard of before. Make up some imagery and throw it into your piece. The context of the poem will help take care of the explanation. Your imagery has been used and said over and over and over again. It has been beaten to death.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
Your poem is not very poetic. Your poem is lacking in poetic devices. There is no imagery. It tells a story but that is about it. You could write this in paragraph format and it would read exactly the same. In fact, you may as well do it. It is a paragraph put into stanzas and lines.
I would suggest adding more imagery and poetic devices into your "poem." Put some flare into this piece.
The last stanza is supposed to wrap everything up nicely. You just repeat the first stanza.
What makes this poem stand out from any other poem? What makes it unique?
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
Here I am to read and review another one of your poems. I like the subject matter. It is something that I do not come across every day. I also think that it is something we should all be aware of. The downside, however, is that it is not something everyone can relate to. There is no middle ground with this. Either they do, or do not.
The subject matter is very subjective for lack of a better word. Because of this, the reader may not be drawn in as much. Someone who can relate will be drawn in more. I think I can relate. The good part is that your theme has to do more with being selfish rather than addiction itself.
I have just one suggestion. In the fourth paragraph, last line, the word "understanding" should be "understand."
Perhaps you should check out my portfolio. Maybe you will find you can relate to some of the poetry I have written. I think you will enjoy much of the poetry on the first page of my portfolio.
This burden you carry may be a further means for inspiration.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
You have an alright start to your poem. The imagery you use is good, but I lost focus reading your poem with all of the misspelled words, grammatical errors, and missed punctuation. One of example of this is "give me rays of warmth love." Proofread before you post.
The word "fruitful" in the ninth line is misspelled.
In the tenth line, "blossom" should be "blossoms."
In the twelfth line of your poem, I am not sure why you used the word "thou."
I'm not sure why the thirteenth line is three times longer than the rest of your lines. I would suggest dividing it up into shorter lines that fit the rest of your poem. The word "blackness" is misspelled.
In the second stanza, I am not sure what "stummer" means. "Stummer" is not a word.
"but i guess my feel express" also does not make any sense.
The last line of your poem has grammatical issues and typos. "Tyms" should be "times." The last line is also very subjective. I would end your poem with something much more universal. Something that everyone can relate to.
Proofread before you post. Grammatical and punctuation issues don't help the reader, and they definitely don't help the writer.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I am here to read and review another one of your poems. I like this one better than the last one. The poem, overall, is better than your last one. The rhyme is more consistent along with the imagery you use. I do have some suggestions for you.
My first observation occurs in the third stanza, second line, "Bc u're the first in me." I would never ever use text slang while writing a poem. This is very unprofessional and you lose your credibility. It makes it look like you don't know what you are doing. It's like misspelling the same word over and over again throughout a poem. Slang is okay. It just depends on the context of a poem.
I am not sure what the third line means in this stanza. "Never ever leave you."
In the fourth stanza, third line, I am not sure what "knew me" means. Did you mean "new me?" Both are kind of confusing in the context it's in.
The imagery in the fifth stanza is crap. It is just too corny for me. This is mainly in the second line and last line. "...getting me out of being dumb" and "...deepest ocean which we'll call 'WE.' I think you can do much better to conclude your poem. The ending is much too soft. It also appears as though it didn't take much effort.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think that you have a poem that is in need of much improvement. The imagery you use is kind of confusing. I can see where you are trying to get, but you are not quite there. Your poem kind of seems to go in circles. This happens when lines are not well thought out.
I am not sure what the first line of your poem means. "You set my mood upon your smiles." The person person performing the action and the person taking ownership of it is quite confusing. With the second line of your poem, I am not sure what the "it's" is referring to.
With the second two lines of this stanza, I am not sure how "portraying you in my life" makes the composer ask, "where have you been all of my life?"
By the end of the first stanza you already have confused the reader. The reader has already lost focus.
The second two lines of the second stanza don't agree with each other either. "I could live outside my bubble / to save you from any trouble." I have no idea what this means.
This nonlinear imagery occurs and reoccurs throughout your entire poem. I would suggest sitting down and trying to reform your thoughts. I would try to write out what you want to say exactly. And then, when you have done this, I would go back and add imagery and other poetic devices to make your sentences into a poem. Like I said earlier, I can see where you are trying to go, you just have to get there.
The reader can only understand what the composer gives them.
The irregular rhyme scheme also makes your poem difficult to follow at times. I would stick to a consistent rhyme scheme. Some of it is slant rhyme, and some of it seems forced.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
You have a very good start to your poem. However, there are many issues that need to be addressed. I would have given you a much better rating if you would have just proofread your poem before you posted it.
In the first stanza, second line, the "B" in "Beautiful" does not need to be capitalized. I am also not sure that the word "coloring" is the right word here. You may have meant "colored." Maybe you did mean "coloring."
In the second stanza, the word "nights" needs an apostrophe. It should be "night's." In the second line of this stanza, "stagers" should be "staggers."
In the third stanza, "free born" should be one word. I would also not use a derivative of "born" twice in the same line.
There is a disagreement between the first stanza of your poem and the fifth stanza. In the first stanza, second line, you write, "Bringing [b]eautiful coloring light" and in the fifth stanza, first line, you write, "The colorless pallet of the streets." "Coloring" and "colorless" do not agree with each other. They are opposites. They are paradoxical and incongruent.
In the second line of this stanza, "then" should be "them."
In the sixth stanza, second line, I am not sure who "they can never outrun?" There is no indirect object. This is the same with the second line of the seventh stanza. "Until the sun..." does what? There is nothing performing the action.
The flow of the last four stanzas is a bit inconsistent and irregular. The flow doesn't match up to the rest of your poem. This is mainly due to the missing words and also due to the shorter length of these lines. If you read your poem out loud you should and will be able to catch this.
There are also some missing commas throughout your poem.
I enjoyed reading your poem. However, the lack of proofreading (misspelled words) and the choppiness of the last four stanzas (missing words) really made me lose focus.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
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