This is a reciprocal review on behalf of Iritegud, whom you were so kind as to have reviewed in the previous six months
What I like about this item...
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
A moving piece. I can only imagine the heartache that has resulted in this action.
I felt that the opening especially worked well. There was a good flow to the piece.
Did you get help for the emotional pain you have been feeling? I think that once you are able to do that then God-willing this behaviour will stop too. How old are you?
You may like to read "Invalid Item" another member said they found it helpful.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
I felt the last verse needed a bit of work. Especially the last line. The tone and rhythm didn't fit the rest of the piece.
Final Words...
I wish you well on your journey. There are many places on here if you would like to discuss this with people who understand.
This is a reciprocal review on behalf of Iritegud, whom you were so kind as to have reviewed in the previous six months.
What I like about this item...
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
This is a beautiful little piece. I am so glad you have this special experiences. They sound like wonderful memories.
There was some great colour and imagery in this piece.
There were some great lines too like 'A lovers touch on the face of the one who had been gone too long.'
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
'The flowers that she didn’t have to bother with spread in a carpet at her feet' - I didn't understand - meaning she wasn't a gardener then?
I think this could be placed in a better format. It was more like notes then a story and I would have liked to have seen it developed into a full story. Or maybe a poem would be better?
I think you have a lot to say and a lot we can learn from. I was very interested to read about your granddaughter and sad that she had to go so far to school.
Typos/Corrections
'That smile sent a wave of warmth coursing through her that glowed much brighter then the sun.' - than the sun
Final Words...
I wish it was summer. This piece brought back memories.
This is a reciprocal review on behalf of Iritegud, whom you were so kind as to have reviewed in the previous six months.
What I like about this item...
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
A very well written article. While the subject is one that generally does not interest me this was a joy to read.
You keep the article moving at a nice pace. The tone is relaxed and inviting.
I liked all your research and the humour you added. Both key ingredients to a good essay. The examples were very helpful too.
I thought the ending finished off what was a good piece.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
I personally don't see the point in new year resolutions. Your article did not convince me to keep any.
I would have prefered if you had written an article about how to change your life - It would have been on similar themes, but would have taken away the nonsense of all this new year stuff. I like to learn something when I read essays and this article only confirmed my view to stay away from all of this.
Your tips were good and I would have liked to have seen that developed further.
This is quite a realistic piece. It is real-life for many in India.
I think perhaps some on this site will not be able to understand it. I would try and bring in more description and show rather than tell.
I am personally in favour of women raising their own kids and don't think women should have to work in worthless jobs just to make ends meet. However, where we can benefit our family and society - that's a good thing.
You were asking about my background in your last e-mail. I'm British with Indian parents.
I totally agree. I gave up watching the TV almost 5 years ago. It is very rare not to watch TV. I think on WDC there are more that choose not to watch TV than the general population because they are busy reading and writing - but for me that wasn't reason I gave up.
I gave up because while it was entertaining it was mostly trash. It is addictive with little benefit. From what I hear it has only got worse in the last few years with the introduction of reality TV. Do you think it's popularity will decrease?
I rated this is so highly because I liked the topic and wish it was discussed more. You make some good points but I think as a piece of poetry it could be worked on. There are some long parts which would be better shortened to fit the format.
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
Wow! This is really good. I was very moved by this piece.
You have labelled it as a story - it read like it was true. If it isn't then I am guessing it is very well researched.
I learnt so much from this piece. I love it when work does that. I can so imagine being the one to stare - eventhough that would be the last thing I would want to do.
I have written about my own experiences with the homeless. I liked this piece because the two main characters were both addicts. That is something that I would like to know more about. I find by using two similar characters you were able to explore angles that seem akward from other perspectives.
There was some good imagery and I could really see and feel things.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
I would love to have read more. I felt at times you told rather than showed. Maybe you can add more sights and smells.
I felt more time could be spend discussing why they chose the paths they did. I felt that it was superficially covered.
The advice I hear is not to give money to the homeless, although I feel so much for them that I have to give something - is that a good thing or not?
Final Words...
I thought the ending was very good. Realistic. I hope more homeless get off the street.
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
This makes for a very fascinating journal.
I have already learnt a lot and you covered some interesting areas here.
It would be interesting to see how this progressed.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
The meaning is clear but I think the writing could be polished a little - an example is heer 'Or maybe some child's daddy or mommy won't come home from the hospital ever if I don't give what I have to help.'
I was wondering why you were not that keen on knowing who you had helped.
'I don't really need a huge outpouring of approval from everyone else.'- I think it would be better to say what you do need. It gets a bit confusing when you say you don't need, but then need something.
Could donating be a self-serving gesture. How? Why do your loved ones object? This would be a good way of expanding this piece.
'Despite some previous annoying times with various places in the hospital' - I was confused...you have been in hospital before? That whole appointments and the use of the word time confused me at first.
I felt that a lot more information could be offered in this piece. I don't really know anything about patients who need a bone marrow. Can anyone donate? What are the side effects? Did anything worry you about the procedure? Was it easy to get time off to do this?
If there was a shortage then why did they wait so long to get in touch. It would be helpful if this piece was more detailed. It seemed rushed, when more details would be interesting.
Final Words...
I'll have to look further into bone marrow transplant. I am OK with donating blood, but not organs. In Islam we believe that the body feels pain after death. We don't agree with organ donation. When someone's time comes then then we should try and accept that. I don't agree with drastic measures to save lives.
This piece has a lot of potential and it would be interesting to see how you get on.
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
I enjoy travel stories. I love travelling and would like stopping as a child to get sweets and things - who wouldn't hehe
You paint a nice holiday memory - eventhough it doesn't seem that way. I think it is strange how sometimes in the situation you wonder why you bother - but it is afterwards when lives have moved on and things changed and you are left with that memory - that's when you are glad you did.
I liked the surprise ending. I had to read it twice to make sense of it, but it was creative and interesting - especially considering how ordinary it is.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
I think your work would be more suited to a longer more detail piece. From reading your work so far it would have been interesting to read more descriptions here.
I think that the presentation needs work. I had at first thought that this was poetry because of the way it was presented. I think people would enjoy it more if it was also correctly labelled. 'Other' won't get many views.
Final Words...
It is a lovely sunny day in London today which made your piece even more enjoyable to read. Can't wait for summer!
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
The title and opening are interesting and draw the reader in.
I like the tone and style of the piece. It is interesting and makes the reader want to read on.
In the opening of the second paragraph I like how you are very clear in what you say. It is sharp and to the point.
You make a very interesting point about poverty vs segregation.
You paint a very vivid picture of your childhood. It is easy to picture and I like your descriptions. I think that this topic would make interesting reading on its own. Do you have more stories on the subject?
You support your argument with some interesting points and I enjoy reading works like this.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
I found the opening a little confusing. It was lacking the clarity that was present in the rest of the piece.
While I have no reason to question your tolerance to other people I feel that you could have tried to have been more convincing when you spoke about it. You have portrayed yourself so far as being very relaxed, and I think you needed to do a bit more so that the reader believed those claims.
Some of your sentences are very long and I would try and work on that.
I think that this subject is controversial and I would try and present more arguments in your favour. I am British and so was wondering what people would say who opposed your view point. Could you say anything in your defence? It would be interesting to present those views here too with your opinion on them.
I think when trying to persuade someone you don't need many arguments - sometimes one strong one is enough. I felt that the one you make isn't sufficient...the reason is that it is obvious. I don't think anyone said they don't care about poor white people. However, as I am not familar with this issue I would wonder how supporters of affirmative action have reconciled this issue.
Final Words...
An interesting article. I can see you are a talented writer and I enjoyed reading your views. This piece has great potential.
I really enjoyed this wonderful and insightful read. You pose some interesting questions and I like how you explain the problem.
The article flowed well and I liked the little story at the beginning.
I am a Muslim and I could appreciate a lot of what you were saying. I found the one thing that hindered my enjoyment of this piece was phrases like this 'I think God had had enough' - those parts didn't sit well with me. In Islam we don't talk about God as if he had human qualities, and I guess the personal touch here seemed awkward to me.
I agree that we are all here to worship and glorify God and that we all have different gifts and it is about being grateful for those.
I have been wanting to read clean adult fiction and it is something I find hard to find at my library. I have wished that more Christian and Muslim writers stayed true to their values. 13+ or 18+ works sell more copies but like your article says - would that please God?
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
A powerful piece. What an ending. I think one needs to give this piece a chance.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
At first this piece did not make sense to me. It grows on you though.
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
Your brief description said a lot about the message you wanted to convey in this piece.
This is a very disturbing picture you paint here. It is a powerful image and I think you built it up well.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
I didn't understand the connection between the brief description and what you have here. This piece seems to lack an ending. I didn't understand the purpose of it and I would be interested in hearing an explaination of it.
On re-reading it perhaps the clue lies here 'Then, she was naked
her soul bared to the world' - Is this what you mean about being open - not physically but emotionally exposed?
Final Words...
You create a disturbing picture and I would have liked to have seen more explaination to support it.
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
This piece was colourful. It was light-hearted and creativie.
I liked this line 'I'd spill all my pitted secrets,' - very interesting. A nice play with the words.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
I am not an expert on poetry and I get the feeling this is following a certain form - but can't see it clearly or put my finger on it.
I found that this piece honestly did not hold my attention. I didn't feel that the message was clear.
I also thought that there was a problem with the flow of the piece - but I don't want to be harsh as I know poetry following a certain form can be very difficult. It is irritating when others don't see the pattern, right?
Saying all that I would check your syllable count to makesure that everything flows as smoothly as possible.
Final Words...
Well done on getting this published that is an awesome achievement. It was a difficult prompt to work with I would be happy to re-rate this if the style of the poem was explained.
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
Some lovely messages in this piece. I enjoyed it!
I loved this part 'extravagant sharing' - wonderful!
I do think that we can gain a lot from sharing, and it bothers me how much celebrations are obsessed with presents.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
This piece was quite complex and I was reading very carefully, as if trying to solve a puzzle.
I would love to see this presented better. Neater lines and better structure I think would work well...and some colour too!
Final Words...
I think many will gain something by reading this piece.
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
An interesting point 'We have no knowledge of others. We know not if they live or suffer as we. I fear we are the last of our kind.'
The story is creative and unique.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
I had to re-read this a few times 'Once, millions of our kind existed, so said the Seer. We shall see those numbers again." I didn't know what a Seer was but I looked it up. I think that the character should be explained more before this point.
'I looked at Margash, the eldest of us all. He nodded in agreement. “Tis true, Guardian. Denk held the last eggs. Not a single one of us can stow. The Stermines have won.” - I think too many names/characters are mentioned so near to the end of the story.
Typos/Corrections
'We die and we die at hands of an enemy not unlike those who fed us the virus' - Do you need a comma here somewhere?
Final Words...
I am not such a fan of sci-fi, but I can see that your writing has potential.
This review is being given on behalf of the "Invalid Item"
What I like about this item...
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
I can see you have special holiday memories.
You describe the places well. There is clearly a lot to see and do.
I did get a good feel of the place as you showed the reader around. I like the mention of what you eat and do and the sharing of cultures in this way.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
'Small cobblestone walking paths' - I think you could delete the walking part.
I don't think you need this part 'If you wanted to visit some of the shops in this area you usually parked in the lot or on a driving street two or three times removed and walked up to the center.' - Your writing is clear without it.
I wonder who is your audience 'There is much I could write since my stay in Bad Hersfeld ran from 1989 to 1992, but I’ll say a few more paragraphs to capture the feel of the times before moving on to Christmas in 1991.' - If it is family and friends, maybe fellow Germans, then I would keep this part. However, I think most w.com readers will only be reading this piece and not looking to read other travelogue - therefore I would try and structure the piece so that you don't get sidetracked. Too much detail and a feeling that you can't cover everything, will I am afraid not interest the general public.
I would look at comma placement here 'From mouth watering Kase Brotchen to smooth Hefewiesen beer, to flavorful pork jagerschiztnels, to cultural volksmarches, I loved being completely immersed in the German culture.' - It is also very long.
'I truly think our lives were met to cross' - meant?
Final Words...
I think if this was edited and was more concise you would be better able to hold the reader's attention. I think there are too many details as it stands. This often happens with non-fiction where the author has a lot of personal details to convey. However, the reader I think would be better able to enjoy and appreciate a few of them.
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
This was a funny piece.
The story was told well and I loved the tone of the piece. The voice was really strong and I could hear it in my head lol.
I loved the part about changing the shirt.
There were some nice twists in the piece. It's amazing how much you packed into one small story.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
Maybe you could mention needing to some privacy to get changed?
I also thought the piece was a little confusing with the family coming in and then the sneeze. Is there anyway to make it clearer what is going on?
Final Words...
I really liked the main character. Your writing brought him to life.
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
I saw your contest and think it is wonderful what you did for others. I think many would have benefitted from sharing their stories.
' I have video proof that I strutted around the room singing, "It’s my party and I’ll sing if I want to" as I tried to encourage others to get up and sing.' - very cute and colourful description.
WOW! An amazing set of achievements.
'many don’t recognize as something to take seriously' - how awful is that.
'Just because I did something yesterday doesn’t mean I can do it today.' - A powerful line. Very well expressed.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
'That was when family and old friends were sorely neglected by me,' - this part confused me...maybe it is because you didn't include this group in your community as others might?
I would like to have seen some break in your list of achievements. After every few perhaps you could highlight one. Describe it to us. The laughs, tears, someone you met or a conversation you had. Just to break up the list a little.
'the newsletter had only 50 regular' - wow 50 is a lot! Get rid of the only hehe.
'But that was then and this is now, and something happened in the meantime' - I would slow the story down a little and try and get out of list mode. This is not to say you want to edit this piece but my feedback might help you generally when writing non-fiction.
At this stage I would try and pick a defining moment when things changed. Maybe it was a small or big change...I don't think that matters. But getting us to set our eyes on this new you, will get the reader to really see the differences in your old and new life.
I think if you edited this a little the important bits would remain but you might get more people reading this.
Some of the paragraphs were very short and I would look at the structure again.
Final Words...
A very fascinating piece. Thank you for sharing it with me. I am sure you don't want pity. I admire your courage and determination. I am sure there is a lot you can teach us. How are you finding it trying to get work again?
I wish you well with all that you do and am glad you touched so many lives in the past and will continue to do so in the future.
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
I have been on w.com a long time now and thought I knew all the ways to gain more exposure for my work. However, the newsletter tip hadn't crossed my mind.
This article was presented well and informative.
The tone was very encouraging and I think everyone who read this would go away and try at least one of the easy methods suggested.
I liked the part about communicating with other authors on the site. I think those that reply to reviews get noticed more. Also I think it is important to engage in discussions with other authors. When authors know your views they are more likely to visit your port or recommend it to others.
I have tried the sponsoring route and I think it is very effective. I am glad you mentioned the cheaper option to. I hadn't really thought of that.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
With regards to the newsletter tip...I think it could be modified. I don't think your port would be viewed if you simply asked a question. I think the way the question is presented is important to. Perhaps something like 'I write a lot of poetry and wanted to ask...'
I also think that you could have mentioned submitted items to the newsletter for consideration. A plug on there is great exposure.
You forgot to mention that the gps gained from placing reviews on the public review page could be used in gaining more exposure. Some people might like to use them to bid on port raids in auctions.
Other methods I use to highlight items in my port are - sigs, handle changes, port raid contests.
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
It is an interesting poll. I think it is relevant and could be discussed further - perhaps in one of the discussion forums on here.
You offer a variety of options which is good.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
How can anyone take your work seriously after you wrote 'Thousands of illegal aliens pour into the U.S. every year'
At best it is rude, and at worst it is spreading hate.
I think it would be a good if you wrote a detailed article about the issues that inspired this poll.
As a Brit I don't feel able to comment with the information given here. I would like to have read a for and against article so I could get a clear picture of things.
I have written pieces that are controversial and I think the best way to put your opinion across is in a calm and concise manner. Expecting people to just understand your point straightaway (and agree with you) isn't really going to happen.
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
I love the imagery in this. I could almost taste the strawberries!
You write some really good descriptions. They are detailed and precise.
Your work is very colourful both in it's presentation and writing. I really enjoyed reading this!
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
I didn't feel like I was reading poetry. I am wondering if your style is more suited to a story.
The structure was long sentences, and I am no poet - but think that short and sharp would work better.
It is your work but for example this line 'I pick a gorgeous bunch of wild strawberries to satisfy my growing hunger.'
Might read better:
Gorgeous wild strawberries
satisfy my growing hunger.
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
A very interesting piece. This got better as it progressed. I enjoy reading non-fiction. I think people can learn a lot from it.
I really enjoyed reading the family scenes. There was less comparisons (see below) and I felt you were at home with this style of writing. It was clear what was happening and I was gripped right till the end.
'"Lord, what is that sound?" - This was an interesting part. A little mystery is good.
I was amazed by this line 'But, I thanked God that He kept all of us safe' - It is wonderful to see such strength of character at such a time.
How did you survive in 1 room? How long did you live like that? Did you get much immediate outside help?
There was some good storytelling and description in this. I especially liked moving around your house and seeing exactly what you saw and felt.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
I thought this was inspired by real-life not about it. As I read on that became more clear.
I felt this part could be improved 'as if it weren't even there'
You use the word darkness close together.
I don't know but this didn't sound right 'The darkness kept shocking us' - I think shocked us would sound better.
Not sure about this line 'trying to watch what I could only hear' - I had to think about it and it does make sense, but perhaps will throw some readers.
I felt there was a few too many comparisons. I usually think they are a good addition to a piece, but here I wanted to see what was going on - not have to work out what it was from all the comparisons.
I felt that this was like reading 2 items rather than 1. I found the first half very vague and felt that your style was more suited to poetry. The second half in my opinion was a good example of an article or non-fiction piece.
Once you got inside the house and introduced all the characters there was a lot of questions that I felt could be asked. I think you could have spent a lot of time discussing what was spoken, felt (tiredness, sickness etc.)..you could also mention the clear up in more detail...just some ideas.
I am returning the auto-reward gps as this was already paid for.
Final Words...
I am very glad you are OK. I would be interested in reading more about your experience. If you have not already you might like to write an update. Does an event like this change the long-term future for you and your community? Would be interesting to read about.
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
This seems to be a very personal piece. Written for a special loved one. An uncle?
I think it is great that you are offering them guidance and support. You are right in saying that material possessions are pretty meaningless.
I like the compassion in this piece. There is an air of forgiveness, understaning and sympathy. Beautiful touches.
I liked the beginning. That really was filled with so much love and care for others.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
I felt you had a lot to say and that this would perhaps have been better in an article form. This is described as poetry but sadly I didn't think it had that touch.
If you want to improve this as a piece of poetry I would start by looking at the structure. The lines are a bit all over the place.
I think poetry needs more structure. If I write non-rhyming poetry I need to keep the lines short and sharp.
Final Words...
I hope your loved one was able to take the help that was offered.
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A moving piece. I can only imagine the heartache that has resulted in this action.
Suggestions... 
I felt the last verse needed a bit of work. Especially the last line. The tone and rhythm didn't fit the rest of the piece.
I wish you well on your journey. There are many places on here if you would like to discuss this with people who understand.
Typos/Corrections 
'That smile sent a wave of warmth coursing through her that glowed much brighter then the sun.' - than the sun
I really enjoyed this wonderful and insightful read. You pose some interesting questions and I like how you explain the problem.
I would be happy to re-rate this if the style of the poem was explained.