This is too touching and too personal for critique. Thank you for your commitment to the welfare and life of your comrades and for your testimony of God's grace. It is all too lacking in our world.
Write on.
Things I liked: The common sense down-to-earth advise is always appropriate. Good metaphor, too.
Things I didn't like: One or two references were a little trite, like "noggin." The use of "unforgivable" in the sentence seems wrong. I think "unforgiving" would be of better use. Unforgivable sounds like you are not forgiving the mountains. I think what you mean is that the mountains don't forgive you, at least they don't forgive foolishness.
Metaphors, Meanings: I've already said I like the metaphor. I hope you didn't mean to imply that your wife is a horse, but I appreciate that you took her flowers.
Things I liked: The view the speaker takes of the world or the universe that does not ignore the people.
Things I didn't like: It ends negatively. There are negative things in the world.
Form: Free verse, but with even lines. Loose meter.
Rhyme: None
Comments: I didn't find anything happening. The speaker only saw the world, but nothing changed. He didn't have an epiphany or grow from the experience. Some of the poem is very descriptive of the night sky and the analogy to human frailty is engaging.
I read another poem in you port. It rhymed. I like rhyme, but I'll have to look at it again later. Gotta go.
Things I liked: This reveals a truth about love. One always loves more.
Things I didn't like: Nothing.
Form: Ordered irregular verses.
Rhyme: None.
Comments: The poem flows smoothly, and it reads well. I was carried by its sadness and strength. The character learned the same lesson and a better one, I think: that this is not the end. She will find another and better love while he seems to be stuck in declining mode.
Things I liked: The meaning is excellent. Observing change and being able to adapt to it is one element in growth.
Things I didn't like: It does not read smoothly as poetry. The verses are not consistent
Form: It is sort or ramdom.
Rhyme: Some rhyme, but it does not scan.
Comments: It almost has the consistency and rhythm and meter that would make it conventional. But without that control, it might work better as a prose poem. I don't write prose poems much, but you might try it.
Things I liked: I like the rhyme, somewhat complex with multisyllable words, the rhythm, and the meter.
Things I didn't like: Not much to complain about.
Form: Couplets.
Rhyme: Solid, well, maybe a little slip on apprehension/question, but it reads well.
Comments: Good beginning. I checked you port to see what else you had to offer, and was disappointed to find nothing. Did you join recently? That must be the reason. I look forward to seeing more from you.
Things I liked: The dicotomies and contrasts are excellent and give the meaning without excessive description. I really understood the rationalizations--I use lots of denail myself!
Things I didn't like: Nothing much to complain about.
Form: Good, tight, clean.
Rhyme: On target--I think rhyme works best when it highlights the important points, and yours certainly does.
I enjoyed the sentiment of the poem, but I felt you stretched for several of the rhymes. I think that cost the poem meaning and accuracy. I always like rhyme, but it only works well when it enhances the meaning of the poem.
The form was consistent and appropriate. At least, I liked it.
Things I liked: I like it when a writer takes a strong stand. You made no bones about hating spiders. I appreciated the spelling and grammar--it is good!
Things I didn't like: I was disappointed that you didn't tell more about them. What do they eat? You did point out the beneficial aspect of their preference for other vermin. What are the effects of bites? Are all spiders poisenous? Their eight legs might make them seem very sinister.
Metaphors, Meanings: What are other associations spiders have? Have you ever investigated aracnaphobia?
Comments: There is a lot more you could do with this piece, especially since you have such strong feelings about.
Things I liked: The details in this piece are great. They hieghten the suspense and increase the tension. But they also make it very real. I've been there and done that. Time and life take over somewhere in the middle and you are no longer in control.
Things I didn't like: I don't find much to criticize or even disagree with.
Metaphors, Meanings: The mother image is excellent. Mothers come in a variety of types and sizes, but we are all stuck with what we have. It doesn't necessarily mean we have to be a carbon copy.
Comments: I found this refreshing and human and real. I am at a place in my life that has questions that defy answers: You just do what comes next.
This paper or essay is scattered and difficult to read. I agree with your cliches but you don't explain or explore them. I hate to rate low, but still, I want ratings to be meaningful.
Things I liked: Gripping, graphic images. The repeated line gives the poem a central focus and sense of dread.
Things I didn't like: Nothing to gripe about.
Form: Again, the repitition lends form, but it is loose, not quite ordered metric verses. But it is appropriate to the message. Even though you "don't go there anymore" it seems the images are inescapable.
Rhyme: None.
Comments: Powerful, but still vague. The cause of the destruction is not revealed. War, fire, drugs, hate, evil - it could be anybody's blood.
Things I liked: The venture into another dimemision is difficult and absorbing. The idea coming from a cemetary is also appropriate.
Things I didn't like: No much I didn't like.
Form: Free verse. Good use of free verse. I usually like a more regular meter and form, but for this one it fits.
Rhyme: No rhyme. I also prefer rhyme, but I can live without it.
Comments: Anything that focuses on spiritual realities is difficult to write. It is difficult to conceive of those ideas and relate them to others. We are bound by physical dimenision and physical realities and those are the only analogies we have.
Things I liked: You choose a difficult form. It is challenging.
Things I didn't like: I think you need to recount your syllables. Some lines don't fit the pattern. You didn't reveal much about the tears or why they fell. Is there more to the story?
Form: This is a difficult discipline.
Rhyme: None.
Comments: Can you add another sequence? I want to know more. Write on.
I love this. There is far too much information to read or review in one sitting or even in several, but it is a great source for poets. I'll be back. Many times, I think!
Things I liked: The story is emotional, realistic, and moving.
Things I didn't like: A few words and phrases seem to be out of place. "scoped out Manny's small apartment,"--"scoped" seems a little casual or odd in refering to the tradition, English priest. There are a few other words or phrases you might look at, too. Reread the story and make sure your words don't compromise the tone and mood of it.
You repeat "he" a lot. See if you can restructure the sentences to minimize that.
You never explain the reason the locket is so important. Was it a gift? Did it have a special significance? That would deepen the impact of the story. A flashback to the time he gave it to her would be a good addition.
Why had he waited so long for the funeral?
Metaphors, Meanings: Death and loss are always forceful events. What does her death mean for Manny? What will change in his and his son's life? How will he cope?
Comments: In spite of all my griping, it is still a moving story. Write on!
This is an interesting little story with a neat twist on the "be care what you wish for" theme. Well done. I am sure it could be expanded or lengthened, but then, I only recommend that if you have some new points to bring up.
Things I liked: The emotion was good if I caught the mood you intended to portray. I got loss and loneliness.
Things I didn't like: Many questions unanswered.
Metaphors, Meanings: A woman is gone, but she may be coming back. She left her shoes and cosmetics. I sense seeking for connection but I don't get any promise of it.
Comments: Good job. It could be explanded! Write on.
Things I liked: I like the story, the suspense, the twist at the end. I like the emotion and the complex interaction of emotion and action, of human failings and remorse.
Things I didn't like: Sometimes the narration changed from present tense to past tense. I realize you were filling in back story and remembering past events, but be careful to maintain the same tense for the narration. You could drop Edward's name in the earlier part of the story to prepare the reader for his appearance at the end.
Metaphors, Meanings: The story is rich with allusion and reference to past events and future ones.
Comments: Good story. Good dealing with grief and guilt. Good job. Write on.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ghaynes64/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/3
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.21 seconds at 5:01pm on May 15, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
