Things I liked: The warning to consider the consequences of your actions is always appropriate and needed.
Things I didn't like: Breaking the lines makes the poem read badly. It lends a boring sing-song cadence. If you lengthen the phrases and use iambic pentameter or tetrameter, it would read smoother. For instance:
"Smoking hot tires and shattered glass" reads better. Put the comma at the end of the line.
"shrouds" should probably be "shards."
The third line would read really powerfully like this:
"A dark place of sadness as vision goes black"
Form: Good. Rhyming quatrains are classic.
Rhyme: Mostly solid rhymes, a few stretched, a few near. You can tell I like rhyme.
Comments: Read it aloud. Then get someone else to read it aloud. Listen for the rough spots. Read Robert Frost aloud, and Emily Dickinson, and Shakespeare. Train you ear to find the kinks and bobbles.
I read this one then the other. I like the other one better. The rhythm in this one is difficult. The long lines and multitude of adjectives renders it awkward. I like the details and the metaphors, but altogether it loses power because it does not read well.
Things I liked: I like the graphic and detailed way you tell the story.
Things I didn't like: I don't like the theme because I have counseled cutters and found them sensitive and damaged. I wanted to help them find a better way to relate to the world and to themselves. I learned something about myself, but I felt helpless to help them.
Form: I like quatrains. The poem would probably benefit from consistent meter and line length.
Rhyme: I noticed the rhyme scheme changed. It would be better if it were consistent, too.
Comments: Good job. Do you have others I might look at? I'll check you port. Write on!
Things I liked: I liked the way this evoked my thoughts.
Things I didn't like: It could have explored more deeply your own observations. But if your aim was to cause the reader to reflect on his/her own experience, this is better.
Form: It's a prose poem, I think. For poetry I like the tight, sturctured poetry with rhyme, rhythym, meter, etc, you know, all that old school stuff.
Rhyme: None. You have some excellent word images.
Comments: Maybe I should check out your port. You have the skill to create the other stuff, but this one makes me want to describe or reflect on my own event. Good job. Write on.
Things I liked: The idea and premise of the poem is fine.
Things I didn't like: Thee? This is definitely for the effects gained by rhyme. Choose another word and make it work more smoothly. "Thee" might work for Shakespeare, but today you are stretching it.
Form: Free verse
Rhyme: Random
Comments: When you have a powerful focus and meaning don't foul it up with a stretched and inappropriate rhyme. This has potential. Write on.
Things I liked: Hey! You're new and you've posted. We like Newbies here. And you responded to a challenge. Way to go. Your story had a plot. I like plot.
Things I didn't like: You fouled it up with a few words of narration. Or if you were telling it to someone else and that was part of the dialogue, you didn't identify them. Address someone in your dialogue to make sure the reader knows who you are speaking to.
Metaphors, Meanings: Nothing deep with obscure references. That's O.K.
Things I liked: I like the repititions. I found them effective in emphasizing the authors connection with the people. I felt he was trying to consolidate them into a united group, but they didn't always respond.
Things I didn't like: I like rhyme, but I thought some of the rhymes were for the sake of rhyming rather than meaning. For instance, the poem intends to relate a true story, so "fiction" is just used for rhyme. Reshaped the "depiction of fiction" phrase.
Form: Free verse
Rhyme: Ocassional for effect
Comments: Good job. Write on. I'm glad you have begun to finish them. You are getting there!
Things I liked: I liked several phrases and images.
Things I didn't like: I found the poem somewhat confusing and obscure. I was not sure she was talking to--the mirror perhaps, but that didn't track. Whoever it was wasn't named.
Form: Free verse.
Rhyme: Two or three random lines. They did center attention of the "finding and seeing."
Things I liked: I like this poem. I liked the rhythm and the rhyme. I liked the mystery and the kinship you expressed as being identified with the wolf.
Things I didn't like: It could have been longer or described more of the wolf's characteristics. Oh well, do another poem.
Form: Excellent--I like quatrains, too.
Rhyme: Again, excellent!
Comments: I peeked at your port. I'll be coming by now and then. Good job. Write on.
Things I liked: I like this one better than the previous one I reviewed. It is tighter and it rhymes. I like rhyme and meter.
Things I didn't like: The strange contraction "you's" threw me a little. It can't mean "you is" and it can't be possessive form. You tell me, or just drop the apostrophe s.
Form: Four foot lines of rhyming couplets. Tight and well done. Nothing pops out, no really creative word choices or phrases, but good, solid rhymes.
Things I liked: The idea. Beauty, value, and worth are not determined by appearance. I hope you explore this further.
Things I didn't like: In line 10, the subject and verb are not in agreement. Everyone is, not everyone are. There are a couple of typos or omitted words that leave a sentence unfinished. Use spell check. It should be "bulemia."
Form: This is not good form for poetry. Even a prose poem should be concise and sharp. Your use of the word "beauty" is confusing. In the first line you say that beauty is only skin deep. Then you develop the thought that beauty is inward, unrelated to a mask of makeup. Perhaps you could change the beginning to say "Beauty is not skin deep-it resides in the foundations of your heart."
Rhyme: NA
Comments: I applaud your thoughts and social conscience. I hope you continue to write and refine your thoughts and expression.
I usually review using a template with points to consider, but this piece defies my simplicity. It asks disturbing questions and provides equally disturbing answers. My most profound meditations occur when I write and wrestle with scripture or ideals or my own sin. I don't have any obvious points to make about the poem, but I do admire it.
Things I liked: It dealt with life events and deep emotion.
Things I didn't like: It was confusing and obscure. Sentence structures was a little mangled and comma use needs some revision.
Metaphors, Meanings: The effects of loss and death are discussed and explored, but there is no indication why the loss is so traumatic.
Comments: You might try reading it aloud to find things that need to be fixed. A description of the person who died or, at least, a reason why it is so important to the character would hlep.
Things I liked: Good descriptive phrases and passages.
Things I didn't like: The character doesn't seem to be insane, but fiercely angry. There are no signs of psychosis or magical thinking, no visual or auditory hallucinations. Cutting the wrists is a bad way to commit suicide. It is by far the most popular, but also the most boring. If you want to cut, go for the jugular.
Metaphors, Meanings: Driven to suicide for the loss of the loved one is an oldie, but a goodie. Still not my favorite.
Comments: I wrote a piece on suicide. It might give you some ideas. It is in my Prison Stories folder. Write on.
Things I liked: The action was immediate and gripping.
Things I didn't like: Grammar and punctuation were very bad. The character seemed to be a flying predator, but the details left me unsure.
Metaphors, Meanings: Obscure
Comments: I scanned another story and chose this one to review. It has the same problems. When you leave things vague, the story loses the power to move, scare, or impress the reader. Define the characters and their actions. Vague threats don't play well. Write on.
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