Things I liked:The yearning and joy is palpable. The comparison to seduction, luxury, and royalty were powerful.
Things I didn't like: I didn't like the text in caps. It made reading more difficult. there are a few errors, and they do compromise the flow and meaning.
Metaphors, Meanings: Already mentioned--seduction, luxury, royal presence, and also the power of possession.
Comments: Good job. I like the sacrifice for the sake of the goal. In securing it, there was joy, but the joy overflowed in performance. Write on.
Things I liked: Wild vocabulary! What makes moonlight anorectic?
Things I didn't like: Information and sensory overload. The dying may call out, but on the whoe I don't think the dead ever do.
Form: Prose poem
Rhyme: N/A
Comments: I was uncertain of the theme and the intent of this piece. It does acknowledge a striving toward "change" and "positive thought." "love and kindness" are considered "paper thin" and "sub-emotions." I found it degrading to human emotion and effort. I kinda feel the need to wash my hands.
I didn't get the message you were trying to reveal. Your thesis is not plain and your logic is flawed. You did not stick to a point or develop it.
The only point you returned to centered on the love of God. Yes, we love God and God loves us. But God does not forgive our sins because He loved us. He forgives us because Jesus was the sufficient sacrifice for sin.
Return to your central theme, and focus on it more closely. Use paragraph breaks. Long blocks of unbroken text are intimidating. Read Bible scriptures to build your argument.
I don't have anything bad to say or any corrections to make. This is very good. Perhaps it should be in a sad volumne on a table by the window that welcomes misty dawns or smokey twilights. It deserves a wider audience than WDC.
Things I liked: Good, straight-forward information. There doesn't seem to be much one can do to reverse Alzheimer's after symptoms has been observed. At least that was the state of things when I was in Neuro class. "Use it or lose it" is still valid.
Things I didn't like: Not much not to like, except that awful disease.
Metaphors, Meanings:
Comments: There are other types of dementia that could be explored. Treatments may be interesting and similarities may offer insight, but it may extend beyond the scope of your piece. Good job. Write on.
Things I liked: I like the thought behind the poem. To view the world with new eyes is blessed.
Things I didn't like: The rhythym and meter were irregular and the rhymes were stretched.
Form: Good! Quatrains are my favorite, easy to follow and understand.
Rhyme: I prefer rhyme, though it is not absolutely necessary. If the line is so contorted that the meaning is lost, the rhyme is ineffective. If the rhyme is stretched so that the scanscion is preserved beyond the limits of sense, it is useless.
I thought you describved it pretty well, at least, from your viewpoint. You could improve your sentence structure, spelling, etc., but your emotion and your need are loud and clear.
I suppose you really wanted the line by line analysis, but this computer wont play ball. I'll try it on the other computer if you want me to. Write on.
I'm not sure I am qualified to comment on this piece. The language and vocabulary are technical and sophisticated beyond my ability to read it quickly for a cursory review. It attacks issues and systems that are out of my meager grasp. I recycle plastic, but I have no influence on the world's consumption of goods and services. Governments and legislatures are required for the kind of changes you seek. The final metaphor of Passover and Communion was condeming, but I'm not sure how to understand it.
This is truly powerful. There are a few typos --aren't they the worst? But on the whole it has great language use and the terrifying nature of the lamb surrounded by wolves is tactile. The sturcture is excellent too. Be assured that I like a poem to look and sound like a poem. Write on!
Things I liked: This piece is clearly written and well thought out.
Things I didn't like: I didn't like the self-abuse. I used to be a psychologist in a prison. Sometimes I had patients who were cutting, mostly as a manipulative strategy, but sometimes as self punishment. I am not criticizing your wiritng, but the premise on which you basw your action. You can't cut enough to satisfy God's demand for sacrifice. Jesus did all the sacrific that God will ever want. Your cutting is detrimental to the body He gave you. To damage it is an offence to Him.
Metaphors, Meanings: Your writing is brillian and your devotion is sincere. I will pray with you to see a healthier less destructive way to worship.
Comments: You say you worte this a while ago. Have things improved? Are you able to see the joy without the bloody cuts?
Things I liked: This is a sad and sincere tribute to a lost friendship.
Things I didn't like: I didn't like that you blamed yourself for the loss. Some things can't be changed, and you control only your side of the friendship.
Metaphors, Meanings: I thought you were referring to a friend who was homosexual. If I am wrong, please forgive me, but also be aware that you need not leave this kind of question unanswered. There seems to be some indication that friendships of this nature are doomed to failure.
Comments: Loss of friends and relationships, whatever the sexual orientation, is difficult. I am glad you are dealing with it in a productive way, looking for truth and seeking restoration.
Things I liked: The story has a continuing theme and connection from section to section. It has both suspense and anticipation.
Things I didn't like: There are some grammar errors and punctuation errors that need to be fixed. Capitalize all names, and the first word in every sentence, etc.
I don't think you ever said where you came from, and I wanted to know.
Metaphors, Meanings: You describe some of the problems emmigrants face: confusion, instability, language problems, education, etc. Those things are meaningful to your story.
Comments: You did well. The story is powerful testimony to your mother's efforts and your struggle. Good job. Write on!
P.S. If you would like me to review any other items, let me know.
Things I liked: This is true and well-stated--at leasted its my belief.
Things I didn't like: It is a little over-simplified.
Form: The form is responsible for emphasis and it does it well.
Rhyme: N/A
Comments: Some of your other work is more profound with more depth and insight, but this one is certainly not bad. Maybe it's just not up to your other stuff. Write on!
Things I liked: I like the bittersweet tone of the piece--a love never realized.
Things I didn't like: I am very cautious about adjectives. Too many make a piece seem to need embellishment; this doesn't need it. Strong verbs and nouns--and you used them--are the soul of good writing, strong writing. Use only those modifies, adjectives or adverbs, that are very meaningful.
Metaphors, Meanings: This piece represents the way life offers us little pieces of magic or romance or adventure that never make the front page, but enrich us as individuals.
Comments: You could also use first names. You don't have to, but it would make it a little more tangible. Good job. Write on!
Things I liked: This poem reveals deep and painful emotions. It tears at the heart. It seeks help and recourse.
Things I didn't like: I was confused by it. Some of the words don't quite track. In the first line, I think you meant "breathe" instead of "breath." I didn't get the reference to "moth" except that it is drawn to the light, but the blind can't see the light to be attracted.
Form: Free verse.
Rhyme: N/A
Comments: It is striking and painful, and much of it is understandable since it acknowledges the pain and loss of the blind man that does not understand his world, but I would like it better it I didn't have to guess so much.
However, I still found it gripping and please don't let me hinder you. Write on!
I found two spelling errors--line 1--ruch should be rush, and line 15--dieing should be dying. It is powerful recording the meaning of war, at least to one side of the conflict. Bot both suffer. I guess that's the overarching meaning--nobody wins.
Good thought and good advice. Have you thought about the length of your lines? An 8 or 10 foot line might improve the meter and make the poem flow better. Read the sonnets or Robert Frost or William Shakespeare for an example.
Things I liked: This poem has a focus. It goes somewhere.
Things I didn't like: Self abuse seems to be a popular theme in writing now. I'm not sure that is the only way to talk about depression.
In the second verse one of the verbs need to be changed to agree with the other. "she closes her eyes/and lay there in her bed." Either make it "closed her eyes" or "lies there in her bed."
Form: The verses are defined, but not regular. It works if you don't mind the irregularity.
Rhyme: Some random rhyme, but not a major characteristic of the poem.
Things I liked: I like rhyme. Yours was consistent and appropriate. I liked the theme. I like self-reflection. It provides an opportunity to grow and change.
Things I didn't like: One or two lines could be shortened by one foot. They seemed to be wordy.
Form: I like quatrains. Can you tell I'm old? All the 19th century stuff still sounds good to me.
Rhyme: Again I like it.
Comments: Good job. Write on!
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