Hello Another Thing To Dust ,
I am judging round 5 of "Invalid Item" . Thank you for your entry.
Opening Thoughts
I found this to be a sweetly written poem that seems to be about the source of your inspiration, or that of the narrator's, anyway. It is not clear to me whether the narrator's muse is an actual person or perhaps somebody they have made up in their mind, but either way, this reads as a very touching love poem. I think anyone who has been in love will be able to relate to this piece.
Use of prompt
The prompt for round 5 was to write a poem on any theme, in the Rondeau form. The Rondeau has fifteen lines and three stanzas: a quintet, a quatrain, and a sestet. The rhyme scheme is as follows: aabba aabR aabbaR (lines 9 and 15 are short - a refrain (R) consisting of a phrase taken from line one). The other lines are longer but all of the same metrical length -- for this round you were asked to write in tetrameter.
You have met some of the form requirements, but not all of them. You have successfully used a quintet, quatrain and sestet and each line (barring the refrain) contains 8 syllables as specified for this round -- good job with these specifications.
However, there is an error with the rhyme scheme. Again, barring the refrain, the Rondeau only contains two rhymes -- lines one, two, five, six, seven, ten, eleven and fourteen should all rhyme with each and then lines three, four, eight, twelve and thirteen should rhyme with each. The lines used in the refrain do not need to rhyme. In order for this to be a true Rondeau, you would need to fix the rhyme scheme.
There is also an error with the use of a refrain. The refrain should be taken from the first line. Usually the first half of the first line is used but if this doesn't work, it is permissible to repeat the whole of line one as a refrain. One way of fixing this would be to find a way shift the first stanza around a bit so you can use the final line of this verse as the opening line -- then this would fit the form requirements.
Grammar and Wording
The grammar seems fine to me though I wouldn't profess to being an expert in this area! When it comes to punctuation, the only thing I would change is the semicolon at the end of the third line in the final stanza -- I personally feel that a colon would work much better here to tie these two lines together.
The wording and syntax mostly seems fine to me though some lines, for example line eight, feel contrived as they have been twisted unnaturally to fit the rhyme scheme. This doesn't appeal to my personal taste but it seems to fit the whimsical, almost quaint tone you have built up in the poem. I'm kind of torn as to whether or not I feel it works!
Poetic Devices and Flow
You have used lots of poetic devices in this poem to great effect -- I love the use of metaphor. The idea that a person can be "every tale ever told" is lovely and evocative. You have used alliteration well too -- it is quite subtle which makes it sound natural, helping to give the poem a strong and distinct sound and flow. Speaking of the flow, this poem mostly trips along beautifully, in my opinion, and I love the way it reads when read aloud, but I have an issue with the opening line of the second stanza. The meter seems to falter here and I am wondering if there is a way to rephrase this so it reads more smoothly. The only thing I can come up with off the top of my head is:
The books I write will tell each breath
Or share each breath? Something like that! I'm sure you could come up with something if you agree with my point.
Emotion and Imagery
I think you have done a fine job with both the emotion and imagery. I can feel the love behind every word in this piece -- the narrator is clearly completely enamoured of this person who inspires them so much and it is beautiful to read and share in. This poem makes me reflect on how it feels to love so much and be so loved -- I am lucky enough to know what both are like and I think you have done a wonderful job of capturing those feelings. The emotions spills over the stanzas of this poem, but it never feels too much and it doesn't feel fake or forced.
There are some beautiful images and descriptions in this poem too -- I particularly like the image of the gold-flecked eyes in the opening lines.
Message and Theme
I interpreted the theme to be inspiration and the message to be love -- these come through very clearly and are easy to connect to. The narrator seems to be addressing someone they love dearly and their love for this person inspires them, fuelling their writing. It must be wonderful to have such a muse! I almost feel jealous!
Creativity
I feel there is a lot of creativity in this poem. The idea that a person can be such an inspiration that the very essence of them imbues everything the other person writes is striking and conveyed in a touching and original way. I have read hundreds and hundreds of love poems and am pleased to say that this one sticks out positively to me. I am impressed that you have managed to explore a common theme in such a striking and stirring way. This is no mean feat!
Closing comments and rating
Overall this is a wonderful poem but I am finding it difficult to rate! I very much enjoyed this piece and feel that it is wonderfully written. However, I am judging a contest with a prompt and unfortunately you didn't quite meet the requirements of the prompt. Therefore I think it is fair to give a rating of 4 stars to reflect my enjoyment of the poem, and also the errors with the form. The writer/judge in me feels that these errors should be fixed to make a true Rondeau. But the reader in me feels strongly that you shouldn't fix it! Perhaps leave this piece and have a second attempt at the Rondeau form! Thank you for sharing your work. I hope you have found this review helpful.
~Jess.
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