hi,
Mimi. That was beautiful. It is free form, mind stanza's are four lines long usually. As you said first atempt. If this is your first, I can only believe that you can get better. However I do not know how. Believe she will love you, and with this she will.
hi,
Winnie, I am sorry, but I am a snoop. So, you have someone in the family. Who was there?
I relate, but what I wonder is why we were at war. I know the communists. Maybe the oil.When I was little I was taught that the UN or before that the League of Nations were to absolve war.
I take it, we will never learn. In my portofolio I have a peice called the dove. It was what the kids were saying, when they were drafted. I understand for country, and patroitic ramblings. I remeber Kruschev banging the heel of his shoe on the desk in the UN. To stop the Americans of calling for a police action.
And the Cuban Missile crisis. I was a kid then a child really, but when will we learn. Why do we not allow them to do as they were bid to do.
hi,
Winnie, that could cus a problem or two. It was good, the O'Douls might object, but that is what they do. I found it was good to read. Thank you for the piece. I hooe you do not mind I took a look a round and found I like your work. Take the time to relax, and calm the troubles seas, that roll in, it is a sin. Keep the faith
hi,
Winnie. That was impressive. My parents have passed, However the only think we can do is remember who they were. What they meant to you. I hope your life goes well. Dream of the peace that is there. I wrote the dream, I think you might be able to relate. Take the day as it comes.
Smile and begin anew, love yourself, look at all the good you have done.
hi,
Wrath. It was beautiful. Only when your writing a memory indent on both sides. With the indent key. Like when you read a letter in a story, how do they do this. Is by doing that. Or in memory I saw this or that. Than carry on with the memory. I can relate, asmy parents have passed. Keep the faith, that is all you can do.
That was beautiful. The flow of words were like breeze in the spring, could envision the green of the grass as the suns gentle rays touch down upon it, that was elagent and serene it has as true beauty to it. Thank you to allow me to read such beauty.
self love is wonderful, to love your self is what we must do before we love another, The idea is what the teachers of phillosiphy tell their students. You can love your self with your flaws, That is what we do? We accept them in ourselves. The work is done, when we see beauty in who we be
hi,
Danza. My grandfather was the greatest too. He and grandma would do anything to please us kids. We ate more cookie dough than cookies. They made us feel as though there was nothing we could not do. The belief that we were blessed is something. I have always felt, when I think of them. Check inside my portofolio, open the dove.
Memories are the best things to have. They do not fail you.
hi,
Lynda. That was very , it gave the children the history without being to complexity in supplying the answer to the reader, even I did not konw that. Than again I may only be book smart, As my nose is usually in a book, but I like to learn things, also to write what I feel. To allow others to see beauty is what I do.
The piece needs work. Paragraph the peices where they are speaking rathe than making it one big paragraph, The story had its points there were good. The description was good. Having the piece with I (being the girl) was okay, However make it more slow to realize that I was a male who had been transformed into a female. In reading it, I was notsure if he was a she male or not. Give the reader the clue/ Abit sooner. Aside from that it was good.
hi,
Lindsay. You should maybe play up the point of him being drunk. His eyes were blood shoot, his mouth tasted as though he ate a couple of dirty socks. Every sound was too loud. The chirping of a bird was like a horse racing over a wooden bridge to his ears, Roarig quiet. Wishing he did not do that, too. Does this help. Let me know.
that was beauty=iful. Your work is worth the read. If you could you take a look at the The dove. I am in impressed with your use of the words taht you have choosen to use.
Surprise is great, like the time I entered my nieghbors place via a window to allow his friends to celebrate his birthday , but he did not know this. So, he want out for the evening, and got back at 2 am. When he walked inside. They screamed surprise and he was. Surprise.
hi,
Joval. As you were saying needs work. First break the paragraphs apart so as that the reader can see them more clearly. They are to much black ink. If you go in and buy a paperback, they are not filled cover to cover with them. Try and be more concise, if you can say something, with two words rather than ten do, so.
I know I am one to talk. It is just a suggestion. I enjoy reading your work.
hi,
Jovial. THat was good. It drew me in, allowed me to feel what the journalist was feeling. What had happened to him there. Mildred was or is still a living being in the story. It was well created, it allows the reader to see, what you wish for them to see. Only suggestion is for you to double space your paragraphs. It becomes difficult for the reader to follow otherwise. It was great.
hi,
sereading. It might be a help if you break paragraphes into segments like double space between them. It allow the reader to beable to see your work more clearly. Also try and cut back on the usage of words. In wone book onwriting it warns about peickingup a book that is filled with black ilk. Concisity is better. Your opening has to draw the reader in, the story was about him and Y. Not about the car's problem of parking. Maybe have him relate to Y in that she looks at the car and he remembers his girl friend whoom he had just lost.
Difficulties with girls is usual, it is in main stream society.
It is good, just to touch base.
Check out the letter. by Richard it is in dark ghost, horror
hi,
Kimmy. The story has quite abit going for it. You have to underline the importance of the facts that you have laid out for the reader to find. Undrstand that the matter before the reader must be recognized, in the opening portion of it you describe Nex as being a witch who has awakened a member of the dead. She herself does not know or understand how? Her prevailence must be matched and recognized by the members of the readers who are reding the matterial.
She does not wish to return Jack to the land of teh dead.They have a task before tham that must be realizeed.
hi,
yeyo. The story gives itself some reason for the reader to continue on in this piece. It is like a painter producing a picture one brush stroke at a time. I am impressed with the work thus far.You have allowed the reader to see more with one word than most do in their entire composition. The story makes the reader wish to continue on it is race across the page. Thank you for the story,
hi,
yeyo. It was gritty with a cold hard sense of violence that was with a great deal of impact to it. Allowing there reader to see what the hero was feeling. NOt allowing there ader to draw one's breath unti it is over. The story grabs you and does not let go. It pulls you in like the undertow of the ocean. You struggle to draw air into your lungs but are unable too.
hi,
EyeQ. THat was more well developed. It caused me to rethink that facets that you had written previously. The story has a complexity that draws the reader in allows the reader to see the being before the peice is complete. It is no longer what appears to have been a dream disjointed. Now it seems to held together a structure that is whole. There is mortar and bricks rather than sand that will be eroded by time.
We see things, that were missing. Th eothe rpiece was like that of a dream instead of a reality.
hi,
arlelle. The opening is omnious, you save a girl who is being pursued by mena who wish her deadf no doubt. Ahe is someone you do not know, yet are willing to save. The next instance you are at a hosipiatl trying to arrange for her to e helped, which is commendable. The doctor suggests you know more about her than you are letting on.
When you look at her again, she is as she was. But she says, she is your past present and future. Her form turns into an old hag. You are frightened , bu you swear you will findout sho she is and why she appeared before you and who the four men were pursuing here,
hi,
Douglas. The opening suggests, that there is soemthing to fear from the new kid in the class room. Sidney chooses to harm him, to tell him who is the boss here. Xavier does not react, it is as though he feels insecure in his development/ There is a mystery to him, that yo allow the reader to wonder about, seeing as that he seems stoic and calm.
You suggest he frightens you. With his demeanor. What he is hiding urges the reader w=to what to know more about him.
hi,
Gold. The story sounds like a romance, she is upset that her world is going to be turned upside down As is his by his company. Realizing that they love each other is a good option in character development. Continue on in this work, great work so far.
Sincerely
Richard Edwards
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