hi,
Jacob.Break the chapters into separate pieces. That way the readers can determin what should be done to the chapter piece by piece. Try and to allow the reader top follow the thought process. The sword is passed down to another being to destroy evil. Keith I take is supposed to be the next one to take the sword. Maybe have him see what he is supposed to do. Begin to give him some motivation for this matter. As it presently sits.
Give the reader a reason for him to think that he should this. He is a passativite. There has to be a reason for him to be called into service of the being that will hand him the sword.
HI,
Corrine. That was good, I figuired it was her husband's idea of a joke. However it was her pet that was there with her. My compliamence to you. This was very good. Keep at it. Dear lady, I will have to check out your matterail more often. I am impressed with the writing you have done.
hi,
Lynda. I can relate, as I suspected someone was, but she was not. I quickly apologized for my gaff. We are still friends though, No one knows until one asks the stupid question. That is something, I should have learned long ago. How are you doing?
Hi,
colbert. the opening on top of the rood top, made me want to continue on. The dynamics of the piece has a lot going for it. They (the Toyko's Angels) want to be noticed. They want to have the Yakuza realize that they are there.
Crashing a party of theirs will no doubt do that. It would suggest, "That they have the guts and the brains to be able to do this."
The yakuza might not take to kindly to this, though.
hi,
Lynda. The story had me biting. I thought one thing. The end was a curve ball I did not see coming in over the plate. I figured she was going to be nestled in his arms, instead of where I suspect she is going. The discussion or rather the advert that she liked what she saw involving him. Until she checked the garbage.
hi,
AJ your usage of the language is good. Why do you feel so, alone. Spread your wings and fly into the sun drenched sky. I enjoyed the piece, that you wrote. You have worth as do we all. At times we do not see it in ourselves. Take your time to talk with others and you will see. That yo are worthy, at times we do not see it in ourselves. Keep your head up and smile as you walk into the room. Do not give up.
hi,
Corrine, Great story. I am sorry about not checking into your portofolio in while. However this story is very good. Anne May saved the character, however it was her spirit that did this. I did not see, it coming . The story was good. The mother pf Anne May could not believe what she was saying. Until she presented her with the fabric her daughter gave to her to save her.
hi,
Geoff. That was beautiful. I enjoy reading your work. It is good by far. The identity of the peice is yours. You relate the fact as if you ahd first experienced it, the description is real. You ellude to the fact. That, it was the first time you have seen the moon that color.
hi,
Geoff. That was a unique ending. So, he now knows where he should have been. The people who are there have a feeling that they have been somewhere before. The lose of memory is troubling to those who have it. Even us who do not have an illness such as that, still forget on the ocassion what we were doing? Or remember at a way late time what they had been doing. I can relate.
hi,
Hedoren. The story has a humorous note for a scaring story. It does have its appearance of being frightening when the wizard goes up to face the ghost who occupies the house. The ghost is not impressed with him. He tries to be nice. The ghost does not wish to listen peacefully to his request. Throwing his weight around to force the wizard away from the house.
hi,
Geoff. Good attempt at it. The peom is only a synpopiss of what a haunting is. Ghosts are real beings who have not been called over to the land of the dead. There are instances where people are unable to be released from the hold these beings have on them.
Some people beieve they are imaginary, those who have come in contact with them know different.
hi,
Geoff. So, he has found love. They are blessed with hope and desire. It will lead the people to believe hopes have been obtained by him. The characters seem to be alive. The sense of development is coming along. They are now walking away from the building where they have been enteraining each other.
HI,
DARK. I suspect that there should be more than one page per chapter. The opening has gotten the attention of the reader, which is what you desire. The reader will be wanting more I think., than this portion of it. Usually we are told to reduce our stories, however your work is needing to be allowing the reader to understand the reason for this to have occured. Whose sacred blood had been spilled.
I understand why this is of importance, maybe allow us to see into his dreams. Further to show how the blood had been spilt.
hi,
Ellis. I can relate, I am probably one of the adults or their age group. Some of us felt the same way you did in regards to us. Or rather what you think, we are thinking. The future was supposed to be where we could relax work shorter days and be able to play. The rich do this, the poor do not. We struggle each day. To survive.
hi,
Geoff. He sounds like your average male. After all we think of sex 24 hours a day as Freud said. We usually desire a woman to have it with unless we are interested in our own sex. This looks to be his stream of consiousness that you are describing. You have my interest, so. I will read more tomorrow.
hi,
TJ that is good peom, it seems to be your jest to tell a tale of some form of sorrow.
The icelanders are a hardly people as that is where they live, the reason they named it that was because it was nice area. Where as greenland is basically ice and snow.
The norsemen named it that to deter people from coming to visit,
hi,
TJ, It sounds like you enjoy solitude. To be able to relax and just take it easy, the things that have happened to we human's only make us stronger. If we are willing to look at the things. We have learned through our errors on the ocassion we do not see it until it is too late. Example as three mile island.
hi,
Zazar. The piece is good, only if the reader took in to consideration what you told him or her in first bit of it. I read a bookon writing which said,"If yo are going to allow a dead figure to tell you the story. It is better to allow you to see this in advance.
I suspect he is dead, Wynter was trying to explain this to him. I suspect that was what she was doing? It is a great piece please continue on with this piece.
Thank you for allowing me to reade this.
Sincerely,
hi,
Geoff. The dialect has something to get used to. It is about a man who walks along way. Finds himself before some old factories that are abandoned. The road is quiet as is the street, there are numerous factories all of which look to have been abandoned long ago. He does not know where he is going. New to the city having a place at a hotel. Wanting to explore his city he does this.
Meets a child who he talks too, asks if he can have something to eat, the boy gives him three hard boiled eggs inside his apartment finds picture that look like vincent Van Goes work.
hi,
Geoff. The girl has to come to terms with her position She has to find something that she can hold onto through this emotional struggle that she is going through. Something tangible to her mind's eye, not something you can hold on to. No, but something she can believe in for her own salvation. The belief that she is dirty and filthy maybe have her look into a puddle to see herself. To believe in who she is? To believe.
hi,
Alexander. Great piece, it allows the reader to see hope, than to have it quenched by what he has allowed to be there in his place. I did not expect it, it was properly done to create the effect you were going for. The being is within the person writing this piece. It is whole as it is in his mind. Which is something which can not be released or held.
hi,
Monick, Great story, it draws you in the plight of the homeless. The need of food is tanatmont for the people who are that way. To find shelter is also something that they desire almost as much as food. To create a feeling of hope and than to allow a monster to descend into his midst is also good. Congradulations on it. Keep at it.
hi,
Monick. The tale is good it explains how one feels who suffers from depression. The mage who attempts to bring him back to the land of hope, is aware that it will take time to do this. I enjoyed it, as I have depression so I can relate to this tale. Not sure who to turn too. What they can do is offer hope and salvation. However you must tell them as to what works and does not. However some of your gifts before will not be able to retain them, but to give up means. It has to be looked after. First and foremost.
hi,
Geoff, It sounds a lot like the usual tales that couples have. As I and my wife have. You would like to know, what she would really like to do with you. But she is evasive, so you do not know as to what to do. Maybe she was asking you to surprize her. By doing something for her use your imagination.
Like one time, I got up early, a ranged for her to go to a restaurant than to go to a spa for an hour and half, just to say. I love her and got her a dozen roses. Just to say, I love her.
I just did it to tell her that. No celebration, like her birthday or anything. Hope it helps.
Sincerely
Ricahrd Edwards
Richard Edwards
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