WHAT WORKED----This short story shows a lot of potential. It seems like the opening scene to a much longer story.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----The long paragraph seems like a conversation, as opposed to her just thinking the whole thing, and as such, each person's dialogue should be a separate paragraph.
OVERALL-----Whether this is the beginning of a longer story, or the middle of a book, I would love to read more of this story. It is an interesting storyline.
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WHAT WORKED----
This is a plainly written poem with the encouraging message that life can bring change and good things, just like the changes of the seasons.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----The style of the poem was smooth and consistant throughout.
OVERALL-----This poem left me with an 'unfinished' feeling. There were two characters, one's decision was changed by the other, but what happened to the man at that time? We know what wille ventually happen, but does he follow her, or follow her original plan? It just left me with an empty, needs more, feeling.
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WHAT WORKED----You're right, this is good and it is honest, and it reflects how many people feel as they pass through their years in this plane of existence.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----There were no spelling or grammar errors, and the piece had a consistent flow throughout.
OVERALL-----I like this poem. It's a little depressing, but very honest, and gives the reader pause to think, reflect, and consider their own life.
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WHAT WORKED----This is an interesting, inspirational story of one woman and how she changed the world around her through prayer, work, and love.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----
“Didn’t he always want to put in his own business?” ----- 'put' seems strange. Is this a colloquialism I'm not familiar with?
asleep in one the bedroom that was --- delete 'one'
hospital beside their daughter’s side, ---- it's OK, but try changing 'beside' to 'by'
The prize for first prize actually for more than a million --- This needs work. I'm not sure what you want to change, but it isn't working the way it is.
girl continued to her fight to breathe. --- delete the first 'to'
prefer we send the prize money, we can. --- I think insert 'to' after 'money'
from stand inside the front door. ---- insert 'the' after 'from'
The use of a spell checker is always a good idea.
OVERALL-----This was good. Near the end, I wish you had mentioned the amounts of the last three checks so we would know how much she kept for herself (since she obviously kept some or wouldn't have been able to get the weekly help). I also have to think that they would have figured things out when three checks arrived to enhance lives so closely intertwined and within such a short period of time. To be truly anonymous, she should have spread out the distribution a little more. That part just seemed a little rushed.
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WHAT WORKED----This is an excellent story. I liked the way the story built slowly, then came to a logical, positive conclusion.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----
supposed Gayle just stood ---- suppose
Russell whirled in his chair to stare at his wife’s uncle and the woman followed him and slipped into place behind the other table. ---- There's something 'wrong' with this sentence. The idea is there, but the wording is slightly off--- maybe insert 'who' after 'woman'?
Judge Wright viewed those at the first table. “Mr, Higgins?” --- change the comma after Mr to a period.
OVERALL-----I know the final paragraph wraps things up with a happily ever after ending, but I think the story really ended more powerfully with the previous paragraph. It ties back to the title, and is a solid termination point.
This is a great storyline. I can see the potential for expanding this story, adding the back story which led up to the original situation, and even chapters about the seven missing years. The potential is huge.
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Being a self confessed Poetic Traditionalist, I am totally lost by free verse and blank verse and other modern poetic forms which do not use structured stanzas and strict rhyme. This article has been very helpful. It has helped me grasp the basics of the free verse style through explanation and example.
I will be referring to this article often, not only in my future writing, but while reviewing all forms of poetry.
WHAT WORKED----This is a good story. It is well told, with good character development. From beginning to end, everything is presented in a logical way and holds the interest of the reader.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----Whew! Where to begin---there are multiple run on sentences; you use 'there' when you mean 'their'; and you have paragraphs which contain multiple main subjects and should be divided into several shorter paragraphs.
It would also help if you double spaced between paragraphs to make it easier to read.
OVERALL-----This story is good. But, it could use a very slow read through during which you should pay attention to the spelling and grammar. You probably used a spell checker, but there are still multiple places where a real word is used in the wrong place and needs correcting.
Once you have made the corrections mentioned and that you can find, let me know and I'll take another look and see if there are any you missed.
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I like this very much. You present a clear story of love and searching and loss and finding. While it is in a poetic format, I think it is more like a saga, an epic, with the passage of years condenced into a few lines.
WHAT WORKED----This story has a good storyline and was developed logically.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----from gravel bitting into them. ---- biting
Bitting her lip, she ---- biting
livingroom ---- two words even though it is used as one quite often.
OVERALL-----There could have been a little more character development. When they started talking about their fathers causing problems, the reader has no frame of reference because we don't know how old anyone is or who their families were. I think the jobs of the fathers could have come out near the beginning, and this would have put things in perspective. Even a simple "I'm glad our father's worked
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WHAT WORKED----This is a great story told in rhyme and verse.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----There were no spelling or technical errors in this poem.
In a couple places, the rhythm seems to break slightly. In the line: This mirror has never been seen by anyone else alive.”
It seems the word 'else' is not necessary and causes a break.
The same can be said for the word 'that' in the last line.
OVERALL-----These are just my impressions. I'm not terribly good at reviewing poetry, but I liked this poetic story, and felt I could actually understand it.
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WHAT WORKED----This is interesting and moves along at a good pace through the use of dialogue. The characters are slowly developing, as is the plot.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----There were no spelling or grammar errors that I could find.
OVERALL-----
So far, it is interesting enough to make me want to keep reading.
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WHAT WORKED----This is very different, and thought provoking.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----
it consist of -- consists
OVERALL-----You do a great job of saying a lot with very few words. Your comparison surprised me, but with thought, I can see exactly what you are saying. Well done.
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WHAT WORKED----This is an interesting story, with lots of potential.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----
A young man was walking toward her from the other end of the alley with a murderous glint in his eye. -- As is, this sentence says the alley has a glint in it's eye. You need to move the last phrase closer to its noun. Consider: A young man with a murderous glint in his eye, was walking toward her from the other end of the alley.
and inhuman -- 'an' not 'and'
too real before her. -- 'to' not 'before'
was all to -- too
Sunday. Which -- comma, not period and no capital on 'which'
of onto her -- off
Please double space between paragraphs for easier reading.
OVERALL-----I was a little confused by his explanation of how/why she was able to escape from him the night before. Otherwise, this was a very good read.
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WHAT WORKED----This is good with a great twist ending.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----
The use of a spell checker is always beneficial to a good writer.
OVERALL-----I was hooked from the first sentence to the last. This was very good and contains a lesson for everyone----on either side of this story. Great job.
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WHAT WORKED----This is an interesting story with potential.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----
could have of the -- delete 'have'
her’s -- hers
wanted the photographs -- how do we know this at this point?
Please double space between paragraphs for easier reading.
OVERALL-----There just doesn't seem to be any logical segue between her in her apartment and the explanation for everything. It might help if you took some of the pre-murder stuff and put it at the beginning, then went to the current/apartment stuff, then ended with the logical conclusion. As the reader, we have no clue about what is going on, then suddenly are presented with a long, rather tedious explanation of the whole thing.
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TECHNICAL ERRORS----
She and climbed -- delete 'and'
OVERALL-----The story was great, with wonderful build up and great suspense----and then it crashed with an anti-climactic 'tragedy' which did not merit this huge emotional journey into history. I fail to see how this visit to a house to 'see' the results of the story she knew could cause her to cry or stagger or have any of the strong emotion you describe.
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WHAT WORKED----There is an interesting storyline in this piece.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----
Patricia’s -- Patricia
results of -- result
the three bodies. -- three? I thought it was two.
You may find it beneficial to check out "Invalid Item" as a way to improve your use of commas.
OVERALL-----Is the reader to believe that the parrot picked up the nursery rhyme after hearing it ONCE? It usually takes repeated exposure to a phrase for any parrot to learn it, even if the bird has a large vocabulary.
Also, it aggravates the reader when the case is solved using information they have no access to. The prior work record is a case in point.
The ending of this story had everything falling into place much too fast. There was great build-up, and then it all just miraculously got solved and the reader was left looking around for whatever clues were missed in reading too fast or whatever.
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TECHNICAL ERRORS----There are no spelling or grammar errors in this item.
OVERALL-----My views on all caps have been expressed in previous reviews, but let me add, freedom of expression is one thing, but if you want the message to be understood and accepted, the presentation is half the battle. If the reader can't read what you write because of the format, then the message will never be heard or understood. Bottom line, you have to choose between comprehension and nonconformity.
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