WHAT WORKED----
This is a wonderful story of perseverance, love, and how we should treat nature. It was well written and easy for anyone of any age to understand.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----
There were no spelling or grammar errors in this story.
OVERALL-----
I hope you have submitted this story to some of the children's magazines. It is wonderful and would be perfect for young children.
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Dialogue should be written so that each person's speech is a separate paragraph, not clumped together in one long paragraph.
Please double space between paragraphs for easier reading.
OVERALL-----Children are very logical creatures. It is illogical for the faeries to have approached the woman and then to have told her about the gold before finding out if that was what she wanted. That whole section of the story moved too fast after the slow build-up during the beginning of the story.
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WHAT WORKED----This is an interesting little story
TECHNICAL ERRORS----There were no spelling or grammar errors in this story.
The last two paragraphs appear to begin with a series of quotation marks which are probably typos.
OVERALL-----This is a nice little story, with a couple good messages.
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WHAT WORKED----This story shows a great deal of potential.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----
As I approach the candy cane partially hidden in the snow, a strange little elf suddenly appeared. -- the words 'approach' and 'appeared' do not match in tense. You have to decide if this is present or past tense, and be consistent throughout the rest of the story.
Please double space between paragraphs for easier reading.
OVERALL-----Except for the problem of mixed tenses, this is very well written. Once properly edited, it would make a wonderful submission for the December issue of many children's magazines.
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WHAT WORKED----This is a cute little sentimental piece. It holds much promise for a happy continuation of the story.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----
Gifts of pink dolls included will surround -- the word 'included' in this line confounded me. If it belongs in the sentence, I don't think it belongs where it is placed. I'm not sure.
OVERALL-----
I'm not sure how the phrase September's Child describes this story unless it is simply because the child was due in September. It seems no different than a description for a child born in any other month.
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WHAT WORKED----This is an interesting story with potential.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----
to be to busy -- to be too busy
wholeheartedly he knows that -- a period after 'wholeheartedly'
Bart Jumps out -- no capital on 'Jump'
ask no questions, -- 'any' not 'no'
face one he -- comma after 'face'
OVERALL-----I'm not sure I would want a child reading this, in fact, it disturbs me more than just a little. It struck me as cruel, sadistic, and totally heartless. Not a person in the story, mother, teacher, students, or main character, showed any sort of love or kindness except when the main character said Bart was his friend.
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WHAT WORKED----This story was funny, nostalgic, and shows potential.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----
The use of a spell checker is always beneficial to a good writer.
OVERALL-----The ending was a little flat. You say you talked to the store , but you don't tell us what happened or was said. It leaves us wondering if your son learned a lesson, or if a modern kid outsmarted his dad by having the money he needed. Basically, the ending needs work.
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WHAT WORKED----This is an interesting take on an old classic. It was interesting, seeing into his mind.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----
There were loose stones --- this begins a series of run-on sentences in need of punctuation.
OVERALL-----This was quite good. In my opinion, the story could have ended with the question. The rest was just a repeat of what we already knew happened. If you want the final two words, you could re-write to 'Did you hear what happened? ' And end with your final line.
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WHAT WORKED----This is a wonderful nostalgic story. It is well written with details that make some of us smile at old memories.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----
Please double space between paragraphs for easier reading.
The use of a spell checker is always beneficial to a good writer.
OVERALL-----I'm not quite old enough for WWII, but I remember similar car trips (less harrowing, but as memorable) in the 50's when we made the 100 mile trip to Detroit to visit relatives and it took three hours. With five kids and my folks all jammed in a woody station wagon, those old roads were an experience we only 'enjoyed' once a year.
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WHAT WORKED----You give some interesting background information, and lay the groundwork for additional stories, showing a great deal of potential in this storyline.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----There were no spelling or grammar errors in this story.
OVERALL-----In the last paragraph, you say the judge gave him the special license but then you say 'that's another story' when it was the story you just told. This doesn't make a lot of sense to me.
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WHAT WORKED----This is a great short story just begging to be expanded and turned into a book.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----
men when they think are attractive. -- delete 'when' or add 'they' after 'think'
The use of a spell checker is always beneficial to a good writer.
Please double space between paragraphs for easier reading.
OVERALL-----I love the way you tied the whole thing together through her name and his collection. A little more character development, some plotting, and you have a wonderful longer story, or even a novella.
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WHAT WORKED----This was well organized, and shows potential.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----
learn to sing -- learning
day to do interview -- insert 'an' after 'do'
The use of a spell checker is always beneficial to a good writer.
You may find it beneficial to check out "Invalid Item" as a way to improve your use of commas.
OVERALL-----Again, we have no character development, and no real grounding in the scene. We now know, after two chapters, that we are in Texas, but we have no idea why the main character is at this particular school. Until midway through this chapter, we didn't even know he was a day student as opposed to this being a boarding school. These little details make the reader feel they are part of the story and have an emotional investment in continuing to read.
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WHAT WORKED----This is interesting, and show potential.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----
You may find it beneficial to check out "Invalid Item" as a way to improve your use of commas.
OVERALL-----
You need more character development, especially of the main character. We know nothing about him, not his name or age or anything except that he went to a Catholic school.
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WHAT WORKED----This is a very funny, realistic, well written look at the world of 'torture' from the man's point of view. Well done.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----
Inquisitioner --- I can't seem to find this in my dictionary even though I know what you mean.
climber I would recall being -- delete 'would' to keep the tense consistent.
“Spandex is a privilege not right”. --- should you insert 'a' before 'right'?
stretched to point -- insert 'the' after 'to'
turns into parachute --- insert 'a' after 'into'
over hear -- overhear is one word
Anchorage Alaska called -- commas before and after 'Alaska'
You may find it beneficial to check out "Invalid Item" as a way to improve your use of commas.
OVERALL-----Above I mentioned that this is from the man's point of view. Women have solved most of the problems you mention by one simple expedient----they have a gym specifically for women where they wear comfortable clothes (even grubbies) and there are NO mirrors. It isn't pretty, but it isn't ego destroying, either.
Great job on this item. It was fun to read.
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WHAT WORKED----Short, sweet, and frighteningly realistic, this story is perfect. The ending was a true surprise.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----I found no spelling or grammar errors in this story.
Please double space between paragraphs for easier reading.
OVERALL-----To me, the sign of a good story (of any length) is when my interest is held from the beginning, and the ending is a total surprise. This story does that, and is funny! We can feel his pain, his frustration, and empathize because of our own experiences. This is extremely well written.
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WHAT WORKED----This is an excellent first scene for what I hope will be an entire novel.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----There were no spelling or grammar errros that I could find.
OVERALL-----I found their conversation a little simplistic and unrealistic because of his instant belief in her explanation and her assumption that he would not talk, but other than that, it is an excellent storyline. Let me know if you expand it. I would love to read more.
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WHAT WORKED----
You have clearly stated the obvious, which those who do not already agree, will continue to find impossible to believe. It is clearly stated, simply demonstrated, and (hopefully) not impossible to see some day, maybe even in our lifetimes.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----There were no spelling errors, and the presentation was consistent with the style of the poem.
OVERALL-----This was very well done. I wonder if the world could be covered in about 10 billion copies so people might read it and get the idea.
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WHAT WORKED----You did a great job of attributing everyday activities to your hands.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----There were no spelling or grammar errors in this item.
OVERALL-----Somehow, my mind is taking your innocent tribute to your hands, and turning it into a horror story where your hands are controlling your body and mind and you are helpless to stop them. A writer's imagination is a horrible thing at times. At least it shows your item gave the reader pause to think, to imagine, and to consider the potential for more to the story.
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WHAT WORKED----This poem has an interesting idea and shows potential.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----There were no spelling errors, but you break the presentation by only having three lines in the third stanza.
OVERALL-----No, I will not play games with the meaning. If a poem, or any piece, has a message, it should be clear and straight forward. The reader should not have to guess repeatedly. Failure to make your message clear means the poem is incomplete, in my opinion.
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