WHAT WORKED----This is a well written picture into the creation of a mistake-----or a perceived mistake.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----
we as humans make -- commas around 'as humans'
OVERALL-----When thinking about 'if only I could relive such and such', we have to ask a simple question--IF I had not made that decision, what things in my current life would not exist? Every decision we make changes our life and sends us down another path---a path which would not exist if we had made the other decision. Depending on the length of time since the fateful decision, many things, like jobs, spouses, and children, have been added to your life. Would you give up any of them to go back and change that decision?
WHAT WORKED----This was very well written, telling the story in a way that brought the reader into your life. The way you tied the beginning and end together was very good.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----
$250 dollar instrument -- use either the dollar sign or the word dollar, but not both.
OVERALL----The gift of music, whether an instrument, or simply CD's, is one of the greatest gifts any parent can give their child.
WHAT WORKED----Been there, done that, only my Gallina Centro was on another street, in another town, another state, in another country-----maybe on another planet. This was truly a walk down memory lane, a place we can find even if it isn't real.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----I didn't find any grammatical or spelling errors.
Please double space between paragraphs for easier reading.
WHAT WORKED----I can't say I've ever read anything like this before, but I will say it was interesting and thought provoking.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----In the last line, you say 'probably another way' as if you have explained the first way to get back on, and are now talking about a second way. I don't think that's the way this was meant. If not, 'a' rather than 'another' would be more appropriate.
WHAT WORKED----You make some interesting arguments for the return of the arts to our schools. The information is well presented in a logical format.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----
weeks of no school in -- 'off' not 'of'
maintain it variety -- its
individualness -- individuality
write fiction, and sings alto in choir, encourages everyone -- 'writes' 'encourage' These two words did not agree with their subject/verb.
Please double space between paragraphs for easier reading.
Extremely long paragraphs are very difficult to read. Please consider breaking them into shorter segments.
OVERALL-----You neglected the biggest cause for the removal of the arts from our schools----the lack of finances needed by the schools to maintain such programs. Until there are tax inititives and government programs to fund these programs, they will be lost.
WHAT WORKED----This is an unusual perspective on the world.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----
Please double space between paragraphs for easier reading.
Extremely long paragraphs are very difficult to read. Please consider breaking them into shorter segments.
OVERALL-----I liked this. It was very different. My only problem is with the fact that the ending does not tie back to the beginning, which would be so easy to do with a simple reference to the window in the final line.
WHAT WORKED----This is a very clear, very disturbing scene which could be part of a much longer storyline.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----There were no spelling or grammar errors not consistent with the characters' personalities.
OVERALL-----This short scene could easily be expanded. As it is, it is too incomplete to be more than a sketch. The character development needs work, as does the development of the relationship between the two men.
WHAT WORKED----This describes an emotion many of us have yet never really understand.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----
persons life. -- person's
OVERALL-----I can't help but feel there should have been more about the dead person and how her loss was relevant to your life. You cover the general sense of loss, but not the specifics. True, you didn't know her, but how does her death diminish your life?
WHAT WORKED----Amen! This is a wonderful, yet sometimes painful, journey through your world.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----I didn't find any grammar or spelling errors.
OVERALL-----This is a well written item, perfectly organized and presented. I enjoyed the walk through your life even though it brought back memories---not of war, but of other scars, both physical and emotional. I write for peace.
WHAT WORKED----This is an excellent essay on life. I love the way you end this by bringing us back to the beginning and tying it all together. Very well done.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----I found no grammar or spelling errors.
OVERALL-----This is painful and inspirational and absolutely perfect.
WHAT WORKED----You have some interesting ideas which you espress in detail.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----
hidden and no so hidden beauties -- 'hidden, and not so hidden, beauties'
whole life lead up to. -- 'led' not 'lead'
and like I said do the -- commas around 'like I said'
Please double space between paragraphs for easier reading.
OVERALL-----You need to take a detailed look at this item and reorganize it. You speak of the need for communication, then talk about beauty, then back to communication, and on to caring. The ideas are there, but they are scattered and need to be gathered into relevant paragraphs.
And to answer your last thought---yes, that may be the truth. More likely, it's just a matter of time before everything will be clear. Looking back from almost four decades more experience, I can say your ideas will change, but I hope your ideals never do.
WHAT WORKED----This is an interesting little picture into a seemingly serene life.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----
waited or are waiting for -- commas around 'or are waiting'
anxiously, awaited. -- remove the comma
hungry but wary trout -- commas around 'but wary'
Caught and released to swim and grow until the next stalker tests them. -- incomplete sentence
Please double space between paragraphs for easier reading.
OVERALL-----I was disappointed you didn't ellaborate on the desire for solitary fishing or not fishing from a boat. There was also the sentence about the 'first' only lasting 90 minutes, but no explanation of why it was so short. As a reader, I am bothered by these missing details. But it was still a good little story.
WHAT WORKED----This is very well thought out and presented in a logical manner.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----
Certain words, out of respect or simple grammar rules, are always capitalized. The list relevant to your item include 'Bible' 'God', and any pronoun referring to God.
OVERALL-----As an example of logical thinking, this was very good.
WHAT WORKED----This was very informational, as far as it went.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----
it will will provide a -- obvious typo
Please double space between paragraphs for easier reading.
OVERALL-----You failed to tell us the name of the beetle or the desease it causes, and there was nothing about how it is being fought, if at all, or if it is spreading to other areas.
WHAT WORKED----Wow! I was there, walking through the wood, listening to Mother Nature. You painted a beautiful word picture.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----I found no grammar or spelling errors.
OVERALL----I often use internet resources to help me set the scene for my own stories. Thanks to your descriptive style, I can now take my characters to Ashridge with total confidence that I will be able to write realistically about a place I will probably never see except through your words. Thank you.
WHAT WORKED----There was a lot of work whcih went into the basis of this item. It is logically presented.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----
This item needs a complete, in depth edit. There are multiple punctuation and spelling errors related to grammar conflicts. For help with commas, you might want to check "Invalid Item"
Extremely long paragraphs are very difficult to read. Please consider breaking it into shorter segments.
Please double space between paragraphs for easier reading.
OVERALL----I would be happy to add you to a list of those requesting in depth edits, if you desire. Please let me know if you would like me to do wo.
WHAT WORKED----This is heartwarming and was enjoyable to read. You have built up the story in exquisite detail before giving the surprising ending. Absolutely wonderful.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----I found no spalling or grammar errors.
OVERALL-----Anyone can write a story like this----it takes an artist to draw the kind of picture you did, and to add a surprise twist to the end.
WHAT WORKED----I didn't catch on to this storyline until the very last paragraph. Excellent! Maintaining some sense of mystery for the entire length of a story like this is very difficult.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----This story was technically perfect.
OVERALL-----I found the ending a little weak. The last paragraph is too explanatory, without enough punch on the last revelation.
WHAT WORKED----This is a very good depiction of love. The fact that it is between two women makes a clear statement to those who are less than tolerant of others.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----The style is open, but consistent. I found nothing technically wrong with this poem.
OVERALL-----I liked this poem. It was easy to read, easy to understand, and said in a few words what some can't say in thousands. Good job.
WHAT WORKED----You give a very detailed and accurate description of what many good writers I've spoken to describe as their 'dreams'. The characters are there, demanding to make their words known.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----
me the reader to -- commas after 'me' and 'reader'
that I see and words -- comma after 'see'
OVERALL-----
The two small punctuation errors notwithstanding, this piece is excellent and is worth the time of everyone on writing.com.
WHAT WORKED----This is an excellently written scene. It is descriptive without being obscene.
TECHNICAL ERRORS----There were no technical errors that I could find.
OVERALL-----Very well done. It is difficult to write erotica without crossing the line into obscenity, but you have succeeded admirably with this short scene.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jwortz/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/8
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.30 seconds at 1:02pm on May 04, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
