I admire your the goals you have set for yourself, and I've no doubt you will succeed at whatever you choose.
Your passion comes alive in your writing and I'm delighted to be educated about the academy.
I noticed a few things and I hope you accept my critique in the manner it is given--helpful.
Always spell out anagrams so that your readers will know exactly what you are referring to.
Punctuation is important and a comma should be inserted between New London and Connecticut.
Perhaps start a new paragraph so that your short piece will not look like one big paragraph.
"To get in to the academy you have to be rely smart and rely athletic" This sentence confused me because I was thinking of directions, and you misspelled (really) Perhaps you might to revise to include prerequisites of being admitted to the academy.
"you would lean the same stuff as students in Stanford would learn" Stuff seems out of line for such a prestigious school and your phrasing is awkward.
"That does how good the school is great things can happen here" This sentence is totally confusing
I thoroughly enjoyed your story, and it's funny, but I know about an ex-girlfriend's club. But these girls/women are very, very bitter.
You articulate a story very well, and your writing is very fluid.
I found myself smiling while reading your story, and that's a good thing.
I did notice that you like using ellipses. Maybe a comma every once in a while might add the right flair.
Kudos,
Lola
Your opening stanza gave me pause to wonder what country told you to chase success. I've always thought success would chase us.
Admittedly, I don't quite understand you metaphor about the CEO creating a pile of corpses, and your use of corpses twice seems a bit redundant.
You obviously possess a very fecund imagination as your musings seem to flow so easily.
Happy New Year
Lola
Your descriptions of a rainbow are so lovely, and you're right, no man could create such a marvelous entity, and that's why I choose to believe it's God's promise to us all.
If only the love between two people could be everlasting, but for most it is not.
Your musings are inspirational and you certainly have shown us your romantic side.
Kudos,
Lola
Your poem elicited such sad emotions from this reader. I can't imagine the sheer fright of whatever you or the person you are writing about is having to endure.
I found your expressions to be very poignant and tender; however, line two in the last stanza:
"It will a sure redemption bring," stood out for me as not belonging. Perhaps you could rephrase it in order to make it a smoother read.
Kudos,
Lola
I enjoyed reading about your faith, which by all accounts appears to be very strong.
My faith, currently, is not as strong as it once was, and I'm diligently searching for answers, mainly within myself.
Malachi 3:10 is the only reference where God tells man to put him to the test him by tithing. I understand that a single mother with small babies would have a difficult time making the choice whether or not to buy milk or give the money to church.
Your questions are valid, and if a husband and wife cannot agree on tithing, why wouldn't the one who wants to tithe more at least give her/his share. I cannot imagine God would punish anyone whose heart is full of charity
As for your 2nd question, would a parent refuse to bless a child because another child was disobedient? Do you really think God would do such a thing?
Happy New Year
Lola
You've written a really good essay that I hope everyone gets the chance to read.
Most of us in today's society, have encountered those rude of which you write about. While going through a grocery line not long ago, the line was moving slowly because the cashier was on a personal call. Of course, those of us in line looked at each other with sneers on our faces, but no one chastised the cashier, who didn't seem to care much for us.
You better believe that if that woman were to be in front of me during an interview, she would not be hired.
The old adage is true, if you have a job to do, do it well.
Kudos,
Lola
Your poem is so sad.
You've captured the spirit of so many women who have been disappointed by the actions of those they love. I can't imagine giving up so easily, but maybe the actions of the one portrayed as cold and distant were one too many
You relate brilliantly emotions, and I'm so happy to have found this poem.
Bravo,
Lola
You've penned a very amusing anecdote, and I must say you really gave the ending an unexpected twist.
Just when I was beginning to detest the parents, it became abundantly clear why they were concerned.
Needless to say, you are a gifted writer with a fecund imagination to propel you forward and upward in your coming future,.
There were a few things that stood out for me:
Perhaps you could note it was Josh who said or thought "It is time to shine."
And perhaps elaborate a bit on who was interviewing Josh.
All in all, a great read.
Happy New Year
Lola
Your poem seems to be wrapped inside your innermost emotions, but admittedly, I could not ascertain why anyone would be 'downed' at turning 18.
You certainly possess the gift of articulation, and I'm chagrined that I could not glean your meaning.
Happy New Year
Lola
I found renewed strength and courage in your testimony.
Thank you for sharing your story of love with us, and I've no doubt your message will touch the hearts of many, many people.
I, too, am struggling with my faith, wondering where God is, but I don't blame Him, I blame myself.
Please keep spreading your story because in today's society, we need to hear about the miracles that are happening all around us.
God bless, and I wish for you and your family a very Happy New Year.
Lola
Your poetry is absolutely beautiful.
While reading your words of wisdom, I couldn't help but feel inspired and encouraged by the pictures you painted for this reader.
Little things that we take for granted are extraordinary events that our Creator provides for us, and thankfully, someone like you comes along to remind us of the miracles that all around us.
Kudos
Lola
You certainly know the art of creating controversy within your poetic musings.
Some might mistake enthusiasm with the definition of zealot since enthusiasm is oftentimes hard to define, difficult to maintain, and impossible to fake; however, I do understand that there are some undisciplined people who act like miscreants.
I'm hoping your intent was to create a debate, showing the impasse some people reach.
Happy New Year
Having lived in California, I can relate well with your story, which I found to be very insightful.
All fifty states have their own weather situations with which to deal, but there is something to be said for moments of shaking helplessly during and earthquake. I know because I've had first-hand experience.
Your talent for writing shines through brilliantly, as does your flair for humor.
Happy New Year.
I was immediately drawn inside your nostalgic thoughts and I felt your longing for what was.
You so beautifully describe your innermost feelings and brought them to life for this reader.
The pain inside you came bursting forth and I completely understood your longing to want to go home to Scotland's ancient hills.
You are an amazing poet, and I thoroughly enjoyed the read.
Happy New Year.
Lola
You've painted a lovely picture of serenity inside your beautiful poem.
It is a special and unique experience when a writer if able to draw their readers in and allow you to feel an emotion so powerfully.
Your faith wraps around your words so brilliantly as you present us with a moment of sheer bliss.
In the quiet is where we find our answers, I believe.
Happy New Year and God bless.
Lola
Your poem drew me inside and provoked a feeling of empathy for the one articulating such pain and loneliness.
No one knows all the answers, but I understand how dreadful a circumstance can be when a person is lost in the moment, and you certainly express your innermost feelings brilliantly.
Your readers are left to fill in the blanks for themselves, which by all accounts seems to be a good resolution for the ending.
You indeed have a flair for the dramatic and I applaud you for you amazing talent.
Kudos
Lola
Although your poem is very brief, it tends to speak a lot, particularly to a heart that has and is living in the darkness.
What would seem like a quandary to most; a burden/hurdle in one's life, is only a stepping stone for the soul that knows true strength lies in bending down; kneeling on one's knees and simply asking our Creator to show us the way.
Your poem is truly inspirational, and this reader was touched by your gentle persuasion.
Kudos.
Lola
Your poem, although brief, has touched this reader in a very profound way.
I thoroughly understand how the rain comforts and how brilliantly you equated it to crying--brilliant!
That one word, six letters, is enough to silence anyone. The fact that you were able to articulate your feelings of fear and pain awes me to the point of realizing you are not only courageous, but you are shinning a light for those who cannot find their way.
Life changes when we least expect it, and you have provided a message that I hope will someday burst through the numbness.
Kudos.
Lola
I enjoyed reading your poem because you've flavored it with optimism and shown us how fleeting life can be.
It is imperative that we stop to smell the roses and savor the aroma or as you call it, feeding the soul.
Nourishment comes in all forms, and I do believe you touched upon the important sources, and very nicely I might add.
First stanza, third line should read (to feed your soul.
Very nice writing.
Kudos.
Lola
Your emotions run very deep, and you possess a great ability to articulate them.
Most of us can relate to your angst about having a certain someone notice you without disclosing to them how we feel.
Admittedly, I could not quite understand your next to the last stanza. What is it you are giving that your special someone is taking?
Perhaps I'm misunderstanding your unrequited love.
Kudos,
Lola
Your opening was catchy and humorous, therefore, I was hooked and wanted to continue reading, which is always a good thing.
The dialogue between Nick and Jason was easy to follow and quite believable as I've encountered some of the same questions, and if I may add some of the same frustrations.
I found myself wondering what in the world a rachet is and how it would be used. Needless to say, I found myself comforted by the fact that neither of them knew the answer.
Then ending was superb because of the humor you interjected. Most of us think it's a man's job to assemble furniture, and it was hilarious to find out it's also a woman's job.
Kudos to an up and coming writer; a very entertaining one.
Your ability to articulate your feelings is excellent; to the point of allowing me to feel your pain.
The last stanza offers encouragement and shows your willingness and strength to overcome. Bravo!
Your writing style is explosive with emotions that kept me clinging to your every word.
I get so caught up in my stories sometimes that I have to stop and remember the present moment of my life. I'm not sure if you were caught up in your daydream or if you actually met the mystery woman.
I love your writing!
Lola
I love it!
You've so wonderfully described feelings that I'm sure most of us at one time or other have felt.
You are indeed a very talented and prolific writer.
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