Great use of repetition, imagery, description. "she rots here" was a shocking phrase in the midst of quiet, sad resignation- it captured the violence of loss that remains under our facade of moving on. Nice!
I rarely give a 5.0, but this one needs it. I love love love the rhyme scheme here, in all it's varied patterns- first abbc, then abab, then ending in aaba, using repetition to etch the image permanently on my mind. Too many strong phrases to pick a favorite: alliteration like in "scenes in sepia", personification like "A hill that overlooks her grief"- they stick to my mind like... well, like that hill that shadows her grief, that is{/} her grief.
I really really like your images and the rich emotion woven through this, but find myself distracted in my bias against such formless, long lines. I would like it much better if you left the words the same, just simply split the lines in meaningful, short phrases. As it is, the flow gets hung up, especially in lines 3-5. (I also prefer capitalizing, if you are going to use those periods, but that's another of my personal preferences. Poets, of course, are free to flaunt all conventions......)
Nice metaphor! Try to make the tense consistent throughout, though- I'd put the ending in present tense. It would engage your reader more actively. (just my preference, but there it is!)
Love the metaphors in this piece- very gripping, emotionally. The flow was great until the last stanza. That one fell apart, diluted when you shifted to too literal images and, well... got preachy? I'd like it better if you left it with just the first three stanzas, ending with the repetition of that first fine stanza.
Excellent treatment of a very troubling issue! I especially liked the first stanza. "Unburied every day" is a phrase that will haunt me! The repetition of that first line at the end of the stanza (and the same pattern in the third stanza) helped imprint the phrases on your reader. I wish you had continued that pattern in the rest of the poem! The chorus-like second stanza really made this feel like a song that needs to be put to music (something acoustic, in a minor key?). Consider using that stanza every other stanza, with maybe variations of the last line each time? There are also some meter problems that break the flow. Still, this poem has a lot of promise.
You know... I almost never give 5.0 ratings, but every one of your pieces deserve it! This one took my breth away- such love, such beautiful beautiful use of language and rhythm, putting your love for your son, and his for you, in words. I especially love the way you used repetition of the fa-ther heartbeat. My favorite line(s): You place me before everything there was or ever will be.
Your skilled words here prove you are neither stupid nor dull. This culture of clones just doesn't understand those of us who think in a different way!
Very dark view of the future- too much despair for my tastes! I was going to start pointing out breaks in meter (started with one too few syllable in The kings are in hiding,), but then I saw that you were gradually dismantling the form & structure of the poem as you progressed into the doom of this vision. Certainly fits the content of someone's a descent into chaos! Not sure I like it, but it was a very creative approach!
As for me, I grieve whenever I read ultimate despair in someone's work. While this may, indeed, be referring to Satan's ultimate fall with those who go with him (and not something you are personally struggling with), I read the poem personally, as a struggling sinner who, despite my weakness, is clinging to hope for a future that is new & whole. As a Christian, I believe we can ALWAYS start anew!
Nice bit of internal rhyme:
Night-light glowing,
shadows growing:
When I was little, a big spider came out once when I was approaching my bed- I lept into bed from afar for years after that! I just wish my fears were now still small enough to fit under the bed.
I've been reading some of your reviews, and I have to say- they are the very best I have ever read!!! You manage to critique (often strongly) the heart of the piece, while still always finding something positive to say to the author. You then explain your view in detail and actually teach alternative approaches. An author receiving one of your reviews could only benefit, whether they are a strong writer or struggling. (I do wonder how you manage to give such personal attention to so many, many writers??? I'm lucky if I get time to even read an single piece these days!)
I will be coming back to read more, because your reviews are a writing course in microcosm ...and maybe I'll send one of my own pieces your way!
Fantastic! I love your imagery! I think the only thing I would suggest (and this is just my own preferred style, mind you) is that I'd rather see these lines as phrases than complete sentences- it draws the reader into the poem because they fill in the gaps in their own mind. Poetry doesn't HAVE to have every word! Keep just the ones that mean something!
Fine, fine metaphors! The final two lines are perfect! I guess the only thing I don't care for is the way you split sentences between one stanza and the next. I'm of the school that likes to split lines according to full phrases- and stanzas keeping a complete thought. That's just my own personal preference, of course. (part of my obsessive yearning for order in the disorder of life?)
There 's so much here! I like the way you bind our own world with Middle Earth. Too often, though, the grammar is awkward, in an attempt to sound more classical? I'd like to see this simplified a bit. The images are strong- you don't need to use such unnatural language to express them in a "high" fashion. Also, decide- is it rhymed & metered or not? The shift from one to the other didn't seem intentional.
I really, really love this- you capture some of the imagery that Tolkien uses, as well as a wistful emotion of regret. Unfortunately, it is marred by too many grammar/spelling errors, as well as some sing-songy rhyme. Keep working on this! It's a keeper!
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