This is a fascinating and disturbing story. You really pulled out all the plugs with your descriptive abilities.A great story for a Halloween night or around a camp fire. My only advice would be to make sure you're not alone in the house when you read it.
Write on!
Maretta
I loved this well written slice of life story from World War ll. I happen to be a WWll fanatic and have always loved reading about it and have even started a novel about it. Only about 4000, words so far, but I hope to go back to it someday.I am an anglophile and have visited many friends and now relatives there as my daughter married a Brit. I love Raymond and his rants about poor Jimmy and loved his victory when he writes of his success of finally having something to write about. Enjoyed!
Maretta
A really lovely prose poem filled with your love of nature and all living things. this poem seems to me to be almost your own cathedral, made by the one who cares for the sparrows, as well as you and I. Lovely thoughts. I feel this way when I am at the ocean. Please stop over at my port sometime.
I wanted to read another of your poems, and this is also well written, and an honest tribute to your mother and father who sound like wonderful, helpful parents who stand by their son to give you the support and love you need. That is what its all about, loving each other. Keep writing.
Maretts
I am not a poet, but I think you have done a very good job of expressing yourself in this poem. I have read each word of it, and can see the plan you have mapped out for yourself. It sounds the right way to me and I wish you every blessing and a prayer too.
Mareta
A sweet poignant story of remembrance of a treasured place where this young woman remembers the summers of youth with her beloved father. As she recalls these memories and her father's embrace she is embraced by her small child and her beloved husband, letting us know once more that love is everlasting. Fine writing- great description- but do watch the spelling.
Maretta
The good news first- You truly have the makings of a very good, story with a lovely twist ending her. Very imaginative!.
The bad news, which is really ONLY editing, and remembering spaces between paragraphs, makes reading so much easier to read. An example of editing""Billy reached up to shake a hand but was ungreeted." As you will notice by the red lines under it-ungreeted is not a word. You could say -Billy reached up to shake Audrey's fathers hand but it was not taken. Also watch for spelling error's.
These are only constructive criticisms. Believe me, I also have issues. What I do want to tell you is this is a very good premise and I would like to read it again when you have gone over it.
Maretta
I was very happy that you enjoyed the poem written by my grand- daughter Natasha, that you read in my portfolio. I am so very proud of her and will put another one in soon.
I also enjoyed your piece on Destiny. I have always been a Christian and still am, but in saying this, as I have grown and thought much about life and beyond, I also have begun to feel that we are also lead in our destiny to a certain path of grace where we are all given the chance to be led to the same place, one which is open to us all.
Maretta
Your little ode to your daughter expresses the undying and passionate love, all of us seem to have about our daughters or sons. I think they can never truly know how much we love them until they have children of their own.Your thoughts are poignant and believable. I can see you looking at her sandal.
Maretta
A poignant story of friendship, caring and a true hero. I don't know if this is fiction, or perhaps nonfiction based ,but non the less it is extremely well written, natural dialogue,good description of setting and the ending, although sad,makes us realize these situations probably happen everyday in that godforsaken place and most of us here just go about our business. Having said this,I wonder what we can do, except pray for them daily.
Maretta
I found this story interesting and well written. Having said this, I hope you won't mind me making one or two suggestions that to me, would make it even better, remembering, these are only suggestions.
In the beginning when Sid and Linda are having the conversation about Sid worrying, she says,"Don't you think I know my hubby enough to sense when he is tensed.1, For some reason 'hubby', doesn't seem like a word an educated woman, as Linda seems to be, would use. What do you think of"Don't you think I know you well enough to know when you are tense?" I also think it would be tense -not tensed.
2.I have been critiqued in my own writing at times for not using words that are simpler and perspicacity is not a word that everyone would understand . intelligence, insight, and discernment are suggestions.
3.Also, when Linda says she will ask permission for Beth to be out of school. She would say 'ask' permission' not take.
This story has much going for it. Read it over line by line and see if you find any other words you would change. I did read it through and as I said enjoyed it. A story of success,learning to give back, of forgiveness and reconciliation. Well done.
Maretta
My Goodness, this is one of the one of the most distinctive poems I have ever read. What a wonderful imagination you have and your sensory perceptions beautiful. I love all the descriptions but especially the last odor that strikes you, 'the pure air after it has rained'. Just a thought, on my part-Do you think 'the last scent or odor that strikes me' would sound better than smell?
Maretta
A great story. You had me hooked from the beginning and kept me reading which is what a good story is all about. At first I didn't know if I liked the way you
gave each character a name but then I figured it is the same thing as dividing a book into chapters. The story is well written and your characters realistic. The dialogue seems natural and the ending is uplifting and hopeful.
Maretta
THIS POLL ESPECIALLY INTERESTED ME BECAUSE I HAVE MANY FRIENDS AND A FEW RELATIVES[BY MARRIAGE} IN EUROPE. I FIN D IT INTERESTING TO KNOW WHAT OTHER PEOPLE ON THIS SITE ARE THINKING AND DOING
MARETTA
This has the makings of an interesting story. It kept me reading on and wondering what would happen, that alone is a good start. You have painted a great picture of the bus pulling into the station , of the weather and of the passengers. You have introduced Jake and we want to keep reading to see what his homecoming will be. So, you have a lot going in this story. After having said this, your story needs to be gone over, line by line and edited. Don't let it go to waste.We all seem to have a favorite word and at times we overdo it. Yours seems to be had. As an example: had always, had sat,had married,had once been. Watch your tenses.and especially had taken not took. Please know that we ALL have problems and the fact you have developed such an interesting premise and written well in parts of this story makes me hope that someday I will be able to read it again. Keep writing.
Maretta
This prose poem really resonates with me at this time. Your words could be mine. They are so well expressed and I can feel the pain. I too,have been suffering from writers block. Now I have read many pieces about how this is just laziness, and I have free written away to get inspiration,and I have written 50 or so words and thrown it away, and still no muse. Maybe today! May I use your plea-Visit me, my muses, before I waste away. Thank you
Maretta
This must be my morning for meeting up with some very thoughtful writers. Your thoughts on friends and how you make them and keep them are quite interesting. I think we make some friends, maybe our first ones by propinquity, simply being near them. Being human, we want to reach out and communicate and so if the little girl lives next door or we sit next to them in class we become friends. You are also correct in thinking we probably make friends because we find something in them that intrigues us. I once had a friend who loved horses. I wasn't especially fond of them but found it interesting to find out how she loved them and devoted so much time to them. I met my best friend in sixth grade and we both loved to dance. That was a friendship that lasted thru the years. I also like to write so, I just recently met another women and we love critiquing each others stories and talking about books. On thinking it over I realized I'm more prone to be friends with people that have the same interest. Guess thats because we 'share'. I like the adage at the end of your piece. Maretta
This is an interesting philosophy to have so early in life. There are so many 'forks in the road' in this life and on thinking about it, I realize that every day even for young people there are many decisions to make. I forgot how important it is to decide to not look down on someone in school because they do not have the coolest clothes or a nice house, or how it is to decide to do the homework and miss a television program. Being older, and hopefully, but not always wiser I can tell you that you are correct and that these 'forks' are always waiting for us. Sometimes with all the best intentions in the world we will make a wrong decision and sometime make the right one. It is part of life and the only thing to remember is 'there is always tomorrow " and another chance. I think you are a thinking person and best of all a writer. Keep writing. It is a wonderful way to sort it all out and something that stays with you always. And reading too.
Maretta
I can feel your sadness and I am so sorry for the loss of your loved one. I think it is very good for you to write about this as it allows you to release your feelings. Almost four years ago I lost my son to ALS which is a horrible disease. It is a process, but one we all have to go through. At times I still feel desolate and hopeless but then the thought comes to me, he lost his life and wanted me to go on and live mine to the best of my ability and so much of the time , I do just that. If I have a bad day I accept it and start over tomorrow. I have written several pieces about him on my port. Please stop over and read one if you would like. God bless you.
Maretta
This is quite a story.I Like the premise [girl knowing she has more to give than working in an office} You have many good scenes in this story and yet I think to make this all come together you will have to go over it, make some changes, watch your wording for instance: in the third paragraph from the end you say"I barely the shield up before my adversary fired back." Go through this ,line by line, and you will see what I mean. This is a good story and one that needs to be edited.
Maretta
A delightful little slice of life. The sweet memory of your father teaching you to skate with your excitement and the wind rushing through your hair tie in beautifully with the thrill of feeling your own little son's hand in yours as you guide him in his first adventure.To me, this is what makes life beautiful and wonderful, the continuity of life, sharing and love. Well done1
Maretta
This little poem sounds as though it is being written by a bride to her new husband on their wedding day. It is full of truth and love. Every one who has had true love will recognize the sincerity of it.. I think you can do even more with it. There is only one thing I want to point out. I think you mean OUR hearts are joined in in the first word of the third stanza.
Maretta
Looking to review some newbies today and found your post. Again, I found the small premise about having one piece of paper and intrigued by the thought started to read your story. i am not primarily a science fiction type person but I think you have a great story here. I read it ALL.lFound it well written, good characterization,great dialogue and what makes a story -the need to find out what happens and how it ends! I'll be waiting.
Maretta
Enjoyed this story very much, well written ,which is no surprise, as I find this in all of your work.I am wondering if you wrote this as pure fiction or if you had something in your background that you wanted to revisit. The reason I ask this is because I have 3 members of my family in the music, show business field and this is a common thread in many of 'showbiz' stories. I loved the end where he laid aside his guitar and walked out of Charlie's lounge.
Maretta
I like your story. It really has me interested and looking forward to reading more. I think the ONLY problem with it is, it needs to finished. You start us out by intriguing us with your friendship and the anticipation of renewing and finding out how these three girls lived their lives and become the women they are today.{great premise} Next you bring the uncertainty of the "lump" and all the waiting and agony that involves. Thank goodness there is a happy ending and while it is true "You are now going to the beach "and it is a nice ending, you have made the meeting of the women seem so interesting we want to see more. Please.
Maretta
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