I enjoyed your story. It's always nice when the underdog is succesful! It was clear and easy to follow. I did find two small grammatical mistakes you may want to fix when you have time:
"Be careful Daedus!" Cried the dove.
cried
Daedus could smell his feather's burning.
feathers
This story gives a new meaning to to expression "suffering for the sake of beauty." It was well-written and reminded me of several of the Grimm's fairy tales I have read. They are not your nice Disney versions, that's for sure!
Your descriptions are well-written.
Camilla had the beauty of a grimy lake toad
I love this line!
I didn't notice any spelling or grammar issues. Everything flowed well. Nice job!
I enjoyed your story very much. I especailly liked the way you described your characters. You really brought them to life!
“Floyd, honey, you ever seen that girl in the diner before today?”
“Nope, can’t say as I have,” he replied. “Do you think the kids did this for us?”
“No I don’t,” said Frieda smiling. “Let’s go pack for our honeymoon.”
This would be easier to read if it was double-spaced.
I enjoyed this very much. I found myself totally absorbed in the story. You brought your characters to life with believable dialogue and good detail. Your descriptions, especially in the opening paragraph was also very well done. I love that John was trained in survival. Nice job!
This was a very creepy story, partially because it is so realistic. It could happen. I moved to a new county about an hour from where I grew up a few years ago. Before I moved here, I never realized how many people thought Halloween was evil, so this seemed all the more realistic.
You really brought your characters to life. They seemed very real. I especially love this description:
Amy’s inaugural Halloween costume was a silky white gown with feathery wings attached to the back, along with a halo of golden tinsel. An angel—it figured. After all, she didn’t seem to have a malicious bone in her body. Sugar and spice and everything nice, you know.
I enjoyed this story. You used the prompt well. My only suggestion would be to take this passage:
The second guard tilts the coffee can over and lets the item inside slide out onto the table. It is a mousetrap. A mousetrap! Suddenly it hits me! I burst out laughing. I laugh so hard the two guards on either side of me, tighten their hold. I laugh harder, till tears are streaming down my face. I can hear the guards asking me what the coffee can and mousetrap are for. Why do I have them in my suitcase. Because I know why they are there, but the guards do not, I laugh harder. I know I need to get myself under control and explain, but the humor in the situation is to much after my previous fears at being detained.
and write it out as dialogue. It would help me get into the story more
I enjoyed your story. It was clear and easy to follow. The detail was vivid and very good!
His ship, known barely, as Haifase, or Wise Woman, was named after his aging grandmother who, if truth be told, was not wise at all, but thought she was, and if a further truth be admitted, had given him the funds to build the ship. So, being a prudent lad, he named his ship after his grandmother and set sail for what he hoped would be a most prosperous voyage.
I love this! It made me laugh out loud!
a dictionary full of names
I liked this too!
I did have a couple of suggestions. There was a spot in the middle where several of your paragraphs tough instead of being double spaced.
We will die without water/”
We will die without water.”
I enjoyed your story. The title caught my attention and drew me in. I like the way you used descriptions, especially of the Archive Bogey. I did catch a couple of grammatical errors that you may way to fix when you get time:
They want to review the matter and We need to comply
we
Since the servers crashed last week we no longer have any digital backup, so I'm counting on you to find Them the original
Since the servers crashed last week, we no longer have any digital backup, I'm counting on you to find them the original
I enjoyed your story. It had a lot of good detail and I could see everything clearly. I liked the title. It fit well and was catchy. I did catch a few grammatical mistakes that you may want to fix when you get time:
“I think they’ll take off in about an hour honey,”
Comma after "hour"
“Look mommy, I can fly too,”
Capital M on "Mommy"
“Let me go mom.
Comma after "go"
“We have to go darling.”
Comma after "Go"
“I don’t want to go mom. Let me go,”
Comma after "go", capital "m" on "Mom"
I enjoyed your story. It was creepy without being full of gore. Your descriptions were very good. I could see everything clearly. Your spelling was good. I did notice that you weren't using quotation marks (") in your dialogue. You may want to fix that Good job!
I really enjoyed this story. It was very creepy! It sent chills down my spine. It was clear and easy to follow. I didn't see any spelling or grammatical mistakes. The title was good. It fit the story well and caught my attention. All in all, a good read!
I enjoyed this story very much, especially the twist at the end. It was vivid and had a lot of detail. It was clear and easy to follow. I love the title! It caught my attention. I didn't find any spelling or grammatical errors. All in all, a good story
This review is only my opinion. I enjoyed your story. It was very cute. I do think that referring to the brothers as "Santa" and "Mr. Claus" is a little confusing, especially for little kids. A lot of kids refer to him as "Santa Claus" so I think they'd have trouble keeping them straight. I'd like to see Mr. Claus given a first name. Maybe something like Simon that is similar, but a little different.
You also had several paragraphs that touched the ones either below or above it. It's easier to read if all of the paragraphs are double-spaced.
This review is just my opinion. I liked your story. It made me laugh out loud. It was clear and easy to follow. I did notice that a lot of your dialogue is punctuated incorrectly. For example:
“Now I would like you to show me courage.” said his master.{/}
“Now I would like you to show me courage,” said his master.
I loved this story! Your character, Marie, was very believable. Your story was clear and easy to follow. Your first paragraph caught my attention and drew me in. I didn't see any spelling or grammatical errors. You wrote a creative story with the prompt you were given. Nice job
Please keep in mind that this review is only my opinion Your characters are well-detailed and believable. Your writing is vivid. I can picture everything clearly. I did notice a few grammatical errors.
Some of your paragraphs, especially those with dialogue touch each other. For example: Gradually my eyes drifted to the scoreboard, checking the score. We were ahead with a score of 67, while Newton had 54. We had about thirty seconds left to play.
“Come on ladies!” I shouted, trying to encourage them to keep up the great work. Students in the stands cheered, becoming one with their inner-cheerleader selves.
“Ten seconds ladies!” screamed the opposing coach. The other team, the Newton Railroaders, picked up their intensity, working the ball down the court, trying at one last attempt to score.
Gradually my eyes drifted to the scoreboard, checking the score. We were ahead with a score of 67, while Newton had 54. We had about thirty seconds left to play.
“Come on ladies!” I shouted, trying to encourage them to keep up the great work. Students in the stands cheered, becoming one with their inner-cheerleader selves.
“Ten seconds ladies!” screamed the opposing coach. The other team, the Newton Railroaders, picked up their intensity, working the ball down the court, trying at one last attempt to score.
You have the beginnings of a really interesting story. I like the title. It fits and it caught my attention. I would like to see a lot more detail, especially in the first paragraph. The narrative keeps me from getting truly swept away by the story. More dialogue would help. I also saw a few grammatical errors that you might want to fix:
old fashion
old-fashioned
of the book entitles
entitled
there was a bowl of hugs candy
Hugs
Also with the dialogue, it is easier to follow if you double-space it like you did the narrative.
“I see that you accepted the job offer?”
“Not yet Mr. Keller, I need to know more about the case mainly which one.”
“What do mean which one?! There is only one my missing book.”
“You want to hire me to find “Dracula’s Lost Gold” and not your encrypted message.”
"I see that you accepted the job offer?”
“Not yet Mr. Keller, I need to know more about the case mainly which one.”
“What do mean which one?! There is only one my missing book.”
“You want to hire me to find “Dracula’s Lost Gold” and not your encrypted message.”
You have a wonderful start. Let me know if you revise this because I'd like to come back and reread it
Hi again,
You have some really good description here. I can see everything clearly. I can even feel the cold of the snow. Your title is good. It fits your piece and caught my attention. I do have a couple of suggestions for you:
With one last once of magick,
ounce
left her chap lips in a
chapped
You also have more than one space between paragraphs. It is easier to read if there's only one space
Hi again,
I enjoyed this story too! It is very creative. Your descriptions in the story are very good, especially in the first paragraph. I do have a couple of suggestions.
Stories are usually told in past tense. In some places you used present tense like "is" instead of "was". You may want to read through and double-check that
“I have a dream, a dream of a new world. The world is green and blue, with the myth plants and so called animals.” Melissa said. Keith sighed at how childish his wife is acting, “Dear, we are not going to search or act upon your dream.” Keith said. He has this fear of anything that his wife dreamed about. His wife dreamed about strange things. Instead of dreaming of smoke and clouds, she dreams about birds, blue and green things.
Every time the speaker changes, you should have a new paragraph.
“I have a dream, a dream of a new world. The world is green and blue, with the myth plants and so called animals.” Melissa said.
Keith sighed at how childish his wife is acting, “Dear, we are not going to search or act upon your dream.” Keith said. He has this fear of anything that his wife dreamed about. His wife dreamed about strange things. Instead of dreaming of smoke and clouds, she dreams about birds, blue and green things.
Hi Cynthia,
I enjoyed your story. You showed life in high school well. I like your title. It fits well and caught my attention. I do have a couple of suggestions for you:
“D-Did you lose your way?” Ashley asked nicely to a little boy after school, just outside a super market. (Ashley walks home).
This could be combined to flow a little. Something like As she walked home from school, Ashley saw a little boy that looked lost. “D-Did you lose your way?”
G-Good morning, J-James.” Ashley stumbled and embarrassed. She didn’t look at him at all. “Hello! James!” A girl with a preppy attitude said, sitting on top of Ashley. In a next second she jumped off scared. “Hailey! Say something if you are sitting here!” She screeched. ‘My name is not Hailey.’ Is all Ashley wanted to say at this moment.
You should have a couple of paragraphs here. Every time the speaker changes, you should have a new paragraph.
I enjoyed your story. It was very detailed, especially in describing the cat. I love how you named your characters things like "Mr. Twitch" and "Miss Skinny." It made me think of Clue. Your story was clear and easy to follow. I didn't see any spelling or grammatical errors. Good job!
I enjoyed your story. Your writing was vivid and very detailed. The ending was very sad. I felt for Ile's loss. I did see one mistake that you may want to fix when you get the chance:
"What’s wrong,” she asked shutting the door softly
You need a question mark after "wrong".
Nice job!
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