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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sleepypines/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/9
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1,036 Public Reviews Given
1,232 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Poser Princes  
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Eva White ,
I am reviewing the item "Poser Princes" 

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

Title:
Fits the content well

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
No mistakes that I saw

Favorite Line:
Since word had reached the pond that a faraway princess kissed a frog who turned into a prince, every frog and its father had been approaching princesses claiming to be princes!

Overall Impression:
I like the idea of the princess looking for a prince. I also really liked the end.

Suggestions for improvement:
Once the Writer's Cramp has been judged, I'd like to see this expanded and the Princess's character rounded a little more.

Rating:
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
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202
202
Review of The Dog Button  
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Hyperiongate ,
I am reviewing the item "The Dog Button" 

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

Title:
Fits the content well and it caught my attention

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
No mistakes that I saw

Favorite Line:
The American people had become so polarized in their opinions that the best the President could hope for was to piss everyone off equally.

The funny thing is this is true.

Overall Impression:
If only it were true...

Suggestions for improvement:
Just my usual for flash fiction: expand it to a longer story

Rating:
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
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203
203
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello Eternal Chimera ,
I am reviewing the item "Suburban Sprite : Chapter 1" 

I am a contestant in "Invalid Item"  , and I have chosen you as one of my reviews! Welcome to WdC!

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

I saw your request for reviews on the Review Request page, so here I am.

Title:
It's too early to know how well this will fit, but it is catchy!

Flow:
Good.

Grammar:
No mistakes that I saw

Favorite Line:
The very idea that my skin was giving birth to some strange silver fabric was alarming, and a thousand possibilities revolving around tumours, skin diseases, rare disorders and other medical failures came to me.

Overall Impression:
I like that you left this on a cliffhanger. I'm very curious to see where you go with it *Smile*

Suggestions for improvement:
The descriptions of the wings are really good, but I would like to see more description about how your character felt knowing that she was growing wings. Use her words and actions to show how afraid she is.

I'm also curious about her childhood, since you alluded to it. Is that something that will be explained in the rest of the story?

Rating:
*Star**Star**Star*

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
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204
204
Review of Broken Bird  
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Free_Rip ,
I am reviewing the item "Broken Bird" 

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

Title:
Fits the content well

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
There needs to be another space between paragraphs 10 & 11.

Favorite Line:
Raven was the lowliest of terms, an insult even children knew better than to use. It meant scavenger; a dreg of society who was best shooed away, so as not to contaminate any others.

I like this description.

Overall Impression:
Riley is well-rounded and believable. Details are woven in well.

Suggestions for improvement:
I'd like to know a little more about the community's beliefs.

Rating:
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
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205
205
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello The K of M ,
I am reviewing the item "Rendezvous at the Opera House" 

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

Title:
Fits the content well

Flow:
The narrative jumps without transitions in places, making it hard to follow.

Grammar:
You should have a new paragraph after Samia says, "Don't you think it's a bit uncertain."

Make sure every time your speaker changes, you have a new paragraph. For example “Fine… we are getting things packed for our departure.” “Departure?! To where?” “Australia… we’re immigrating there. Didn’t Ali tell you?” should be
“Fine… we are getting things packed for our departure,” Samia said.

“Departure?" Tarek asked. "To where?”

“Australia… we’re immigrating there. Didn’t Ali tell you?”

Also, the dialogue is written incorrectly in several places. It should look like this:

"Welcome Tarek," Ali said.

"Your wife told me that you were immigrating to Australia," said Tarek.

"She did… ok, she is right."

"Why Australia? And why now? Ali, we promised each other to keep ourselves away from her. It was a deal we made."

May be you, yourself, think of going there.
Maybe you, yourself, should think of going there.

on a 27 hours voyage
twenty-seven hour

There ae several places where you use a lot of punctuation, either a question mark and an exclamation point or several exclamation points. When you do that, it tends to make what you're trying to do less effective. It's better to show the character's feelings through their words and actions, then to use extra punctuation.

Favorite Line:
She was already thinking of some of the first dozen of things she was going to do in Australia, when she boarded the elevator with Tarek

I like this detail.

Overall Impression:
You've described Australia well. It seems like either you've done a lot of research or been there *Smile*

The idea for the story is good. The narrative just needs a little polishing.

Suggestions for improvement:
You tend to use the word "that" quite a bit. This is a habit I recently broke myself, so I know it's an easy habit to start. For example: Though annoyed by the conviction that the man she sleeps next to is a coward, she knew well that he will certainly make a prosperous family. could read Though annoyed by the conviction the man she sleeps next to is a coward, she knew well he will certainly make a prosperous family.

The jump where Tarek comes to speak to Ali needs a transition. As it was written, it was confusing.

Rating:
*Star**Star**Star*

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
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206
206
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Jacob Anderson ,
I am reviewing the item "The Long Walk Home" 

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

Title:
Fits the content well

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
No mistakes that I saw

Favorite Line:
Now he would not only have to go home alone, but he'd have to lug the bulky trumpet too.

Overall Impression:
You used the setting well to create a creepy atmosphere.

Suggestions for improvement:
I would have liked to see more of Billy's thoughts.

Rating:
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
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207
207
Review of Plane Trip  
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello LASinn ,
I am reviewing the item "Plane Trip" 

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

Title:
Fits the content well, but could be catchier.

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
“Don’t get on that plane” says a small soft voice.

Missed the comma after the quotation

says “Here is 10 dollars I promised”, as
Comma after "says"

Favorite Line:
It’s not like she is an umbrella or an abandoned dictionary, but I should take her to an employee so they can announce she is lost.

Overall Impression:
The prompts are used well. I like the twist at the end. It surprised me.

Suggestions for improvement:
Just the grammatical errors.
Rating:

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
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208
208
Review of Proposal  
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello LASinn ,
I am reviewing the item "Proposal" 

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

Title:
Fits the content well, but could be catchier.

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
No mistakes that I saw

Favorite Line:
It rang hollow in the house.

Good detail!

Overall Impression:
I really liked the twist at the end. It caught me off guard.

Suggestions for improvement:
There was almost too much detail. It tended to take away from the narrative.

The last few paragraphs weren't indented like the first part. You might want to fix that *Smile*

Rating:
*Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
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209
209
Review of The Crimson Rose  
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello kiyasama,
I am reviewing the item "The Crimson Rose" 

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

Title:
Fits the content well

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
No mistakes that I saw

Favorite Line:
Her greatest joy came in cleaning the little figurines and plates.

Can she come to my house??

Overall Impression:
This had me on the edge of my seat until the very last minute. There were so many ways you could have gone with this. I was expecting her to turn Brad into one of her dolls.

Suggestions for improvement:
I wanted to know more about the deal with the old woman.

Rating:
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*


Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
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210
210
Review of Snowsuit Gone Bad  
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Sticktalker ,
I am reviewing the item "Snowsuit Gone Bad" 

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

Title:
Fits the content well.

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
No mistakes that I saw.

Favorite Line:
“I already told you that Robbie. You must be deaf.

A genie with attitude. I like it!

Overall Impression:
As I mentioned above, I really liked the genie. I did sort of feel sorry for Robbie, even though he stole the game.

Suggestions for improvement:
I would just like to see this embellished a little.

Rating:
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
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211
211
Review of His Pet  
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello Mara ♣ McBain ,
I am reviewing the item "His Pet" 

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

Title:
Fits the content well

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
No mistakes that I saw

Overall Impression:
Your characters are well-rounded and believable. Descriptions are woven in well. The way you switch from the asylum to the prison to the police officers helps to build suspense.

Suggestions for improvement:
Some of the paragraphs in your later chapters were not double-spaced. You may want to check those.

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
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212
212
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Prof Moriarty ,
I am reviewing the item "The Secret of Destiny" 

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

Title:
Fits the content well.

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
t shirt=t-shirt

Could we meet tomorrow morning tomorrow at 7 am.
Question mark, not a period

Favorite Line:
THE ONLY TRUTH THAT A MAN NEEDS TO KNOW IS THAT HIS DESTINY IS IN HIS OWN HANDS

Overall Impression:
I love the way you work in your life experience and set your stories in several different countries. It adds to the variety.

I like the way you used the prompt.

Suggestions for improvement:
I know you were limited by word count, but after the contest is judged, I'd like a little more on the two main characters.

Rating:
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
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213
213
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Moriarty ,
I am reviewing the item "The People's Princess" 

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

Title:
Fits the content well.

Flow:
Good.

Grammar:
A couple of little things:

Greetings Your Highness, the car has started
There should be a comma after "Greetings"

“Your highness, I must complain
The "H" in "Highness" should be a capital one.

Favorite Line:
The creature was about three feet in height, slightly taller than her. He wore a red jacket with several rows of buttons and matching red breeches. On his feet were shiny shoes and on his head sat a conical cap.

I really like the way you described the leprechaun and stay away from the stereotypical green.

Overall Impression:
Yippee, a fairy tale! Are Morgan and I rubbing off on you *Laugh*? I love the way you used the prompt (obviously!).

At first I was confused when the princess said she wished her father had never "found" her, but you explained that well.

I was also worried about the kingdom with no heir, but again, you took care of that problem.


Suggestions for improvement:
I know that you were limited by word count, but now that you can revise, I'd love to see more depth added to the characters and setting. You do this well, so I know you can *Smile*

Rating:
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
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214
214
Review of Painless Tax  
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Tigerbyte ,
I am reviewing the item "Painless Tax" 

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

Title:
Fits the content well

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
No mistakes that I saw

Favorite Line:
The image on the camera wavered, the pavement became visible and then Cal was re-centred in the shot as the cameraman dodged out of the way of the garbage can and the man and riot control officer who followed it.


Good detail!


Overall Impression:
This made me laugh out loud! A creative take on the Writer's Cramp prompt.

Suggestions for improvement:
I would cut out abbreviations like "Drs" and write out the whole word.

Rating:
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
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215
215
Review of The Review Game  
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Pepper ,
I am reviewing the item "The Review Game" 

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

Title:
Fits the content well

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
No mistakes that I saw

Favorite Line:
Mitch turned his big blue eyes on me and grinned, “You hated it, huh?”

Overall Impression:
I liked Mitch's solution to writing. The end of this made me laugh out loud.

Suggestions for Improvement:
I know this was written as a contest piece with a limited word count, but now that's it's over, I'd love to see a little more on the characters.

Rating:
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
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216
216
Review of The Red Ball  
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello IdaLin ,
I am reviewing the item "The Red Ball" 

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

Title:
Fits the content well

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
No mistakes that I saw

Favorite Line:
It was a pretty red mirrored sphere resembling a glass Christmas tree ornament, but it scintillated with color when she looked closer. She reached out to pick it up; it was heavier than its size indicated, and she felt it vibrating. She tapped it with her fingernail and heard a hard chinking sound like fine china.

Love this!

Overall Impressions:
Descriptions are woven in well. I could see the red ball clearly.

Suggestions for improvement:
It seems to be missing something.

Rating:
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

Keep writing!

*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*

Ashley Daeschlein
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217
217
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello GailS ,
I am reviewing the item "Emergency Call Revised" 

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

Title:
Fits the content, but could be more descriptive.

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
No mistakes that I saw

Favorite Line:
The kitchen and living room were disarranged, an antique rocking chair that had belonged to my grandmother broken to bits! It’s irreplaceable!

Overall Impressions:
Very cute twist on Goldilocks.

Suggestions for improvement:
It might help to put the dispatcher's thoughts in italics.

Rating:
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

Keep writing!

*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*

Ashley Daeschlein
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218
218
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello Michael Newman ,
I am reviewing the item {item:}

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

Title:
Fits the content well

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
No mistakes that I saw

Favorite Line:
She threw up her arms and inadvertently backhanded me square in the nose. I reeled backwards, seeing stars and tripped over my own feet.

Overall Impressions:
Have you met my husband? Because this sounds exactly like something he'd try! *Laugh*

Your characters were well-rounded and believable. Description was good and used well. Comedy was also woven in well.

Rating:
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Keep writing!

*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*

Ashley Daeschlein
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219
219
Review of The Voice  
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello billwilcox,
I am reviewing the item "The Voice" 

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

Title:
Fits the content well

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
No mistakes that I saw.

Favorite Line:
The immense chamber was magical, sparkling with giant crystal formations, and filled with twisting helictites, delicate soda straws, large stone draperies, flowstones and stalactites.

Overall Impression:
The characters were realistic. The were descriptions good. This story was full of suspense. Great job!

Rating:
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
220
220
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Words' Queen ,
I am reviewing the item "The Other Realm " 

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

Title:
Fits the content well.

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
No mistakes that I saw.

Favorite Line:
Sunlight caught on her porcelain white skin and was reflected off in shards of brilliant light like diamonds.

This is good description

Overall Impression:
You descriptions are vivid and woven into your narrative well.

I also like the idea of the "special" vampire.

Suggestions for improvement:
Little the girl nor did I understand what we were feeling.

I had a hard time figuring out what this sentence meant. Maybe Little did the girl or I understand what we were feeling?.

There are a couple of places where your narrative is repetitive and you may want to try saying things a different way. For example:

It was the weirdest day of my life. First, my alarm clock did not ring to wake me up. When I woke up, I glanced at my alarm clock. It was already ten in the morning and I was late for school. I glared at my alarm clock and muttered a curse under my breath. Why hadn't it woke me up?

It was the weirdest day of my life. First, my alarm clock did not ring to wake me up. When I woke up, I glanced at my it. It was already ten in the morning and I was late for school. I glared at the contraption and muttered a curse under my breath. Why hadn't it woke me up?

Rating:
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
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221
221
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Wolfwalker ,
I am reviewing the item "Invalid Item" 

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

Title:
Fits the content well

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
No mistakes that I saw

Favorite Line:
What it didn’t say was that it was going to take me over an hour to drive that short distance in the stop and go traffic!

This is where I started to think "uh-oh."

Overall Impression:
I like all the detailed descriptions.

Suggestions for improvement:
I was surprised he didn't call his travel agent to complain.

Rating:
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
222
222
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Ms Kimmie ,
I am reviewing the item "Is This About Last Night?" 

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

Title:
Fits the content well

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
No mistakes that I saw

Favorite Line:
{i] I shouldn't have let him kiss me and I'm sorry for that. I'm so sorry.

I was thinking uh-oh when I got to this!

Overall Impression:
This was very cute. I would love to see someone use it as an audition piece.

Rating:
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
223
223
Review of The Feeding  
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello anastasia beyverhausen ,
I am reviewing the item "The Feeding" 

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

Title:
Fits the content well, although I'll admit I was expecting vampires.

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
No mistakes that I saw

Favorite Line:
She put her foot in the water, jumping back at how cold it was.

Nice detail!

Overall Impression:
A creepy and twisted tale!

Suggestions for improvement:
I know you were limited by word count, but there isn't a lot of description. I'd also like to know why Brett's father is a crow and why Brett will turn into one.

Rating:
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
224
224
Review of The Blue Mustang  
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello anastasia beyverhausen ,
I am reviewing the item "The Blue Mustang" 

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

Title:
Fits the content well

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
No mistakes that I saw

Favorite Line:
Although identical twin sisters, Ingrid was the tough one while Michelle was the shy and quiet type.

Nice character info.

Overall Impression:
You get a lot of detail into just a few words.

Suggestions for improvement:
There was a jump from the girls destroying the car to school the next morning. Maybe some extra white space or a page break would help.
Rating:
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
225
225
Review of Wedding Proposal  
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello anastasia beyverhausen ,
I am reviewing the item "Wedding Proposal" 

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

Title:
Fits the content well

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
No mistakes that I saw

Favorite Line:
Hooking someone like Paul Stanhope, a handsome Wall Street banker, with the added bonus of a trust fund was exactly what Erica thought she deserved.

Good character description.

Overall Impression:
I liked the twist at the end.

Suggestions for improvement:
I know you were limited by a word count, but I'm curious to know why Erica thought that Paul was going to propose to her.

Rating:
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
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