Hi Sarah Kate ! Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
Creepy! Out-of-control muses seem to be a popular topic.

Suggestions:
Something about the first couple of paragraphs fell flat. I'm not exactly sure what. Maybe they don't show her frustration enough.

I know this is meant to be a flash, but it could really use a bit more description. What did Miranda's muse look like?

Spelling/Grammar:
But her Muse’s anger was so powerful, he brushed her attempts to get him out of her mind away easily, and
This is a particular pet peeve of mine and I see it all the time. Sentences should not begin with conjunctions (and, or, but). They are meant to combine ideas. If you're trying to create short sentences to add to the suspense, try either dividing the two sentences another way or simply cut the word "but".

Miranda could feel her Muse’s anger rolling over her like a storm.
Nice description! I could picture this!

Ashley

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Hi acemckean ! Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
You've done a nice job capturing the relationship between Paige and Edmund.

Suggestions:
Her mother warned her to just stay home and meet with him tomorrow.
The word "just" is unneeded. Consider cutting it.

At least what she hoped for.
Did you mean "At least that was what she hoped for"?

Which he had not.
This is a fragment. Consider combining it with the previous sentence.

There is a lot of passive voice in this. Passive voice keeps the reader from being absorbed completely in the story. For example,

She was infuriated. Words were coming forth like poison and she spewed them towards him.

Instead of telling the reader she was infuriated and words came from her, show that. What did she say? How did her body respond? What was his reaction?

The end was definitely not what I expected. Nicely done!

Ashley

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Hi acemckean ! Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
I really like the idea of an alien abduction story. I have heard several real people who have claimed to be abducted by aliens tell their stories and this follows a pattern similar to what they claim happened.

Suggestions:
A strange movement moved about the room.
The word "movement" and "moved" are repetitive in this sentence. Try to rewrite it without one of them. For example, "Something scuttled across the room".

The air thick and smelled rank
This is a fragment as written. Perhaps, "The air was thick and smelled rank."

This could use a lot of fleshing out. Use the five senses to take the reader there. What could Johnathan smell? Taste? Feel? How was his body reacting? Did he wet himself? Did his heart pound? Was his mouth dry? Little details like that put the reader in his place.

Spelling/Grammar:
"HELP!" He screamed.
"Help" in all capital letters is unnecessary.
"Help!" he screamed.

Make sure you know what exactly what words mean and how to use them before you use them. For example:
inquisitively as he shunned away from them.
"Shun" doesn't quite fit here. You don't "shun away" from something. You "shun" it. Also, shunning is a bit more severe than what Johnathan is able to do here. He could "shy" away from them.

gray with the allusion
Here, I think you mean "illusion". "Allusion" is a literary device.

showed his shark like teeth
shark-like

The moonlight streamed through the windows in intermittent patterns as the clouds lingered across the murky sky.
Great detail!

I know I rated this pretty low. I don't mean to hurt your feelings. If you choose to do some reworking to this, email me and I'd be happy to come back and rerate it accordingly.

Ashley

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Hi LdyPhoenix ! Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
Nice use of the Seven Deadly Sins prompt. I had a horrible feeling that Lucien would end up Satan (Lucifer), so I was pleasantly surprised that didn't turn out to be the case.

Suggestions:
"When is the bloody thing going to start," he wondered.
Quotation marks are for dialogue. Thoughts are shown either as

When is the bloody thing going to start? he wondered.
or
When is the bloody thing going to start?

The God of War
Which god of War? Ares? Mars? You say "African", but Rome invaded parts of Africa, plus there are hundreds of tribes with their own Gods. Naming him would lend some realism to the story. If it was something Marcus wanted that badly, he would know the whole story behind the mask.

The auction was tight.
I'm not sure what this means. Tightly guarded? Cheap prices? Full of tension?

Spelling/Grammar:
with a few well placed bribes
well-placed

"What is it you Americans say, 'don't count your chickens before they've hatched'," a voice spoke over his shoulder.
This is two sentences. Consider something like
"What is it you Americans say?" a voice spoke over his shoulder. "'Don't count your chickens before they've hatched'?"

What would it be like to have that much power,
The comma should be a question mark.

The ending seemed a bit abrupt. I'd like to see a bit more detail describing the way Marcus felt and reacted when the mask spoke to him.

Legend told the red paint was made from the blood of their victims.
Neat detail!

Ashley

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Hi Farooq ! This is a review from Showering Acts of Joy. Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
I absolutely loved the title! It is catchy, fits the content, and doesn't give too much away. I have a very hard time with titles for my own writing, so I always appreciate a good one.

Suggestions:
This has a lot of extra detail that really isn't needed. I found myself skimming through entire paragraphs. For example, in the beginning, you use two paragraphs to describe Dubai, and two more talking about the narrator's feelings about being in Dubai. With a short story, you need to start with a "hook". Something needs to happen to catch the reader's attention in the first sentence. If you don't catch a reader's attention right away, they tend to stop reading. I'll be honest, even in a novel, I usually only give a couple of paragraphs for the author to catch my attention.

I would cut a lot of the description in the beginning and start the story with the place where the narrator meets Mayana Singhal. That's where the story starts. Everything else is just background information.

There are lots of other places where there is a lot of extra information. Cutting it would make the story tighter and more interesting. For example:

My name on her lips is symphony to my ears. I nod and try to act composed. Boy. Do I have a massive crush. Or is it more than that? Mayana and I interacted for a short period for a client account. She is a Chartered Accountant and I often wonder how this attractive creature had ended up in a boring number crunching job. I look at the small of her back and daydream about serenading her with a romantic number. It’s good to fantasize because it is self-soothing. Fantasy is crucial to how we lead our lives as it provides motivation to realize our dreams. Building castles in the air, taking time out for a reverie can be a stress buster.

My name on her lips is symphony to my ears. I nod and try to act composed. Boy, do I have a massive crush or is it more than that? Mayana and I interacted for a short period for a client account. She is a Chartered Accountant and I often wonder how this attractive creature had ended up in a boring number crunching job. I look at the small of her back and daydream about serenading her.

The paragraph is half as long and says the same thing.

Another thing I noticed is that a lot of sentences could use some tightening. For example, the word "that" can be deleted almost every time it is used. For example, the one in this sentence:

If he is, I must give the guys the breaking news that his mouth has actually curled.

If you cut the "that", the sentence is exactly the same, just a word shorter. In a short story, every single word should have a purpose. There is no room for "filler" words. Tight narrative will keep the reader's attention a lot longer.

Your grammar is good for the most part. There are a few small mistakes (like beginning sentences with conjunctions: or, but, and), but they can be addressed later. Most of the work that needs to be done on this story is just tightening. You have a good idea, it needs a little polishing to really shine!

I enter my cubicle which is more like a cabin and plonk into my chair
Very nice detail! I love the use of the verb "plonk". It is very expressive.

Ashley

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Hi Maryann - House Martell ! This is a review from Showering Acts of Joy. Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
You asked me to re-read this after you did some revision and I was happy to! This does not count as one of your ten reviews from "Invalid Item"  because I already reviewed it once .

Suggestions:
The bathroom has all of the best camping items, including a state-of-the-art potty and a hanging fill-up shower.
That is my way to camp!

“Look, a couple of green
There is an extra space above this paragraph.

Spelling/Grammar:
Come on Lara
There should be a comma before "Lara".

Nick assured as he handed one of the last boxes over the side to Andy and Ken
The word "her" is missing after "assured".

What just happened,” Lara questioned.
The comma should be a question mark.

Ken is alright
all right

I know I mentioned this before, but I really liked the end. The first time I read this, I was expecting a storm to come through or killer inhabitants of the island. This was a twist I was not expecting.

Ashley

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Hi Maryann - House Martell ! This is a review from Showering Acts of Joy. Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
The detail is amazing! The reader can see and feel this island without leaving home.

Suggestions:
including a state-of-the-art potty and a hanging fill-up shower
Very important when camping!

Lara is 24 years old now, but she still dances on her tip toes when she gets excited just as she did when she was a little girl.
Two little things. First, "twenty-four" should be written out. Second, this sentence sneaks into present tense. The rest of the story is in past tense.

Amy began. The sand
The quotation mark is missing.

Ken felt confident that his sister,
There should be a space between this paragraph and the one above it.

After the group brought
In this paragraph the phrase "set up" is used quite a bit. You may want to reread to see if you can cut or change a few of them.

incase you want to try fishing.
"in case" should be two words.

There are a few places were they're talking about the coconut and fishing where those words are used quite a bit. Try rewriting a few without those words for variety.

Yes ladies and gentlemen.
There should be a comma after "yes".

Several of the Soviet nuclear missiles have exploded at the start of their launch
How old is this story? The Soviet Union doesn't exist any more. It was called "Russia" in the sentence above, which is correct.

I’m sure Ken is alright
all right

Wow! Not what I was expecting at all. I was expecting evil cannibals, not the ending that was used.

Ashley

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Hi Jay's debut novel is out now! ! This is a review from Showering Acts of Joy. Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
Great job writing a story in all dialogue. It was clear who was speaking and how that person was feeling. Nice job!

Suggestions:
We'll see you at three PM
In dialogue the use of "PM" sounds a bit awkward. Perhaps just "three"?

Spelling/Grammar:
No mistakes! Nice job!

He sits cross from me and he is a really good colorer. And he even shared his colors with me!
This is a great line. It sounds exactly like a little kid.

Ashley

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Hi ~SilverMoon~ ! This is a review from Showering Acts of Joy. Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
The flow, tone, and pace are good. Word choice helps create a gloomy feeling in the reader.

Suggestions:
Is there a reason this is listed as "Other" instead of "Short Story"?

Spelling/Grammar:
No mistakes. Nice job!

There is this feeling inside--a painful, and almost squeezing sensation, which threatens to take over and I feel powerless to stop it, yet just as quickly it goes away.
Good description!

Ashley

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Hi Rose Miavirre ! This is a review from Showering Acts of Joy. Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
The story flowed well and moved at a good pace. Maria was realistic and well-written.

Suggestions:
The short description should pull people in. Perhaps something like, "Maria hated her gift". If you want to note that it was written for the TLC Birthday Contest, put a note either at the top of the story or the bottom.

It was raining
"It was" is not the strongest way to start a sentence, much less the whole story. Perhaps something like "Rain fell in buckets."

The ending seemed a bit abrupt. Who was the man? I know this was written for a contest, but now that it's over. I'd love to see the end expanded a bit. This could easily be expanded into something much longer.

Spelling/Grammar:
No mistakes. Nice job!

Welcome to Maria Reldon's life.
Great line!

Ashley