Ashley's (sleepypines) Reviews

Ashley

Review Requests: OFF

1,036 Public Reviews Given

1,232 Total Reviews Given

151

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3327664

Review of A day with an unusual family

Review by Ashley

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hi Dawn_Amy Fan

!

Thank you for entering "A day with an unusual family"

in the "Tickle My Fancy Monthly Contest". I appreciate the opportunity to read you work.

As fancie said in the contest information, we look for something that touches us. Whether it's scary, heart warming, funny, or romantic, I want to be left with emotion after I read it. However, if I'm having a difficult time choosing between entries, I will fall back on the care with which it was edited.

Here's what I check for:

Were the contest rules followed? Yes!

Was the Prompt followed? Yes!

Please see my comments below.

Overall Impression:
Splitting up the first paragraph into several shorter ones would make it easier to read. Every time you have a new speaker, you should have a new paragraph. I would have liked a little more detail. For example, what does the Kiasa Flower look like?

Favorite Part:
I love Doremi's day with the insects!

Ashley Daeschlein
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152

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3327653

Review of Dark Frog Angel

Review by Ashley

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi londa

!

Thank you for entering "Dark Frog Angel"

in the "Tickle My Fancy Monthly Contest". I appreciate the opportunity to read you work.

As fancie said in the contest information, we look for something that touches us. Whether it's scary, heart warming, funny, or romantic, I want to be left with emotion after I read it. However, if I'm having a difficult time choosing between entries, I will fall back on the care with which it was edited.

Here's what I check for:

Were the contest rules followed? Yes!

Was the Prompt followed? Yes!

Did it touch me? Yes! Please see my comments below.

Overall Impression:
I loved the way you weaved in a fairy tale. The end did leave me wanting more. I hope that the evil frog did get a kiss. What a story that would be! I think this would be a great prologue or first chapter to a longer story.

Favorite Part:
Again, I love that this was based on a fairy tale.

Ashley Daeschlein
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153

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3327649

Review of Where Happiness Hides

Review by Ashley

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi Brandon

!

Thank you for entering "Where Happiness Hides"

in the "Tickle My Fancy Monthly Contest". I appreciate the opportunity to read you work.

As fancie said in the contest information, we look for something that touches us. Whether it's scary, heart warming, funny, or romantic, I want to be left with emotion after I read it. However, if I'm having a difficult time choosing between entries, I will fall back on the care with which it was edited.

Here's what I check for:

Were the contest rules followed? Please list your word count in the entry.

Did it touch me? Yes! Please see my comments below.

Overall Impression:
This seems like your were soul-searching. Descriptions are used well. It flows and is easy to follow. I tend to not like the use of capitalization for emphasis in a story, but this is a personal preference.

Favorite Part:
I like this sentence:
It is not inside anyplace that needs to be opened with a childproof lid.

Ashley Daeschlein
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154

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3321686

Review of Old Mermaids

Review by Ashley

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hello ridinghhood-p.boutilier

,
I am reviewing the item "Old Mermaids"

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better

.

Title:
Fits the content well

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
No mistakes that I saw

Favorite Line:
For her 60th birthday Maggie decided to become a mermaid.

Overall Impressions:
I love the idea that Maggie just decided one to day to become a mermaid.

Suggestions for improvement:
You may want to consider breaking up the narrative with some dialogue.

Rating:

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
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155

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3321682

Review of Monster Justice

Review by Ashley

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

A take on Tanya Tucker's "The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia" that I bet she wouldn't have even expected! Does the human that has been accused of murder in the world of monsters prove his innocence?

Just a note from a reader. I would have liked to see a little more description. For example, you say the judge is a dragon. Is he a big dragon? A small one? What color is he?

Other than that, nice job!

156

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3321380

Review of Captured

Review by Ashley

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hello JACE

,
I am reviewing the item "Captured"

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better

.

Title:
Fits the content well.

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
No mistakes that I saw

Favorite Line:
We spent most of the afternoon trying to steer clear of each other--I'd pace and he'd watch TV. Then we'd switch.

Good detail.

Overall Impressions:
I like the way you used the prompt. The details were very good. Dialogue was well-written and realistic.

Suggestions for improvement:
I'm curious about who the kidnapper was. I take it's just some random psycho and not really important, but it would be nice to know.

Rating:

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
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157

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3321256

Review of Gathering Sins

Review by Ashley

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello Redtowrite

,
I am reviewing the item "Gathering Sins"

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better

.

Title:
Fits the content well

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
No mistakes that I saw

Favorite Line:
It felt like sharp steaming claws of monsters grabbing flesh right through his clothing.

Nice detail!

Overall Impression:
I really enjoyed this. I have heard so many tales of the slaves' misery, it is different to read about the owners' misery.

Suggestions for improvement:
In the paragraphs that were dialgoue, there was no spacing between them. They are a lot easier to read if there is.

Rating:

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
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158

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3321225

Review of The Princess Who Lost Her Smile

Review by Ashley

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello Prof Moriarty

,
I am reviewing the item "The Princess Who Lost Her Smile"

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better

.

I saw this in the sponsored links and in Morgan's contest. Since I wanted to give you an anniversary review anyway, I thought this would be perfect!

Title:
Fits the content and caught my attention. Your titles are always good

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
One small thing:
Its okay, my darling.
It's

Favorite Line:
A scissor was produced and a piece of the Princess' raven black hair was cut and handed over to the sorcerer.

Overall Impressions:
There is a moral here, but it is told without beating the reader over the head. As usual, good dialogue and well-rounded characters.

Suggestions for improvement:
Just fix the typo

Rating:

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
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159

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3321114

Review of Zilla's Adventure

Review by Ashley

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

Hello jraf

,
I am reviewing the item "Zilla's Adventure"

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better

.

Title:
Fits the content well

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
No mistakes that I saw.

Favorite Line:
Mom had the word ‘suspicious’ written across her face as clear as possible, but I didn’t think that she knew what I was up to.

Good detail!

Overall Impression:
I could just picture this teenage boy trying to find his dragon before his mom does. The detail was vivid, but didn't get in the way of the narrative. The dialogue was realistic. Nice job!

Suggestions for improvement:
None

Rating:

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
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160

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3320920

Review of Fluffy the Dragon

Review by Ashley

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello J. A. Buxton

,
I am reviewing the item "Fluffy the Dragon"

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better

.

Title:
Who could resist a dragon named Fluffy?

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
boy friend should be one word.

Favorite Line:
I mean, who doesn’t love a baby animal?

Fluffy isn't exactly cuddly like most baby animals

Overall Impression:
I loved it! I hope you win the Cramp with it

Suggestions for improvement:
You may consider cutting this sentence: One day last month, though, I reluctantly surrendered one of my pets to the local zoo after it ran away and terrified everyone on my country road from the first paragraph. It gives away the whole rest of the story.

Rating:

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
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161

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3320806

Review of The Young Teacher

Review by Ashley

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello Prof Moriarty

,
I am reviewing the item "The Young Teacher"

This is the review you won as part of your third place entry in "Invalid Item"

. Congratulations!

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better

.

Title:
Fits the content so well.

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
Off course not. You take good care of my mom.
There is an extra "f" in "of"

Here too:
"Off course not honey,"

Good afternoon officer!
There should be a comma before someone's name, or in this case, title. So there should be one before "afternoon".

The same goes here:
What for baby?
Don't I take care of you Jodie?
Sure honey,
"Off course not honey,"

"Mind if I ask something."
This should be a question mark, not a period

Favorite Line:
He would have to explain to the officer that Jodie was his 'step-daughter', and he hated that term and he did not want the child to hear it either.

This really says a lot about Anirudh.

Overall Impression:
The message in this story is clear without being preachy. As usual, the characters and dialogue are well-crafted and believable. A powerful story is told in a few words.

Suggestions for improvement:
Just the small grammar issues mentioned above

Also, you may want to mention what the Writer's Cramp prompt was. It really doesn't make a difference in the story, but I found myself curious. I enjoy seeing the different ways people use prompts.

Rating:

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
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162

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3319928

Review of The Ternion - Chapter 5

Review by Ashley

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello Frank Moricz

,
I am reviewing the item "The Ternion - Chapter 5"

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better

.

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
and I have put him out of his misery

Was this supposed to be "had" instead of "have"?

Favorite Line:
Her tantrum was interrupted when she heard a commotion in the distance.

I really liked something about describing Nylia's cursing as a tantrum

Overall Impression:
I think this is my favorite chapter so far. The details were good and didn't get in the way of the narrative. There was some action here, too. Nice job!

Suggestions for improvement:
She stood amidst the ashes of the old Drax estate and realized the rumors that she had heard were true.

Take out the word "that" to help the narrative flow better

Rating:

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
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163

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3318076

Review of Please Choose Me

Review by Ashley

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hello Diane

,
I am reviewing the item "Please Choose Me"

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better

.

Title:
Fits the content well

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
No mistakes that I saw

Favorite Line:
Jeremy figured if she could match her shoes to her shirt, she must be able to afford a small boy.

I just loved this!

Overall Impressions:
Poor Jeremy! I really liked him and sympathized with him. He was very believable.

Suggestions for improvement:
Did Jeremy get adopted?

Rating:

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
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164

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3318061

Review of Charlotte Corday

Review by Ashley

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)

Hello Wrath.of.Khan

,
I am reviewing the item "Charlotte Corday"

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better

.

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
simple and quite defiance

Is this supposed to be "quiet"?

Favorite Line:
Robespierre, can you hurry? My hair is getting wet.

Nice detail to help build your character!

Overall Impression:
Very vivid. Dialogue is realistic and flows naturally. I can't wait to read more.

Suggestions for improvement:
Do you deserve to witness justice fall upon the corrupted?!

I don't like to see double punctuation, even in dialogue. Overusing punctuation makes it ineffective. The reader should be able to tell that the question is said with extreme feeling by the way the rest of the story is told (and here you can).

If you give this a rating, it will show up on the public listings and bring more readers to it.

Rating:

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
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165

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3318049

Review of Fast is Fast

Review by Ashley

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Thank you for entering
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Did the entry follow all of the posted rules? Yes

Grammar:
other elf had to pay for his/her
Usually, in fiction, authors just choose his or her

Suggestions for Improvement:
I was a different elf so King Jotto banished
This confused me. You said Witena was not an elf, then you say she was a different elf.

There was a lot of telling and not showing, so it was hard to really care about Joaquin. How did he find out about the king's plan? I would like to see him discovering the truth and his reactions to it.

You also say he put "something very bad into their tea jar". What? Show us.

Overall Impression:
I love that the money is called "elferanos". That was very creative.

The story is very creative and just needs a little polishing

Winners will be notified in a separate e-mail. Good luck!

166

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14 days may be credited.

#3314458

Review of HOW DID I BECOME A WRITER?

Review by Ashley

In affiliation with Freelance Writers Guild

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello Dr M C Gupta

,
I am reviewing the item "HOW DID I BECOME A WRITER?"

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better

.

Title:
Fits the content well. Personally, I don't like to see a title in all capital letters, but that is a preference

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
read Charles Dickens’ David Copperfield and Pickwick Papers while I was just about 14 years

Titles should be in italics, so David Copperfield and Pickwick Papers.

It is also advised to write out smaller numbers like fourteen.

I also took fancy to learning French and Spanish and translated into English many scientific articles from medical journals in those languages!

This would be more effective as a period.

Favorite Line:
Those were the days when English language was taught in schools with great pains, there being much emphasis on grammar. Gone are those days now, even in countries like England and the USA, where English is the first language.

I agree with this completely.

Suggestions for improvement:
I think the first paragraph could use a little reworking. There is some slang in it and a fragment. I don't feel it's as strong as the rest of your article.

Overall impression
This is an interesting and in-depth article to explain why you are a writer. The detail is good and it kept my attention all the way through.

Rating:

Ashley Daeschlein
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167

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3314035

Review of Beauty Lost- A Fairy Tale

Review by Ashley

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)

Hello Princess Megan Rose 22 Years

,
I am reviewing the item "Beauty Lost- A Fairy Tale"

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better

.

Title:
Fits the content well

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
Just a couple of little things:
this was tragic!
The "t" in "this" should be capitalized.

She said: "Ler's search for the pink fairy.
She said, "Let's search for the pink fairy.

Favorite Line:
Octavia threw a cake at the cook because she wanted chocolate not vanilla.

I love this detail

Overall Impressions:
I love how everything is pink and purple. I can see little girls really liking this.

I enjoyed the descriptions. They were vivid without getting in the way of the narrative.

Suggestions for improvement:
Just fix the typos mentioned above.

Rating:

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

168

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3312840

Review of TOO COCKY BY HALF

Review by Ashley

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello tosca

,
I am reviewing the item "TOO COCKY BY HALF"

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better

.

I saw this featured in the Shorty Story newsletter and thought it looked interesting.

Title:
Fits the content well and is very catchy

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
No mistakes that I saw

Favorite Line:
Unfortunately for some this migratory pattern can become habitual, and for serious cases of the virus Renovati Repeatus there are only three known treatments...divorce from the prime mover, bankruptcy and buying a cockatoo. Of the three, the last is the most reliable. (Trust me, I speak from experience)

Overall Impression:
My parents raise birds - so I can relate. They don't have cockatoos, but I could picture their birds in this story. It made me laugh out loud. Luckily, they've never tried to move with them

Suggestions for improvement:
I'd just like a little more detail.

Rating:

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
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169

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3311538

Review of His Father's Legacy

Review by Ashley

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hello Diane

,
I am reviewing the item "His Father's Legacy"

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better

.

Title:
Fits the content well

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
No mistakes that I saw

Favorite Line:
He stopped, staring at the horse, bursts of fire gleaming off his coat from the setting sun.

I love this description!

Overall Impressions:
John is well-rounded and believable. Your descriptions are vivid. Nice job!

Suggestions for improvement:
This left me wanting more.

Rating:

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
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170

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3311511

Review of It could be

Review by Ashley

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello tara

,
I am reviewing the item "It could be"

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better

.

Title:
Fits the content well, but should be capitalized as "It Could Be"

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
and ill never feel your breath on me
I'll

And im ok. Im fine. I dont
I'm; don't

and suddenly im all alone.
I'm

its just the wine
it's

Its just so wrong, its been so long,
it's

i've crossed the line
I've

Overall Impression:
I liked this a lot. The descriptions are good

Suggestions for improvement:
Just fix the grammatical errors

Rating:

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

171

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14 days may be credited.

#3311505

Review of My eagle

Review by Ashley

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello tara

,
I am reviewing the item "My eagle"

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better

.

Title:
Fits the content well, but should be capitalized as "My Eagle"

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
I saw that you used the word "'til" several times. That is too informal for this kind of writing. Using the word "until" really is better

cloth to protect himself from the bird’s claws
On birds of prey (like an eagle) their called talons, not claws

Favorite Line:
It seemed to mostly consist of getting him to perch on my dad’s arm , after which my dad would run around the garden waving him wildly around, while he flapped frantically, trying to keep a hold on for dear life.

I could just picture this!

Overall Impression:
I loved this. It was very detailed and vivid.

Suggestions for improvement:
Just what I suggested above

Rating:

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

172

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14 days may be credited.

#3310594

Review of The Choice

Review by Ashley

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hello Hyperiongate

,
I am reviewing the item "The Choice"

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better

.

Title:
Fits the content well, but could be a little catchier.

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
No mistakes that I saw

Favorite Line:
What’s a bounty hunter doing at a prison? Everyone here has already been caught.

Overall Impression:
You used the prompts well. I really liked the end.

Suggestions for improvement:
Just work on the title. I have no suggestions though. I have a hard time with titles

Of course, I'd also like to see this as a longer story.

Rating:

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

173

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3310387

Review of Country Girl

Review by Ashley

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (2.5)

Hi MP

!

Thank you for entering "Country Girl"

in the "Tickle My Fancy Monthly Contest" . I appreciate the opportunity to read you work.

As fancie said in the contest information, we look for something that touches us. Whether it's scary, heart warming, funny, or romantic, I want to be left with emotion after I read it. However, if I'm having a difficult time choosing between entries, I will fall back on the care with which it was edited.

Here's what I check for:

Were the contest rules followed? Yes!

Was the Prompt followed? Yes!

Did it touch me? Yes! Please see my comments below.

Overall Impression:
Nice use of description. The narrator also seemed like the typical teenage girl as well. She was very believable.

It would ba a lot easier to read if you put a space between each paragraph.

Exclamation points were also overused. If you use too many, it ruins their effectiveness.

There was also a lot of telling, not showing. I would have loved to see more dialogue. For example here: I'll never forget that first night when it rained. I was just getting accustomed enough to all the creaks and groans that old house made to finally get some sleep. That was until a racket, loud enough to wake the dead, had me sitting straight up in bed. That was when I realized it was raining. But it wasn't just raining, it was coming down in torrents. . Try using come stronger verbs and maybe your character's thoughts to show us exactly how she was feeling.

Favorite Part:
Like I said, the descriptions were very good, especially of the house.

Ashley Daeschlein
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174

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14 days may be credited.

#3310369

Review of It grew into an obsession

Review by Ashley

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hi Jack Nyder

!

Thank you for entering "It grew into an obsession"

in the "Tickle My Fancy Monthly Contest" . I appreciate the opportunity to read you work.

As fancie said in the contest information, she looks for something that touches me. Whether it's scary, heart warming, funny, or romantic, I want to be left with emotion after I read it. However, if I'm having a difficult time choosing between entries, I will fall back on the care with which it was edited.

Here's what I check for:

Were the contest rules followed? Yes!

Was the Prompt followed? Yes!

Overall Impression:
I had a hard time believing your characters. Your protagonist trained in six different martial arts, but they beat him daily? Then he beat up Greg so easily. Something about that doesn't seem veyr likely, even with them outnumbering him.

Favorite Part:
I like that your character cared so much about Sarah. That was a great quality to help build him a little.

Ashley Daeschlein
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175

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14 days may be credited.

#3310319

Review of Inbox

Review by Ashley

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hi Krailek

!

Thank you for entering "Inbox"

in the "Tickle My Fancy Monthly Contest" . I appreciate the opportunity to read you work.

As fancie said in the contest information, she looks for something that touches me. Whether it's scary, heart warming, funny, or romantic, I want to be left with emotion after I read it. However, if I'm having a difficult time choosing between entries, I will fall back on the care with which it was edited.

Here's what I check for:

Were the contest rules followed? Yes!

Was the Prompt followed? Yes!

Overall Impression:
I would have liked to see this expanded quite a bit. You had plenty of words left to work with. There was a lot of showing, not telling and it left the reader with a lot of questions. What did the narrator do? The characters could use a lot of building. I don't get a sense of either one.

Favorite Part:
The title is catchy and fits well

I also like the end.

Ashley Daeschlein
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