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1,036 Public Reviews Given
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176
176
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like the way you left this chapter on a cliffhanger. I want to know whathappens next!

Unlike the others, this chapter is written with red font. Did you miss a WritingML code? That much red is really hard to read .

Reread your dialogue again. It's a little stiff *Smile*

The confrontation between Zek and the Felguards dragged a little, which surprised me. I think there was a bit too much description. Try using some stronger verbs.

I really like Zek. He is very believable and well-rounded. Nice job with him!

Ashley Daeschlein
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177
177
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I think Zek's character is more well-rounded than Mason's, which surprises me. With the way the story started by following Mason's birth, I thought he would be the more well-rounded character. The boys' relationship is well-developed and believable though.

The dialogue is a little stiff in places, but a little revision will take care of that *Smile*

Ashley Daeschlein
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178
178
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

I like the use of the flashback. I think it is effective. It does need to be reworked some so it is showing more than telling, but the basic idea works for me.

The beginning of this chapter dragged a little for me, up until about where Zek meets the Exiles. After that, it gets exciting and I really enjoyed it. I could almost hear the music from Jaws in a few places *Smile*

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
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179
179
Review of Dollar Bill  
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello tYpO/T.Boilerman ,
I am reviewing the item "Dollar Bill" 

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

I saw your story featured in the Mystery Newsletter and thought it looked interesting.

Title:
Fits the content well.

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
No mistakes that I saw.

Favorite Line:
After seventeen minutes I finally arrived at the head of the line.

Overall Impression:
Creepy! You've got this set up so it is believable. Dialogue is realistic.

Suggestions for improvement:
I'm not fond of the second person POV in the short description, but that's a personal thing. I can't wait to read more!

Rating:
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
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180
180
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello winklett in the woods ,
I am reviewing the item "Stick a Needle in My Eye" 

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

I saw your story featured in short story contest and thought it looked interesting.

Title:
Fits the content well and caught my attention.

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
No mistakes that I saw

Favorite Line:
Cross my heart and hope to die.

Very clever!

Overall Impression:
What a terrible trip to a doctor! I hope I never run across one like him.

Suggestions for improvement:
None.

Rating:
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
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181
181
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Frank Moricz ,
I am reviewing the item "The Ternion - Chapter 1" 

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

Your note at the top almost turned me off, but I'm glad I decided to read it anyway. It may be lacking the action of future chapters, but it's not boring like you made it sound in your author's note. I might reword that some *Smile*

You've developed Mason and Zek's characters well, especially their relationship. Relik's arrest seems brushed over a little. Maybe have Mason have a flashback? That could help build his character as well.

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
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182
182
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Frank Moricz ,
I am reviewing the item "The Ternion Prologue" 

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

I know that you're looking for hints at clarity the most, but I wanted to point out this grammatical error first, because I saw it several times.

“We shall see about that, Drax, though perhaps sight shall deceive you.” Melios retorted.
should be written as
“We shall see about that, Drax, though perhaps sight shall deceive you,” Melios retorted.
If the word after the end of quotes is not a name, then it should begin with a lowercase letter.

As for clarity and flow, you have a lot of information here. I know you're trying to create a whole new world and you want to make sure it is clear enough, but there are places where the description slows the plot.

For example: “My--” Relik started again, stumbling for words, trying to make sense of it all. His face grew solemn, he gave up trying to speak and instead fell hard onto his knees. With his head tilted and arms loose in front of him, tears began to well in his eyes. His heart shattered and his dreams began to burn like embers in the wind. In his mind, the world had turned to shadow and pain and all light was extinguished.

is very wordy. I understand you're trying to capture how devasted Relik is (and you're doing a wonderful job of showing, not telling), but some of that could be cut and you would still get your point across.

I also had a question about one of the mage's eyes changing color when he cast a spell. For some reason that stuck out in my head as something I wanted to know more about. It's possible that you've explained that in one of the next chapters though *Smile*

Ashley Daeschlein
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183
183
Review of The call.  
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello Floss ,
I am reviewing the item "The call." 

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

Title:
Fits the content well, but could be catchier. It should also be written "The Call"

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
{i]“Who is this?” She asked.
"she" should begin with a lowercase s.

When you write dialogue, you finish with a comma and a tag. So
“I’ve heard about these.” She said. should be like this: “I’ve heard about these,” she said

“Well,” Debbie began.”It depends what you call alone.
“Well,” Debbie began, ”it depends what you call alone.

Favorite Line:
I like the ending, but in the interest of not telling what it is, I'm not going to put it here.

Overall Impressions:
I love the way Debbie handles her phone call.

Suggestions for improvement:
Please double-space between your paragraphs. It makes it easier to read.

Rating:
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

Keep writing!

*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*

Ashley Daeschlein
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184
184
Review of Dear Professor  
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Floss ,
I am reviewing the item "Dear Professor" 

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

Title:
Fits the content well

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
Toys'r'us gave more value for money.
Toys R Us

The judge said he may as well deal with this too on thursday.

Thursday should start with a capital "T"

You said and i'm grateful for your honest opinion.
I'm

Favorite Line:
I sent away seven articles to magazines and five were rejected, which I was really pleased about. I was a little disappointed to find two were accepted, but I just threw them in the bin and put it down to experience.

This made me laugh out loud. I loved it!

Overall Impressions:
This was laugh out loud funny! I love the way your character "understood" the steps to becoming a writer.

Suggestions for improvement:
Just fix the typos.

Rating:
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

Keep writing!

*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*

Ashley Daeschlein
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185
185
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello The Soulmaster is Back! ,
I am reviewing the item "A Brief Introduction to Islam" 

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

Title:
Fits the content well

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
No mistakes that I saw.

Overall Impressions:
I like the use of bold letters and underlining to separate the sections. This made this piece easy to read. Educating people on the truth of Islam is a good step to help eliminate the ignorance in the world.

Suggestions for improvement:
What were the initials after Allah and Muhammad's names? It would help to explain that somewhere.

Rating:
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

Keep writing!

*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*

Ashley Daeschlein
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186
186
Review of the black lady  
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello Amanda-Nicole ,
I am reviewing the item "the black lady" 

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

Title:
Fits the content well, but should be capitalized as "The Black Lady"

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
friend if she had seen or heard anyhting.
My mother asked her friend if she had seen anyhting

Anything is misspelled in both places *Smile*

Favorite Line:
but I know that the black lady is still there, walking around and wondering where her chair is so she can sit and knit in it.

For some reason, in every ghost story I've heard, it's always the white lady, so I like this.

Overall Impressions:
This sounds like something that actually happened to you. How scary!

Suggestions for improvement:
Please put a space between paragraphs. It makes it a lot easier to read. There is also a lot of telling and not showing. It was hard to get involved in the story because I felt like I was an arm's length from the action.

Rating:
*Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

Keep writing!

*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*

Ashley Daeschlein
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187
187
Review of The End of Summer  
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Winnie Kay ,
I am reviewing the item "The End of Summer" 

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

Title:
Fits the content well

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
No mistakes that I saw

Favorite Line:
In the interest of not giving away the ending, I'm not putting it here, but the last sentence was my favorite.

Overall Impression:
Your detail was very good. It was vivid, but not so overdone it took away from the narrative.

Suggestions for improvement:
There was a lot of telling and not showing. It was hard to feel anything for your character because I felt like I was an arm's length from her.

Rating:
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
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188
188
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello BScholl ,
I am reviewing the item "Of Wizards and Heroes (Co-1st Place)" 

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

I followed the link over from Preacher's story *Smile*

Title:
Fits the content well

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
No mistakes that I saw

Favorite Line:
“You read the incantation?”

“Yeah”

“Even on the back?”

“The back?”

Overall Impression:
I feel sorry for Gerald.

Suggestions for improvement:
I'd love to know what happened next *Smile*

Rating:
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
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189
189
Review of BEST FRIENDS  
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Christine Cassello ,
I am reviewing the item "BEST FRIENDS" 

Welcome to WDC! I hope you find a home here as I have.

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

Title:
Fits the content well

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
“I haven’t decided that yet, either,” Manuella

said. “That’s a long way from now; I’m not in any hurry to make up my mind. There are a lot of things I’d like to try.”

This should be one paragraph.

“No. It isn’t anything you’ve done,” Karen answered. “It’s who you are.

Manuella used to be the most popular girl in our school. Everyone thought she was pretty, smart and talented, but now they think you are the best. She is hurt and jealous. She has convinced herself that you don’t like her, because she sees herself as your rival.”

This should be one paragraph.


Favorite Line:
When she got to Manuella’s house later, she was wearing the other girl’s skirt, blouse and shoes that Karen had gotten for her and had on a long haired black wig

Good description.

Overall Impression:
You did a nice job capturing how badly girls treat one another to be popular.

Suggestions for improvement:
I'd like to see a lot more on the girls' relationship with one another.

Rating:
*Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
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190
190
Review of Painted Green  
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello shaara,
I am reviewing the item "Invalid Item" 

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

Title:
Fits the content well and caught my attention

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
No mistakes that I saw

Favorite Line:
I hopped on old “Ben” and grabbed up a vegetable (or fruit if you’re a botanical wizard) and began to nibble as I soared through the wooden frame of the open door.

First of all, I love that her broom has a name. Second, I love the comment about eggplant.

Overall Impression:
There were several comments along the way that made me laugh out loud. I really liked your witch. Not only was she believable, she just was a character that I really liked.

Thank you for not making your parrot the stereotypical stupid bird, a pet peeve of mine. So many people don't know how smart they really are.

Suggestions for improvement:
None

Rating:
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
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191
191
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello RICH ,
I am reviewing the item "CROCODILES and other stories" 

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

Title:
Fits the content well

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
Where are you from
Should be a question mark.

his kinfolk or even better , higher in
You have an extra space between "better" and the comma

A old saying he heard
An old saying

“To life life as a lion for a day
The word "life" is repeated

Favorite Line:
Because if you roar, all you get is the bucket, boots and poo

For some reason, this struck me as funny.

Overall Impression:
I enjoyed the way you created these animals. I'd love to see more!

Suggestions for improvement:
But the Queen was furious and the insult grew in her mind, what if the other animals got to hear of this, she would be the laughing stock in all of the animal kingdom, she had to find that baboon and make sure that this was the end of this horrendous story.

This is a really long sentence. I'd like to see it split up a little.

Rating:
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
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192
192
Review of Fox Paw  
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Fanged Smile ,
I am reviewing the item "Fox Paw" 

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

I saw your request on the Review Request page, so here I am.

Title:
Good

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
How many times had she tried to take us and get out of there?
This sounds awkward to me.


So she ground her teeth and even through the divorce hearing where he slapped on that mask of his that made people see him as Mr. Wonderful.
This sentence seems to end abruptly. Even through the divorce she what?

Favorite Line:
The way a fox gets out of a trap is to chew its own paw off.

I like this comparison.

Overall Impression:
This was very detailed. I can feel the narrator's pain and fear clearly.

Suggestions for improvement:
Please note that using the word F*** bumps the rating of your item up to 18+.

If I had been able to cry or scream I would have lost my mind completely as we watched the van disappear down the street,

Everything is so descriptive it seems strange to see just "van". To keep with your level of description, I'd like to see it described, even with just a word or two.

My Payless shoes smacked the earth, tat, tat, tat, tat, tat!
I think the "tat, tat, tat, tat, tat" is unnecessary.

I was also left wondering why you were the child left behind. I'd like to see a sentence or two that explains that.


Rating:
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
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193
193
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello intheventofire ,
I am reviewing the item "Satan's little Helper" 

I am a contestant in "Invalid Item"  , and I have chosen you as one of my reviews! Welcome to WdC!

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

Title:
Fits the content well, but the "l" in "Little" should be capitalized.

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
“Hang on a minute dude,”
Comma after "minute"

Lady I’m playing for
Comma after "Lady"

Right again Einstein.”
Comma after "again"

Sylvia is that
Comma after "Sylvia"

Can you please leave,” asked the bride
The comma should be a question mark

Favorite Line:
“Hang on a minute dude,” I said. “Aren’t you a little on the red side for a fairy godmother not to mention that you’re a dude.”

Overall Impression:
I like the way you used descriptions. The comedy thrown is was good too.

Suggestions for improvement:
The end is a little rushed. I'd like the see it expanded a little more.

Rating:
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
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194
194
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Tadpole1 ,
I am reviewing the item "Invalid Item" 

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

Title:
Good

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
No mistakes that I saw

Favorite Line:
He and Chaloma crouched behind a scorched tree when the massive dragon passed overhead with bloodcurdling cries, flapping its claw-tipped wings.

Good detail!

Overall Impression:
I love the way you got a lot of detail into a few words. The prompts were used well.

Rating:
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
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195
195
Review of Unwelcomed  
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Hyperiongate ,
I am reviewing the item "Unwelcomed" 

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

Title:
Fits the content well.

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
No mistakes that I saw

Favorite Line:
The meeting ended and people zombied back to work

I like the use of the word "zombied" here

Overall Impression:
I like your use of language in this. I also liked the way you used the prompts.

Rating:
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
196
196
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Ebube ,
I am reviewing the item "The Princess and the frog" 

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

Title:
Fits the content, but I would like to see something more original. Also, the "f" in "Frog" should be capitalized.

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
The croaky voice piped up,

"What do you say? Shall we take the first step into our blissful union of joy?"

This shouldn't be double-spaced.

“Don't you lay a finger on me!”, she screamed
You don't need to comma

He replied to her struggling,

“Why, our union must be witnessed by all. Come along now, my dearest.”

This shouldn't be double-spaced.

Favorite Line:
Kissing a frog isn't the easiest thing in the world.

Overall Impression:
I like the way the princess got what she deserved.

Suggestions for improvement:
The ending seemed a bit abrupt. I know you had a word limit, but you did still have a few more words. Once the cramp is judged, you may want to go back and look at it.

Rating:
*Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
197
197
Review of Don't Kiss a Frog  
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Melanie L. ,
I am reviewing the item "Don't Kiss a Frog" 

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

Title:
Fits the content well

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
No mistakes that I saw

Favorite Line:
princess leaned forwards and planted a big juicy kiss right on the frog’s wet slimy head.

Nice description!

Overall Impression:
Descriptions are vivid and used well.

Suggestions for improvement:
I'd like to see the princess have a name. It would do a lot to round her character.

Rating:
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
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198
198
Review of Held  
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello ,
I am reviewing the item {item:}

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

Title:
Fits the content well.

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
A few typos here and there, as well as a couple of paragraphs that weren't double-spaced.

Favorite Line:
She would be better served with how...how long would the twit be here and how best to speed her departure.

I sense trouble brewing.

Overall Impression:
All of your characters are well-rounded and believable. I can even feel Annbel's jealousy.

Suggestions for improvement:
Just keep writing!

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
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199
199
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello AlexisCram ,
I am reviewing the item "The Frog ... Prince?" 

I am a contestant in "Invalid Item"  , and I have chosen you as one of my reviews! Welcome to WdC!

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

Title:
Fits the content well

Flow:
Good

Grammar:
You have a couple of paragraphs where you have more than one speaker. Every time your speaker changes, your paragraph should too.

So, she ke[t on kissing.
kept

Favorite Line:
Maybe it was because of her age or maybe it was random magic, but the 9th frog she kissed had transformed

I love this!

Overall Impression:
I love the idea of the way Sammy found her prince. It is very cute! I could picture this story a children's picture book.

Suggestions for improvement:
It would be a lot easier to read your piece if your made sure to double-space between paragraphs.

Rating:
*Star**Star**Star*

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
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200
200
Review by Ashley
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello FinnickyFennec ,
I am reviewing the item "The Princess and the Con" 

Please know that this review is only my opinion and is made with the intent to make a good piece even better *Smile*.

Title:
Fits the content well.

Flow:
The story is hard to follow in several places. Did you cut it down a lot to make the word count?

Grammar:
She knew it; he?
Not sure what this sentence is supposed to say

Favorite Line:
“Maestro, it’s your opus. Finish it.”

Overall Impression:
I like the idea of trying to con the princess. It kind of reminds me of "The Ransom of Red Chief," one of my favorite short stories.

Suggestions for improvement:
The beginning is very confusing. You may want to go back and flesh it out some after the cramp is judged.

There are a lot of exclamation points. Overuse of them tends to make them ineffective.

Rating:
*Star**Star**Star*

Keep writing!

Ashley Daeschlein
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