Hi wolf knight ! This is a Rising Stars Member to Member review. Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
This story is very cute. The language is great for young children.

Suggestions:
Once upon a time there was a band of marching monkeys. Now these monkeys didn't like to be stopped
from marching.

Two things with this. First, there's a funny line break where either WDC didn't keep your formatting when you copied and pasted it from your word processor or you accidentally hit enter. Second, be careful of the repetition. The word "marching" appears in both of these sentences. You could try something like: "Once upon a time there was a band of monkeys who didn't like to be stopped from marching." Check for the repetition throughout the story.

over all throw a big fit
The word "over" isn't needed.

This would benefit from a little more description. For example what did the monkeys look like? Sound like? Smell like?

walked towards the monkeys
Consider using a different word for "walked" to described the motion of the crocodile. Maybe stalked or crept?

And the monkeys started running around in circles yelling im to young to be food but this did not happen for the eagles pecked them on their heads one by one driving them off.
This is a great spot for show don't tell. Show the reader the monkeys yelling. For example:

The monkeys ran in circles trying to avoid the crocs. "Help!"
"I'm too young to be food."
"Don't eat us."
The eagles flew to the panicked monkeys' rescue and pecked at the crocs until the mean creatures had been driven off one by one.

Not the best example, but you can see what I mean. I'm sure you can do better .

The last paragraph is another great place for show, don't tell and more description. Show the monkeys thanking the eagles. The eagles just saved their lives and should be really grateful. What does the river look like? Is it calm? Rocky? Clear? Cool? Flowing rapidly?

Spelling/Grammar:
find more Banana trees.
"banana" should begin with a lowercase "b"

we are marching on are way
"are" should be "our". "Are" is a linking verb and "our" shows possession.

“ To find banana trees.” The crocodile told the eagle that was standing on him.
“ To find banana trees,” the crocodile told the eagle that was standing on him. Also, consider using something like "bird" instead of "eagle" here since you stated in the sentence above that it was an eagle.

The way that all crocks crawl with their billys near the ground
This sentence is confusing. Is it supposed to say something like "He crawled toward them on his belly the way all crocs do?" Also, notice "crocs" is spelled without the "k" in this case. "Crock" is something you cook in.

The eagles lead the marching
"lead" should be "led"

The message about helping others is wonderful.

Ashley
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Hi Wordwing ! This is a Rising Stars Member to Member review. Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
There is a good start in building the characters of Darius and Verian. Their personalities are coming alive.

Suggestions:
{i]“I wouldn't dream of it, old friend!" Verian stepped back and Darius sighed in relief. They regarded each other in silence for a moment, Verian of the Illarian Court of the Duare and Darius of the Shadow Court. Verian was the first to break the silence.

Watch using the same words too many times to close together. For example, "Verian is used three times in this short paragraph and "Darius" twice. Try rewriting some of the sentences so it is not so repetitive.

Be careful not to overuse -ly words. I've had that called "lazy description". There were several in this story.

I think the last two paragraphs are a bit long. Is there a way to split them up? Longer paragraphs make for harder reading, especially online.

Spelling/Grammar:
Come now, Darius, you know we of the Illarian Court love to make a scene
The comma after "Darius" should be a period. "Come now, Darius" is a complete sentence on its own, as is "You know we of the Illarian Court love to make a scene".

thought that was my job.” Darius said, grinning.
The period after "job" should be a comma.

At 5’3
This should be written 5'3".

You know, for an Elven lord of the Illarian Court, you seem to relish finding the dark side in things. I thought that was my job.
I love that line! It really adds to the character of Darius.

Ashley
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Hi 🌕 HuntersMoon ! This is a Rising Stars Member to Member review. Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
You say you're not a story writer, but I've read several of your stories and I have to disagree. I always enjoy them.

Suggestions:
"The light!" she shrieked. "It shouldn't be this bright!"
This sounds a bit awkward.

Watch the number of -ly words you use. I've been told that's "lazy description". In paragraphs five and six you use two within three sentences: "promptly" and "precisely".

wing-back chair in the corner
Nice description!

The word "panic" is repeated three times in paragraphs five through nine. "Presentation" is also used quite a bit. Try to find another word to use for variety.

Spelling/Grammar:
And you're oh, so late
The comma after "oh" doesn't need to be there.

I can call triple-A
This is the name of a company: Triple A

"Thank You" yelled over her shoulder. He yelled
Consider replacing one of the times "yelled" occurs with something else.

hobbled to the ladies room
The room belongs to the ladies, so ladies' room

You did a great job making Meredith a realistic character that the reader could identify with. I felt for her. The ending was just mean . Poor Meredith!

Ashley
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Hi Sharkdaddy ! This is a Rising Stars Member to Member review. Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
This was a cute little poem about an annoying fly. I think everyone can relate.

Suggestions:
The title of this is "The Bug In My Head is Dead", but the poem is told in third person. Consider changing the title to "The Bug In His Head is Dead."

Consider changing the word "flown" in the second line. It seems a bit awkward with the word "fly".

Spelling/Grammar:
"In" should not be capitalized in the title. When writing a title, prepositions should not be capitalized unless they are the first or last words.

Seeking refuge from the fray
I like this image.

Ashley
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Hi Captain Carousel ! This is a Rising Stars Member to Member review. Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
A too-true story of so many children, this is quite a sad piece. The language does a good job of evoking that emotion.

Suggestions:
A child who once was locked in cage,
And raised in underlying rage,
The flow of these two lines seem a bit off to me.

Spelling/Grammar:
No mistakes. Nice job!

The first paragraph and last paragraph's similarity really worked well.

Ashley
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Hi Hayley I. (aka Kilpik) ! This is a Rising Stars Member to Member review. Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

It's been a while since you've had a review from your mentor, and I figured it was time .

First Impressions:
I love this! The rabbit is given quite a personality.

Suggestions:
I'd like to know more about the Rabbit's plan to catch Turtle, but that's another story

Spelling/Grammar:
No mistakes! Nice job!

I remember Ralph's voice, urging me to be some sort of Bishop in the Awesome Church of Niceness.
I love this line!

Ashley
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Hi janice48 Have a Nice Day!! ! This is a Rising Stars Member to Member review. Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
Nice job with the rhyme scheme! Usually, when I read poetry that rhymes, I find the rhyme seems forced. That was not the case here.

Suggestions:
This is more of a cosmetic thing, but the lines of cakes between the stanzas take away from the words. I feel that writing should be able to stand on its own without colored font and emoticons.

he thought of making this cake makes me smile,
Making
The use of "making" two lines in a row is a little jarring. Consider changing one of them.

Spelling/Grammar:
I know I just earned a homerun
"Homerun" should be two words.

Nice imagery, especially when taking about the aroma.

Ashley
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Hi ! This is a Rising Stars Member to Member review. Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
The image used with this poem fits it so well and sets the mood.

Suggestions:
I'm not a fan of colored font. I feel it takes away from what you're trying to say. The pink is especially hard to read.

Spelling/Grammar:
In some places, the rhyme seems forced. For example, "Your ladyship/I've lost my grip".

I love the way the lady's description is woven into the poem.


Ashley
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Hi NickiD89 ! This is a Rising Stars Member to Member review. Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
The tangle tightens
I love the way this line sounds!

Suggestions:
None. I loved this just the way it was written.

Spelling/Grammar:
No mistakes!

The detail is done well. I especially liked the description in the first paragraph of the photograph and the inky mascara on the wand.

Ashley
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Hi Happy May 2024! ! This is a Rising Stars Member to Member review. Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
The descriptions are done well, especially of the farm house.

Suggestions:
The first paragraph uses the word "I" in almost every sentence. It sounds a bit repetitive. Consider rewording some of the sentences. That's one pitfall to using first person I do this too, sometimes.

Spelling/Grammar:
Of course, I did not heed his advise.
"Advise" should be "advice"

I had him so riled up, a chicken psychiatrist couldn't have straightened him out.
I loved this line!

Ashley
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