** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hi Nani - Blessed Indeed ! This is a review from Showering Acts of Joy. Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
The information about geese is woven in well to the rest of the narrative, allowing the reader to learn about geese while being entertained. Nice job!

Suggestions:
He was so very fine looking, and she knew that he would always protect her from harm!
Consider describing Grady here.

{i]Sometimes it took as long as two days for the hatchlings to free themselves from their first home.
This sounds a bit strange since there are only two goslings. Maybe something like "It took as long as two days for one of the hatchlings to free itself from its home".

Spelling/Grammar:
Consider a brief read through to edit out some of the exclamation points. There were a lot in such a short piece and it make it look a little melodramatic.

{i]Scattered among the pines were oaks and magnolias and bay trees that were perfect for nesting.
This is a wonderful detail.

Ashley

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hi kiyasama! This is a review from Showering Acts of Joy. Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
The seven deadly sins were incorporated well without seeming forced. That's not always easy to do with a prompt. Nice job!

Suggestions:
over the top parties.
over-the-top

As expected, guests were required to appear in attires got off the racks of famous designers, or entrance was denied.
Something about the word "got" disrupts the flow of this sentence. Perhaps cut it or change "got off" to "from".

Marvin Milton is survived by his wife, two illegitimate sons, and a slew of mistresses.
This says a lot about Marvin Milton.

Ashley

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hi Sparkler ! This is a review from Showering Acts of Joy. Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
This monologue is descriptive. The tree's feelings are captured perfectly.

Suggestions:
the leaves look like they would rather die than live this way. It’s torture to see them this way
Is there another way to say this? Using "this way" at the end of two sentences in a row is repetitive and jarring to the reader.


Spelling/Grammar:
It’s claws
"It's" should be "Its". "It's" is the contraction of "it is". "Its" is possessive.

Watch your verb tenses. For example, "woke" in the first sentence is past tense, but in the third sentence "wake" is in the present tense.

This reminds its readers of an important message.

Ashley

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hi Oscar ! This is a review from Showering Acts of Joy. Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
The detail is done well in this, especially the descriptions of the building and the ghosts.

Suggestions:
But even though I try I can’t retrospect its name; I try, but I know that my mind is not possibly that strong.
Many articles and books have been written about writing for clarity and not using a $20 word when a ten cent one will work. For example, here "remember" sounds smoother than "retrospect". It's important to have variety, but using big words for the sake of using big words is usually frowned upon. Check out this study for some great information about that subject: Word Use Blog  . There are some great links at the bottom of the blog.

Some of your paragraphs are awfully long. Short stories (especially those read online) tend to have shorter paragraphs.


Spelling/Grammar:
during such stay I was forced to take off my fear for night and darkness
What does this mean? Do you mean "confront" my fear?

imaginary place? ...
the ellipses are not needed here.


gold bright cufflinks which belong to a man’s formal black suit
Great detail!

Ashley

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hi Oscar ! This is a review from Showering Acts of Joy. Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
Using folk tales as inspiration is a great way to come up with ideas. When you given them your own take, they truly become yours and are a lot of fun to play with.

Suggestions:
Consider working on the "hook", the first sentence. In a short story, it is very important to catch the reader's attention right from the very beginning. Usually, it is some kind of action. The best hooks introduce the protagonist (John) and setting (Honolulu).

There is a lot of telling and not showing. Showing readers what is happening instead of telling them keeps them engaged and makes them like your characters. This is a skill that gets better with practice . For example He was a very weird guy. Don't just tell the reader he is very weird, write a scene to show us. You mention his touch. Show a scene where he uses it to help the reader draw her own conclusions about him being strange.

except one girl
What is the girl's name? What is she like? Why doesn't John move her?

The description of the girl is done well. I can picture her.

Ashley

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hi lehzer ! This is a review from Showering Acts of Joy. Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
This is scary. Giant bugs that eat humans? Yuck!

Suggestions:
Watch for repetitiveness. For example, in the first paragraph, the word "party" is used twice in just four sentences and in the fifth paragraph "scream" and "screamed" are used in the same sentence. Try to find other words to use or other ways to word a sentence

{i]friends Mike and Pam join me in the cage. Then nothing.
****
I awoke, who knows how much later.
The stars are usually centered (WritingML is {center} and {/center}).

that we didn’t notice the large bugs coming at us
What did the bugs look like? Water bugs? Moths? Ants?

Since the narrator dies at the end, you may want to consider changing to third person POV. Who is telling the story if the narrator is dead?

Spelling/Grammar:
Knock it off Mike
There should be a comma before "Mike". Commas are used in front of a person's name

{i]You always think people are being abducted by aliens.
I loved this line!

Ashley

Hi Pennywise ! Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
This just goes to show, don't mess with a kid on Halloween.

Suggestions:
landing hard on his ass
This is just a picky point, but the narrator is six years old at the time (although I know she's telling the story as an adult). Wouldn't she be more likely to use a word like "behind"?

Spelling/Grammar:
I mean, at least she’s having fun, right!
The exclamation point looks funny here. I would probably use a question mark since the end of this is a question.

“Trick or treat!” We both
This should be a lowercase "w"

“Get lost.” Came our
This should be a comma instead of a period.

to the grinches door
Grinch's

With the trees changing from their summer green gowns into their russet dresses of autumn; before the final fall of winter left them naked for all eyes to see and all hearts to feel slightly saddened.

I love this description.

Ashley

Hi Pennywise ! Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
Getting inspiration for current news events is always a way to go. You took it and ran here. Nice job!

Suggestions:
The part where the narrator is imagining the reports to the police has me confused. How would he hear them unless he was either an officer or one of the suspects?

Spelling/Grammar:
In your brief summary, the second sentence should have a question mark.

Happy Halloween baby
In American English, there is a comma before a name (such as baby here). I'm not sure about British English, but I thought I'd point it out, just in case.

The title was perfect! It fit so well and really caught my eye.

Ashley

Hi Revelry new writings soon ! This is a review from "Gang's Monthly Review Board" . Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
The hook sentence is great. It really got me into the story.

Suggestions:
There is no space between the first and second paragraphs.

Its done
This confused me. What does "it" refer to?

blue-green eyes meet crystal blue eyes
This is repetitive. Consider "meet crystal blue ones".

He wonders why she's here and where she's from.
This is head-hopping. You're telling the story from the woman's point of view and she's have no idea what he was thinking unless he told her.

The second to last paragraph contains a lot of telling and not showing. Show the reader what happened. What was said? How did they react? What did they do?

Spelling/Grammar:
Bringing with her all the things she'll need for her summoning attempt
This is a sentence fragment.

world war one
World War One (although usually spelled Word War I).

her knees alittle left
"a little" is two words

Upon which she places a white sugar skull with his name, next she lights the seven red candles and sprinkles some dirt from his original grave.
This is a run-on sentence.

{i]great-aunts heart
great-aunt's

It's worked. She thinks
It's worked, she thinks

german world war one
German World War One (but, again, usually spelled World War I)

Manfred von Richthofen. Also known as the Red Baron
Manfred von Richthofen, also known as the Red Baron

sickly so. With{/}
sickly so with

This is a great idea and very creative. It just needs a little polish

Ashley

Hi Rasputin ! Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
Starting the story with dialogue is a great way to get the reader right into the action.

Suggestions:
Harry changing his mind seemed a bit forced. Maybe something should happen to make Harry realize what he's doing? If he wants to be an engineer, maybe someone steals the blueprints to a project?

Spelling/Grammar:
our nations past.
The past belongs to the nation, so "nation's"

911 and beyond
Since 9/11 was a date, it is usually written as one

What if its not good enough
In this sentence, "its" should be "it's". "It's" in the contraction of "it is" and "its" is possessive.

I loved the end! It was perfect.

Ashley

Hi shaara! Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
I loved the name "Greta" for a witch. The little details like the "fuzzy green ink" and the black spiders deserting the corners made this quite funny.

Suggestions:
“George Warlockness,” the genie said, managing to bow his head slightly while at the same time looking down at us with the cold and haughty expression all witch genies assume on official duty.

“I have been sent to ask you to convince your wife to come to the Wizard’s and Witch’s Beauty Pageant,” the genie said.

Consider making this one paragraph:
“George Warlockness,” the genie said, managing to bow his head slightly while at the same time looking down at us with the cold and haughty expression all witch genies assume on official duty. “I have been sent to ask you to convince your wife to come to the Wizard’s and Witch’s Beauty Pageant.”

Spelling/Grammar:
No mistakes.

The dialogue flowed so well. It was very realistic.

Ashley

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hi 🌕 HuntersMoon ! This is a review from Showering Acts of Joy. Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
As always, great detail,, especially when considering this was less than 900 words. The detail of the blister was done so well, I could actually feel it!

Suggestions:
None

Spelling/Grammar:
No mistakes

Somehow, I could picture a flower like this existing in Africa's interior. There's so much there that we haven't seen. Africa was great choice for the setting!

Ashley

Hi JOY-on LOA ! This is a review from "Gang's Monthly Review Board" . Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
Nice job with the detail, especially where Macy is being chased. As I was reading it, I almost thought that one of the genres of this should be horror/scary.

Suggestions:
None.

Spelling/Grammar:
No mistakes. Nice job!

The ending caught me off guard. I had to go back and reread it once I saw it.

Ashley

Hi Crystal Marie ! Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!



First Impressions:
This seems exactly like something teenagers would do. Well done!

Suggestions:
Consider adding more detail to make the reader not just see the haunted forest, but use the other senses as well. What did the woods smell like? What did they hear? The detail will also help slow the pace and build suspense.

Spelling/Grammar:
Whenever the speaker changes, there should be a new paragraph. Also, if you only have two speakers, you don't need tags each time. For example:

“Well next time let me know that you’re with me,” said Delia. “I’m sorry Delia. I didn’t mean to scare you,” said Jesse. “It’s okay,” said Delia. “So can we keep going now?” asked Jesse. “Yeah I guess,” Delia replied.

Should be:

“Well next time let me know that you’re with me,” said Delia.

“I’m sorry Delia. I didn’t mean to scare you,” said Jesse.

“It’s okay.”

“So can we keep going now?”

“Yeah I guess.”

The reader can still follow who is speaking.


The end was done well. I wasn't expecting Jesse

Ashley

Hi BScholl ! Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!



First Impressions:
This was very creepy. I absolutely loved the idea of it. I loved the characters.

Suggestions:
The end threw me a bit. It didn't seem to fit natural for Lisa somehow. She seemed to care too much until about the last 14 paragraphs or so. There was no odd look or anything to foreshadow what was coming, just passionate kisses. I know they had money problems, but that didn't seem like enough of a reason for what happened. Plenty of people have money problems without resorting to those measures.

The hawk had me confused. I kept expecting it to be significant.

According to the journal, that gold was worth nearly fifty grand back then. If I’ve done the math right, that’s about 2.2 million today.
This took me out of the story for a few minutes. How did he happen to know how much it was worth?

Spelling/Grammar:
smashing into the rock face as he tumbled.
“Aaaaaaaaahhhhh!” He screamed.

This is spaced funny. I'm not sure if you meant it to be part of the paragraph above or its own and it isn't double-spaced. Also, notice the "he" should begin with a lowercase "h".

The descriptions were well done, especially the one of Shorty. I could just picture him. Nice job!

Ashley

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hi 🌕 HuntersMoon ! This is a review from Showering Acts of Joy. Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
The required words were put in naturally. I loved the title and short description. The flow as perfect.

Suggestions:
None. Nice job!

Spelling/Grammar:
The thought was interrupted as her hand came into contact with some long and hard.

Was this supposed to be "something long and hard"?


"What's wrong," he asked?
"What's wrong?" he asked.

You captured Audra's feelings well. I felt bad for her and then happy

Ashley

Hi The_Cavity has wisdom teeth! ! Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
This was a different take on the prompt than the other newbies. Nice job!

Suggestions:
On October 31st, an orange flame illuminated Emma Mathalda’s hand

This is a big jump. Consider putting a page break in so the reader knows it is a different scene.

Spelling/Grammar:
about it’s setting
"It's" should be "its". "It's" is the contraction of "it is". "Its" is possessive.

Precisely 1 year ago
Write out all words less than one hundred. Check for this through the whole story. There were a couple of places like this.

“What’s going on honey?”
There should be a comma after "on"

My parents names are Tim and Lina” she said to herself in a well-worn mantra “My name is
“My parents names are Tim and Lina,” she said to herself in a well-worn mantra. “My name is

,”I love you, to.”
"To" should be "too".

The end was very sad and not what I expected at all.

Ashley

Hi ! Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
There was a lot of detail. I knew exactly when and where the story was taking place and could see everything clearly.

Suggestions:
Jacob asked trying to see if there was any green blood coming out of the old gnome.

How did Jacob know the gnome's blood was green? You may want to explain that.

Spelling/Grammar:
Goodness boy you’re going to crash
Comma before "boy"

“I’m Ok gram, holy-smoke look at all these leaves!”
"ok" should start with a lowercase "o"

to me?” The
When ending dialogue with a question mark like this, the label should begin with a lowercase letter. So: to me?" the. I saw this in several places.

throw me over the edge.” The
This should have a comma instead of a period and then "the" shoud begin with a lowercase "t". So: throw me over the edge," the. I saw this several times as well.

I loved the ending!

Ashley

Hi rjsimonson ! Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
I have read a few of your other Shop of Oddity stories so I had to check this one out and I was not disappointed.

Suggestions:
None, other than the typos listed below.

Spelling/Grammar:
Oh and Mss Hazel, my name is Mammy.
Miss Hazel

"Is that really your name or what they call you?'
This should be an end of quote, not an apostrophe.

An Next time
And next time

"Your right I have not eaten since breakfast,
You're

them before." I
This should be a comma, not a period.

you’ll not be stayn
"stayn" should be "stayin"

After the Funeral
funeral should be lowercase

owners get setup
set up should be two words

I left you a couple of books one is a story
I left you a couple of books. One is a story

there values
their

Five years has passed
"has" should be "have"

This was a very touching story. The detail, especially when describing the shop were done very well. They painted a clear picture without getting in the way of the narrative.

Ashley

Hi Duchess Laughing Lemurs ! Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
I absolutely loved the title. It's among my favorites that I've come across on WDC. It was catchy and fit the story so well.

Suggestions:
The scene change was a bit abrupt. You may want to consider a bit more of a transition when the scene switches to Heather's point of view.

Spelling/Grammar:
No mistakes. Nice job!

Nick was very creative and you captured the scene well. It just leapt off the page.

Ashley

Hi Mark C ~ 9 years on WDC! ! Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
The title was great. It really caught my attention and the story didn't disappoint. It was creepy. Nice job!

Suggestions:
None other than the question below.

Spelling/Grammar:
I got cramp

Was this supposed to be "I got a cramp"?

Claire and John's characters were well-developed and believable. I really was rooting for both of them.

Ashley

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hi fyn ! This is a review from Showering Acts of Joy. Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
The detail is done well especially for story so short.

Suggestions:
A couple of the paragraphs are not double-spaced. You might want to double-check them.

Spelling/Grammar:
No mistakes.

The ending made me laugh out loud. Even if it wasn't the birthday that was planned, it turned out pretty well.

Ashley

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hi SHERRI GIBSON ! This is a review from Showering Acts of Joy. Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions:
This reminds me a bit of one of my favorite movies, Hocus Pocus. The title and short description drew me in.

Suggestions:
The ending felt a bit rushed. It didn't seem as detailed as the rest of the story.

Spelling/Grammar:
No mistakes.

David's character, even though he was a cat, was well-developed. I was rooting for him.

Ashley

Hi ! Thank you for allowing me to read your writing. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always keep writing!

First Impressions: I absolutely loved the title and short description. Like all good ones, they drew me in.

Suggestions:
Just then, a voice from right behind Evan, “How sweet, young love, it warms the cockles of my heart.” Evan jumped in his seat. How did he get behind me so fast and why no warning from Svetlana? Evan glanced over his shoulder and could smell the foul breath of the hulking biker. He looked back to his date, her eyes widening as she realized how incredibly fast the biker moved. One second she was talking to Evan the next the biker was there.

This paragraph confused me a bit. You may want to look at it again.

Spelling/Grammar:
young date; which proved to be unnecessary
This should be a comma, not a semi-colon. When using a semi-colon, both sides of the semi-colon need to be a complete sentence on its own.

“Evan, I’m sorry” Lana said
Just missed the comma after "sorry" here.

soon as you heard them they
There's nothing wrong with this grammatically, but personally, I didn't like the switch into second person. It disrupted the flow.

Like words on a wind that you forgot when they passed you by.
Here too.

Let’s get out of here Evan
Just missed the comma after "here".

I loved the end. Don't we all have secrets?

Ashley