Narrative style is nice and consistent with the events in the story.
Some secrets stand revealed only after death. An accident is created to unravel the mystery of the old blonde.
Edits-
Here are a few observations I made.
The first paragraph, I notice, mixes present and past tense.
"She always dresses mismatched or cozy. Not much of a fan to dress up. Lipgloss always shines on her lips. Everyday was a different color. And her eyes- well her sunglasses covered them. She never took them off. No matter the weather. People often wondered why. What was she hiding? Is it a hideous scar? Or was it a bruise from a former partner? Why does she also wear sunglasses"
(She always dresses mismatched or cozy. Not much of a fan to dress up. Lipgloss always shines on her lips. Everyday was a different color. And her eyes- well her sunglasses covered them. She never took them off. No matter the weather. People often wondered why. What was she hiding? Is it a hideous scar? Or was it a bruise from a former partner? Why does she also wear sunglasses?)
I have put the words with clashing tense in bold print.
A few more edits-
"One day the neighborhood kids always stopped and asked,"
(One day, the neighborhood kids stopped her and asked,)
"managed to never trip or bump into anything.'
(managed never to trip or bump into anything.)
"It was on a sunny day when the accident happened."
(It was on a sunny day that the accident happened.)
Or
(It was a sunny day, when the accident happened.)
"Amongst the mess we're big, dark green sunglasses."
(Amongst the mess were, a big and dark green sunglasses.)
What a lovely story! Here's a writer that found inspiration listening to grandson BJ's poem and other kids' stories and later, by looking at his toy tiger.
Hi Dana, I am Jaya, reviewing this pretty nonfiction for your WDC Account Anniversary.
Congratulations as you usher in another year of creativity at the WDC.
Have a lovely day!
Muse seems hiding till you found her in your grandson's desk.
I could see that even a seasoned writer like you suffers from low morale. That particular moment, when the right note is struck is crucial to writers as I have observed in this telling tale of yours.
" I found the toy I was looking for and sat it atop my desk.....I began to write with childlike abandon, the way a real writer should."
A wonderful story with a style and language that can compete with big time writers!
It is certainly an impressive journey for you. Life has been tough and it continues so.
It takes a woman of grit to withstand the buffeting winds of life, which you have successfully delivered.
Congratulations!
My suggestions-
There are just two points I would like to make.
First, organize your material in its proper sequence. That gives the story clarity and effect.
It is good that you have divided the story into several paragraphs. Each para has a number of points, which you need to arrange in their order.
For example, you narrated two love stories of your mom. Bring in more clarity by avoiding minor details such as shown below,
Your paragraph-
"Towards the end of her draining stays at the hospital, around 17 or 18 years old, she laid a sheer curtain pull away from (my future tia S) an older lady. I can't speak for these details but all i know is my mom locked eyes with her nephew. A mid height, thinly built boy her age..."
My version-
Towards the end of her stay at the hospital, when she was 17 or 18 years old, my mom fell in love with an older lady's nephew. He was of her age, with brown eyes and of average height."
The same method applies to the other sections too.
Put in the important details and avoid asides and minor details like making a comment that is not relevant in that context.
You can mention them in another story if you want to.
The second important suggestion is language and punctuation.
I appreciate the fact that you have narrated your family story quite spontaneously trying to fit in all the details you are aware of.
It is easy to get out of control sometimes.
Punctuation like using capital I and not i.
"Im just exhausted sometimes."
(I'm)
The above glitch is found at several places in the narrative.
language-
"she wondered away ...)
(she wandered away ...)
If you could revise and edit the story, it makes impact on the readers.
You told a great story about your mom and your unconditional love for her.
The theme is good. It is an age-old dilemma, which still invites definitions.
As you have rightly concluded, individuals have to decide for themselves what true love is.
In my opinion, true love cannot be decided at the beginning of a relationship. It has to go through the test of time and if they still find each other irresistible, if their love doesn't alter through thick and thin of life, yes, then it is true love.
Here are a few edits if you like.
Edit-
"I will answer to this question without being ...."
(I will answer this question without being ...)
"that ae symbolic and people."
(that are symbolic and people.)
"loosing"
(losing)
"It is a dangerous game many of whom are people who got lost.'
(Rephrase the sentence for clarity.)
"if we participate to this game."
(if we participate in this game.)
I am reviewing these lines of prose for your WDC Account Anniversary.
Congratulations on this cheerful occasion.
Have a wonderful day!
You have described your love's face and features in an appealing manner.
Imagery is crystal clear because it is visual.
"His eyes are blue like sea when moonlight shines on the surface."
Great to know you have fulfilled your dream of love by finding the right person.
Here are a few edits if you like.
Your lines-
"when he kiss me I'am under his spell. When I look at his face i know no harm shall come for his love well protect me, because to me he is the face of love."
"when he kiss.."
(when he kisses...)
Third person singular verb in simple present tense, needs -es or -s, like he watches, she studies, he runs, she eats etc.
"I'am"
(I'm)
I'm is a contraction of "I am".
"i know no harm"
(I know no harm)
Capitalization of first person singular i.e. I, is compulsory, wherever you use it.
"his love well protect me,"
(his love will protect me)
or
(his love well protects me)
Life's lesson is convincingly conveyed in this rhyming verse.
Nobody wants solace offered by a person, whose motives are not genuine, whose feelings are not natural.
"Don’t talk to me at my lowest point
with false comfort and platitudes"
A woman's heart can recognize the well-wisher, the true lover.
It shows the hidden truth that if you cry, you cry alone. None can truly pacify the pain in heart.
The most important observation made by the poet is that dependence in any single way makes you weak. Doing things independently increases confidence and courage.
"But I've made note of a valuable point:
I need only depend on me."
I am glad I picked this descriptive piece of writing from your interesting portfolio.
My review is for your WDC Account Anniversary.
Congratulations as you ring in another creative year at the WDC.
Have a great day.
Written from boy's point of view, presumably a teenager, this story packs information about the cows and bull. A single bull among a herd of cows noticed the red pants worn by this casual guy.
The leisurely scenario of the peacefully grazing cattle is brought to my mind's eye with ease.
Fear and tension are well created in him.
Hopefully, he beats racing bull in his attempt to save his skin.
this nonfiction gives an insight into the workings of a teen's mind. It is a descriptive narrative showing the way in which the writer gained a girlfriend.
The subtitles make it easy for the reader to understand the events described in each section.
However, this technique makes the story more of an essay rather than a story.
The story needs revision with regard to punctuation and sentence construction.
A few helpful edits if you like.
"At first this was just super weird.'
(At first, this was just super weird.)
"I started to look at her differently, she was just started to get annoying to me, ..."
To retain clarity, this sentence could be broken into two.
(I started to look at her differently. I noticed that she was getting annoyed with me,)
There are several long sentences, which could be broken into two or more.
" reminicize on whats happened"
(reminisce about what has happened)
" anyway i wrote this because..."
(Anyway, I wrote this because...)
It reflects the thoughts and feelings of a teenager.
You do write like one.
I saw this ghost story in this week's Short stories Newletter. This is a deserving mention.
You created a haunting atmosphere in the woods. The ambiance is right. The friends' quest was fulfilled. Great!
What I liked-
The mist. Curling around and catching the person in its web of gossamer delicacy, is beyond doubt, a winning point.
Appearance of the girl on a swing with a musical locket on, is something I could clearly conceive.
The bad guys are dealt with, in a deserving manner. His aim of the chase being,
"The thrill of the chase, the intoxication of flirting.." Fond of ax murdering too.
"Theo and Jake’s gazes met briefly in silent understanding. Then, with a mutual nod, they lunged forward."
The wages of sin being death, the girl's ghost on the swing did the right thing, by delivering poetic justice.
Alliteration-
It slipped into the story several times quite spontaneously. It lends a poetic flavor to the story.
"Tendrils of fog, seeming sentient in their sinuous movement, slithered ..."
You told an appealing tale beginning with a sentence that hooks the reader.
My thoughts-
The warning is repeated.
" “Mara is the lucky one. I let her go. I won’t do the same for you…”
" “I told you. Mara was the lucky one. I let her go. I’ll never do the same for you…”
A suggestion-
The second line might be just
"Mara was the lucky one."
The setting and the characters carved along lines of Victorian age, succeeded in capturing my imagination.
Modelled like the trend-setting novels of Jane Austen, Chapter 1 is a precursor to the events to follow. Here again, you are letting my imagination take to wings.
Characters-
Though they appear to be stock characters, they certainly exhibit minds of their own.
Lady Henry is critical, yet there’s sense in the points she made.
Mary and Juliet are interesting in their individual idiosyncrasies, I believe.
Mr. Green is a closed book except for certain expected behaviour, such as bearing with the company he sought and being pleased after a while. A normal human being.
Language and style are impressively Victorian. Manners, habits and rules of civility are beautifully shown.
“Mary set her fork down……. she murmured.”
You have brought in the atmosphere of a Victorian soiree in a telling way.
I found this poem on the sideline of a Newsletter. It appealed to me because it is significant and relevant to all.
What I like-
is the way you have juxtaposed youth and later stages. You brought out the physical differences and then the underlying advantages of being an aged person.
Imagery-
Images of youth and age are shown vividly.
"In days of youth, we danced with boundless glee,"
as opposed to,
"Upon our brows, it paints its fine lines deep,"
The ABAB rhyme scheme and the tempo are well maintained throughout the poem.
This poem serves to console those, who regret becoming old and slow. None can reverse the wheel of time.
The sooner we realize, the better our lives are.
Love knows no boundaries. Even in death he remembered the beautiful moments of autumn that his wife reminded him of.
His mind and soul must have experienced peace and tranquility of autumn in the lap of nature as she rests.
Hi As***a,
I am Jaya, reviewing this rare story of love told in a chain of memories. Memories are like precious bonds between the living and the departed.
"Those wild walks though the autumn woods?"
This story runs like a poem with visual imagery, imagination and spontaneous memories recollected in later life.
Fifty years of marital bond blown away by the breeze of death. How much pain one can bear by losing life partner to suddenly standing lonely and lost. A fistful of heart bears anything.
A beautiful poem on marriage and the bonding together through the thick and thin of life for an incredible fifty years.
It also shows the way a couple should live to love and depart when time arrives.
Nobody knows the whereabouts of the departed. Suffering lasts till the end of life.
Wonderful imagery showing the joyous moments in time.
This is all that matters. Drive and enthusiasm with hope as a dominant note into the symphony of life.
My review is for your WDC Account Anniversary.
Congratulations! as you ring in another year of creativity into your account.
Have a wonderful day!
I realize how important it is to live with hope under all circumstances, because life is not a bed of roses alone. It includes unforeseen or expected adversities.
The moment we look at them as stepping stones to success, life becomes much easier than before.
Hope is a great breakfast, a great lunch and dinner as well. Let's hang on to it come what may.
Wonderful!
I realize the benefits of having English-teaching parents. True, it's their fault if you read and write meticulously.
My review here is for your WDC Account Anniversary.
Congratulations!
Have a cheerful day.
I am glad you have incorporated a short grammar lesson into the essay. I see the reason. With a mother like her, you are assured of flawless use of language both spoken and written. Few follow rules of language while speaking, as I have noted.
(You see, English is taught as a second language for us, in India. So, the teachers are strict about tenses and subject-verb agreement etc.)
There is just one point that troubles me a bit.
"When I was in 12th grade, I discovered that Mom had incorporated some of my high school research papers into her teaching curriculum."
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