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The place to be for positive reinforcements! |
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Hello My Sunny Pals, Welcome back to Shellyville.... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Hello my sunny pals, Do you have to learn your lessons the hard way? It seems that some of my best lessons in life came with a grain of salt and pain. I tried to give Jackson the benefit of doubt and let him spend the night at a friends house. I know that he doesn't sleep well there and it's not a good idea but Jax can be persuasive. Being the "good mom" I let him go but at 3am the phone rang and it was Jax. "Please come get me...I can't sleep!" So I get up and he tells me "don't forget to put some pants on"...WHAT? Honestly, that boy of mine is very funny. He is worried how I am dressed in the middle of the night? I go pick him up and he has this huge look of relief on his face. We get in the car and I just look at him and say that some of our best lessons have to be learned the hard way and he couldn't agree more. Now he is sleeping in and in his own bed. It's a wonderful thing. Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, Today is a day of beauty. I finally see the sunshine and I am well rested. I will walk to church this morning and count my blessings. I am going to be okay. I know today is special and I will always love this day and all the wonderful things that used to happen. I do miss some parts of being married. I miss the partnership. I miss someone to hold me when I cry. I miss someone to hold my hand during a movie. I miss someone being home to help unload the groceries. I miss making dinner and eating as a family. I miss my laundry room. I don't miss my old house and I don't miss Brian as much as I thought I would. I do miss parts of him. I miss the good times in our early marriage. I miss the dreams. I miss the fun. I know that I have been blessed with years of good memories. I have been given a chance to have a new and happier life and I am doing just that. One sweet day at a time I am making sense of it. I never thought I wanted to get remarried but I do want to live with a man. I do because I love having someone to come home too. I love having someone to share my thoughts with. I love being part of a partnership. I hope someday I will get a second chance to have that. To build new dreams and have new memories. Today will always be a day of beauty. Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, I have always been sensitive to moods. I can pick up moods from strangers and carry them as my own. I am not exactly sure why I do that and how it happens but I can. Most of the time I am aware it is happening and can change my thought pattern but sometimes I can't. I let the negative power erode my positive thinking. I let the moods of others wrap around me and bring me down. I can read negative energy and get a false perception of it. I did last night and it is still haunting me. It is not helping that I am cold and tired. It is not helping that the sky is gray and I miss the sunshine. Lucky I do have some fun plans for this afternoon and my mood will improve. I will let the shift of time erase my mind and move on. I am not responsible for the moods of others. I am only responsible for mine! Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, What to do when you crave change but can't stand it when it happens? You worry more about the event happening then once the event has started? Worry can rob the mind of so much enjoyment! Both my kids are excited and very nervous about the new school year. My sweet girl is heading off to high school and she feels she is going to get be eaten alive. I don't think she is that shy but she feels overwhelmed by all the changes and being with so many older students. I personally think she is going to love every second of it. I am sure she will blossom even more. Jax is finally returning to the same school building. I find that so funny after 6 years he is finally in the same school. I know he is more worried about what teachers he will have and if he can control his mouth. I am hoping he can!! I have to get both kids on the school bus this year but other then that it should be a smooth adjustment. The hardest adjustment Jax's is having is my career. He has never had anything come before him and he knows it. He knows that I would stop the world to help him but finally he see's me having other priorities. I am sure it is good for him but also very hard for him to swallow. I have to work. I love it and need it. I also know that this break is good for us and his dad can step up and help him when I can't. Maybe that is the biggest adjustment of all. Having to count on someone else and not me. I will always be his number one and we both know it. I just have to have a small break. I will always be flexible and in town. I will always be the one he sits and talks too. I will be the one he yells at and gives me a hard time. I am mom and nothing is going to get in the way of that! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, Do you like the sound of rain? I love to hear and smell rain and this morning we are having a gentle shower and I didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to stay under my covers and sleep all day. I want the rain to wash away my sins. I want to the rain to restore my heart. I want the rain to clean my wounds. I went to see a movie last night with Brenda and I don't know what to think about it. She told me it was going to be funny but it wasn't as funny as it could have been. In fact it was damn depressing and too much like real life. It's the movie called Spring Hope. It's about a couple that have no intimacy after several years of marriage. They act the part but are walking dead. I have lived it. I get it. It did have a happy ending and that is all I am going to say but sometimes life doesn't have the happy ending you want. You have to create your own happy ending and your own meaning to life. I love the sound of rain and knowing that earth is renewing herself right now. Mother Nature is a wonderful healer. Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, What is more important in life love or passion? Being understood and wanted or dripping with lust and desire? Life for me is a funny at the moment while I am being torn between my emotions and my body. I have to listen to my heart and she is confused with desire and wants. She is not looking past the reality of today. She is caught up in the dream. The physical dream. The hurt that she felt is worth the risk. My heart wants him and only him. I am a fool to think I can ever have it all, but I can have most of it. I can have the dream if I am careful and I can have the passion I need if I create it inside. I don't have to go looking for other people to complete me. I already am. I have everything I need inside. I can live this dream one day at a time! Love, Michelle |
| Hello Louise, Do you ever feel your mind is control over you body or do you feel your body rules your mind? If you suffer from pain you know exactly what I am talking about. I am learning more about pain disorder and trying to figure out the mind body connection. I want to be able to give the help that is needed but realize this is an area I am not familiar with. I know for myself the more at peace I am in my mind the better my body feels. I know about mental disease and I know about physical disease but when you combine both you are dealing with a much bigger problem. How do I get someone to see the connection? I am always amazed at how we can ignore our own signs. How our gut has lost it's influence. I am a true believer that my gut knows exactly what is going on. If I am still and listen I have every answer given to me. Listen to your body and trust your mind. That is my mini lesson for the day! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sweet friends, I am in an odd mood. I didn't get much sleep last night. I was caught in a dream of romance and adventure. I was tossed between two worlds and trying to find my footing. I might never wake from this dream and I can't decide if it's a nightmare of just a cosmic joke. The heart loves in so many directions. I never thought I could be more wrong or confused about love. It's not a simple emotion. If it's even an emotion at all. I used to think I was an expert on love but I don't feel that way anymore. Now, I am just a confused woman. Grateful to have loved and been loved. Love, Michelle |
| Hello sunshine, If my mind is in the middle of my heart and soul...who wins? If they battle for peace and love...who wins? If I can't let go of the past and move on I stay hurt. I don't want to hurt anymore. I want to move on and be happy. Why can't I allow that? I deserve happiness and love. I deserve to be treated with respect. I deserve to be true to my heart and soul. I deserve to be at peace. I deserve it and I own it. Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, I have had enough of feeling sorry for myself and I have had enough of being monkey in the middle. I am making some hard decisions this month to live authentic and do the right thing. It is not easy and it makes me sad. Do you ever have to get mad at yourself before you make a change? I do. I have to get so sick and angry with myself that I can't take it anymore. I am so hard on myself but I have to be. No one else knows what it is like to live inside my head and my heart. I need a break so I am taking it. I am going to do the right thing for me. I need to let go and move on. I need to ask myself why I even want to be in a relationship and why I want to feel rejected. I may never get the answers I want but I will get the answers I need. Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, Do you ever dream of the ocean? Do you ever find yourself on vacation in your dreams and wake up feeling refreshed? I am feeling pretty close to it right now but realize it's time for a vacation. I need to find that place in my dreams. It was a clear ocean. It was smooth crystal clear blue water. It was a sandy beach and tropical fish. It was pure peace and I need to go find it. Now my question is how do I find it when I don't live near the ocean? I don't honestly have the funds for an airplane ticket and running away by myself seems risky. Still, I think it might be worth the risk for me to find some peace. I have to come up with some kind of vacation idea this month. I need to bring my emotions in balance. I would be happy if I could find the peace and live in my own dreams... Love, Michelle |
| Hello Louise, I have to say that I am not comfortable playing monkey in the middle but realize that being a good friend can put me in places I am not always happy to be. I love my friends and I am a good friend. I care deeply for the well being of my friends but also realize that I am not always in the best state of mind to give my friends what they need. Like good boundaries. I could never charge for my skills but wonder at times if I should. I never could do it. I have to remain a friend and never play professional therapist with my friends. I can not afford to ever jeopardize my license. I know better. I also know that I have to put some distance between my professional life and home life. I walk that line pretty tight. I need to get off the high wire and have solid footing. I am still learning what I need for my own sanity. I might be a risk taker but not with my career. I am and will always be so very proud of my accomplishment and knowledge. I will always be a professional and I will always be crazy me. It's a good thing! Love, Michelle |
| Hello Louise, This is going to be a long month! I love August and have many reasons to celebrate this last month of summer! I also know that this is going to be a very emotional and difficult month for me. August is the month of my engagement, my marriage, and my divorce. It is the month that the circle is complete. It is the month of the Blue moon. It is the month of romance and broken dreams. I am taking a full months break from romance. I am making a personal goal that I must accomplish. I have to allow myself every single day this month to heal. I am going to go on a vacation by myself. I am going to get comfortable being me. I am going to spend time in reflection and time looking and planning forward. I am so excited to be me and to continue my love affair with August. Love, Michelle |
| Hello sunshine, I am in the mood to clean my inner house. To make some room in my heart for a new love. I am ready to forgive and move on. I am going to take the month of August to breathe. I need to stop the emotional drama that my heart has created and live in peace. I need to focus on my career and not my heart. I need to be a full time mom. I need to run away and take a personal vacation by myself. I need to get my mind ready for school...but not yet... I need to play I need to laugh I need to teach Jackson to control his mouth! I need to LOVE! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, Have you ever been in an emotional rut? I am beginning to think I might be in one. In fact after reading Bill's email today I know I am. I am in awe of the life around me and how my heart continues to keep breaking. Bill and I have been friends for 5 years. I have never met him in person we have been email buddies. He is the guy I would write when I was upset and I was the girl he would write when he was lonely. For some strange reason we connected and our friendship was unique and wonderful. We both filled a void we couldn't find in the real world. Until last night when he told me he is "in Love"!! Now part of me is over the moon happy for him. He needs to be in love. He needs to have someone to touch and hold. I am glad he is happy but also so very sad for myself. How strange that I would be jealous but I am. I am because I feel like I am losing my best friend. I need to lose him. I need to let go and say goodbye. I have never been in this place before. I have never had so many goodbyes and painful moments. I really took stock of my life this weekend and felt every pain. I still have a bunch more to let go. I have to feel everything so I can heal. I am not ready to forgive myself yet but someday I will. I am not going to go looking for anything anymore. I am not going to be anything but broken for a while and then one day this pain will lift and I will be ready for love. Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, I am feeling much better today! I suppose I needed that self-indulgent day. I needed to feel horrible so I could feel better again. I am not sure why God is bringing people into my life for such huge life lessons but he is. He is testing me. He is allowing me the chance to feel pain and to experience love all at the same time. I am not ready for what he has planned for me. I will be honest. I am not ready to be so open and raw. I have my walls build pretty dang high. I am going to live with what little protection I have. Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I am hoping someone has the sunshine because I sure don't. In fact what I have today is a bad case of self-pity and some pretty ugly love issues. I couldn't be more wrong about love. I am finding out just how shallow and conditioned I am. I am finding out that what I think is love is nothing more than smoke and mirrors. I am a fake. I am not of real stock. I don't think I even know what real love is anymore. I was so hurt by his rejection that I went looking for a lover and found a million men to play the game with me. maybe a few of the men were real but most were not. I am not ready for real. I am not ready for dirty or messy. I am not ready for unconditional. I am not ready to lower my society standards. I am not ready to have you like me more than I like you. I want to be knocked off my feet. I never will be because I can't find my feet. If I never stand up for what I want, I will keep getting knocked down. maybe I should just stay down... Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, Today is Brian's birthday. I still have to run out and get his present for the kids and they have him all excited. I love that part about birthdays. The surprise factor is the best!! I know I am a nice ex-wife. I know I am lucky I have a nice ex-husband. I do. I am not ashamed of it. I did the best I could for a long time in the relationship but I am happier now and so is he. I love being in a good place mentally. It wasn't always this way. Life moves on and I am not going to get dragged down by the drama of it. I am in a good place and I am staying there! I do create a lot of my own drama by my craziness but I am beginning to understand that is just who I am. I like it. Life is wonderful! Love, Michelle |
| Hello Louise, I took the kids to the fair yesterday. I am glad I did because today it is raining! I don't think we would have enjoyed all the spinning rides in the rain! Speaking of spinning...It was the first time in a very long time were I felt like getting sick on a ride. I am not normally one to do that but the kids had me go from ride to ride and by the third one I wanted to hurl! In fact all three of us just looked at each other and said that's enough of that! So we walked around and looked at the barn animals. It was pretty funny because I said I didn't grow up around animals and Savanna looked at me and said "Well neither did I" and rolled her eyes! As if I was torturing her by looking at the animals. Oh I love being the mom! It was funny. I let Jackson play some games and then we left. It wasn't much of a fair but still it was nice to get out with the kids and do something. I need to do more of that! I felt like a kid and it was good to laugh! I could use a lot more fun in my life...What about you? Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, Are you good at guessing ages? I am not! I can never get the right age. I might be close but never right. I suppose in many ways that is a good thing. Unless I over-age someone. Yesterday I had someone guess my age and I couldn't stop laughing. It's one thing to be off by a couple years but when she marked me ten years younger...I couldn't stop laughing! She was serious and very shocked that I was as "old" as I claimed to be. Funny thing is that this is coming from a young teenager that wants to be older. It opened the door to a great conversation about age looks, and wanting to be something that you are not. You can fool people all you want but you can never fool yourself. I look in the mirror and I see every year on my face. I know exactly who I am and how I got here. Sometimes I do get surprised that more wrinkles haven't shown up but I know they are coming. I am okay with aging. TO me age and wrinkles mean wisdom and beauty. I find it so funny that we measure beauty by youth. I get that we are that kind of society but I am Italian. I live in my mind a place of ageless beauty. Of classic wrinkles that mean life was well lived. Love, Michelle |
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